It's my turn

[Beck]

It's my turn

4tB,

As the Mom at home during the crazy hours I found that worked for me was changing how I viewed those times. I used to think that I needed to control that chaos (4 kids, husb) now I just roll with it and understand that I can't do everything perfectly. I also think of it as the time my family comes back together not as my "drinking/witching" hours.

Beck

[Evie.Lou]

It's my turn

Read the MWO book and get the Meds!!!! I know this place helped save my life and you will get honest fed back (thats what I found) You can do it,I know you can!!! Blessings, EVIE

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I don?t want to be alcohol *Free*! I just want to be normal like everybody else or so I think.

I don?t want to be a drunk or alcoholic either, I just want to feel normal like everybody else. The problem is I do not know what feeling normal is like. At my age, I guess I have tweaked my state of consciousness with something for the better part of the last 30 years or more of my life so there is no possible way I can know or anticipate what *Normal* is. I see people around me who I assume are normal. I read the books and such where normal people are described. It all sounds good, I?d like to get there and become normal, I just don?t know how or what to expect or know it I am normal once I get there. It is like this journey I am on yet I don?t have a map nor compass to get there.

What is normal, is there such a thing as normal. Why do I feel I have to be normal?? Frankly, I just don?t like being sober but I also hate being a drunk at times. What the hell am I supposed to do. I pulled my hair out for 45 AF days, and don?t get me wrong I fully appreciated all the positives of being AF, but I just don?t like it. It some how doesn?t seem right. I know there must be something I am missing in all of this, otherwise I wouldn?t be feeling this way. Sure I am edgy because it?s only day 5 and a tall glass of Vodka would sweep away all of this concern. I just feel like I am once again at a cross roads of sorts and I don?t know which way to go, which way to turn.

Does anybody know the way to normal??? Are we there yet??

[boozehag]

It's my turn

I dont know if we will ever get to be normal or should even want to because if we can kick the evil AL from our lives then we would feel so happy that we still wouldnt be normal we would be abnormally happy. Well I would anyway. I dont think normal people could appreciate the freak out joy of a "normal" day that doesnt involve uncontrollable drinking and/or smoking. So we probably never will be "normal" anyway. I dont want to be normal I just want to be in control of my own body. I am definitely getting there. I hope you are to 4 theboyz as your earlier posts really inspired me. Hang in there.
BH

[Beck]

It's my turn

Hi 4tB,

Sorry you are having such a tough time...

I'm afraid that you missed the exit to "Normal" many years ago. Alcoholism is progressive. You may wish to go back and change your past - but that is not going to happen.

I think it is time for you to redefine what normal is to you. Normal people really don't long for a tall glass of vodka - which I am assuming is what like 3 shots...

Day 5 certainly is tough. You can hang tough or give in...really up to you.

I wish you success and health,
Beck

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks Beck,

I do believe that has been part of my problem as of late. I just go, go, go, do, do, do and have not taken the time to take stock of who what and where I am at.

I know I am OK and deep down I know I can be better than just OK. I know I am addicted to booze and I hope to get over that but I am also aware that booze is not the only problem I need to confront. Booze is just the medicine I use to ease the "pain" of other issue(s) that are overdue acknowledgment and attention.

I also feel I need to avoid getting too comfortable in my progress until I am in possession of some real answers to the questions I know only I can answer. I want to thank you Beck for speaking up here as I need others to help me see what I cannot yet see on my own!

Btw, it was more like 6-8 ounces in a coffee cup!

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hi Boyz,
It makes me sad and keeps me humble to see you struggling again. You were so strong, and helped so many others here. You have always talked about the alcohol covering up layers of something else. Is it time to hook up with a live counselor? Just a thought.

I wish you the best of everything in life. You deserve it, and so do those boyz.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Sunbeam,

I'll take this struggle this time out over the last time. I am getting by without popping pills and pacing the floor 24/7. 4 months ago I didn't have all these emotions and feelings to worry about as I was blissful in my alcoholic fog. Yet I find these struggles I am now facing a welcomed challenge. AL has helped to bury a lot of issues deep away that I must now address if I am too stay sober. I am cleaning house this time around. Stress, anger and neglect are strong forces in my life that were so easily suppressed by alcohol and without AL I am now coping with these forces of my daily life and it is challenging to say the least.

Coming to terms with the short cuts I have taken with these emotions is hard especially when I take into consideration how they have involved my wife and 2 boys. I know I can't make up for those years but I do realize I can now make a difference. Also dealing with these emotions will free me from the need to numb them away and instead rise above their onslaught.

It sounds strange to say I have been a good father and husband when I was buzzed for the better part of it, but I was and I am and yet no one really knew but myself. My wife admitted to me she had no idea the extent of my drinking but I did.

So these new clean days bring heightened emotions unfamiliar to me. One day at a time takes on a whole new meaning when confronting so much more than just AL.

It is all good as I am embracing these awesome AF moments I can now share with my family. I will continue to post the good bad and ugly of my journey as MWO is truly my lifeline to a happy AF future.

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hi Boyz,
I am glad that you sound stronger in your most recent post. I woke up thinking about you. When we give up AL, I think we go through those grief stages, : denial, anger, then finally moving toward acceptance. Mostly the positives of giving up AL are discussed here, not the down side. "Out" had a very interesting post a few weeks ago about all of the positives she gained from AL, and we really do need to give those up. It is all so complicated. But I think this is the "normal" for those of us who have abused alcohol. Thank you for continuing to post. I think many do share this experience, but don't post much about it because it is discouraging, and less helpful for those who are trying to quit.

Yours, Juliana

[Determinator]

It's my turn

4thboyz, thank you for sharing. I really like both your emotional honesty and your sense of honor for family and self. you have a winning attitude. Be well my friend.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Yesterday, Saturday was one for the AF record books.

First off it was Saturday, my usual was to start the day with AL but that was not to be. Little victory #1

Secondly it was my eldest's birthday party and sadly, past birthday parties I would be well lubricated. What I haven't figured out is why. It was the same for most any family gathering. I hope it is just the disease doing it's thing and nothing related to the moment since most every hour of the weekends I would be fixated on procuring my next drink special occasion or not.

It felt great to go through the day engaged with my boy and his friends not being nervous on whether someone would smell the booze on my breath. Little victory #2.

Returned home to knock out a few outside chores which *always* included a glass of "liquid motivator". No problem working without AL, and little victory #3.

Wife wanted to relax on the front swing with a cold beer. So we did and I did not. Large little victory #4.

Fashioned up a quick dinner with out AL to help, another little victory #5.

Settled in for a movie on TV while our house vibrated with the sounds of 5 pre-teens tussling about during a sleepover. A Saturday night AF was huge for me and little victory #6.

Woke up today tired but satisfied in how the weekend is going and AF. Day 7 and Little victory #7!

I now realize how it is all a matter of choices. The choice to say no and not give in. I am also beginning to realize it has to be for more than just a goal of not drinking. I am trying to see beneath the surface of these triggers or alcoholic moments. I may not ever fully understand it. I don't know that much about alcoholism other than it is a disease. Perhaps it is all involuntary once AL takes hold of your life, it sure seems that way. This would explain why it can be so hard to not slip and fall just like ice in the winter. You don't know you slipped on the ice until you hit the ground hard and are trying to pick yourself back up. You never saw it coming. But I can also see how you can avoid the slip if you do make an effort to expect it, to look for it and avoid it altogether.

My efforts are starting to take on purpose with a bit of self pride sprinkled in. I am not proud I have this problem but I am in that I am doing something about it and that my friends is something I am proud of.

[retteacher]

It's my turn

4theboyz: I read your whole story & reflections. I could identify w/much of it. I joined MWO in April '07 & began my first long AF run in July '07. I went for well over 70 days. I then briefly relapsed & began another very long run in the fall of '07 into early '08. The relapses have been very painful but also a learning experience. I learned that I go right back to the old patterns very quickly.
-drinking the whole bottle.
-hiding the drinking.
-replacing alcohol.
-getting rid of bottles.

As of today, I have almost 3 full days of sobriety. I've been thinking about drinking a lot. I know the really bad urges will abate fairly soon. However, I also must absolutely "get" that after several AF days (triple digits for me), I start to think I "can" drink again. For me this is not an option. I must learn (this time) that I must deal w/:
-stress
-social situations
-boredom
-fatigue
-etc.
sober, sober, sober. I will not learn anything about myself (i.e. where I came from & where I'm going) if I drink to cope.

Please keep this journal going. I didn't know it was here & found it very enlightening.

Sincerely, Mary

PS: I am an older woman (63), & my drinking has progressed over the years. For me, alcoholism is a progressive disease. If I start drinking again, odds are that I won't suddenly slow down & moderate. I really feel that the die is cast for me. I CAN'T DRINK NORMALLY ANYMORE. I hope that doesn't discourage you in any way. I'm speaking purely for myself.

[tylyr]

It's my turn

reteacher - I've been reading your posts for a long time. I too am a retired teacher, and have found the drinking creeping up. I too, get back to old habits very quickly - buying more, hiding, getting rid of etc etc. It's horrible. I've done 10 weeks in the past, and also 4 weeks, 7 weeks, then I give in, think it's ok and within a week it's back. The same old story. This time it was a holiday, but then failed to stop after the holiday. Yesterday was particularly bad, but I feel fine today! Does it ever go away? I'm also worried about my health. I have no problems now, but how long can you go on abusing your body in this way, and getting away with it. Would love to have your comments, and also your support. Apologies for addressing you personally - I know that loads of us have the same story . Tylyr

[retteacher]

It's my turn

Tylyr: Thank you so much for addressing me personally. I think that connection is what will save us. I can only hope that my steps go as follows:
1. I tough it out for a while.
2. As the days build up, the urges decrease.
3. I begin to see myself as a complete non-drinker.
4. I absolutely wouldn't drink even if you paid me to.
5. No more temptation or urges at all...not even a blip on the radar screen.

I too worry about my health. When I retired in '05, I had a complete physical for the first time (w/blood tests). I came out w/a clean bill of health. However, I cannot keep doing this to myself & expect to come out unscathed.

Tylr, thank you so much for responding, & 4theboyz, thank you so much for your journal.

Mary

[cpn1004]

It's my turn

4theboyz,
I am not one to give advice, hell, I can't put more than 3 AF days together. But I have been here a while and read a lot. If you have not done so, I suggest you find some of the posts by xtexan. He has about a 1000 days AF and has discovered some emotions that most of will face if and when we make that AF journey.
Love and Peace,
Phil