It's my turn

[Unwasted]

It's my turn

4 - the sleep difference alone is enough to keep me sober. So glad to hear you've turned a corner.

[FlyAway]

It's my turn

4theboyz;1226755 wrote: Knock on wood but I have never ever before felt more secure in my desire to not drink ever again. The biggest things I have going for me is embracing my ability to sleep at night and the feeling of wellness that I am now enjoying. I still feel like I am hung over as I am not sure what that is all about and can only assume it is my body adapting it's chemistry to make up for the loss of carbs and alcohol it no longer has to process.

I tried melatonin last night for the first time as a sleep aid and was less than thrilled by the results and doubt I will try that again. Seemed to make matters worse not better.

Now 11 days into this I am still struggling with anger issues and snap reactions to stress as opposed to my desired reaction of restraint and composure. It is my hope that things will settle down in my mind to where I gain greater control of my reactions once the tog-of-war over cravings subsides over time. I am looking back on a long road of carnage my drinking has inflicted on my loved ones who I know have a layer of doubt over their perception of me expecting the worst when I am confronted with a seemingly bad moment. I am determined to maintain my course of sobriety to where drinking is no longer an issue or excuse for my actions and words.

I have a Doc appointment today where I can discuss a plan of attack for myself to rebuild my bodies health and vitality. I have already lost 6 pounds in 11 days and only 5 more to go to get back to pre-alki body weight and 10 pounds more is my ultimate goal which I'd like to accomplish in one months time. Should be doable.

It's great to read that you're feeling strong and confident! Melatonin interferes with my sleep if I take too much. I only take 1.5mg a night and sleep better than when I was taking 3mg.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

I had luck with HTP-5 Tryptophan as a sleeping aid and to control my stress level.

Great job!

[nancy]

It's my turn

sleeping

It must be hard to deal with those negative expectations of people who love you. I know there is concern there, but sometimes I think the attitude is also borders on one of discrimination, because there is a perception that alcoholics choose voluntarily to drink and self-harm. And of course that's partly true but there's more to it than that. I think meditation might help if you find those negative external voices hard to deal with or intrusive. You can learn to tolerate them and not react emotionally.

As for sleeping, I can't say I have had many sleeping problems, but when I have had them, I used fast-acting or liquid melatonin and they always worked.

Congrats on your progress. Focusing on the positive health benefits/wellness is a wonderful way to look at this. Good for you!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I am glad the holidays are over and I can relax without having a house full of wine drinkers. I did have one glass of Proseco during a candle light dinner I made special for Christmas. But I still feel I need to keep alcohol especial booze out of the house and thankfully my wife supports this requisite. I am looking forward to being the designated driver on New Years and then I am shooting for meeting my goal of an alcohol free 2012.

I love this forum as the comment here on my thread do help greatly. Thanks to all who take the time to care!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

My therapist warned me that recovering alcoholics often run into binge drinking...something I never ever did before. He was right and the darkness I found myself in surrounding more lies and sneaking booze. Time to make some serious changes in my life. I will be doing a lot of soul searching to find a way to reconnect with the things that make me happy.

Toying with the idea of adding in AA to my recovery strategies. Nervous about going.

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

4theboyz, maybe you'd like to hang out over on the AA thread for a while and see if you can sort out your concerns? The folks there are awfully nice and have lots of AA experience and some good solid AF time.

[pizzaman1960]

It's my turn

4theboyz;274539 wrote: I'm tired, I'm ashamed, I am afraid. (Insert usual reasons for all 3)

I know only I can make the changes in my life to undo the pain and suffering currently in my life. To only consider my own pain is selfish and I know the need to acknowledge all the pain I am causing around me.

I know I am close, very close to real trouble if I don't do something to end this cycle of denial. So to start, I am trying to muster up the courage to look in the mirror to see past the exterior facade that I created and have so successfully evaded real trouble in my life so far. I want to see the ugliness of my drinking and ultimately feel the pain my loved ones feel from me not being there for them the way they so deserve in these precious days of our lives. I abhor the distance from my loved ones this monster inside me has created and the loss of intimacy those many times I was comfortably numb instead. I mourn the loss in respect from others around me from my numbness to their feelings.

I know I am so much smarter and more loving than that person who has been living my life these past 10 years. It is time to stop the excuses and the denial of the trouble drinking has caused in my life. My wife and 2 sons deserve better and I will make it so.

Welcome 4theboyz,
Thanks for sharing that and I wish you all Im sure you can beat this,I joined this site last week and managed 4 days alcohol free,but then binged again over the weekend,missed a days work yesterday and then drank most of the day yesterday. Like you I m sick of the crap drinking brings us and as you highlighted in your quote on our families and loved ones.Reading your quote really sunk in and today is day 1 again alcohol free,hang in there Im sure you can turn things around it will take lots of hard work but wont be easy.Best wishes Joe

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well I finally reached the realization I can't succeed on my own and am going to my first AA meeting tonight. I am not sure what to expect but I won't know unless I do go.

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

That's a great attitude 4theboyz!! It has helped many people and maybe it'll help you too!

[choice]

It's my turn

How did it go 4theboyz? I think it's cool you are open to seeing what AA is about. I'm curious myself.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

The meeting was pretty much as I expected. But since I was new and it was my first meeting they made it a first step meeting in my honor. They read the first step which is essentially to admit you are an alcoholic and powerless to not drink on your own.

For me after 5 years of trying even though I feel anything but powerless....nothing else has worked. What they said will come in future meetings is working the other steps which there are 11 more steps each of which help teach you who to live an alcohol free life.

Everybody told me their stories and what they said is to listen to the similarities. Sure enough one after the other, each person there had a touch stone moment I could relate to. But universally everyone of the 13 people there said they are sober because of the AA program. I heard story after story of in and out of rehab, family interventions, really down and out hitting bottom and each said walking through those doors was the hardest part but doing so save many a life in that room.

I feel having live human beings to relate and be held accountable is what my therapist said will make the difference in the efforts I have made to date. Going back tonight after work.

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Hi 4tbz. I too really struggled with that whole powerless thing. I'm over it now though. I've made a lot of good friends in AA and have really grown a lot as a result of that program. I hope you find it to be a good experience too as far as helping your sober journey. Whenever I encounter an AA person I don't really care for, I remind myself that there are about 1,999,999 other ones to meet, and that realistically, there are people that don't like me either.

Good luck!

DG

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks DG! After my second meeting last night I have a slightly better appreciation for the AA program and see how it can help people that really struggle with staying sober. For 5 years I have cataloged and categorized my issues I have in my life and with how I used AL to cope. What has surprised me is not so much the similarities for others stories but just how many things I have left out of my own perspective of my struggles. As each new person I hear speak brings out another element of my behavior I was not fully aware of yet is significant to me in how deeply entrenched AL was and just how negatively AL was screwing up my life.

So for me it is no longer just a matter of coming to terms with the hiding bottles of booze and getting numbed up every night....I now see all these dynamics of lost time, broken promises, things let undone or unspoken. There really is so much more to come to terms with than I was really aware of. AA is doing things no other effort I have made has done.

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

Good stuff, 4 the boyz! Beating the booze with the opportunity to experience positive personal growth to boot! Yay!