It's my turn

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hi Boyz,
Glad you're doing so well, life seems to be falling into a balanced perspective.

yours, Juliana

[doubter]

It's my turn

I second that!

4theboyz;361834 wrote:

but I’m happy! Not the dancing through a field of daisies happy, but taking a long walk with out worrying at the same time about drinking happy.
I never want to go back and loose this feeling of happiness.

Very well said friend.

After four and a half months of being alcoholfree, that's how I'm starting to feel too. Everyday, I wake up and feel less tense, less worried and am generally in a good frame of mind.

Far fewer axes to grind too.

FarlessofaDoubter

[ready2change]

It's my turn

4TB...you are such an inspiration to me. I love reading your journal...your personal journey from the grips of AL. It is so heartfelt and honest and open. It comes from your heart. I felt your pain when AL re-entered your life for a brief moment, testing his evilness on you.

But you knew better and you kicked him out the door. I read and re-read your posts. They give me hope. I want to be that happy that you describe. And I have been when I have been AF...I want it always. Life will still be life, but mine is pretty darn good, except that I allow AL to blur it with his cloud of doom, his haze of hatred and evil. I pray for the strength to get to the point where I no longer battle with AL...and I find peace and contentment in my life. For we all deserve that.

Please continue to share your journey with us, you are a ray of sunshine in my day.

R2C

[retteacher]

It's my turn

Boyz: I loved what you said about happiness. I think I was looking for that giddy, care-free happiness w/all my drinking. What I have w/sobriety is a sense of contentment w/myself. I have a confidence that I haven't had for many years. I'm able to speak my mind even when I feel nervous about it. I'm walking through situations that used to scare me. I'm realizing that can't happen when I'm drinking...even the sober periods between drinking bouts. There isn't a day when I don't feel grateful that I found MWO. It's been just about a year that I began my first long AF stint. Yes, I've had slips, but between July 07 & today, I've had many more sober days than drinking days. All that effort has added up to a changed person. Positive changes I'm happy to say. Many thanks for this journal. I look forward to reading what you & others have to say.

Mary

[Mike R.]

It's my turn

More power to you man!!
I couldn't have put it any better, the emotions that you're going through, besides not having a wife or children. But you'll be suprised how much gratitude you'll receive back for quitting. Not to speak about the boost in self confidence and self esteem we think we're getting with the bottle.
You're right that it seems selfish. Most of us think only of our own pain, otherwise we wouldn't drink in the first place. But yes, you have to quit for you! I'm not discluding anyone, but YOU have to want it and decide to do it. By your words, you sound like you're good and ready to make that jump.
It's a whole lot better to jump and land on your feet on dry land, rather than to dive into an empty barral that's so hard to climb out of.
God bless and give you the strength to find yourself again.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Everyone has their own reasons for why they find comfort with booze. For me I didn't quite realize it was a problem for me until my body started screaming out in pain. My nightly martinis or a bottle of good wine was more ceremony and celebratory of leading a seemingly good life I was supposed to lead for my wife, kids and coworkers.

I did what I was supposed to do and supposed to *like* doing since it was I after all who had made these choices in life of career, wife and children. I made those necessary sacrifices to get it all done the way it was supposed to be done. Having those martinis took away the sadness of not having time anymore for those things I enjoyed doing for so many years, those friends I grew up hanging out with at a moments notice, the guitar that used to sing out loudly at any hour of the day, the leisurely workouts at the gym all swept aside by the busy schedule of my adult life.

Al, once merely an acquaintance, became my best friend and over time, my only friend. AL was a good friend always there for me. AL was my new thrill ride that quickly and effectively erased the stress, boredom and loneliness of days and dreams gone by. AL also made sure I didn?t notice the disappointment of my wife and kids as I fell asleep in the easy chair watching TV, or when I was ?too tired? to go play outside. AL made sure I failed to see the significance of the concern behind the words ?are you OK to drive?? AL would faithfully erase the agony of a hard day at work made all the more painful from the previous nights drinking.

For far too many years, AL coexisted in my life, AL woke up with me, had breakfast, lunch and dinner with me, went on vacation with me, went out to dinner with me and went to bed with me. Today I know the damage and destruction AL has caused my life and I know I?ll never get those days, weeks and years back. So, I come here seeking answers, comfort and support for what I know I need to continue to do.

It is hard, some days are harder than others especially since AL still wants to be my friend. AL seems to be everywhere which can make some days out right miserable. Supplements and meetings won?t erase away these temptations, and forums, chats and e-mails fade away the moment you move away from the computer.

I guess I didn?t expect abstaining from booze to be this hard. For the most part, I have succeeded in what I set out to do and today I logged my 124th day AF - unfortunately not all in a row but AF days none the less. I only wish to be finally free from the allure and draw of the alcohol that once comforted me so. But I forge on and each AF day gives me renewed strength to do it again, one more day AF. This daily grind and struggle has created a special kinship with many wonderful people here and together we move forward forever hopeful of making it one day at a time.

[cpn1004]

It's my turn

Wow. Great words 4theboyz. You are an inspiration to us all. Please keep sharing your journey.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

February will mark one year that I admitted I had a problem with drinking. Time to remind myself of that fact. 10 months into this issue, you might think I would have some answers as to why I am broken in such a way that drinking booze is a serious problem for me.

Nope, still haven't quite figured it out. Generally speaking, I am in control of my everyday life, good job, great wife, great kids. So what's so wrong in my life that drinking booze seems to be necessary. Being an alcoholic they say is a disease and an alcoholic is suffering a disease with little to no ability control their dependency on alcohol other than to abstain. Sounds logical enough.

Save for the clinical epidemiology of alcohol dependency, I need to understand my own dependency of alcohol in my life. It's easy to say it's a disease that's got me and I'm helpless against it but I finally want to know where and why my life took a wrong turn to wind up here searching for these answers.

Being completely sober for 90 days or so earlier this year was a welcomed break of the insanity that ran my life for so long. It's time for another break, but his time around I really need to dig deeper, poke, prod, and discover hopefully what part of my life is so sad that alcohol is required to cope. It's also time to stop disappointing myself and everyone near and dear to me.

I am though looking forward to much needed good sleep.

[LVT25]

It's my turn

Good to have you back 4theboyz!

[Loppy lugs]

It's my turn

Good luck with your renewed efforts.

I love the Steiner quote that you use. I've recently reread part of his book and at different times, different bits speak to me.

Keep well.

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hey Boyz,
It is good to see you back, but I'm sorry to hear that you are not here to tell us how good your new life is. I've been reading and posting just about every day since last January. I do have my life back, but I learn something here every day. Take care, we are all here for you.

[retteacher]

It's my turn

Boys: It's good to see you back. Lapses, relapses, slips, whatever are there to teach us our lessons. I've had them too. However, until I get sober for a long period of time, I won't be able to figure anything out. I'll just keep staying in the same cycle. Stay w/the program. You'll figure it out. Mary

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well I am back. Not happy about it either. This time out though I feel it will be a much more difficult endeavor as there seems to be elements of my life that demand numbing with alcohol. Being an alcoholic from an addiction/disease standpoint is relatively simple to understand and address, it just takes a willingness to do what is needed to be done. I don't feel I lack that ability or desire to abstain from alcohol...what I am lacking is an understanding of what it is in my life that feels the need to not be felt, dealt with or lived with.

So to try and understand all this on day 2 of my second time down this road is asking a lot and impossible to do with a head swirling with emotions of an out of control desire to drink. It worked for me last time to have this little space here to write down my thoughts and feelings as I take my steps forward towards discovery to what it is I have been running from. The first time I did this was for my boys, this time it is for me.

[mama bear]

It's my turn

Welcome back.....I started out for my kids, but as I progress I am finding it is for me, too....

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

Welcome back. I hate that you have to go down this road again. You'll know to watch out for the potholes.