It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Hey there DG, I should be thanking you as well since you are prolific in your posts and generous in your support of the rest of us here.

I can't help but LMAO at some of the comments today as it is both funny and insane to reflect on those moments when we thought what we were doing as cool or actually "fun"!!

Phils "no rules death match drinking" and your "craptacular" hangovers sure captures these prime moments of our drinking heroics that led us directly to our own private little hells. But hey if we can't laugh about this what fun would this be??

Hang loose everybody!!

[retteacher]

It's my turn

Boyz:

I've just caught up w/your story here & read about the lapse you had. I've had mine too (as recently as a few weeks ago). Aside from the awful physical repercussions, the emotional ones are worse for me. All that sneaking & replacing etc. is the worst, worst, worst aspect of drinking.

My relapses have taught me that I just cannot have anything at all alcoholic to drink...period, end of story. I'm into a new AF stretch, & for the most part, the initial cravings have subsided. The wonderful pink cloud of sobriety is also subsiding as well. I'm realizing that dealing w/feelings, conflicts, & rampant thoughts are my biggest bugaboos...the "why" of my drinking. I want to forget it all for a short period of time. However, alas, I'm going to have to find a sober way of doing that.

I love my husband, but my newly sobered up self finds him the most annoying person on earth. I love my daughter, but my newly sobered up self finds her the most demanding person on earth. You get the picture. I have to do the work of speaking up or taking some downtime or whatever I need to do in order to stay sober. It isn't easy. I don't always know what to do or how to do it. I'm learning, because I do not want to run away anymore.

Good luck. I'll check back again. Mary

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Vacation was really a good time. I made 3 days of it completely AF and then finally rewarded myself with just beer and never more than 2 a day and often just a ? a glass at a time. Strangely they really didn't do much for me after that first sip and I really don't feel the need for a big buzz as the well-known consequences have carved a really deep-seated aversion affect – thankfully in a strange way I suppose! In retrospect, my frosty mug of AF beer was just as satisfying even more so in the knowledge that it was better for me and the right thing to do as it is.

When we got back from our Vacation on Sat., our neighbor had a home brew party (which I use to be an expert home brewer myself), and I did sample the wares but I only drank single tiny 2 ounce glasses of 4 different beers total. Only one was any good and only added to my disappointment in my sacrifice of my AF moment for the anticipated pleasure of home brew but I also forgot just how hard it is to brew really good beer and blamed myself for the lax in judgment. And because of my home brewing background I expect I will always give in to sample the wares!

Here is an interesting moment from the party. I saw a guy there I have known through my son’s grade school and noticed him clutching a bottle of water, picking, crinkling and fidgeting away at it. I then heard him blurt out how he is not drinking anymore due to his anger issues when he drinks and how he does not want those moments to be a lasting impression on his 12 year old daughter. Those words really stunned me as I almost was mouthing those exact words right along with him as he said them. It also really rang my bell as to what I really need to continue to do myself and gave me additional strength to carry on.

For me personally, I really feel going AF is something that takes time, practice, a lot of hard work and determination. My ability not to drink is getting better every day now and I feel more and more committed to it as long as I keep the purpose alive and in front of me. I have grown more comfortable in my AF shoes and no longer self-conscious over the AF role in my life.

I have come to embrace the necessity of it as well as it’s ability to provide peace and happiness in my life. I do know though that I have to keep my guard up at all times and that moment at the party is one of those times that helped remind me of my own need to be AF as well as seeing I am not alone in this struggle.

[livingfree]

It's my turn

Hey Boyz - I too am glad you keep updating your journey. It is always insightful and interesting. It's interesting that you were unimpressed with the hom brew - that is why I haven't felt tempted to drink. I know if I do I am going to be sorely disappointed in the taste, the lack of fun it really promises, and most of all - the sick feeling of having caved to a beverage that doesn't have a brain when I do!! :H How is it that AL talks to us? He is the addictive voice in our heads that says ... "we" want some. "you" need some. "I" will have some. We need to put him in the corner or better yet ... in Jail!!

Keep on boyz - your journey is becoming more and more defined by the thoughts that are making you a NON drinker!!

Best to you!

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Hi 4tbz. Interesting insights as always. I totally agree that "practice" is a huge part of this journey. Lord knows we spent many MANY years "practicing" our drinking habits. It only makes logical sense that it will take practice to ingrain new AF habits into our pea brains. (well, speaking of my own brain only in that sense LOL!)

Keep sharing!! I hope someday you transform your journal here into a blog or book or something. You do have an amazing way of putting your journey into powerful words!

DG
:award: + *

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

OK, there are *No* redeeming qualities to drinking *what-so-ever*...*Period*!!! Let's review...

"Just one" is never enough and if you do manage "just one" it provides little if any purpose other than added calories with a buzz factor of .5, no fun there. "Just one" will however derail the best laid plans as that .5 buzz factor is just enough to take the wind out of your sails and make the TV remote stick firmly to your hand.

Now, if you re-call that day not so long ago where that "just one" drink you were so sure would be "just one" turned into a renewed love affair with the bottle of vodka set aside just for guests...wait a minute...of course you don't remember that moment....but you *do* remember the next morning where you still had to get up for work wondering "what the hell happened"! We put a stop to that nonsense and now require the guest to bring their own and take it home with them when they leave.

So let's not try and pretend that there is anything "good" about drinking and eating grapes will give you the same purported "health" benefits as red wine and be a hell of a lot better for you and "cheaper" too!

Sure drinking can be fun and once was for you. but those days are long gone and drinking hasn't been fun for a long time. You are a funny charming guy at a party with a drink in your hand and it would be great to somehow keep those moments alive but you know how those parties *always* turn out...there is nothing fun about scrounging around for another drink after everyone has left and just one more before bed!

So remember these things and especially how good you feel now. Just don't ever *ever* let these nostalgic thoughts of AL cloud your thinking and the truth to your reason for being here and staying AF!

[retteacher]

It's my turn

4Theboys:

If MWO has taught me anything, it's that I cannot have just one. That is just too much of a lie even for me to swallow now. As for the "fun factor?" I'm starting to get (at a gut level) that there is no way that my type of drinking will ever lead to fun. Regret, hangover, shame, yes. Fun, no.

I also like what you said about the committment we have to feel to the AF life. It isn't easy. It involves:
-living w/ourselves...feelings, thoughts, mistakes, regrets, anxieties, etc.
-clearing up all the issues that have fallen by the wayside.
-going through life unimpaired, wo/any kind of mood-altering substance.

Mary

[skeeter]

It's my turn

why is it all i can think about?

Dear Boyz,

So I guess this is a sign of a problem.....It's 5:15 and all I can think about is whether it's a big deal or not for me to have a glass of wine. Thing is, I've been reading posts pretty much all day and seeing my life over and over.

I'm a great mom, wife, friend. I function fine but seem to feel the need/want to numb out at the end of the day.....everyday. It can't be a healthy habit and I'm wanting to know that I can stop. But I haven't stopped.

I read through your journey and appreciate your honesty. I am an otherwise very open and honest person and self-depricating. I show my messy house to a friend that is feeling bad about hers, I tell on myself all the time.....but not with the AL.

I'm hoping to get through the night without any red wine. I'm not sure if I am ready to tell my husband how I'm feeling. He is wonderful and will be supportive. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be held accountable or risk the "stygma".

Thanx for your journal. I'm hoping this place will be a place for me to heal.
:new:

[dolphins]

It's my turn

grieving

Hi -

My heart is broken - On June, 9 2008 I lost my 53 y/o brother to alcoholisim. He was a good man, a kind person & a wonderful brother. My family did'nt know how sick he was until the last year of his life .

In recent years, on top of following a regular running regimine - so did a nightly cocktail - somewhere along the way (un benonced to the closet to him) he developed a dependencey. Each of us who knew him well,knew something wasn't quite write yet he hid his disease from us very well.

His rapid decline came with in the past year,and as we unrelentiing tried to support him with love and every conceivable intervetion known to man out efforts failed.

Collectively we spent countless hours researching , meeting with all aspects of the medical community, addiction specialists, rehab facilites,clergy, individual's in recovery,AA and so on. As the year moved on his disease robbed him of his ability to live. He lost his focus, track of his values and his beliefs. He was a physicians decribed as "non-compliant". Personally I logged countless hours with him. In my exhaustive efforts to help him uncripple himself from his debilitating condition I was repetedly remined that alcholics are not morally or psychologically defective people, but innocent victims of a cronic and progressive disease.

On the good days he told me what I wanted to hear but most of the time it was semantics. I felt he had sealed his fate when began to talk of those who had died,like our father and others, he would tell me they were in a better place. He told me repetedltly he was not a "happy camper" but as much as I hoped/prayed he had know resolve to get better. He was done

After months of exhaustive repitition and futility I told him I could know longer support his decision to not help himself - What a helpless place to be as a loving sister /family educated and with unlimited resources to help I had to let go and let him move on his journey in life without me.I was mad then & I am mad now.

Last November upon much self anaylis (evidenced by to many out of control situations while intoxicated) I decided to take a relaistic look at myself. The end result was I drink to much and eventuly will be in the same situation as my brother. I enrolled in a six week out/patient rehab program. I completed the program hoping to stop? control? my drinking. I went through the program feeling like the highest functioning alcoholic of the group. I stopped drinking for the time went through the program but started up again immediatly after completing it . I know I have a genitic pre-disposition to alcoholisim. While my father didn't drink and my mother drinks in moderation somewhere in the irish
lineage alcohoisim has prevaled.

I guess what I'm saying now is I'm scared to death of loosing everything -My wonderful husband & two presious children -because of my own alcoholisim - I am commited to
the NWO program and have purchased all the supplies. I'm starting tomarrow. Wish me luck. peace

[oldslippers]

It's my turn

be strong

that did bring a tear to my eye, :upset: :too close to home.
you can and have chosen the right path - be strong, dont let IT control YOU
you have been so supportive of others here - accept it back :l
OS

[DeeBee]

It's my turn

Oh Dolphins how your story touched me!!!

I also have a brother who is destorying his life, more with drugs than with AL and I don't know how to reach out to him.

I can only image what a difficult time it must be for you trying to deal with the loss of your brother and heal yourself and your family. I don't have any advice for you other than the people here on MWO are a great support system, so pop in when you are feeling down or just want to chat.

Dee

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Skeeter,
I know where you are coming from as telling my wife was the second hardest thing I had to do next finally admitting to myself that I indeed had a serious drinking problem. Telling her was made me accountable for this part of my life and has carried consequences that can be difficult at times especially when you are struggling. But the upside is that she has been supportive when I needed it the most as it is clearly not easy to battle alcohol dependency especially alone.

Dolphins,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. Alcohol dependency is such a sinister disease and from my own experience there are absolutely no easy answers or quick fix solutions to this problem. I hope you find peace to this tragic event in your life as all of us here do share in this struggle with alcohol's evil ways.

Just as I can find comfort and support here at MWO and the successes people here have with their efforts, I also embrace the suffering each and every one of us here has had to endure in someway or another as it is what keeps me focused and aware of the consequences that come with allowing alcohol to take over our lives.

[louise]

It's my turn

4theboys, Thanks for your journal. Ended a 32 day run with a bottle of wine that was going to be just 1 because I was in a terrible funk and truth was I wanted to be in a haze. Dumb. No help at all. But I already knew that. The will power post was thought provoking.

Dolphins - so sorry about your brother. Glad you are here to help yourself. I also self referred myself for treatment, did a 6 week program and was the only self referred person in the group so thought of myself as higher functioning. Did same thing you did. But that was more than 10 years ago so you are wiser than me.

Old Slippers - glad to see you are still around. Hope you are finding support for yourself. There is a dolphin and a dolphins! Dolphin is doing well.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Today is going to be a good day.

My life today will be pretty much the same as it was yesterday and the day before and even like 6 months ago when my life coexisted with alcohol. Not much will be different. I have my job and work to do. My wife and kids will be there each doing there own thing like always when I get home. My friends will still laugh with me when I see them at a gathering. My brother and sisters will still know me as the brother they grew up with.

Not drinking anymore hasn?t changed any of that. I still get up and go to bed at the same times and still have bills to pay, not getting any younger etc. etc. Of course I feel better and am more productive, healthier and all that. But one thing is different for me and I wanted to share it with all of you because I didn?t expect it and I don?t know why either?but I?m happy! Not silly happy, just not angry anymore happy. Not the dancing through a field of daisies happy, but taking a long walk with out worrying at the same time about drinking happy. Connecting with my family for the first time in so many years in a way I never have before happy. Relaxed happy. The kind of happy you hope to feel after a week of vacation happy, but now I realize I am feeling that way every day now. Kind of a wow for me.

I can see now how even the littlest of alcohol once in my system, only highlighted that reason for drinking in the first place. That trigger, that anger, that pain that I felt I needed alcohol to eliminate from that moment was now validated by the alcohol in my body and then only needed more to try and make go away.

It hasn?t been easy to get here that is for sure. Now that I know this life without AL and I will embrace it with every fiber of my being every new day. I never want to go back and loose this feeling of happiness.

[Chelle12]

It's my turn

4theboyz, your post has brought a tear to my eye. You are an inspiration to us all.