My demon lover

[muddled muse]

I might tell this story, I might not.

Its not often that I can sit with a clear head this time of the day. Where I am it's 8 at night.

I have loved reading your stories, I know that you will understand my secret.
I have a secret lover, I have a demon lover.

We meet mostly at night, though sometimes the desire to meet comes early in the day.

He seduces me with promises of freedom from shyness, freedom from pain, freedom from emptiness. He tells me that he will fill my hours with warmth and happiness.

When he leaves, I wake up sick, ashamed and filled with a self loathing that leaves me crying for release.

Like so many, it is shame that keeps me a prisoner. I am so tired of the runny guts, the bursting head, the excuses, the excuses and more excuses.
I am tired of the fatigue, I am tired of fighting this demon lover of mine.

Not yet a basket case, I am a professional who lives a life of accepted respectability. Some guess my secret, few mention it.

I have put myself onto antabuse. Its just too easy to cheat though. This is the first time that I have read about this particular program.
I am by nature a sporty person who loves hiking and running. My immune system is shot right now though.

So now I have introduced you to my demon lover, I hope that you understand.

I can finish 10 glasses of wine a day. Not bad for someone who weighs little over 50kg.

[Cinders]

My demon lover

Muddled,

Boy, do I know that lover. Really abusive relationship, isn't it?

How long have you been on the Antabuse? It shouldn't be too easy to cheat through. Do you take it daily?

I am going to ask for it Friday.

Thanks in advance,
Cindi

[muddled muse]

My demon lover

I have been on for fifteen days now. It is rather expensive and I have learnt from previous experience that I can take half a tablet every second day with good effect. I have tried drinking on that dose and lit up like a glow worm. It was followed by a 24 hour migraine and a heart that pounded right out of my chest cavity.
The problem is when you wish to "plan a relapse".

The affair then starts all over again at that point.

[Breez]

My demon lover

Hi & welcome~

yup- have seen a few people here who actually drank while on antibuse-getting sick & everything....shows you how bad things can get.

Read the book, tweak the program to suit your needs, poke your nose in the threads and ask as many questions as you'd like!

Happy you found us. Welcome to a new start!

[Shaba]

My demon lover

Muddled muse, I know your secret lover too, he/she has been cheating on you with me and a lot more people! He(in my case) still seduces me and there are times I cannot say 'no'. I tried Kudzu, and cut down, but now have just ordered Topamaz, I would like to go to bed several nights without my secret lover. I like your description.

[muddled muse]

My demon lover

My father was an alcoholic. His was not a demon lover. He flaunted his drinking. It was his badge of honour. It made him asty, angry, abusive. I watched how it ate him up, destroyed him, left him a pathetic, lying worm.
It ate away his brain. From an athletic, handsome, energetic man, he became a malnourished, brain damaged confused wreck. He died before the age of forty. It was a relief to us all. No more beatings, anger, shame.
I vowed never to be like him.
My brother, like my father has the same gene. He has cirrosis and a lot of anger. He was alcoholic by the age of twenty.
I managed to keep my lover at bay until later in life.

I married a man very similar to my father, only without the drinking.
I learnt that not all sober men are kind and not all drunks are angry.
My drinking started as an emotional pain killer. It helped to silence the constant emotional abuse and control. My lover boosted my seld esteem, told me that I was OK. He made it possible to silence the turmoil inside of me.
Were it not for my lover, I would have left the marriage many years before I eventually did. I though that he was my friend, but he only stifled my inner voices telling me to take care.
I managed to keep my lover in the background until about 6 years ago. I wonder if menopause leaves women more vulnerable.
Until that point, although the lover was always there, hiding in my closet, I could wait until dark. My lover started to want more, he became insistent that he be my one true love. I woke up moreand more often with the taste of his love making still on my breath.

I hadalways fooled myself into thinking that I was not like my father, I was not an angry out of control, blaming drunk who destroyed everthing and every person. I was a funny drunk, a clown, generous and popular.. but I was destroying myself.

As I sit here, having watched an African sunrise, I can relish the promise of the day. My head is clear. I am happy. But my lover is waiting. Will I have the courage to ignore him tonight?

[muddled muse]

My demon lover

Hi, this is a leave taking.
I am off to the bush for a few days.
Being close to nature restores my soul.