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    #1

    Want to die

    Hey all, I am dying here... been coming around for months and can't seem to get it together long enough to string a few days of AF. This is the month that I had a third trimester abortion 16 years ago and every year at this time I fall apart. I always prided myself on being a good American and a good human being but I murdered a child ( a daugther that I always wanted whose name is Cheyenne) anyway every year at this time, I fall apart (oh hell who am I kidding, I am always falling apart)

    Just a note to anyone out there considering a third trimester abortion... DON'T DO IT! it will haunt you for the rest of your life and the Dr. will never tell you that. I die a daily death due to my stupidity. I went to Atlanta Georgia (US) some 16 years ago and I did not know then what I know now, but none the less it ruined my life. They actually induce labor and make you have the baby. It may live for 45 minutes to 3 hours before they put it in a trash bag and put it in a dumpster. Live with that okay. And I am supposed to get sober how? I did the most horrendus thing known to mankind and I live with it daily.

    I am sorry.... can't get a sober thought in my head because I am a murderer! Hell who am I kidding again: I ain't been sober since it happened 16 years ago!

    Lost and alone

    Going to be that way forever it seems!
    FROGZ~
    Tags: None
    #2
    Want to die

    Froggie

    I didn't see your post. Oh, honey, I don't know what to say. The baby's soul goes on forever...and is watching you right now from Heaven, and loving you.
    You need to find a way to forgive yourself.
    Isn't there something called...I forgot, does anyone here know - called like Rachel's something, that helps people who have gone thru what you have.

    Froggie - please forgive yourself. These are the agonizing choices women have to make and live with.
    You were where you were 16 years ago. You have had a hard life, and, well just stay here....and let yourself get better.

    Take care,

    Lila

    Comment

      #3
      Want to die

      Hey Frogz, I am not really sure what to say to you but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing with all my heart that I could help. The only thing I can say is that we do our best with what we have at the time. You need to forgive yourself. You need to talk to someone to help you through this.
      Please, please, please get some help with this. How you feel is unquestionably appauling but you must put an end to your suffering. There were obviously very good reasons for this happening and you didn't know everything at the time.
      My prayers are with you
      Take care sweetie
      Love Startingover x
      Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
      Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

      Comment

        #4
        Want to die

        stop beating yourself up and move on with life .. the time is here use it and learn from it .. we have all made misstakes in life.. but hey again learn from it use it to fight a good fight against al .. you have the power to do what ever you want now.. stop and think about it.. instead of drinking it away ..stay strong and think positive
        :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
        best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

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          #5
          Want to die

          Dearest Frog,As a 5th. generation Spiritualist and a life long medium,I can tell you that there is no death...the eternal soul choices to come here to Planet Earth to go to school.When a soul attach?s to a growing fetus it is just saying I want to go to school with you(the mother)The consciousness does not completely enter the body until varying times (Days...weeks) after birth.If there is an abortion or miscarriage then the soul simply returns home to await another body to attach to...No hard feelings,just a delay in the start of school,As a minister it is so heart breaking to me that other so called Ministers harm women with this unnecessary guilt.Please watch this U tube and I hope that I helped relieve some of your pain...PM me if you want... [ame=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=o6DpNImjvfk]YouTube - Abraham-Hicks on Great Teachers, Religions & Bibles[/ame]
          sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

          Comment

            #6
            Want to die

            Hello Frogster,

            Having to do what you did 16 years ago may at times seem just like yesterday.

            But at the same time it was 16 years ago and you were much younger and most likely faced a hard decision that was done for very real reasons and reasons that you shouldn't hold yourself accountable for today. I couldn't fathom the anguish of the loss of a child born or unborn and certainly can't relate to your pain.

            I can though relate to struggling with pain of past decisions and find it best to think and live in the here and now so I can make better decisions to lead and live a better life.

            I hope you find comfort and support to help you with these painful memories. We are here for you!! :l:l

            4tb
            Is Addiction Really a Disease?
            Watch this and find out....
            http://youtu.be/ekDFv7TTZ4I

            Comment

              #7
              Want to die

              Yours is one of the saddest posts I`ve ever read on here, frogzter. That decision has been allowed to ruin the past 16 yrs of your life........don`t let it hurt you anymore. You made what you felt was the best decision for all concerned at the time. Get the help you need to truly forgive yourself........counselling might be a good place to start.

              My best to you,

              Darling xx
              Formerly known as Starlight Impress.

              Comment

                #8
                Want to die

                I wish I knew the words to say to help take your pain away.
                I hope you will find someone to talk to.
                PLease take care of yourself.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Want to die

                  I'm so sorry you feel this way. I wish there was more I could do. I'll say a prayer.:h
                  _______________
                  NF since June 1, 2008
                  AF since September 28, 2008
                  DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                  _____________
                  :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                  5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                  _______________
                  The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Want to die

                    (((Frogzter))),

                    Please do go to some sort of counseling that can help you.

                    The pain and guilt you are feeling are agonizing. I sure wish I could just make it vanish for you.

                    You must find some comfort and love and a way to forgive yourself. You must.

                    I am sitting here praying for you right now. I got tears in my eyes from your post, I have two friends who did the same thing you did back in the 70s. Both of them suffered just like you.

                    You must find some comfort and love that erases that pain.

                    I suggest prayer AND counseling but if you are not religious, you can still talk to a good, caring counselor to help. Find one you like and can connect with.

                    Remember, Frogzter, YOUR life is precious, too. :l:l

                    Much love,
                    Cindi
                    AF April 9, 2016

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Want to die

                      Frogzter, I am sorry for the pain that you are feeling.

                      You can't forget the past and it is slowly killing you....

                      You can't get healthy without letting go of the past....

                      Do you see the conundrum? I'm guessing that you can't even imagine right now what it would take to let go of that pain, which is why the suggestions about seeing a therapist are right on the mark.

                      All of us have our demons to deal with in life, and it is how we do it that makes all the difference. The fact that you feel you took a life attests to pain your demon has put you in. I turned to a bottle to help drown out the pain of an abortion that was the product of an affair many years ago. It wasn't a 3rd trimester but was painful nontheless and contributed to the breakup of a marriage.

                      What did I do? I filed it away under a folder named 'AAthletes Pain' and kept right on drinking. Then some other calamity came up in my life, and I filed it too, and so on. It finally reached the point where I had to empty that folder out or it was going to cost me everything in my life, and most likely kill me in the process. I couldn't internalize the pain anymore.... I WAS DONE.....

                      I remember a line from The Shawshank Redemption. in which the lead character was discouraged from having any hope for a normal life - he said his only real choices are, "You get busy living; or you get busy dying."

                      So it's time to make a choice as to what you wanted to do. I found my way out by joining this website, but I also found help in the rooms of AA. It was there that I found out how to forgive myself, and to move on with life. I won't harp on that other than to say I would encourage you to give them a shot. I would also encourage you to log on here and post your thoughts and feelings with us. If you can express the pain, I bet that you can start letting go, and isn't that a good place to start?

                      So, are you ready to make a choice?
                      Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Want to die

                        Thanks so much for all the replies and love. I have indeed been to counseling... more than I can count on fingers and toes. I guess I have never let myself off the hook and the scabs are still fresh some 16 years later. Everytime I look at my 15 year old son, I remind myself that he has a sister that no longer lives or breathes by my hand. It really does suck!

                        Anyway, thanks for the support and love. I am going to see yet another counselor in hopes that freedom awaits.

                        Much love
                        FROGZ~

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Want to die

                          Why is this just coming up? Why did you not post this before?
                          :l
                          LTG AF January 13, 2011

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                            #14
                            Want to die

                            hi frog,it was the best thing to do at the time,easy for me to say i didnt do it,im here listening, i hope that helps gyco

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Want to die

                              Frogzter,

                              Good for you. Sometimes it takes a while to find a good counselor.

                              Once you do, stick with him/her a while and let things get sorted out for you.

                              Sending some more hugs. :l:l

                              Love,
                              Cindi
                              AF April 9, 2016

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