Startingover's story

[startingover]

I have been an active member of this site since I stumbled on it during a period of desperation in July. Over the weeks that I have been af I have thought a lot about why and how I got so low. I guess it goes right back to when I first tasted alcohol as a child of maybe 12. I remember my dad drinking alot and I remember feeling a warm glow when I did. I remember pinching drinks and dregs of glasses when I could and I remember buying bottles of martini to drink before going to youth club!!! Around that time, my dad lost control of his drinking and had some sort of nervous breakdown when his mother died. My mum and dad never had a happy marriage but they stayed together probably because of the kids. When his drinking got out of control the marriage fell apart even further. I started to go off the rails around then I think, the pain of watching my dad who i adored fall apart, lose control to the point of wetting the bed was unbearable. I was a daddy's girl but he was no longer my daddy. He even seemed to hate us. I think in reality he was ill but it seemed that he really hated us with the things he would do. He cut the brake pipes in my mums car so we would be going along and all of a sudden have no brakes. Did he want to kill us??? Then there was the emotional blackmail, the unpredictable behaviour including shoplifting and the fear of how he was going to be, what he was going to say and do on a daily basis. This went on for 2 years until an injuction meant that he had to leave. I never saw him again. I found out he died about 10 years later from someone who had read it in an obitury in a news paper. Around the time he left I got into drugs, it never occurred to me that I was trying to numb pain. I just thought I was doing the usual teenage stuff and was a bit rebelious. I was involved with all sorts of class A drugs for a number of years. I drank too but drugs particularly amphetamines were my favourites. They gave me confidence and helped me feel good when i suppose that I was really feeling alone and rejected. Mum was still there but struggling financially and emotionally I had to grow up very quickly and I didn't want to. After a few years I knew I had to stop taking drugs, hubby and I wanted to get married and buy a house and be grown up and self sufficient. There just wouldn't be the money for drugs all the time. How we did it, I don't know, we stayed in, saved and oh yes, we started drinking much heavier! Obviously still needed to get that buzz. I was dead chuffed because I was no longer doing illegal drugs, it never really occurred to me that I had swapped one addiction for another. So it was like that for the next 20 odd years. Periods of very heavy drinking and then getting some control for short periods. I remember swigging from a tin of beer first thing in the morning, finding out someone had put a cigarrette out in it, removing the butt and carrying on!! Revolting. I remember breaking the bed somehow and just lying in there cos I couldn't be bothered to get out (I had fallen through the middle). I remember self harming before I knew what that was or why I was doing it. God I have NEVER admitted these things before. And of course there is the myriad of things that I simply DON'T rememeber. Things I have said and done......god, the shame. All this time I have been successful in my work and outwardly successful in my life. Fantastic husband, beautiful dogs over the years and anything I wanted really. But deep down there is this unbearable sadness that i have been trying to bury that I probably had never dealt with. There was a lot of anger too - with both my parents. 2 years ago my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer, since then she has had lung cancer, adrenal and breast cancer. She has had so many operations, chemotherapy and been so very ill and there has been no let up. This is when my drinking got really out of control. For the last 2 years I have been drinking heavily more or less daily. At least a bottle of wine or more a day. Recently the morning drinking started too. I have always worried about my drinking, wondered why and how to deal with it. Always thought I had kept it fairly well hidden. The strain and heavy drinking brought on a terrible depression. I thought I was losing it and was struggling to function day by day. For the first time ever I sought help. Not for the drinking (never would admit that) but for depression (didn't want to admit that either). I think that has been the catalyst for me. I started anti depressants and counselling. After about 8 weeks on the tablets I couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling much better, that's when I discovered the link between drinking and depression and then I KNEW that I had to do something. I didn't think there was any help out there other than AA and no way was I going public. Then I found this place, the difference it has made to me has been nothing short of a miracle. I am SO VERY GRATEFUL. Through the counselling I am able to lay some of the demons from my childhood to rest and learn to deal with my emotions instead of burying them, through giving up alcohol I am learning to live a real life and regain some of lost confidence and self esteem that has been missing for so long. It isn't easy but it is worth it. The supplements and the support here are what keep me going along with the day to day positive changes in me. So after about 30 years of drinking and drugs I am 7 weeks clean today. I am proud of myself. If you have made it this far, sorry to ramble on and thanks for reading my story.

[kriger]

Startingover's story

WOW, Starting,
That was a heart-rendering story. You have been trough SO much, but have accomplished so much as well. Congrats on the 7 weeks sober; I can tell by how you speak that you are in a much better place today than you were 7 weeks ago. Keep up the good work...you are an inspiration to me!!!! kriger

[startingover]

Startingover's story

Now I am crying too! Thank you both !

[LookingToGrow]

Startingover's story

Startingover, we are in the same boat and here for you!!!!

[LookingToGrow]

Startingover's story

can you get to chat yet? I know you had some problems the other day...

[Cinders]

Startingover's story

Startingover,

What an amazing story and what an inspiration to so many here that are struggling.

People like you, who post the unvarnished truth and lay it out like it is, show others that they, too, can heal.

Seven weeks is a wonderful start!! I imagine your life is looking brighter already.

Thank you so much for posting with such honesty.

Much admiration,
Cindi

[CS04]

Startingover's story

Starting,
I read your story earlier this afternoon -- what pain and fear for so long. I'm glad you have started to grapple with the past, and with AL. 7 weeks is mighty impressive - I am not even close. But I have suffered from depression recently as well. It is hard but important to be able to share, whether in therapy or to friends and family.

BTW, I really appreciated the "Rain in My Heart" videos -- I have watched I think 5 of them so far. Very, very powerful. Thank you for posting it.

Take care of yourself -- sounds like you are doing just that.

[Zeppie2]

Startingover's story

Thanks for sharing your story starting, and congrats on 7 weeks

[New Day]

Startingover's story

Starting Over ---- You have shown great strength in getting through what you have. This is the first time I've come to the My Story section..... and I read your story right through. Congratulations on 7 weeks ... you really took hold of the situation and have turned yourself right around. An inspiration to all of us. :thanks:

[Guest]

Startingover's story

Fair play to you on the 7 weeks , if you can come through all of that in you life you can whip als ass for sure. Good luck to you my friend and we will all be here for you when you need us.

[wonderworld]

Startingover's story

Startingover - your name sure fits you!!! What an amazing story. I can relate to so much there. My Dad died in similar shape. It's a heartbreak like no other. And funny - I never thought about it, but you're right - at the time I started really going over the line as a teenager, I don't think I realized what I was doing at all. Just driven blindly to escape.

Anyway - what a long hard road. So happy you got here!

Congratulations on your new start!

Ww xox

[lucky 2.0]

Startingover's story

Sounds like you are most definately on the right path! I am so sorry for the suffering you have had but thrilled you are AF and proud of yourself. You should be!

Well done!

[brittzak]

Startingover's story

I am just reading this....I am crying. I am very inspired by your strength. You have been through so much.

[gyco]

Startingover's story

good THREAD starting over,you have touched my heart,its funny how we remember our parents,the good and the bad,i think youll find some great support here ,i was away this winter in treatment,it was not nice,but i did lern from it,our parents were tot by there for fathers,hmmmm.thet didnt no better,we just loved them for what they were ,tnx again gyco

[Doggygirl]

Startingover's story

Startingover, I am so happy for you that you have given yourself such a gift! You are a strong person, and you deserve the best that life has to offer, including the positive outlook that only sobriety can bring for people like us.

Congratulations on 7 sober weeks. Life is good!

DG