It's my turn

[4theboyz]

I'm tired, I'm ashamed, I am afraid. (Insert usual reasons for all 3)

I know only I can make the changes in my life to undo the pain and suffering currently in my life. To only consider my own pain is selfish and I know the need to acknowledge all the pain I am causing around me.

I know I am close, very close to real trouble if I don't do something to end this cycle of denial. So to start, I am trying to muster up the courage to look in the mirror to see past the exterior facade that I created and have so successfully evaded real trouble in my life so far. I want to see the ugliness of my drinking and ultimately feel the pain my loved ones feel from me not being there for them the way they so deserve in these precious days of our lives. I abhor the distance from my loved ones this monster inside me has created and the loss of intimacy those many times I was comfortably numb instead. I mourn the loss in respect from others around me from my numbness to their feelings.

I know I am so much smarter and more loving than that person who has been living my life these past 10 years. It is time to stop the excuses and the denial of the trouble drinking has caused in my life. My wife and 2 sons deserve better and I will make it so.

[tlrgs]

It's my turn

hi there....4theboyz.. welcome aboard ...you wil find this site to be very helpful.keep on reading , and posting any questions .and we are here for you.. good luck

[bald headed old guy]

It's my turn

:welcome: 4theBoyz! you have come to a great site for support! And it appears you have made the decision to begin your journey! I'm relatively new here myself, but I do believe this site has a lot to offer..advice, concern, support, sympathy, and NO LECTURES. Be as open and candid as you can stand! You will find out (I did anyway) that you are NOT alone, you are walking a well-worn path. Please post often, read often, chat if you get the chance! Don't be shy..ask questions, say what you feel! You CAN do this!
Be Strong!
BHOG

[Kirova]

It's my turn

4thboyz, welcome! You sound like you're starting from a position of strength--your resolve is palpable. Good on you for starting this important journey. You've got lots of friends to keep you company!

[Thankful]

It's my turn

:welcome: You sound so strong in your commitment. Stay that way. When in doubt re-read what you posted today.

We are here for you. Good luck on your journey. Stay strong.

Love, Me
:l

[Guest]

It's my turn

Hi 4the boyz and :welcome:

Here`s to you making it better!!!..........you really have came to a wonderful place.

Love and strength to you.

Starlight Impress x

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

Wowee. That was powerful. You have made a big step and people here will help you pick yourself up and move forward. They help me put on my big girl pants and deal with it. Even when I fall flat on my face, they help pick me up. I'm sort of new but trying. What's the Beatle's line? "I can get by with a little help from my friends". Everyone here will be a friend willing to help. Welcome aboard. Put on your big boy pants.:h

[Victory]

It's my turn

Welcome 4theboyz

Hi theboyz :welcome: you are on the right track and have many good reasons to stay on track. Peace can be yours again. Hope to see you around the boards.
kind regards
Victory

[tea]

It's my turn

Hi 4thboyz, just want to welcome you - so welcome. Try to spend a little (?) time reading through the posts, you will find everything you need. There is always someone here to talk to so ask any questions you want, someone somewhere will answer you.

Lx

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Greetings, 4thboys,
You are wanted and respected as a person here. With this support you can be the person you want to be.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks to all for the fantastic and warm welcome. I'm not sure of my next step and will be focusing on educating myself and embracing all there is to offer here.

I do know my first goal is to reveal what it is/was that I was numbing with the booze. My whole life it seems, I have had the constant need to pacify my feelings. I am a Type A person, alway thinking and analyzing everyone and everything that is except myself. I do find myself the happiest when I do intentionally take time for myself, but with 2 kids, wife and career, the vodka seemed to numb the need for my own inner needs with a lot less effort. Unfortunately, I have seen how the booze also numbed my need and ability to be there for the ones I love.

This is for now my own personal challenge and I know my path is going against the current of traditional addiction programs. But for now my stubbornness will prevail and I hope to continue to focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time. For now it is to make sure that vodka bottle never gets refilled.

For now, no one here knows me and I'm not sure yet if that is really going to matter to me. I will continue to write here though as this spot will be my inner dialog I need to maintain as a record of my commitment.

Feel free to comment as encouragement is welcomed as well as constructive and critical feedback. These next days I feel will be hard as my goal is to peel back the layers of my emotions that have become so hardened by the years of drinking. I hope to find the reasons for this negative behavior and I hope I find the courage not to turn away this time out.

Todays goals:
One on One with each son
1/2 hour exercise - yoga
Meditate
Read this forum

[satori]

It's my turn

Welcome from me too 4 :welcome:

Although you sound like you have resolve in bucketloads, I am posting this as a confirmation that it IS possible to beat this thing.

I could have written your post a year ago when I joined MWO.

I had much the same reasons for using alcohol - and much the same reasons for wanting to quit.

Suffice it to say - With the help of these amazing people here - I am currently more than 7 months Alcohol Free.

The first few days are tough - but the further you go, the easier it becomes.
One of the problems about drinking like we all did is that you are unable to see your life with any kind of perspective. The alcohol creates its own reality.
After becoming AF for a while - you gain the perspective needed to see the damage the alcohol was doing - physically and spiritually.

I honestly feel more "alive" now than I have done in over 20 years drinking.
I get "joy" (there is no other word that adequately describes it) now from the simple mundane things in life - like - being "one on one" with my boys, having a walk or a cup of coffee with my wife, a sunny winters day - whatever.
That emotional (spiritual?) stuff probably would hardly have registered while I was drinking.

The journey you are taking those first steps on is hard - but it is probably the most rewarding one I have ever taken.

Meditation is a good idea BTW!
It is not something that is easily done while in drinking mode, and I am happy to be back to doing it consistently

Take care - and if you need anything - just ask!


Satori

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hello 4theboyz,
I found the Allan Carr book, Easy Way to Stop Drinking, very helpful and enlightening regarding "traditional addiction programs". Go read the reviews at Amazon.com and see if it might be for you.

I also found it very helpful to make a written committment to my husband of 27 years. I have tried quitting before, and he was begininning to believe I could not quit. I definitely needed some new support strategies, which I have found on this forum. But writing down all the reasons why I hate drinking really helped. He doesn't nag or monitor my intake, and we rarely discuss this, but just knowing he knows and cares makes a big difference.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Satori,

Your post is exactly the light at the end of the tunnel I was hoping to find here it hit very close to home.

Juliana, I like your suggestion of writing it all down and is my goal to do just that here on this forum. Thanks to both of you for the encouraging words.

Day 3

Last night was more frustrating than difficult. Frustrating because that angry monster surfaced when dealing with the simplest of tasks. I thank God for my children at this time, for their unconditional love they give me provides strength and determination to say no.

Valerian root, herbal tea got me through the evening, but I had trouble sleeping as every sound seemed like gunshots in the night. Dreams are vivid and plentiful like I had when I was a kid, the sense of smell is coming back. I know I need to embrace these changes as blessings to be able to continue forward in my progress.

Goals for today

Less anger
Yoga and meditate
One small house project

[satori]

It's my turn

4,

Vivid dreams are GOOD!

Alcohol suppresses REM phase sleep - the time when we dream, and get the most benefit in terms of rest and bodily / brain repair - the vivid dreams are a sign that your brain is beginning to be free from the suppressing effects of alcohol - your brain is getting back to normal.

The dreams are particularly vivid in the early days - because you are sleeping less deeply right now - due to other effects of alcohol leaving your body, and so you are partially waking up during the dream phase, and remembering them.

In time the vivid dreams subside - as you begin to sleep more deeply and wake more refreshed than you probably have done for years.

Irritability is normal too in early days - it will pass.

Hang on in there


Satori