It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day one again.

How is this time gonna be different? Not sure about that just yet. I am here today though because it is beyond obvious I need to be here or at least somewhere other than in the bottom of a vodka bottle.

No pity party...just have to do something different this time out. I will re-read my first journey here as I was able to escape the stranglehold of alcohol before and therefore I hope I can integrate what successes I had then into my efforts here on out.

I dread the rest of this week, but I know tomorrow will be a better day for sure.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

No pity party...just have to do something different this time out.

How about don't drink again?

I had my years of stopping and starting and promising myself and breaking that promise over and over. First of all are you quitting for yourself or are you quitting for some other reason?

Why do you like drinking? I found when I finally got to the point where you are that I didn't like drinking at all. I believed I liked it but the true reality was and the thought of drinking was fantastic, but when I looked at the results and what it was doing to my life and my health and my relationships I realized, I got alot more pain out of drinking than pleasure. But I was like Pavlov's dog, but instead of a bell making me hungry for no apparent reason, just the thought of drinking raised my dopamine levels. Dopamine not only makes you crave what you are looking for, it also decreases your internal response to other internal information, basically it makes you forget all the reasons you shouldn't want a drink.

It took me about 8 weeks to break that Pavlov dog response, but I knew the second time around that it meant that I really don't want to drink, even moderately, because alcoholism is progressive and I would find myself back to where you are now. I found the easiest way to finally quit, (and I was a vodka and beer guy too), was I had to change my inner belief about alcohol and drinking. The shit is poison for me and will kill me if I let it.

Anyways good luck on your journey, and remember if you want it to stick it can't be "I can't drink alcohol", it has to be "I don't want to drink alcohol because it causes me pain, so I choose to be sober". I know it's semantics, but your brain reacts to semantics. And whatever you do make sure drinking is never an option.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Supercrew;1221087 wrote: No pity party...just have to do something different this time out.

How about don't drink again?

I had my years of stopping and starting and promising myself and breaking that promise over and over. First of all are you quitting for yourself or are you quitting for some other reason?

Why do you like drinking? I found when I finally got to the point where you are that I didn't like drinking at all. I believed I liked it but the true reality was and the thought of drinking was fantastic, but when I looked at the results and what it was doing to my life and my health and my relationships I realized, I got alot more pain out of drinking than pleasure. But I was like Pavlov's dog, but instead of a bell making me hungry for no apparent reason, just the thought of drinking raised my dopamine levels. Dopamine not only makes you crave what you are looking for, it also decreases your internal response to other internal information, basically it makes you forget all the reasons you shouldn't want a drink.

It took me about 8 weeks to break that Pavlov dog response, but I knew the second time around that it meant that I really don't want to drink, even moderately, because alcoholism is progressive and I would find myself back to where you are now. I found the easiest way to finally quit, (and I was a vodka and beer guy too), was I had to change my inner belief about alcohol and drinking. The shit is poison for me and will kill me if I let it.

Anyways good luck on your journey, and remember if you want it to stick it can't be "I can't drink alcohol", it has to be "I don't want to drink alcohol because it causes me pain, so I choose to be sober". I know it's semantics, but your brain reacts to semantics. And whatever you do make sure drinking is never an option.

Thanks for the honesty here. My reasons this time out are varied and vast. Lots of "issues" are behind my drinking. The biggest one is the booze was my weapon of choice to numb out these "issues". Time to face the music as they say and allow these "issues" to exist for what effect they have on my life so I can finally deal with them in an open and honest way.

My second concern is the effects booze is having on my overall health. If I don't stop drinking I know it will kill me. So health and reality will be my motivators to stay sober as well as acknowledging that I am an alcoholic and cannot drink even one drop ever again.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

That sounds like a good start! I liked to think I had alot of issues and that's why I drank, but the real reason why I drank is because I believed it made me feel good. It never solved anything, so other than me thinking I got pleasure out of it, I wasn't drinking because of "issues"....real or imagined, but I did use that as an excuse to drink. You have to realize that you continue to drink because some where deep down you still think you derive pleasure from it. You need to change that belief. I did it by doing whatever I could to make me feel physically ill everytime I thought about having a drink. After a couple of weeks of practice, the thought of drinking made me sick to my stomach, then the positive thoughts of drinking faded entirely.


You can beat this, but it does take action on your part. Good luck!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

@supercrew...I have the support I feel I need here at home and many things that were part of my viscous cycle before are behind me. What will be the bigger challenge is like you said, learning to feel better without needing booze down my throat to do it.

It's all about choices.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

4theboyz;1221459 wrote: @supercrew...I have the support I feel I need here at home and many things that were part of my viscous cycle before are behind me. What will be the bigger challenge is like you said, learning to feel better without needing booze down my throat to do it.

It's all about choices.

It's all about choices, but you have to believe that sobriety is your only choice. Know that your outcome is going to be you being sober and happy about it. Then take action and use all of your power to make that outcome happen.

I never thought I would ever be able to quit drinking and be happy about that decision. Once I changed my perception of alcohol I really can't believe that I ever drank and enjoyed it. A strange phenomenon, but very achievable.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Supercrew;1221475 wrote: It's all about choices, but you have to believe that sobriety is your only choice. Know that your outcome is going to be you being sober and happy about it. Then take action and use all of your power to make that outcome happen.

I never thought I would ever be able to quit drinking and be happy about that decision. Once I changed my perception of alcohol I really can't believe that I ever drank and enjoyed it. A strange phenomenon, but very achievable.

I do appreciate your words and what you are telling me. What I did finally realize is that I no longer "enjoyed" drinking. It became my sledgehammer for beating away issues I really didn't want to confront. I can't do this anymore...running away got me nowhere and time to take on these "issues" and hopefully only one at a time. Day 2 and I am already exhausted.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

As long as you know that alcohol doesn't solve or even hide issues, it just makes them bigger and more painful to handle you will be on the right course.

I agree with the one day at a time or even one minute at a time mantra, but instead of letting it be "exhausting", how about changing that thought and believe it worthwhile and it will be exilharating.

Pretend or imagine that alcohol is your Kryptonite, or every glass of alcohol is a glass of warm urine, or it's bleach. Really close your eyes and think about it and picture an image that you will remember. Everytime you think of alcohol think of that image and really try to remeber the smell of what ever substance you are thinking about. After you get that smell of urine or bleach in your head take a deep breath and relax and smile. I have some other "tricks" to take you mind off wanting alcohol and changing your perception and your immediate thoughts. You should feel invigorated everytime you change the urge, and take a deep breath an smile. If you feel down and depressed or feel like you are missing out you will continue in your cycle until something real slaps you in the face and makes you change your behavior pattern. My change occurred because of a trip to the ER, then I found that I could have created that change without having to go through the real pain I had to endure. Feel free to keep posting in this thread or PM me if you would like to learn more about changing your behavior patterns.

You are doing great on day 2! Be happy about it and embrace it because you are saving and bettering your life.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Ah....the familiar feeling of facing one trigger after another.

Come home after work to an empty house. That was guaranteed "free time" with the bottle of vodka. Thank God there is none in the house...even if there was, I feel resolute enough to resist these sudden surprise trigger attacks. Famous last words!! What surprised me most was how automatic it was to have that knee jerk reaction and go "oh....goody I can sneak a few before the wife gets home!". Just like I know how that first time going grocery shopping or driving by each liquor store I know way too well will tempt me. I wouldn't surprised if Mike at the liquor store reports me as a missing person!

Anyway...this night is flowing in slow motion and I am patiently awaiting the thirstiness and forgetfulness that is right around the corner for me like old familiar friends. The real challenge I will face is the anger and triggers that will be coursing through my veins challenging me to numb that searing pain with booze. I am constantly repeating in my head the mantra of " let them in, own them, feel them, validate them and allow them to pass" that my therapist has so patiently coached into my thick skull to better contend with the feelings and emotions that fueled so many quick and angry responses of my past. Taking ownership of my reactions, feelings and emotions will be my new working orders and in doing so I hope to learn to live a calmer, happier life not just with those around me, but with myself as well.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

I am patiently awaiting the thirstiness and forgetfulness that is right around the corner for me like old familiar friends. The real challenge I will face is the anger and triggers that will be coursing through my veins challenging me to numb that searing pain with booze.

No offense, but why does this have to happen? You get what you focus on, and you are focusing on anger and triggers and pain. Recovery and sobriety can be as hard or as easy as you want it to be. Right now by focusing on things that haven't even occurred yet you are making it hard.

Now I agree with this "Taking ownership of my reactions, feelings and emotions will be my new working orders and in doing so I hope to learn to live a calmer, happier life not just with those around me, but with myself as well." But this doesn't have to be a response to some painful thing that hasn't happened yet.

Good luck, you can do it!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Supercrew;1221625 wrote: I am patiently awaiting the thirstiness and forgetfulness that is right around the corner for me like old familiar friends. The real challenge I will face is the anger and triggers that will be coursing through my veins challenging me to numb that searing pain with booze.

No offense, but why does this have to happen? You get what you focus on, and you are focusing on anger and triggers and pain. Recovery and sobriety can be as hard or as easy as you want it to be. Right now by focusing on things that haven't even occurred yet you are making it hard.

Now I agree with this "Taking ownership of my reactions, feelings and emotions will be my new working orders and in doing so I hope to learn to live a calmer, happier life not just with those around me, but with myself as well." But this doesn't have to be a response to some painful thing that hasn't happened yet.

Good luck, you can do it!

I am not offended but I hope you take no offense either as this is not my first rodeo and these are *my* thoughts and my experience I have a strong desire to journal so I can re-read when things don't see so clear to me.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

I appreciate the reply. I understand this isn't your first go around, I read the whole thread before posting. I was sitting in your seat a little over a year ago after 27 years of problems with drinking and 5 years of daily drinking where I felt like I couldn't get out of the cycle. I was very negative at the time and looked at everything as if it were a problem or a battle instead of opening my eyes and seeing it as the opportunity of a lifetime. Your thread hit home with me, and I was just trying to give you a perspective that I wish someone would have given me. That's all, good luck and I look forward to reading about your continued progress.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

You are so very right about the vicious cycle of blaming not only the problems but in my case I blamed other people for them.

My therapist gave me a very valuable tool a few months ago and that is to validate the feelings, anger, frustrations I had that I blamed other for and reacted to them angrily and of course self medicated with booze to forget. Taking ownership of my feelings as well as the others in my life was that one tool I was searching for that I knew I was missing that gave me more control and power over my reactions and most importantly my choices and the one choice to not drink no matter what I am going through.

Time for bed.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I read a quote in a yoga book I am buying and it said...

"When in pigeon pose....listen to your hips as they have a lot to tell you!"

I found that pretty profound as in yoga that is an obvious axiom, to listen to and honor your body when doing the poses. Yet in life we can so easily ignore the signals our body is giving us as we go through our crazy hectic days. The dull ache in my side, was my liver screaming "I have had enough" as were the other obvious signs of my alcoholic days.

As I embark on this new journey towards sobriety, I have made it my priority to listen to my body and even to engage the wild variety of thoughts in my head I am challenged by every minute of the day that were once numbed by vodka. I will honor and validate each and everyone of them for what they are, once were and the lessons I can learn from their very existence.

It is a constant battle in my brain of the push-pull of the cravings to have a drink and my brain over riding this onslaught of urges with my new found resolve to beat this addiction once and for all.

What I have come to learn this time out that I wasn't just addicted to booze, I was addicted to making the wrong choices in my life. Most often the easy choice to numb out real feeling and emotions...many of them perceived anger, disappointments and frustrations. I was addicted to taking the easy way out and in the end...nothing is easy and for me it is time to make the hard choices, the better choices...the healthy choices...the right choices to finally end this cycle of pain.

[Unwasted]

It's my turn

4 - great post. What you're saying about ignoring the warning signals that our body is screaming at us to pay attention in the form of hangovers, anxiety, bad decisions (the list goes on) caused by alcohol is so true. Amazing, really that we can continue to hurt our bodies/minds knowingly as a result of drinking. There doesn't seem to be a logical explanation - it's like we have 2 brains trying to guide us.

And, then, the part about taking the easy way out by numbing - I can really relate! Eventually, the easy way becomes very difficult as we both know. It doesn't stay the same and the price we pay for escape becomes a bigger negative than not drinking.

Hang in there - I'm hoping that given time the "loss" of the upside of numbing is a faint memory that gets replaced with a new-found peace and enlightenment!

Hugs.:l