I have been a member on this site for a year and AF for 68 days.I hope that by posting my story it will help me deal with some of the feelings that I have been struggling with lately. I think I am beginning to feel for the first time in a long time. I?m not sure I like what I feel and it reminds me why I was drinking in the first place.
I am a forty-five year old mother of two boys (19 &13). I was raised by an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother. My Mom never worked when we were kids and although my Dad drank we had a very good family life. We had a nice house on Long Island, a small boat, a camper and a cabin in upstate NY. We went on vacations every year and I thought we were the most normal family. Looking back how wrong I was. There was not physical abuse, but my father thought AL was more important than anything else in his life. He still does.
My older brother was a full blown alcoholic by the time he was 21. He stopped drinking shortly after that and has been AF for over 20 years. There is a long line of alcoholics in my family. In fact, I can not think of one male figure in my life that was not an alcoholic.
So I guess it would only figure that I would marry someone who was not only a drinker but also into drugs. He smoked pot and I made it very clear to him that I wanted no part of the drugs. I was drinking during these years but it was a take it or leave it thing. When we decided to marry I said that there would be no drugs in my house and he agreed.
Fast forward?we had our first son, moved to Florida and I was never happy again. I did not like being away from family and friends, but I mostly didn?t like being lied to on a daily basis. I knew he was doing drugs, but I could never prove it. I knew because of the money that was spent, the time he was not home phone calls etc. Every time I found anything I was told some crazy story and I remember always feeling like he was trying to make me think I was the crazy one. We had our second child and things continued to be a constant lie. I could always feel it. It is so difficult to always be lied to. You doubt everything. During all this time, I could take or leave alcohol.
Seven years ago my life changed. My husband and I had a huge fight and he said he was leaving. I had two small children and I was scared. I went to counseling and was put on anti-depressants. It was at that time that my relationship to alcohol changed. It helped me sleep.
My husband and I worked it out and he moved home a few months later. By that time I believe I was hooked on alcohol. I was hiding how much I was drinking and I stopped the AD medication. It didn?t work while I was drinking anyway.
About a year later I had realized that having my husband come home was a mistake and shortly later he was arrested for drug possession. I spent the next year taking care of the kids every minute of the day as he was on probation and had to attend something like 20 or more AA meetings a week. He never stopped drinking though. I have never forgiven him for this arrest and we are now living like roommates. I had continued to drink until 68 days ago.
I wanted to post this because there are things here that I have never told another person about my drinking or my family. I have been feeling so many things lately, but mostly I feel like I have been using alcohol to numb the pain of my unhappiness and lonliness. I look back and question decisions I made and have regrets which makes me want to drink to forget.
I hope getting this out in the open will help me feel less shamed by those decisions. Not sure where I need to go from here. Staying AF is very important to my future though and with all your help I hope to be able to do that. I would never be able to move forward and address my feelings if I continued on the way things were. Thank you all for all you have done for me and for being here to support me.
I am a forty-five year old mother of two boys (19 &13). I was raised by an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother. My Mom never worked when we were kids and although my Dad drank we had a very good family life. We had a nice house on Long Island, a small boat, a camper and a cabin in upstate NY. We went on vacations every year and I thought we were the most normal family. Looking back how wrong I was. There was not physical abuse, but my father thought AL was more important than anything else in his life. He still does.
My older brother was a full blown alcoholic by the time he was 21. He stopped drinking shortly after that and has been AF for over 20 years. There is a long line of alcoholics in my family. In fact, I can not think of one male figure in my life that was not an alcoholic.
So I guess it would only figure that I would marry someone who was not only a drinker but also into drugs. He smoked pot and I made it very clear to him that I wanted no part of the drugs. I was drinking during these years but it was a take it or leave it thing. When we decided to marry I said that there would be no drugs in my house and he agreed.
Fast forward?we had our first son, moved to Florida and I was never happy again. I did not like being away from family and friends, but I mostly didn?t like being lied to on a daily basis. I knew he was doing drugs, but I could never prove it. I knew because of the money that was spent, the time he was not home phone calls etc. Every time I found anything I was told some crazy story and I remember always feeling like he was trying to make me think I was the crazy one. We had our second child and things continued to be a constant lie. I could always feel it. It is so difficult to always be lied to. You doubt everything. During all this time, I could take or leave alcohol.
Seven years ago my life changed. My husband and I had a huge fight and he said he was leaving. I had two small children and I was scared. I went to counseling and was put on anti-depressants. It was at that time that my relationship to alcohol changed. It helped me sleep.
My husband and I worked it out and he moved home a few months later. By that time I believe I was hooked on alcohol. I was hiding how much I was drinking and I stopped the AD medication. It didn?t work while I was drinking anyway.
About a year later I had realized that having my husband come home was a mistake and shortly later he was arrested for drug possession. I spent the next year taking care of the kids every minute of the day as he was on probation and had to attend something like 20 or more AA meetings a week. He never stopped drinking though. I have never forgiven him for this arrest and we are now living like roommates. I had continued to drink until 68 days ago.
I wanted to post this because there are things here that I have never told another person about my drinking or my family. I have been feeling so many things lately, but mostly I feel like I have been using alcohol to numb the pain of my unhappiness and lonliness. I look back and question decisions I made and have regrets which makes me want to drink to forget.
I hope getting this out in the open will help me feel less shamed by those decisions. Not sure where I need to go from here. Staying AF is very important to my future though and with all your help I hope to be able to do that. I would never be able to move forward and address my feelings if I continued on the way things were. Thank you all for all you have done for me and for being here to support me.
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