Hi everyone,
I am so glad to have found this site...I know its not the case, but I really had began to convince myself that I'm the only one with a drink problem, everyone else around me seems able to say 'no' to the demon drink or at least to be able to moderate their drinking. I only have to open a bottle of wine, and its downhill from there...
I don't know why I drink. Like a lot of people, I had a crap childhood involving incest and other kinds of physical violence from my brother and father. Consequently, I ended up in care, but I don't regret that, as I'd probably not be alive today otherwise. Most people knock the care system but it gave me a sense of security that I'd never had from my own family. The problem is, that one day, when you reach 18, you're no longer a ward of the state, and are left alone without any support...or at least that's the way it was then, its probably changed for the better now...anyway, leaving care was actually the beginning of my troubles. To cut a long story short, I became pregnant as a result of a rape, and a couple of years later had a second child...the father left as soon as he heard my 'news'. Yet still, I managed somehow to keep everything together, holding down jobs and studying for a degree [incredibly I somehow managed to get as far as PhD]. Today, I'm what many people would consider successful; I have a good job, nice home, a lovely husband, and a fantastic grandson.
I don't know why I started to turn to the drink - as a teenager, and well into my 30s, I more or less left alchohol alone. It did nothing for me. I could enjoy the odd glass of wine here and there. But in my late 30s I noticed I'd started to drink more and more. This was a particularly stressful time, as I was holding down numerous jobs while doing my thesis. It didn't help that I have always suffered a distinct lack of confidence, and anyone who's done a degree or a PhD will tell you how the process can completely bring you down. Inside, I was constantly plagued by the thought that I wasn't particularly clever, certainly no where as clever as my friends who were also doing a PhD. I was constantly worried that one day I'd be exposed for the fraud that I was. Its not surprising that I developed a friendship with someone who wasn't part of the academic world - she was great company, we had lots of fun... the only problem was, she was a serious, heavy drinker - we hardly ever met outside of a pub. But still she was my best friend, the only person, it appeared who wanted to spend time with me...
Gradually, I went from drinking only on a Thursday evening - which is when my freind and I always met - to drinking over the weekend, then it crept into the week days...
Anyway, I have been drinking way too much for at least the past five years now...wine is my downfall, I rarely drink anything else but wine - the ocassional beer on holiday but otherwise, white wine...just thinking about it now, I start to salivate...
Everyday, I drink at least one bottle of wine - sometimes, when things are really bad, it might be as much as two, though this isn't very often. During the working week, I don't drink during the day, though on weekends, I might start around lunchtime. But as soon as I arrive home from work, I hit the bottle and I don't stop until its gone, by which time, I'm also gone. I hardly ever get serious hangovers, though I'm often left tired and dehydrated in the mornings and yes, I've had to pull a sickie on more than one ocassion. It doesn't help that drinking disturbs my sleep patterns.
Just about every morning I wake up and promise myself that this day is going to be different: I start the morning full of reslution promsiing myself I'm not going to drink at all today, by lunchtime, I'm thinking maybe I can just have a couple of glasses, but by the time I get home, any good resolutions have gone out of the window. I don't keep bottles of wine in the house, so I have to buy them on the way home from work everyday...I work away from home, spend a lot of time alone, so don't have to hide my drinking. When I'm around my husband, he'll sometimes make comments about the amount tthat I drink, but never any more than that...
I don't drink with my colleagues, and I don't socialise with them, because I don't want them to know about my nasty secret. I'm pretty sure that they'd all be shocked if they knew that I go home each evening and down a bottle of wine...I know that they see me as a 'strong' and confident person; but what they don't know is just how little confidence I have...soemtimes, I avoid staff meetings because the thought of having to speak out in public makes me feel physically ill...I find it hard meeting new peopel [its much easier if I've a glass or two of wine inside of me]. The odd thing is that I'm a lecturer...most of the time, I don't have any problems doing my job, as I am pretty good at 'performing' the role - though there are times when I'm feeling particularly bad that the mere thought of walking into a lecture hall also makes me feel like throwing up, though again, I'm able to hide my fears. And I know that my students think I'm a great lecturer. I'm often asked to do public speaking events, and in my job, I often have to chair public lectures, seminars, etc. I find myself feeling nauseous before each event, but somehow manage to 'perform'.
And of course, at the end of the day, to cope with it all, I go home and congratulate myself for having gotten trhough another day with yes, a bottle of wine.
For some time now, I've been aware that I need to tackle this problem. My brother, an alcoholic for nearly 30 years died, aged 47, in 2004 from an alcohol related illness. I have high blood pressure, my glucose levels are high, and my GP suspects that I've developed diabetes, which runs in my family - I'm about to have blood tests for diabetes, liver function etc. I'm 47, and desperately want to turn things around before it's too late. And I want to be around for grandson - I want to be part of his life for as long as I possibly can.
Alcohol is killing me, slowly, but surely.
I am so tired of all of this daily battle, I am so tired of the constant mental and physical lethargy; I hate the way it depresses my mood, yet at other times turns me from a normally placid and laid back person into an angry raving monster [my husband's been at the receiving end of my alchol fuelled ravings more times than I care to confess]; I hate the way it's deadened my emotional life, so that I feel dead inside most of the time. I hate the way its killed off my energy, and the incredible weight gain. I used to be soemone who ran everyday [sometimes twice a day], belonged to a running club and ran 10Ks, went to the gym 3-4 times a week, took part in sponsored races and walks. Unfortuanately, I busted my knee which means that running is no longer an option and for other reasons, I no longer get to the gym or do any of the other regular exercise that I used to do, and that I took such incredible pleasure from. I don't think this is all because of alcohol, though I'm sure it plays a part in it somewhere.
Most of all I hate my dependence upon the stuff.
It hardly ever brings me pleasure, only fuels my sense of self-loathing.
I've thought about AA but I'm not a 'group person' and would die at the thought of confessing my alcholism so publicly [but then again, what can be more public than the internet?]. Also, and I mean no offense to anyone, but I'm not particularly religious and perhaps I have a poor understanding of AA, but I'm just not willing to accept the existence of a 'Dvine Being' other than Mother Nature.
I went to a therapist for about a year, but frankly, that did little good - true, I did manage for a time to moderate my drinking, and it felt really good, but after a year, I didn't think that I was getting anywhere, and so dropped the therapist.
I can't afford expensive therapy or rehab.
I don't know if I'm ready for abstinence, but I want to try for moderation at least.
I've been looking around the site, the various forums, and I'm imspired by your stories, by the generosity of spirit and support, so much so that its encouraged me to join.
And if nothing else, I've been so engrossed in the site that amazingly, it's 9.00p.m. and I've yet to have my first glass of wine - I'd normally have been halfway through the bottle by now!
Thanks for listening!
Sunlovingme.
I am so glad to have found this site...I know its not the case, but I really had began to convince myself that I'm the only one with a drink problem, everyone else around me seems able to say 'no' to the demon drink or at least to be able to moderate their drinking. I only have to open a bottle of wine, and its downhill from there...
I don't know why I drink. Like a lot of people, I had a crap childhood involving incest and other kinds of physical violence from my brother and father. Consequently, I ended up in care, but I don't regret that, as I'd probably not be alive today otherwise. Most people knock the care system but it gave me a sense of security that I'd never had from my own family. The problem is, that one day, when you reach 18, you're no longer a ward of the state, and are left alone without any support...or at least that's the way it was then, its probably changed for the better now...anyway, leaving care was actually the beginning of my troubles. To cut a long story short, I became pregnant as a result of a rape, and a couple of years later had a second child...the father left as soon as he heard my 'news'. Yet still, I managed somehow to keep everything together, holding down jobs and studying for a degree [incredibly I somehow managed to get as far as PhD]. Today, I'm what many people would consider successful; I have a good job, nice home, a lovely husband, and a fantastic grandson.
I don't know why I started to turn to the drink - as a teenager, and well into my 30s, I more or less left alchohol alone. It did nothing for me. I could enjoy the odd glass of wine here and there. But in my late 30s I noticed I'd started to drink more and more. This was a particularly stressful time, as I was holding down numerous jobs while doing my thesis. It didn't help that I have always suffered a distinct lack of confidence, and anyone who's done a degree or a PhD will tell you how the process can completely bring you down. Inside, I was constantly plagued by the thought that I wasn't particularly clever, certainly no where as clever as my friends who were also doing a PhD. I was constantly worried that one day I'd be exposed for the fraud that I was. Its not surprising that I developed a friendship with someone who wasn't part of the academic world - she was great company, we had lots of fun... the only problem was, she was a serious, heavy drinker - we hardly ever met outside of a pub. But still she was my best friend, the only person, it appeared who wanted to spend time with me...
Gradually, I went from drinking only on a Thursday evening - which is when my freind and I always met - to drinking over the weekend, then it crept into the week days...
Anyway, I have been drinking way too much for at least the past five years now...wine is my downfall, I rarely drink anything else but wine - the ocassional beer on holiday but otherwise, white wine...just thinking about it now, I start to salivate...
Everyday, I drink at least one bottle of wine - sometimes, when things are really bad, it might be as much as two, though this isn't very often. During the working week, I don't drink during the day, though on weekends, I might start around lunchtime. But as soon as I arrive home from work, I hit the bottle and I don't stop until its gone, by which time, I'm also gone. I hardly ever get serious hangovers, though I'm often left tired and dehydrated in the mornings and yes, I've had to pull a sickie on more than one ocassion. It doesn't help that drinking disturbs my sleep patterns.
Just about every morning I wake up and promise myself that this day is going to be different: I start the morning full of reslution promsiing myself I'm not going to drink at all today, by lunchtime, I'm thinking maybe I can just have a couple of glasses, but by the time I get home, any good resolutions have gone out of the window. I don't keep bottles of wine in the house, so I have to buy them on the way home from work everyday...I work away from home, spend a lot of time alone, so don't have to hide my drinking. When I'm around my husband, he'll sometimes make comments about the amount tthat I drink, but never any more than that...
I don't drink with my colleagues, and I don't socialise with them, because I don't want them to know about my nasty secret. I'm pretty sure that they'd all be shocked if they knew that I go home each evening and down a bottle of wine...I know that they see me as a 'strong' and confident person; but what they don't know is just how little confidence I have...soemtimes, I avoid staff meetings because the thought of having to speak out in public makes me feel physically ill...I find it hard meeting new peopel [its much easier if I've a glass or two of wine inside of me]. The odd thing is that I'm a lecturer...most of the time, I don't have any problems doing my job, as I am pretty good at 'performing' the role - though there are times when I'm feeling particularly bad that the mere thought of walking into a lecture hall also makes me feel like throwing up, though again, I'm able to hide my fears. And I know that my students think I'm a great lecturer. I'm often asked to do public speaking events, and in my job, I often have to chair public lectures, seminars, etc. I find myself feeling nauseous before each event, but somehow manage to 'perform'.
And of course, at the end of the day, to cope with it all, I go home and congratulate myself for having gotten trhough another day with yes, a bottle of wine.
For some time now, I've been aware that I need to tackle this problem. My brother, an alcoholic for nearly 30 years died, aged 47, in 2004 from an alcohol related illness. I have high blood pressure, my glucose levels are high, and my GP suspects that I've developed diabetes, which runs in my family - I'm about to have blood tests for diabetes, liver function etc. I'm 47, and desperately want to turn things around before it's too late. And I want to be around for grandson - I want to be part of his life for as long as I possibly can.
Alcohol is killing me, slowly, but surely.
I am so tired of all of this daily battle, I am so tired of the constant mental and physical lethargy; I hate the way it depresses my mood, yet at other times turns me from a normally placid and laid back person into an angry raving monster [my husband's been at the receiving end of my alchol fuelled ravings more times than I care to confess]; I hate the way it's deadened my emotional life, so that I feel dead inside most of the time. I hate the way its killed off my energy, and the incredible weight gain. I used to be soemone who ran everyday [sometimes twice a day], belonged to a running club and ran 10Ks, went to the gym 3-4 times a week, took part in sponsored races and walks. Unfortuanately, I busted my knee which means that running is no longer an option and for other reasons, I no longer get to the gym or do any of the other regular exercise that I used to do, and that I took such incredible pleasure from. I don't think this is all because of alcohol, though I'm sure it plays a part in it somewhere.
Most of all I hate my dependence upon the stuff.
It hardly ever brings me pleasure, only fuels my sense of self-loathing.
I've thought about AA but I'm not a 'group person' and would die at the thought of confessing my alcholism so publicly [but then again, what can be more public than the internet?]. Also, and I mean no offense to anyone, but I'm not particularly religious and perhaps I have a poor understanding of AA, but I'm just not willing to accept the existence of a 'Dvine Being' other than Mother Nature.
I went to a therapist for about a year, but frankly, that did little good - true, I did manage for a time to moderate my drinking, and it felt really good, but after a year, I didn't think that I was getting anywhere, and so dropped the therapist.
I can't afford expensive therapy or rehab.
I don't know if I'm ready for abstinence, but I want to try for moderation at least.
I've been looking around the site, the various forums, and I'm imspired by your stories, by the generosity of spirit and support, so much so that its encouraged me to join.
And if nothing else, I've been so engrossed in the site that amazingly, it's 9.00p.m. and I've yet to have my first glass of wine - I'd normally have been halfway through the bottle by now!
Thanks for listening!
Sunlovingme.
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