Figured I'd better get this done before I forget how pathetic my life has become...Sorry, it's kind of long.
I won't go into the details of my childhood because I'm 46 and have rehashed it enough in my life lol.. except that I started drinking when I was 14. Was at a 2nd cousin's wedding and they were generous with the champagne.. I could have as much as I wanted.. Then as we were leaving, everyone laughed at me (kind of positive reinforcement I guess) because I was being goofy. Discovered my parents' alcohol cabinet shortly after and hit the whiskey hard.. straight. After I was discovered at school passed out and vomit all over.. I was forced to be AF for a while. Turned to some other things in teenager hood, and then quit all but AL when I was 17.
Married my partying buddy BF at 18. Had two kids by age 23. I did great at being AF when pregnant. Almost any other times in my life though, I drank. Sometimes extremely heavy with occasional violence involved, sometimes more controlled. (I'll go into more detail about some of those events when replying to others here describing similar things.) We divorced after he spent 5 years in a bar till 2am (I had a third child by this time) and found out later he also had a Coke prob (found out when my son was in a psych ward a few years ago and he admitted it in the ER, the ex). We were married a total of 12 years.
Remarried about 5 years later. THat lasted one year. Ended in violence and heavy drinking. Then I halfway got my shit together (although still drinking on weekends pretty heavy) and went from a boring accounting job to being a Realtor. Soared in that career for a few years. (Often went to inspections, showed property with a hangover though).
I think my biggest downfall was when I met the next serious BF after two years in real estate. He was kind of an eccentric man, an extreme alcoholic who was in the oil biz (most deals were done in a bar) and a rock and roll guitarist. I was fascinated by him. I spent four years seriously dating this man. I loved meeting in bars, getting Totally smashed, bar hopping (which I hadn't experienced before) and the excitment of going to the really 'cool' places around town. It was a whirlwind. THen he got his 3rd DUI and was terrified of facing jail (which he did have to). Not long after, I was blitzed and ran into someone attempting to drive us to his place.
I was in detox for 12 hours before I could 'blow 0's'. Very ashamed. Very alone.
I had suspected that he wasn't faithful to me, for many various but obvious reasons. I'd get drunk and email him some hateful message.. and then one morning realized that I would lose him if I didn't stop drinking. That is not a reason to stop drinking. I wasn't doing it for me. I had a Very difficult time being AF for two months because I didn't have a support system in place. I was about to start my AL classes for the DUI so it seemd another reason to be AF.
After that two months, one night I just went F*** it.. I started drinking again. I never stopped. That was 6 years ago. I broke up with him within a year, after I realized he was a narcissist.. if anyone has experienced a narcissist, you know how seriously they affect you.
Since then, my life has spiraled down. I lost interest in real estate but the market was also starting to die. The next year I joined my dad's biz as an independent contractor selling stuff to businesses. I did okay for a while. Then when my parents moved to another town, I started in heavier. I had no motivation to go out and get new business anymore (because I usually looked/felt like shit). Eventually (and this is where I find myself now), I became dependent on my parents financially...they have enabled me without even knowing it. Not fully dependent, I had a good fall in the biz... but this year has been slow..
Even for me, it's the most pathetic thing I think I've ever seen.. 46 years old and dependent.. on everything... alcohol, parents.. everything but me. I know this isn't the real me. I'm now finding the real me again.. but I have a long way to go.
So now, I'm getting my head out of my ass. The only good thing I've done in the past six years is get my degree through an online degree program.. Univ of Phoenix. I think my parents were really thinking they were supporting that endeavor, and they were in a way.
Then I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago with chest and back pains.. shortness of breath... you know. Everything turned out okay, thankfully. My liver is okay, etc. They asked me how much I drink as part of the routine questions. I said about 6 beers a night... they went, chin dropped.... 6 beers a night!? Of course I lowballed that number. It was actually more than that. After a chest xray that day.. they said I'm pre-emphysema from smoking. I can't quit smoking when drinking.. so
I have to be AF. I try not to dwell on that pathetic mess now.. I'm trying to focus on my recovery and hope of what good things are to come... and I hope to regain some self-respect..
I won't go into the details of my childhood because I'm 46 and have rehashed it enough in my life lol.. except that I started drinking when I was 14. Was at a 2nd cousin's wedding and they were generous with the champagne.. I could have as much as I wanted.. Then as we were leaving, everyone laughed at me (kind of positive reinforcement I guess) because I was being goofy. Discovered my parents' alcohol cabinet shortly after and hit the whiskey hard.. straight. After I was discovered at school passed out and vomit all over.. I was forced to be AF for a while. Turned to some other things in teenager hood, and then quit all but AL when I was 17.
Married my partying buddy BF at 18. Had two kids by age 23. I did great at being AF when pregnant. Almost any other times in my life though, I drank. Sometimes extremely heavy with occasional violence involved, sometimes more controlled. (I'll go into more detail about some of those events when replying to others here describing similar things.) We divorced after he spent 5 years in a bar till 2am (I had a third child by this time) and found out later he also had a Coke prob (found out when my son was in a psych ward a few years ago and he admitted it in the ER, the ex). We were married a total of 12 years.
Remarried about 5 years later. THat lasted one year. Ended in violence and heavy drinking. Then I halfway got my shit together (although still drinking on weekends pretty heavy) and went from a boring accounting job to being a Realtor. Soared in that career for a few years. (Often went to inspections, showed property with a hangover though).
I think my biggest downfall was when I met the next serious BF after two years in real estate. He was kind of an eccentric man, an extreme alcoholic who was in the oil biz (most deals were done in a bar) and a rock and roll guitarist. I was fascinated by him. I spent four years seriously dating this man. I loved meeting in bars, getting Totally smashed, bar hopping (which I hadn't experienced before) and the excitment of going to the really 'cool' places around town. It was a whirlwind. THen he got his 3rd DUI and was terrified of facing jail (which he did have to). Not long after, I was blitzed and ran into someone attempting to drive us to his place.
I was in detox for 12 hours before I could 'blow 0's'. Very ashamed. Very alone.
I had suspected that he wasn't faithful to me, for many various but obvious reasons. I'd get drunk and email him some hateful message.. and then one morning realized that I would lose him if I didn't stop drinking. That is not a reason to stop drinking. I wasn't doing it for me. I had a Very difficult time being AF for two months because I didn't have a support system in place. I was about to start my AL classes for the DUI so it seemd another reason to be AF.
After that two months, one night I just went F*** it.. I started drinking again. I never stopped. That was 6 years ago. I broke up with him within a year, after I realized he was a narcissist.. if anyone has experienced a narcissist, you know how seriously they affect you.
Since then, my life has spiraled down. I lost interest in real estate but the market was also starting to die. The next year I joined my dad's biz as an independent contractor selling stuff to businesses. I did okay for a while. Then when my parents moved to another town, I started in heavier. I had no motivation to go out and get new business anymore (because I usually looked/felt like shit). Eventually (and this is where I find myself now), I became dependent on my parents financially...they have enabled me without even knowing it. Not fully dependent, I had a good fall in the biz... but this year has been slow..
Even for me, it's the most pathetic thing I think I've ever seen.. 46 years old and dependent.. on everything... alcohol, parents.. everything but me. I know this isn't the real me. I'm now finding the real me again.. but I have a long way to go.
So now, I'm getting my head out of my ass. The only good thing I've done in the past six years is get my degree through an online degree program.. Univ of Phoenix. I think my parents were really thinking they were supporting that endeavor, and they were in a way.
Then I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago with chest and back pains.. shortness of breath... you know. Everything turned out okay, thankfully. My liver is okay, etc. They asked me how much I drink as part of the routine questions. I said about 6 beers a night... they went, chin dropped.... 6 beers a night!? Of course I lowballed that number. It was actually more than that. After a chest xray that day.. they said I'm pre-emphysema from smoking. I can't quit smoking when drinking.. so
I have to be AF. I try not to dwell on that pathetic mess now.. I'm trying to focus on my recovery and hope of what good things are to come... and I hope to regain some self-respect..
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