Well I have been dipping into this site for a while. Now I really need help and support to change. This is my story as best I can tell it.
I have been dipping into this site for well over a year and haven't dared to share too much of myself. There is too much shame and disgrace involved. Most people will probably say 'what in the world is her problem?' She has a loving mum and a dad and has a husband and children. Why is she here? I ask these questions many many times a day but just know I have a problem that I feel I didn't ask for. Its just there and needs dealing with.
I had a very happy childhood until my parents split up when I was 9. My parents had married as a result of expecting me. It was almost the perfect childhood as I was confident and secure in my family life. At about the same time as my parents split up my Nan(dads mum) had a serious stroke. She had played a very vital role in my upbringing but after this was very disabled. I felt that a rock in my life had fallen away. My Grandad I learned later was an alcoholic and gave up drinking to look after her. He is still alive to this day.
My dad found another woman which totally threw my mum. She had depended on Dad ( her father had killed himself when she was 13).
I started suffering from migraines then. My Mum and Dad both remarried other people and my mum had another child when I was 12. I lived with my mum but spent 2 night s a week with my dad.
The relationship with my dad and his wife deteriorated quickly. She was very jealous of me and my brother and when I was with them it was obvious that me and my brother were not the major concern.
My stepdad did his best but I always felt an outsider and never felt I belonged anywhere.
My mum focussed on her relationship with him so I never felt secure.
I developed anorexia nervosa but managed to eat enough after I realised what I had wrong with me
To cut a long story short, I had a psychotic breakdown whilst doing my exams for university. I was due to go to medical school but didn't get the grades.
I married when I was 21 and got my degree in maths at 23. I rarely drank at all. My weight was always very low. I drank to help myself eat, it kicked in my appetite. was given ADs as very depressed.
After graduating I got a good job. After a spell of eating well I became pregnant, had a lovely boy(he is now 9!) . I started to drink more to cope with feelings, became pregnant again. This time I was very ill, I didn't manage to eat well at all. After the baby (another boy- now 7!) I was sectioned in hosp with PND. I overdosed about 8 times - this was by far the worst year of my life.
After 6 months in hosp with some input from a specialist eating disorder unit I managed to get myself on some even keel. Only to land myself back in hosp 9 months later at bmi of 13.
Had 10 months in ED unit. Had loads of support and councelling. Came out and with constant support managed to be at home with my boys and be a good enough mother.
Have had another child and as I have managed to eat well enough to keep on an even keel, I have found I've been drinking to help the anxiety.
Now I drink a bottle of wine in one night. I've managed to cut this down, but it is so so hard, every evening I don't drink the old anorexoa kicks in and I struggle so much with the thoughts and struggle big time to eat. I feel tormented whatever road I take.
Now that is my story and I don't want any sympathy as I realise I am very blessed to still be here and have 3 beautiful children.
My hope is that I can see them grow up and to see their children.
Sorry if this has been such a long drawn out story
I have been dipping into this site for well over a year and haven't dared to share too much of myself. There is too much shame and disgrace involved. Most people will probably say 'what in the world is her problem?' She has a loving mum and a dad and has a husband and children. Why is she here? I ask these questions many many times a day but just know I have a problem that I feel I didn't ask for. Its just there and needs dealing with.
I had a very happy childhood until my parents split up when I was 9. My parents had married as a result of expecting me. It was almost the perfect childhood as I was confident and secure in my family life. At about the same time as my parents split up my Nan(dads mum) had a serious stroke. She had played a very vital role in my upbringing but after this was very disabled. I felt that a rock in my life had fallen away. My Grandad I learned later was an alcoholic and gave up drinking to look after her. He is still alive to this day.
My dad found another woman which totally threw my mum. She had depended on Dad ( her father had killed himself when she was 13).
I started suffering from migraines then. My Mum and Dad both remarried other people and my mum had another child when I was 12. I lived with my mum but spent 2 night s a week with my dad.
The relationship with my dad and his wife deteriorated quickly. She was very jealous of me and my brother and when I was with them it was obvious that me and my brother were not the major concern.
My stepdad did his best but I always felt an outsider and never felt I belonged anywhere.
My mum focussed on her relationship with him so I never felt secure.
I developed anorexia nervosa but managed to eat enough after I realised what I had wrong with me
To cut a long story short, I had a psychotic breakdown whilst doing my exams for university. I was due to go to medical school but didn't get the grades.
I married when I was 21 and got my degree in maths at 23. I rarely drank at all. My weight was always very low. I drank to help myself eat, it kicked in my appetite. was given ADs as very depressed.
After graduating I got a good job. After a spell of eating well I became pregnant, had a lovely boy(he is now 9!) . I started to drink more to cope with feelings, became pregnant again. This time I was very ill, I didn't manage to eat well at all. After the baby (another boy- now 7!) I was sectioned in hosp with PND. I overdosed about 8 times - this was by far the worst year of my life.
After 6 months in hosp with some input from a specialist eating disorder unit I managed to get myself on some even keel. Only to land myself back in hosp 9 months later at bmi of 13.
Had 10 months in ED unit. Had loads of support and councelling. Came out and with constant support managed to be at home with my boys and be a good enough mother.
Have had another child and as I have managed to eat well enough to keep on an even keel, I have found I've been drinking to help the anxiety.
Now I drink a bottle of wine in one night. I've managed to cut this down, but it is so so hard, every evening I don't drink the old anorexoa kicks in and I struggle so much with the thoughts and struggle big time to eat. I feel tormented whatever road I take.
Now that is my story and I don't want any sympathy as I realise I am very blessed to still be here and have 3 beautiful children.
My hope is that I can see them grow up and to see their children.
Sorry if this has been such a long drawn out story
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