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    #1

    Not sure how i got here

    Just a little about me, as i suppose i need to get this out.

    I grew up with parents who abused alcohol. My father was abusive both physically and emotionally to my mother, myself, my brother and my little sister. I left home at the age of 14 as i could no longer stand being beaten up. I lived in foster homes, refuges and then on my own since the age of 15. At the age of 16 i returned back home but was thrown out after a couple of months by my father when he was in one of his rages. I went to live with my then boyfriend who lived 4 hours away.

    At 17 i was pregnant with my first child and married my ex husband at 17. I knew this wasn't right as he was very abusive and had drug and alcohol problems. By the time i was 19 i had 2 children and then my third at 23.I stayed in this marriage for 10 long years and left when i was 27. Through all the abuse and hardship i never touched a drink.

    It was at this time i met my current husband. He is a lovely person and i know he loves me deeply. We started to share a glass of wine together, firstly with me just taking a sip from his glass and then progressing onto one of my own. Within 6 months i was easily drinking half the bottle every night, by 12 months i was drinking a full bottle.

    I lost custody of my children to my ex, was drinking heavily by this time and had no will power to fight for them and was also pregnant with my fourth child, who is now 8. I knew i had a problem by now as i could not go a day without Al but refused to admit it.

    I married my second husband 5 years ago and have since had 2 more children. One is almost 2 and the other is now almost four months old.

    I am so ashamed of what i have done. I drank through my last 3 pregnancies and whilst i breastfed my babies. Baby at breast, wine in one hand and a smoke in the other. I have driven the car with my children in it whilst i have been drunk. I have neglected by babies because i have been so drunk i can not look after them. My daughter has missed school as i have not been able to get out of bed.

    All this is very hard to admit to, but i know i have a very serious problem and i have to stop drinking before i kill myself or my children because of stupid behaviour.

    I really want to go back to the person i was before i started Al. I was successful, and ran my own company with 8 employees. I was a good mum and kept our home clean and still managed to stay on top of everything even though i was living with an abusive alcoholic husband.

    I want to give me back to my family.:upset:

    This is the end of Day 1 AF for me. I am trying to stay positive.

    Hope you don't mind me sharing.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Not sure how i got here

    :welcome:No one here minds you sharing, in fact we are all so glad that you did. You have made a great first step by going one day AF and by posting here. If you have not read others posts you should. You are not alone and you never have to feel that way. You will receive alot of support here. Stick around, get and read the book. Read the posts and share your feelings. You will be supported by many people here. swelcome to MWO.

    Comment

      #3
      Not sure how i got here

      NoMore,

      :welcome:


      I am so ashamed of what i have done. I drank through my last 3 pregnancies and whilst i breastfed my babies. Baby at breast, wine in one hand and a smoke in the other. I have driven the car with my children in it whilst i have been drunk. I have neglected by babies because i have been so drunk i can not look after them. My daughter has missed school as i have not been able to get out of bed.
      First off, throw the SHAME out the window. It will not help you or your family. You simply cannot do anything about what you did. Shoot, all of us wish we could, but we can't.

      Secondly, Day 1 AF. What a huge step. Here you are doing what you must do. So be PROUD of what you are doing.

      I disagree with one of your statements, though.

      I really want to go back to the person i was before i started Al. I was successful, and ran my own company with 8 employees. I was a good mum and kept our home clean and still managed to stay on top of everything even though i was living with an abusive alcoholic husband.
      I think you may want to be in a place where you are now, and know what life is about and what is important. You want to be BETTER than that person... You want to be aware, ready to take it on, and going.

      You can do this.

      We do it.

      We will help.

      Love,
      Cindi
      AF April 9, 2016

      Comment

        #4
        Not sure how i got here

        Hello Nomoretisit ~

        Welcome. Thanks for sharing. I'm almost 38 and did not drink to excess until about 5 years ago and it progressed to the point of all-consuming stealer of life, family, and work.

        I'm not sure if this will help, but this time is working way better for me because I finally am allowing my wife to be on board with this problem; she stayed out of my way, waiting on the sidelines until I was ready to REALLY talk about what was going on with me ... I spilled it all, admitted that it had become a physical addiction, and since then, I've been sharing my progress closely with her. It sounds like your husband is loving and supportive. In the end, you have to do it for yourself, but for me, the future looks brighter now that I don't have that skeleton in the closet hiding from my wife. reduction of guilt is key ... I used to think of quiting, I'd feel guilty and ashamed and grab for the vodka. No more.

        I wish you all the best ... make new habits ... feel proud of all you've accomplished, and look forward as if your world can make more sense sober, because it will ... it's the only way out.

        Keep reading and posting your feelings, the things that trigger your cravings, and what you're doing to stay AF. Lots of folks here to keep up with you and lend advice and support!!!

        Best,

        Sam

        Comment

          #5
          Not sure how i got here

          Nomore: That was a very honest & straightforward story you told. Ask for help, because you are worth it. Keep coming here & do anything else you need to do in order to help yourself (& ultimately your children). This disease doesn't have to be passed on to the next generation. Mary
          Wisdom, Courage, Strength
          October 3, 2012

          Comment

            #6
            Not sure how i got here

            Welcome nomore

            K
            Nov 1 2006 avg 100 - 120 drinks/week
            April 29 2011 TSM avg 70 - 80/wk
            wks* 1- 6: 256/1AF (avg 42.6/wk)
            wks* 7-12: 229/3AF (avg 38.1/wk)
            wks 13-18: 192/5AF (avg 32.0/wk)
            wks 19-24: 176/1AF (avg 29.3/wk)
            wks 25-30: 154/10AF (avg 25.6/wk)
            wks 31-36: 30/37AF (avg 5/wk )

            I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
            http://www.thesinclairmethod.net/community/

            Comment

              #7
              Not sure how i got here

              hi - the previous replies are right, noone minds you sharing so get that out of your head and yes get rid of the word shame - what's happened is done, over, gone, no way to change it so we need to move forward from here. i don't have any kids but i wonder if you may need some time by yourself to get the af going. maybe not - maybe being alone would be worse -like i said no kids here - just thinking about the stress level inside you??
              dove

              Comment

                #8
                Not sure how i got here

                Hello Nomore and welcome
                You will find plenty of help here. There are lots of variations on the MWO programme - you just have to find what suits you but the main thing is that you have to want it. I was in a downward spiral of binge drinking and smoking just over two months ago. I went on the anti smoking pills chantix and they took away any desire to smoke and drink for me and allowed me to get a kick start on being AF. There are other medications that people on here are taking. Antabuse takes the choice out of AL and works for many on here. The bottom line is - there is help and you just need to do some research and find what will work for you and kick ass.
                BH (no more)

                Comment

                  #9
                  Not sure how i got here

                  Welcome nomore.

                  Admitting to ourselves we have a problem is a very big step and you've taken an even bigger one by coming here and sharing your story with us.. I have to agree with Cindi as well on the comment you made. I tried to follow this path of getting my life back before booze took over. It's done me more harm than good to be honest and it's had me living in the past rather than the here and now. Live for the moment and what you have NOW. I do think we have to get back in touch with our inner and most core beliefs before booze manipulated them but we also need to rid ourselves of those beliefs that somehow brought us to where we are today.

                  I really wish you well and hope you get all the support here you need.

                  Love and Happiness
                  Hippie
                  xx
                  "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
                  Clean and sober 25th January 2009

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Not sure how i got here

                    I think maybe i have been misunderstood when i say i want to go back to who i was.

                    I don't want to turn back time. I don't want to be with my ex (I would truly rather die then for that to happen)

                    What i meant to say is I want to be the person again who doesn't put things off and is capable of doing what is needed to be successful. I let so much go because of my dependance on AL.

                    I want to be healthy both physically and mentally so that i can give my best to my children, husband and friends.

                    Most of all I want the stress gone of having to hide my drinking problem. I can't wait to feel better about myself. I want to run and laugh and swim and play with my children.

                    I want them to have a happy home, where they feel safe. And i want to see them smile and smile when they smile.

                    I just really want to be strong again and to enjoy life without AL.

                    And thanks everyone for making me feel welcome.
                    :hug:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Not sure how i got here

                      Hi no more. Just wanted to add another welcome! Thank you for sharing your story so openly. Especially in your last post, I can completely relate to your strong desire to be free..... free of the guilt, the hassle, the effort it takes to try to hide it, and especially the lost moments with our loved ones.

                      WE CAN DO THIS!! I'm glad you are here - let us know how we can help. It's not easy, but it's so worth it - that's why I've kept coming back and hopefully I've now had my last drink!

                      DG
                      21 Days AF
                      *********************
                      Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                      Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                      One day at a time.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Not sure how i got here

                        :goodjob:Hwy Nomnore: I am so glad you made it here, hope you are doing alright, no great today. You will do great for yourself, your children and your husband.
                        the most positive thing I can say is look at yourself hon you have caome along way in just a couple days, stay with us because we all know that each day AF is one step closer to finding who you are and what you will be


                        take care always :h
                        :heart:AF since May 31 2008.....Happy and Healthy

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Not sure how i got here

                          NoMore,

                          How are you doing today? You should be on day 3 now.

                          These early days can be a bit rough, you get the physical and the mental to deal with.

                          Let us know. We will help in anyway we can.

                          Take care,
                          Cindi
                          AF April 9, 2016

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Not sure how i got here

                            Thanks Cindi and everyone else,

                            Yep, i have survived day 3. It has been a bit up and down but i got thru it. All your support really helps.

                            Must say amazed at how tired i am feeling and wish the headaches would go away.

                            Bring on Day 4.

                            Nomore

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Not sure how i got here

                              Wishing you strength for day 4. Way to go!

                              Comment

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