It's my turn

[4theboyz]

I'm back and this time I think I will try a new plan of attack. I will post later what this is when I have more time to do so in detail.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 8....for some reason yet to be fully revealed this time feels very different. Let me rewind 7 days. It had to stop. Once and for all this cycle of alcohol intake and abuse had to stop. Why stop I asked? I have a very successful business...my wife loves me, 2 boys in college who love me...2 houses and a great life so why stop drinking? The obvious reason I will soon be a deadman if I continued that course. All the things anyone could dream of having and soon I would not be around to enjoy them. High Blood Pressure, racing heart beat and other signs my health was on the decline. My hands were shaky during the day to where I could not sign a decent signature or even one evening I could not strum my guitar. Even my Doc was pissed at me and said cut that shit out already. The signs were all around me including finding out a dear friend my age has 2 months to live and another customer only 5 years older than me has stage 2 cancer. Over Thanksgiving I may have snuck one too many and that mixed with some powerful meds I am on people noticed I was not right and the comments came back to me. Those comments hit me like a cold wet towel across the face. Monday night I was in a real low spot and sat there and thought long and hard about why I was doing this to myself.

I can rationalize the known elements of being an alcoholic....part physical addiction to the alcohol and part habit....bad habits. The alcohol helped me get to sleep but it was never good sleep but at least it was sleep or so I thought. Anyway...I made the 'choice' to finally stop the madness and say a prayer for the strength to get my life back....a life I had not fully known for 20 years. The next day was easy....it was just another day like any other day where I had snuck a bottle of vodka and got up and went to work. the hard part was waiting for me after work....that drive home where I had that bottle in my briefcase where I took 3-4 hits on the drive home. And then later throughout the evening where I would mull around in the garage taking more sips, then down to the basement to walk the treadmill where I took hits before during and after. My whole evenings were consumed with sip after sip of the vodka and this was to be the first night in 2 plus years where I was to not have those sips. Because my despair over my excessive drinking was so raw and fresh in my mind I got through the night without much fuss over the absence of the booze.

What was to come was that dreaded ordeal in bed attempting a nights sleep absent the numbing effect of the booze. It was restless as expected and what did surprise me was waking at 4 am soaked in sweat. That told me my body had purged something but I took it as a sign that even more so I needed to do this and see this though. Work has never been an issue for me drinking wise never before, never during only after. Not going to record every little detail as I have done this drill numerous times. But I am observing the ritualistic and habitual nature of my drinking pattern and that was and is going to be my biggest challenge. So is driving past the liquor stores I know all too well and the liquor departments in the grocery stores.
Now for the interesting parts. Yes the cravings are there, but not as severe as I expected or experienced in the past. Which is surprising because I had never drank as much and as hard as I have as of late. Night 3 I slept like a baby and had vivid dreams which I haven’t for a long while. I am waking up in good mood and a happy mood. My hands are much less shaky and I am able to sign papers with out hesitation or shaking. I am beginning to really like living on the other side of the alcohol fog. Fingers crossed this will continue to get better and better. One hour, one day at a time.

[lifechange]

Re: Its my turn

Hey, 4theboyz,
I read back a bit on your thread, and it seems you've been wanting to quit drinking for a long time.. I had also been trying for the past 6 years.. but this time something has clicked. I'm changing the things in my life that I need to change to stay quit..
It's great that you are already beginning to feel some physical and mental relief from not drinking! As you said, one day or hour or one minute at a time..

Do you have a plan of action now? Do you have some in person support?
Why don't you head over to the Newbies Nest to join us? It's such a great place to share and gain support.
Good to have you back! You CAN do this!

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Hey, 4theboyz,
I read back a bit on your thread, and it seems you've been wanting to quit drinking for a long time.. I had also been trying for the past 6 years.. but this time something has clicked. I'm changing the things in my life that I need to change to stay quit..
It's great that you are already beginning to feel some physical and mental relief from not drinking! As you said, one day or hour or one minute at a time..

Do you have a plan of action now? Do you have some in person support?
Why don't you head over to the Newbies Nest to join us? It's such a great place to share and gain support.
Good to have you back! You CAN do this!

Last time I stopped drinking was rough but I got through it primarily with daily AA meetings and the wonderful support from the membership here....worked well for 9 months and made the fatal mistake thinking I could handle social drinking and we all know how that story ends. Thanks to AA and almost a decade here, I have become well acquainted with my higher power. I am also enjoying immensely how good it feels to be sober and I want to and will do all I can to protect this feel good.

Thanks for the well wishes and encouragement!

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 9...Today I feel pretty chill. Now at work I look at myself in amazement as to the remarkable difference in how I approach and execute my tasks. I get a sense the employees are looking at me as to "who is this guy"? My thought process is clearer, fluid and responsive. I bang out my daily tasks in a fraction of the time it took just a short week ago. I ask myself....why did I not do this sooner? Most of us know this answer...I found greater comfort with my bottle of vodka and was more afraid to even think of not having my crutch safely stashed away for immediate access. Life is still and always will be one hour one day at a time and I have accepted this and remind myself of this reality hourly. I am in a very fragile state right now and in a split second one wrong impulse and my briefcase will have a bottle of vodka hiding in it and 2 more in the trunk of my car.

So I am embracing all these new amazing feelings and abilities I suddenly possess. I am celebrating each little victory. I've lost weight, hands are less and less shaky, clarity of thought, wife is so much more open and happy with me, I am playing guitar again, exercise is so much more enjoyable and sleep! Oh my sleep is so much better and the dreams are amazing and is like being reacquainted with long lost friends.

So I feel very strong at this moment and know my biggest mistake would be to think everything is OK and I will be OK going forward. Nope nope nope. Everything may "seem" OK but I have not even begun to scratch the surface in terms of facing my triggers, my demons, the seeds of discontent that disconnected my mind body and spirit from the sober reality that alcohol so thoroughly obliterated. I now have to shift into Detective mode and start looking for the clues as to what caused me to turn to booze for the comfort and pacification I could not provide for myself in a healthier less destructive way. Wish me luck.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Starting an outpatient recovery program, sessions 3 nights a week. A doctor will be involved as well as an outpatient therapist who specializes in PTSD. Needless to say I am a mess...I hope I fair better than Humpty Dumpty.

[abcowboy]

You can do this [MENTION=5134]4theboyz[/MENTION]! This recovery program might be exactly what you need to get you off the wall without breaking!

[Pavati]

Re: Its my turn

Hi, 4...

You got this. I am glad you're starting a more intensive in-person program. If you need additional support, hop on in to the Newbies Nest.

Pav

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Well escaped to our lake house for the weekend alone with just the dog. Beautiful night tonight is a hopeful talisman that my first AF day will be the first of many.

[abcowboy]

I'm interested in hearing about this outpatient recovery program [MENTION=5134]4theboyz[/MENTION], what kind of format is it, is it a group setting, etc.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

[MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION] I have not been to a meeting yet but they are 3 hours long and for now 3 nights a week. It appears we meet and sit in the round. The meeting is led by the program administrator and each meeting will have a focus of some element of the addiction/recovery process. This program is also heavily into CBT or cognitive behavior therapy. This is what drew me to this program.

[abcowboy]

I'd sure like it (and I imagine others would as well) if you could keep us informed as to the goings on...

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Well, went to my first outpatient meeting last night. Met with their program physician who had to approve my medical condition before being allowed to participate. Passed his interview and he wrote me a script for Naloxone which is an opioid inhibitor more famously know as Narcan. For alkies like me it is supposed to work to suppress the opiod response in the brain or in my case the cravings. According to the program administrator that just the thought of having a drink whether a conscious thought or a out of the blue craving generates an as powerful dopamine response in the brain as that consumption of the actual alcohol and why in part it is so damn difficult to abstain. So this drug is supposed to help in crushing the cravings and if I do fall off the wagon the drug is supposedly very effective at minimizing futher desires to drink more. And again supposedly the longer you are on this drug the less likely you are to want to continue to drink.

Last nights meeting was a bit helter skelter in that we had 23 people show up which is 7 more than the desired 16 so we had less time to drill deeper on the subject matter which was simplification of our problem and scaling which is putting a 1-10 value to how we feel at that moment with the ultimate purpose to be to chronicle our bad better and best moments, why we gave it that number and how we can move forward to having all 7-10 days. I was at a 2 last night as I am dealing with all so much at one time but no more excuses just going to do it this time.

[NoSugar]

Re: Its my turn

but no more excuses just going to do it this time.

That's what it takes, [MENTION=5134]4theboyz[/MENTION]. As [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION] 's avatar says, you've had the power all along. And it sounds like you are ready to use yours. All the best! NS

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Days 7-8
My second meeting was a bit more productive in that the group was a chunk smaller in size so there were less interruptions with the presentations. It is a very caring and nurturing group especially the program administrator as he is both funny and engaging which makes the uncomfortable realities of recovery just that much more bearable. The program is built around the concept of the alki or addict take control of eliminating the offending substance from your daily routine and the program will help reorient your thinking, your reactions to cravings and improve your desire to be healthy and feel good. Again they can talk all they want and give all kinds of suggestions but it is all on my shoulders to use these "tools" and concepts and weave them into my life in such a way that AL has less and less opportunities to fuck with me. All and all I consider my first 8 days a huge success....3 beers in 8 days instead of 10 - 750 ml bottles of vodka. No lie the urges are still 24/7 and truly a huge noise in my head that forces me to stay busy just so I get a break from thinking about it for a spell. What surprised me a bit is how many aches and pains I really have as AL did a great job of not letting me feel the real spectrum of my aches. Also, I now realize just how truly powerful some of my meds are as for the last 8 years I swore they were placebos given by my doc just to pacify me. Oh well....hope to go for a walk with Sadie the wonder dawg in a bit. Have a nice night Outers!

All in all I am taking baby steps, taking my time doing things and enjoying chores and activities I otherwise rushed though, pampering myself with long sudzy showers and baths, playing acoustic guitar instead of the balls out loud electric. A big part of my recovery will be checking in here every day I hope or at least when I can and or when I *need* to be here.