I don't have much of a story. In fact I feel guilty after reading other people's stories. Normal childhood, Dad drank beer, yelled sometime, no abuse, no fairytale, but nothing out of the unusual. Didn't have a drop until I was thirty-five and both children got their own interests and I had to find my own friends instead of playing Candy Land on Friday nights. Drinking was social, for many years. I was divorced but never the less, happy. No reason to drink. No financial worries, stability in my life and basically no worries.
Started dating a guy who owned a bar. I worked there part-time and the drinks started to become more frequent. Then I started doing something at the age of 40 I had NEVER done. Started to drink AT HOME with him. The relationship continued and so did the drinking. We fed off of each other. No matter how drunk and embarassing my behavior was, there was never any reprecussions from him because he was as bad as me. Finally, I ended the relationship. I started dating someone else who started calling me out on my drinking. Although patient with me, he let me know it was clearly a problem. Now let me tell you, I have never drank ANY hard liquor (thank God, I would probably be dead), but I would have no "off switch" with wine. With beer, I would for the most part get full and stop.
This man I speak of and I got married five weeks ago. We spent 17 days in Athens, Santorini and Crete. I for the most part behaved myself and made a vow when I got home to make a change. I am 47 and he is 35, successful, good looking and kind. Now, if I don't see gift before my own eyes, I would have to blind... I ordered the Topa before I left. I got it on line without a prescription (did I metion I am in law, now I am a doctor too?). I started with 25mg at night. The first day I felt like a ZOMBIE and didn't think I could take it another day. I did....I took 25mg at bed for another week. Then the second week I got a pill cutter an cut 25mg in half and took 1/2 in the afternoon and still the 25mg at night. I noticed a huge difference in my driniking, although the side effects were staring me in the face too. Tired, soooo tired at work... Dopey, like one of , well, what do you call it (just kidding) and increasingly irritable and not being able to focus. In spite of it all, the third week, I started taking 1/2 of 25mg in the am, the second 1/2 of the 25mg at about 4pm and the 25mg at bed time. Talk about some wild dreams!!!!! The biggest problem I have is I am bitchy to my new husband. Reading more about the topa, is it washes away the excess dopamine that alcohol produces which makes us alcoholics want to drink ourselves into a tizzy.
Okay, now for the good news. I have not been drunk for 16 out of 17 days (one night in the beginning I caught a little buzz while being out with friends). I have not had a hangover in 17 days. I have not had to look at my cell phone in the morning to see who I may have drunk dialed the night before. I have remembered every televisions show I watched the night before. I have not woken up with the feeling of self loathing for being a drunken idiot. I haven woken up wishing I was somebody else...
What I have done is made a Doctors appointment for this upcoming Monday to confess all of my sins of my online self prescribing and maybe asking for an anti-depress to get some of the normal dopa back so maybe my new husband and me will continue to like me. I will bring Roberta's book to evidence that I'm not crazy and just decided to start taking some anti-seizure meds. Being in the legal community, AA just wasn't for me. I don't care what they say about it being anonyomous, it just does not stay that way.
So, it's a struggle, good vs. evil, topa vs. wine, me vs. myself. I have faith in me. I think I will win. PS...I did pour a glass of wine tonight a few hours ago, I left it somewhere in the house, don't remember where and it's not because I'm drunk, it's just because it didn't occur to me that I wanted it...I guess the topa is winning...:H
Started dating a guy who owned a bar. I worked there part-time and the drinks started to become more frequent. Then I started doing something at the age of 40 I had NEVER done. Started to drink AT HOME with him. The relationship continued and so did the drinking. We fed off of each other. No matter how drunk and embarassing my behavior was, there was never any reprecussions from him because he was as bad as me. Finally, I ended the relationship. I started dating someone else who started calling me out on my drinking. Although patient with me, he let me know it was clearly a problem. Now let me tell you, I have never drank ANY hard liquor (thank God, I would probably be dead), but I would have no "off switch" with wine. With beer, I would for the most part get full and stop.
This man I speak of and I got married five weeks ago. We spent 17 days in Athens, Santorini and Crete. I for the most part behaved myself and made a vow when I got home to make a change. I am 47 and he is 35, successful, good looking and kind. Now, if I don't see gift before my own eyes, I would have to blind... I ordered the Topa before I left. I got it on line without a prescription (did I metion I am in law, now I am a doctor too?). I started with 25mg at night. The first day I felt like a ZOMBIE and didn't think I could take it another day. I did....I took 25mg at bed for another week. Then the second week I got a pill cutter an cut 25mg in half and took 1/2 in the afternoon and still the 25mg at night. I noticed a huge difference in my driniking, although the side effects were staring me in the face too. Tired, soooo tired at work... Dopey, like one of , well, what do you call it (just kidding) and increasingly irritable and not being able to focus. In spite of it all, the third week, I started taking 1/2 of 25mg in the am, the second 1/2 of the 25mg at about 4pm and the 25mg at bed time. Talk about some wild dreams!!!!! The biggest problem I have is I am bitchy to my new husband. Reading more about the topa, is it washes away the excess dopamine that alcohol produces which makes us alcoholics want to drink ourselves into a tizzy.
Okay, now for the good news. I have not been drunk for 16 out of 17 days (one night in the beginning I caught a little buzz while being out with friends). I have not had a hangover in 17 days. I have not had to look at my cell phone in the morning to see who I may have drunk dialed the night before. I have remembered every televisions show I watched the night before. I have not woken up with the feeling of self loathing for being a drunken idiot. I haven woken up wishing I was somebody else...
What I have done is made a Doctors appointment for this upcoming Monday to confess all of my sins of my online self prescribing and maybe asking for an anti-depress to get some of the normal dopa back so maybe my new husband and me will continue to like me. I will bring Roberta's book to evidence that I'm not crazy and just decided to start taking some anti-seizure meds. Being in the legal community, AA just wasn't for me. I don't care what they say about it being anonyomous, it just does not stay that way.
So, it's a struggle, good vs. evil, topa vs. wine, me vs. myself. I have faith in me. I think I will win. PS...I did pour a glass of wine tonight a few hours ago, I left it somewhere in the house, don't remember where and it's not because I'm drunk, it's just because it didn't occur to me that I wanted it...I guess the topa is winning...:H
Still have to focus extra hard at work and check my briefs and motions twice. Topa is tough, I'm not going to lie, but if it was to easy it might not be worth it.... I'm in it to win it. I don't feel like it ever truly "got me" although I feel like it was always "chasing me". I believe I am and always will be a faster runner. :thanks:
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