It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks for the reminder Phil, Neil has written some incredible and dynamic posts and over 800 days AF is exemplary and seems but a dream to achieve. I will get there though!

Mary, I share those "old patterns" and boy are they embarrassing to admit to. What is so shameful for me is even though I knew they were abominable to do at the time, I still did them and only now do the full extent of their absurdity take root. I don't ever want to go back there again!

[srand]

It's my turn

reteacher

I am new here and from what I have read, it seems that we have a lot in common. Could you please respond to this message or e-mail me. srand

[retteacher]

It's my turn

4tb: The only way I won't go back there is to not drink. To drink is to automatically go back. It doesn't take me long either. M

[Frogzter]

It's my turn

Greetings!

Keep coming back and you will be amazed at how much better you will feel with all the love and support you will find here! :welcome:

[livingfree]

It's my turn

4thebz

Just checking in on you here! I am not on the boards as much as I was able to be this winter - but log on to catch up with everyone when I am able to -

I am glad to see you are fighting the fight and staying on this journal - it is a great help to so many. Keep coming back here and reading what you have journaled - it will help you to continue see where you are going.

I am 11 days away from my 6 month mark -- and I can tell you bz that it is worth the walk uphill through every storm imaginable. I keep learning more and more about myself - the games I play with myself and how to overcome all of that without AL -- It's not easy ever - but is it ever easier than living the old way.

Love to you all
Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 10 - Long post today!

Hello Liv,

Thanks for checking in as it really means a lot to me to hear from those who have walked the walk. I do remember how your posts gave me strength the first time around and I took your suggestion and went back to my first days early on this year...

Thanks so much LF,

This is starting to make some sense to me and yours and all the other encouragement here is icing on the cake.

and as you see you were right there for me!

Yes this is starting to make sense but in a different way this time and in a way I was hoping. Last night I went to my sons little league baseball game. Last year at this time I would have had 3 drinks in me and a water bottle filled with more. Not drunk just comfortably numb. But last night I watched the game sober enjoying the spring time breeze, the fresh air, and the sights and sounds of life all around me.

Sounds sappy, but the truth of my moment for me is just that - life. The real deal - life. Life free from sadness, anger and pain. I felt calm and relaxed and surprisingly not anxious. It really felt good and I am beginning to feel like I can do this and live AF. I am also aware that these moments are fleeting and seemingly rare, but these feelings are new and much deeper than the ones I have enjoyed so far. This is why I choose to write them down so I can go back and remind my self of them and embrace them when the going may not be so good.

I also need to go back and read about the not so good moments so I can remind myself of them when these good days become routine and the temptation of AL continues to gnaw away at me as I know it will.

I have been studying the concept of willpower. I stumbled upon it the other day and I am fascinated by the conscious versus subconscious mechanics of that self-discipline since will-power is the first self discipline to abandon us when we give in to AL I want to better understand it and have better access to it's power in my everyday life. Here are some snippets from what I am reading...

What Is Willpower?

Willpower is your ability to set a course of action and say, “Engage!”

Willpower provides an intensely powerful yet temporary boost. Think of it as a one-shot thruster. It burns out quickly, but if directed intelligently, it can provide the burst you need to overcome inertia and create momentum.

Willpower is the spearhead of self-discipline. Willpower is a concentration of force. You gather up all your energy and make a massive thrust forward. You attack your problems strategically at their weakest points until they crack,

Don’t try to tackle your problems and challenges in such a way that a high level of willpower is required every day. Willpower is unsustainable. If you attempt to use it for too long, you’ll burn out. It requires a level of energy that you can maintain only for a short period of time… in most cases the fuel is spent within a matter of days.

The proper use of willpower is to reduce the ongoing need for such a high level of sustained force.

Suppose your objective is to abstain from alcohol. You attempt to go AF. It takes willpower, and you do OK with it the first week. But within a few weeks you’ve fallen back into old habits and having a few drinks. You try again with different strategies, but the result is still the same as you give in to temptation. You can’t sustain momentum for long enough to reach your goal.

That’s to be expected though because willpower is temporary. It’s for sprints, not marathons. Willpower requires conscious focus, and conscious focus is very draining — it cannot be maintained for long. Something will eventually distract you.

So you sit down and make a plan. This doesn’t require much energy, and you can spread the work out over many days.

You identify all the various targets you’ll need to strike if you want to have a chance of success.

Don’t use willpower to attack your biggest problem directly. Use willpower to attack the environmental and social obstacles that perpetuate the problem.
Self-Discipline: Willpower

I edited that blurb to apply to my struggle. This will power strategy seems to dove tail nicely with my "little victories" that I embrace as I go on my journey. By incorporating will-power I can attack the triggers one by one and allow myself to relax more throughout the day to where it is not a constant 24 hour struggle. If you can't tell yet I am optimistic! Got to get back to work for now...

[retteacher]

It's my turn

Bz: Many thanks for the link & thoughtful post. I've put the link into my favorites for later reading. I will try to set up my life such that I don't have to be in a state of constant tension (of using my willpower). The slips & relapses set me back though not as far as I was when I first came here in Apr.'07. After 5 full days AF, I'm not struggling to the degree I was, but I don't want to go back to the starting line again & again. I do have a plan:
-Make a daily decision that I will not drink.
-Plan my life accordingly (I know what I have to do to stay sober).

I'll check back w/your journal after I've read the material about willpower.

Mary

[livingfree]

It's my turn

Awesome thoughts Bz -- your right on ... I'm with you Mary - this one is a keeper

Have a wonderful day

Liv

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

WOW 4tBz. I'm spending time each day reading people's stories, and yours came to light today. Thank you so much for sharing your journey in such an open and honest and raw way. So many of your thoughts and emotions and experiences on this path are the same as mine, and I'm sure the same as many, many people here. You just have a great way of putting very complex topics and situations into writing. THANK YOU!!

As I read through your journal, I kept jotting down the post #'s of posts that really leaped off the screen for me.

#51 where you talk about your friend's brother's wife who had a drinking problem and no one knew. I think that is a tragic problem in our society. Somehow there is something horribly wrong with us if we can't just have a few social drinks and stop. Like we are broken or something. Say you quit smoking, and you get a standing ovation, a hall and a dance band. Say you quit drinking, and you get people taking a step back from you, like your problem might be contagious or something. I really am determined to go public and at least try to educate and influence on this subject once I can get a year AF under my belt.

I loved your post about Easter, and how your holidays go. I can relate to every word of it - from the early vod+oj (tomato juice for me) to the "where is the next one coming from" and "I hope everyone can't tell I'm totally shit faced." I've still got to find new ways to deal with holidays. Funny...fear of that might have something to do with at least one or maybe 2 of my falls during the last 10 months. Hmmm....

Oh and those "maybe I CAN moderate.." thoughts. Well, Booze Beast Tricks. At least we are wiser now.

Others I jotted down for a re-read are #65, #68, #83, and #93 - the Will Power thread. Boy, that hit home for me too.

Thanks! And thanks to Liv and others who contributed so much good stuff along the way!

DG
*******

[retteacher]

It's my turn

The "maybe I can moderate" idea: Yes, that's thrown be back into the hole many a time.
The "I'm not as bad as a lot of people" notion: That's one of my worst triggers.

I'm enjoying this journal. Keep it coming.

Mary

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 5 again

I have been mulling over quite a bit since I last posted, mostly thinking long and hard about this last "bounce" I just had which was more like a lead brick thud!

Many here know my story, if not it's all right here. I started here in Feb newly aware I had a real problem. I never wanted to nor did I think I could admit that I have a very real problem with drinking. I still don't know all I want to know about why I have this problem, but for now I have made it pretty obvious to myself and my wife that I just shouldn't drink. Early success with abstaining gave me hope and confidence that I could change the course of this disease.

Last weekend I ended a 12 day AF run by having "just one" with my wife. Later, I finished off the bottle of Vodka we had in the cabinet that was there which seemed like forever and secretly replace it with a new one. Long story short the rest of the weekend involved me sneaking the next drink as often as I could.

Monday I woke up wrecked beyond anything I previously experienced partly because my body is no longer used to processing copious amounts of alcohol. So much to my own disappointment, this experience served as a wake up call and naturally a motivator to do more this time around. By doing more, I mean learning more about alcoholism and hopefully the why of it all.

I pretty well have covered the what's of drinking, what it does to me and my life all those negative impacts of drinking. But the why part seems to have eluded me. The romantic part of the why I drink is fairly obvious, it's allure of reward for hard work, relaxing and having fun. Only now I see it's no longer any fun to drink and in reality it hasn't been for a while. Drinking has only been a numbing buzz that inevitably turns into zombie time afterwards.

What I saw this last time out was that even if I did only have one drink, I still felt like shit the next day. I was a bit surprised at how much effect that one drink had on my body. So I am trying to lock on to these discoveries and make them a part of my AF arsenal to better prepare and enable me to continue my days AF.

I haven't been at this long enough to see if everybody goes through these same experiences and struggles, but if I had to bet on it, I have a feeling most do. Sad part of it is I think we somehow have to experience these things for ourselves before it becomes all too obvious the realities of what AL does to our lives.

I do know the physical cravings are a big part of wanting to drink but I also know there are deeper emotional and psychological reasons at play that I need to address. I am lucky in many ways that I have what I have and this is a big part of the why I'm here so I can preserve and nurture these very important parts of my life. I have learned so much in these past few months and a big part is due to you all here. Just wanted to say thanks for listening and being here for me today! :l

(NTS: Change)

[cpn1004]

It's my turn

4tb,
Thanks for keeping this story going. I am typing this while the right side of my head is gently throbbing from the 9 beers I had last night. I start each day with the plan for an AF day and then about 4pm the beer-man starts his sales pitch. I think "what the hell, let's have a six pack" which I seem to handle fine for a couple of days and then the total count creeps back up. It is amazing how quickly our bodies can adjust to consumption.

Last month I could drink 9 beers with no hangover because..gee...guess what, I was drinking 9 to 11 beers EVERY day. I ended the month with a road trip to KS to visit my older brother who recently lost his wife to cancer. The "purpose" of my trip was to see how he was doing. However the real reason for the trip was "no rules death match drinking". You see my brother drinks beer ALL day starting about 630am so compared to him my 10 to 12 beers consumption is nothing. Somehow and fortunately in my drunken state I realized that I could not do this, so I left after one day of power drinking. I'm thinking now that my trip had a real purpose of awakening me to the fact that I don't want that life and need to let it go. So far June is better than May but not where it needs to be. However I am encouraged by your story so keep it up.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Right on Phil and keep feeling the AF love of MWO!!

[Cinders]

It's my turn

4theBoyz,

I am also glad you kept this thread going.

I just now saw the link to Self-Discipline and have been reading it. Wonderful website.

Thanks!! I needed this very much today.

Love,
Cindi

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Ditto the thanks for keeping your story alive!

I can totally relate to how amazingly craptacular that first hangover felt after a 60 day stretch of AF. Actually, that first day off the wagon I think I only had like 3 drinks - that's like kiddy koolaid compared to what I can normally put away. I felt HORRID on Sunday morning. Worse feeling hangover in a long LONG long time. On so few.

But even that didn't stop me from charging head long back into my old ways. And of course the hangovers started not feeling as bad anymore. And of course as a daily drinker, I get so used to feeling like shit I don't know I feel like shit. So I *think* I'm functioning OK when really my flag is perpetually at half mast, or lower.

Anyway, AF rocks and I know we will all eventually get it right if we keep workin' it.

Thanks as always for all that you share here in your journal and elsewhere at MWO. I get so much out of your posts!

DG
****************