It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 45

The changes in my life are quite apparent. I feel good, look better, and am much more engaged with my daily tasks and activities. Time to celebrate - right? Not so fast.

Went out to dinner last night as is customary in our circle after funeral services. The waitress asked what I would like to drink and my mind clearly said I'll have what she is having as my mouth thankfully uttered "Iced Tea please". It is easy to chalk up the urge to the stress of the day, but I feel it is more than just that.

Not drinking has become relatively easy these days almost to the point where I don't have to think as much about it. I have with some success confronted the demons of my problem drinking, the sneaking, the excessive drinking, the impulsive and compulsive urges, the obvious screwed up moments of my overindulgence.

I am now confronting the more "normal" component of my drinking. These social and casual moments when a drink was an acceptable and enjoyable event. I am now contemplating a new word in my mental vocabulary that is used so often here to describe what I am feeling...moderating!

There...I said it...moderating! Over the last 45 days I have largely ignored the word as it represented a part of my recovery that was unthinkable to even consider a drink. I was all too focused on addressing the destructive elements of my addiction that I have yet had to evaluate this other social aspect of alcohol in my life.

Perhaps, just like the funeral the other day, I am merely mourning the loss of a "friend" and companion I wish I could have back but deep down know I can't.

I have come to the realization that for now, I must get back to the basics, the day to day remembrance of the pain and trouble alcohol so recently inflicted upon me. I need to refocus on the strategies that work and to more fully embrace the greater good that an AF lifestyle will reward me with and finally accept the loss of my old buddy AL.

[livingfree]

It's my turn

Hold the thought .......

Hey 4tBz - I just popped on line for a moment and your post caught my eye. My first thought is the Mood you've chosen - daring ....

My biggest question would be .......... have you ever tried to quit drinking before this 45 day run? what was your experience? That would be a good place to start with the "mod" question looming in the back of your head.

I know I would have thought the same thing if I had not tried to stop for so long. I quit drinking 10 years ago for 8 months. We went on vacation to Key West - the most awesome of drinking hang outs - and I thought I'd "moderate". I didn't stop drinking one day from that day on. I tried - but just couldn't get it back. That is way I know I will never try to moderate. I can't afford another 10 year run with AL. Can't gamble that one.

So drawing on your past experience has to be the grounds you weigh here. You can find a lot of people here that are just trying to have a 30 day run AF and can't get it. Which is why I ask myself everyday - if once you have crossed the white line with drinking if you can EVER go back and become a moderate drinker. I think people can will themselves to moderate - but I think the brain is playing tricks on them. Eventually the drinking will grow and you will realize that it's not worth the risk.

Just dumping a lot for you to consider - as I don't want to wish I would have said - don't go there - and didn't.

Love ya buddy
Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Liv, I want to say I greatly appreciate your comments here. I have struggled for years with the need to stop drinking even went 5 days AF a year ago. I felt proud of that accomplishment but the experience only highlighted my dependency on AL and my drinking continued to get worse. Going hardcore AF for this many days has allowed to for the first time acknowledge the dysfunctional aspect of my problem drinking and I am not sure of my own ability to distinguish between problem or normal since normal drinking is what got me into trouble. The process of addiction for me I feel is life long and manifests itself in the security blanket of the moment. I am not diagnosed as such but I have the hallmark of an addictive personality. Started with blankets then girlfriend relationships, then pot and when that was not appropriate behavior for a 30 yr old beer to booze filled the role nicely.

I have had 8-9 near death experiences in my life and just should not be here today so I feel my "live each day like there is no tomorrow" mantra is justifiable but truly counterproductive towards my new goal of old age. So today I see the true necessity of an AF lifestyle and from what I can gather here it is hard sell to oneself and one of the more difficult things to achieve and maintain which is why I appreciate the need for so many to remain active and involved with "programs" to facilitate their sobriety.

There are so many incredible positives about not drinking I would have never expected to be so pronounced and it is these elements of my efforts to date that I am evaluating and attempting to permanently integrate into my psyche. I have to find a way to satiate my addictive "needs" and am still learning one day at a time.

Thanks for your time Liv, you are a true sweetheart! (and so is everyone else who blesses this thread :l:l)

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hi Boyz,
Someone here made the statement, "If you were drinking heavily on a daily basis, you will not be able to moderate". Gotta love those cut-to-the-quick statements. I wish you well in making the choices that are best for you.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Sunbeam;303827 wrote: Hi Boyz,
Someone here made the statement, "If you were drinking heavily on a daily basis, you will not be able to moderate". Gotta love those cut-to-the-quick statements. I wish you well in making the choices that are best for you.

Sunbeam I see your point but as of yet, it is difficult and still premature for me to even approach that statement. Some people may be adept at juggling knives, I for now know I must stick with juggling scarves!

[livingfree]

It's my turn

Just bumping this back up "boyz" - to see how you are feeling about all of this ... now with the surgery behind you and all. Any new revelations?? I learn a lot from your thought process - so am wondering what you are up to these days!!

Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Living you are a sweetheart for thinking of me. I have turned the corner in healing from the surgery and did my first yard chore today! Yeah! Made me feel whole again. I really *hated* just sitting around not able to do anything and it afforded me way too much time to get exposed to old habits especially with Vicodin paving the way to some very mellow moments.

Even after 67 days of fighting the good fight, some things it seems will never change. The temptation to reward myself with a drink here or there seems so right at times yet because of that, I can still see that I am not healed emotionally far from it and not sure if I'll ever be. I am stronger, for my experience so far has provided confidence in my ability to live a day AF and not crumble to pieces. I relish the little AF victories as much as ever as they are my friends, my comfort zone at those times when the former is lacking and I feel alone in my struggles.

These past few weeks showed me that in spite of all my AF days my journey has only just begun. Somehow the early days of that constant buzz of desire is easier to tend to than the casual AF life I live. The raw pain of withdrawal was a strong reminder of the stupidity of my destructive drinking. As they say time heals all wounds and as the days go by so do these vivid memories of my despair that kept me so focused and determined.

I see now how important it is to have my attention still focused here with everyone here who can lend me support I need daily. You asked about any new revelations?? Yeah one, I'm not Superman, I did beat AL pretty good the first time out, but after all, I realize I am human.

I will offer this though, I have realized some absolutes, at least for me. To make this thing work, to have these AF days stick, these following things *have* to apply...

* Get rid of and keep the booze out of the house, no if's, and's or "maybes just one's".
* Keep communicating about your AF feelings, don't take them for granted. Just because you feel great physically, you still have to sort through your emotions especially the alcohlol dependent ones that we want to hide at times.
* Have a daily affirmation as early in the day as possible. I start with just an acknowledgment of my desire to have another AF day and it helps to have that to carry through the day.
* Have substitutes - favorite AF drinks are so important.
* Don't let go of the things that work, keep the meds within reach, log on the MWO and most important stay busy as it really helps keeps the urges away.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

February 18th of this year I finally admitted to myself and the world that I had a problem with drinking and began my journey towards a better understanding of this disease that coursed through my veins. For the first time in 78 days, today, I woke up hung over.

No big fall, nothing dramatic about it, just drank a bit of wine and vodka but it was more than I had had in so long and it just got the best of me. What surprises me the most, I just did not expect to ever ever go back to that point in time where alcohol would hurt me again.

I'm not mad it happened. I am disappointed though and humbled by my own weakness in knowing better than to let it happen. It had to happen I guess and you have to fall in order to learn the reality of what you are dealing with, or at least I had to.

Well, back to the start line.

[livingfree]

It's my turn

4 the boyz

First - You do not have to "start" over. You slipped. You learned much from this slip by the words your wrote. This is a Journey - and you had a flat tire. You didn't drive off the cliff.

Second - I have seen other people here slip after being on vicodin. I believe that it takes the exact pathway as AL. So this may be what happened. It sets you up for cravings after you haven't had any for awhile - and you may not even realize you were craving.

Next time you need a pain killer - maybe mention this to the Dr. and their are others that may not 'feel' as good in the pain relief - but won't set up a craving pattern.

So - pick up - dust off and let this be a "bump in the road" and thats it. But get right back on the path!! Don't use this as a Slip - vacation!!

You can ride - just get back on the horse buddy! It's now!! This moment that counts! Not the one that passed - not the one thats coming in a few seconds ... It's NOW!!

Thanks for sharing and your honesty. Humility is the gift that sets us "right". Pride comes before the fall. Your humility will get you right back with your plan! Your way out!!

Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 2 - Part Deux

Well here I go again! Today was unceremoniously my second Day 2. This time out I feel I know much more about myself and this process of becoming AF. My first Day one over 4 months ago I was truly desperate, lost and confused. I had no real idea of why I needed to quit other than a head full of pain from too much drinking, a heart full of sadness and a soul that was totally lost.

I don't feel *that* much smarter about my "issues" but I am more aware and a bit more prepared. Thankfully I am not coming off of 20 + years of boozing as it has only been a month of off and on drinking mostly on though. But the need and desire to be AF has never been greater.

I feel my one big mistake was checking myself out of *here* but at the same time I feel I needed to explore my boundaries I created for myself to see where these habits and triggers hide that got me into so much trouble with myself. So it has been a weird month where I watched myself pour that first drink full of anticipation of the intoxicating delight it would bring to me.

Frankly I was disappointed every time. That romantic buzz never came for it was always superseded by that intense need to calculate where the next drink was going to come from. I could not think of anything else which obviously would not allow me to be in the there and now of that moment I should have otherwise been enjoying.

I finally saw and understood what it meant to be an alcoholic and I was it! Party over!! Oh I tried to just have one, but again I was obsessed with getting the next one even if I didn't actually have it. My old habits quickly came running back. So here I am once again not just attempting to be AF, I am determined to *become* AF for good.

I tried to find just one good reason from start to finish for having a drink but each time it came up short of fulfilling my expectations of what it should be. They always ended with the same unhappy ending. So that actually gave me comfort in knowing more about the realities of alcohol in my life and this is bringing more purpose to this current effort of mine. Most of all I do want to share this with all of you here who have given me so much in the way of support.

Tomorrow is Day 3 for me and until then, have a good AF night all!

[boozehag]

It's my turn

oh dear 4 the boyz
Whilst you have been gone I have read some of your posts and they were very very inspiring I must say. I assumed you had moved on to some AF nirvana. Never mind you are most welcome back anyway and you can inspire us all again. Lots of people lately have commented that when they slipped there just wasnt the same buzz which is good to know for those who havent slipped yet (not that I am boasting or anything!) as it could so easily happen. I mean we all know in our rational mind that it is SO not worth it but sometimes that sneaky little devil AL convinces us otherwise.
BH

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

So sorry BoozeH,

I was not off dancing in a field of yellow daisies blissfully AF!! The real life I lived checked back in and I thought I'd try living it like I dreamed I could. I guess I did need to try and see if I could Moderate but I'm either not ready or I never will be able. My educated guess would be I never will be able. I have had the not so fun experience of watching my father in his retirement try drinking again after 35 years of being sober and suffice to say it was not pretty.

It is so easy to say these positive things about being AF at day 3 and pat myself on the back for doing a good job. But I have learned just not drinking is not enough. I know now I need to work a bit harder and this time I am going to invest more time in confronting the triggers and demons of my past and current life. This I know is necessary so I can better enjoy these AF days without feeling sorry for myself and my handicap of not being able to drink.

I am really looking forward to getting back to being on top of my game. I will keep y'all updated!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I find this all very strange yet revealing. I can function all day long at work like a Swiss watch, but the minute I walk through the front door of my house I am a nervous wreck. I did get busy as usual, but for some reason no matter how busy I keep myself, the thoughts of drinking just would not leave me alone tonight. I'm going to have to put some thought into this and try and figure why I have this Day and Night, Calm and angry, Yin and Yang struggle going on. Hmmmm...

[Yosemite Sam]

It's my turn

4theboyz;326905 wrote: I find this all very strange yet revealing. I can function all day long at work like a Swiss watch, but the minute I walk through the front door of my house I am a nervous wreck. I did get busy as usual, but for some reason no matter how busy I keep myself, the thoughts of drinking just would not leave me alone tonight. I'm going to have to put some thought into this and try and figure why I have this Day and Night, Calm and angry, Yin and Yang struggle going on. Hmmmm...

Your past waits to ambush you with the whispers. This happens to us all.
Ask your self " will this lead me in the right direction? "
If you know in your heart the answer is no, then let the thought fall to
the floor.

The key to this is "no matter how busy I keep myself"
Spend some quiet time with yourself every day for a better balance.

I like quote from psalms: "Be Still and know that I am God"

I hope this is helpful, Sam

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Outstanding Sam!

Thanks for the reminder. Hell last night I was consciously making myself busy in order to stay away from AL that only caused me to fixate upon it! Now I do remember that taking a bit of time every night to play my guitar or the piano really allowed me to make a more peaceful transition into the evening hours. Something about that personal time that can cultivate a less stressful and more "open to the moment" perspective where the need for AL is so much less. Thanks for the words!