I was a very anxious child due to family circumstance. From a young age I remember suffering from insomnia. I would lay in bed and worry about what ifs until the wee hours of the morning. Once in second or third grade my mother forgot to come and pick me up from school. I sat on the steps and cried. I just knew that this was it, that I was going to be all alone, have no place to live, no one to love. In reality this was not true, I had a mother and wonderful step dad, with a huge extended family. However, I had been left once by my bio dad and was just waiting on it to happen again.
I had a really cool older cousin - remember those fringed moccosins that people wore in the 70's? She had a pair and I was memorized by them. Anyway, she used to let us kids ride around with her and her boyfriend. When I was about 11-years-old, she gave me my first alcohol, a beer. Oh, my God, the immediate relief. My anxiety melted away. I had found a new and very important friend.
My friend didn't take tight hold right away. I had the usual drunken school mishaps but I was in a very small community so I held on to myself pretty tight and let only a few in. My best friend and I started smoking marijuana. I really liked pot. She did other drugs as well, and I have on and off, but thankfully that monkey did not attach itself to my back.
After high school I had my freedom and my drinking and partying was taken to a new level. You guys remember the 80's? I moved to a large city and the bars swung their doors open at 5:00pm. Two for ones, three for ones, drinking/dancing. It was fun, fun, fun.
The 80's rolled into the 90's, I have had times I didn't drink, times I drank, times I smoked pot in liue of alcohol. And, oh, three years ago, I had the brightest idea. I would substitute shots of whiskey for marijuana so I could get the immediate relief that a beer could not give!
After 45 years, 36 of them abusing substances, my truth is this: The guilt and shame are a direct indicator that I could do much, much better. And, I simply do not want to die an alcoholic. How sad would that be? I want to be free. I want to forgive myself for all the drunken mistakes and bad decisions. I want to embrace my life and live the next 45 healthy, happy and with a clear head. However, the 11-year-old girl who found relief and companionship in that first beer is having a very difficult time letting go of her old friend. It is really that simple.
Wish me luck!
I had a really cool older cousin - remember those fringed moccosins that people wore in the 70's? She had a pair and I was memorized by them. Anyway, she used to let us kids ride around with her and her boyfriend. When I was about 11-years-old, she gave me my first alcohol, a beer. Oh, my God, the immediate relief. My anxiety melted away. I had found a new and very important friend.
My friend didn't take tight hold right away. I had the usual drunken school mishaps but I was in a very small community so I held on to myself pretty tight and let only a few in. My best friend and I started smoking marijuana. I really liked pot. She did other drugs as well, and I have on and off, but thankfully that monkey did not attach itself to my back.
After high school I had my freedom and my drinking and partying was taken to a new level. You guys remember the 80's? I moved to a large city and the bars swung their doors open at 5:00pm. Two for ones, three for ones, drinking/dancing. It was fun, fun, fun.
The 80's rolled into the 90's, I have had times I didn't drink, times I drank, times I smoked pot in liue of alcohol. And, oh, three years ago, I had the brightest idea. I would substitute shots of whiskey for marijuana so I could get the immediate relief that a beer could not give!
After 45 years, 36 of them abusing substances, my truth is this: The guilt and shame are a direct indicator that I could do much, much better. And, I simply do not want to die an alcoholic. How sad would that be? I want to be free. I want to forgive myself for all the drunken mistakes and bad decisions. I want to embrace my life and live the next 45 healthy, happy and with a clear head. However, the 11-year-old girl who found relief and companionship in that first beer is having a very difficult time letting go of her old friend. It is really that simple.
Wish me luck!
ray:
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