been trying so hard

[Masquerade]

seeing alot of the V-bottle lately. diagnosed last month with cervical cancer ... been having a big ol pity party-via-GreyGoose. of course, i feel crappy-as-all-get-out from the vodka.

soooooo want to be like all of your successes. especially, Cindi's.

i know i am stronger than this ...... but i just can't seem to locate my reserve strengths lately, damnit-all.

My late daughter Monica's birthday was Thursday, 05/01. She would have been 27. For all her blonde, angelic curls ... sometimes I feel (know) that God was infinite in His wisdom in knowing to take her into Heaven instead of subjecting her to my absent-parenting skills.

Christ; this hurts so much. I can't quit crying ... not sure I want to. I know the tears will continue but I wish they would stop.

Life is a relentless journey through unmarked territory.

[jessie]

been trying so hard

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter - please be kind to yourself and give up the V-bottle. I think Cindi is also using Antabuse, can you get hold of it?
Love
Jessie

[Cinders]

been trying so hard

Masq,

You are sounding awfully low. :l:l

Please consider getting to a counselor, preferably one that is an addiction specialist, too.

For the time being, remember Voddy is making you feel even worse. Try to get away from him.

I, too, extend condolences on your little girl. I don't think us mom's would ever get over a loss like that.

What are they going to do about the cervical cancer? Keep us posted.

As Jessie said, be kind to yourself.

Love,
Cindi

[greeneyes]

been trying so hard

Masquerade, Ouch. Sorry about the loss of your daughter and your diagnosis. Try to put the voddy down. Your body needs to be in good shape for surgery or whatever the tx is to be. We all know AL is a depressant. Try some juice with sparkling water to have something in your hand. Like replacing cigs with toothpicks. The hand to mouth habit. Sending you many :l

[Dolly Sunshine]

been trying so hard

I'm so sorry you are feeling badly. I know it's hard to not drink when so much is stacked against you. If you see an addiction counselor please find one with a bearevment background also. You have quite a burden to bear. I've been there all I can say is maybe we owe it to the ones we've lost to get better.

[Masquerade]

been trying so hard

Your words are invaluable to my spirit. Gosh, you guys. I simply can't quit crying ... and I know your arms reach out to me ... that touches my soul even more. I should be 'over the grieving stage' after all this time ... but I am stilted for some reason.

Good gawd; where are my cajones?? I just want the ability to pick myself up ... and be an inspiration to others again. Honestly, I am always so strong ... this is an anomaly.

Dolly, Green, Cindi and Jessie - I love you all. Thank you for your kindness in responding.

Dona Nobis Pacem.

- Lucinda

[Dolly Sunshine]

been trying so hard

There is never a time we should "STOP" grieveing. You'll know when that time is. Sometimes we never stop. But we can grieve without destroying ourselves. I have always been the strong one also...now I realize the cost of it.

[ducky]

been trying so hard

I just saw the thread and want to say I am thinking of you. It is a terrible thing to lose a child. I have seen it happen to two people in my family and it takes a long time to feel "normal" again. And it will be a new normal as they say. And then to have health issues and AL to deal with...I agree with the others. Maybe some counseling.

And maybe this once others have to pick you up.:h

[Preciouspinot]

been trying so hard

Masq...big hugs to you now. I remember when you posted your story. You are an intelligent professional who has suffered in your personal life. I'm sure your co-workers don't "get" you but, we sure do understand!

God did not take your daughter because he felt you would not be the perfect mother. He took your daughter because she was already perfect.

[jessie]

been trying so hard

Masq, you are in my prayers today! I think you are more gutsy then you realize. How long has it been since you lost Monica? Please get counceling , most churches offer free services and they won't (should not) stuff religion down your throat.
x Jessie

[Masquerade]

been trying so hard

Geez; I am so embarassed by this post. Thanks for all your support!!

Today is a new day and I will celebrate it by hanging up the pity party and appreciating all my blessings.

God's blessings to all. xoxoxox

- Masq Day 1

[KateH1]

been trying so hard

Hi Masq, So sorry you have been having a rough time of it. It seems that it is at our lowest times of feeling vulnerable, that all of the old hurt and pain seems to come back to the surface. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better today.

I do know first hand what one feels like when they get the diagnosis of cervical cancer. I had it in 2000 and as you can see, I am still here. Not only here but better and stronger than ever. If you ever want to talk privately about this, feel free to PM me. As, I am sure you already know, the most important thing you can do is stay on top of this and seek treatment immediately.

Please take time to take good care of yourself. I am sending you comfort and strength and healing energy.
xx Kate

[Bambi]

been trying so hard

Dear Masq,

I know how hard it is to pick ones self back up once we fall into this cycle again, and unfortunately once we are in this cycle we just fall deeper and deeper into it because the Al just keeps causing depression and low self esteem.....

I know because I am there too only unlike you I don't have anything to cause it, just me. Time to pick ourselves back up and brush ourselves off. My plan for the next week is yard work, moving rock around, dry river beds, borders.... to help kick him in the butt! I hope to fall into bed sore and exhausted each and every night tired and ready to do it again the next afternoon when he comes calling again. I hope you have a plan too.

I am so sorry to hear about you cancer, please get yourself AF so you can be "at your best" to fight this, and YOU will! I am sorry to hear that you are hurting and aching for your daughter, I am sure this time of year with her Birthday is especially hard. Take some extra pampering around this time just for you to remember her by...girly things maybe...

I'm glad to see that you are on day 1! Sometimes I think day 1 is the hardest, just the getting started again...

You will be in my thoughts,
Best wishes and Hugs,
Bambi