I just can't stop drinking

[mardan]

I sent a few posts on here a few months ago. I managed to stay off the alcohol during the week for a while and then everything slipped back. So here I am again stuck in this terrible drinking habit.

Every night come 8.00pm after my young kids go to bed with my partner, I lock myself in the bedroom and drink vodka until I pass out. I just can't stand the depression I feel all the time and nothing in my life is going right so I feel it's my only escape from it all.

My relationship with my partner is totally over but we keep pretending there's nothing wrong. He's constantly aggressive, shouting, swearing and upsetting the kids all the time. He never shows me that he cares about me, the only time he shows me any affection (if you could call it that) is when he's after sex. I've come to feel that I can't stand his company. We don't even talk much. He treats me like I'm totally useless. There's so many reasons why I should leave but I'm so afraid. Where would I go? Would my kids hate me for taking them away from him (despite everything they do love him very much)? Would my kids have to go to a different school when they"re happy where they are?

I just keep hiding all this beneath my alcohol. When I don't drink, I just can't sleep at all and lie in bed tossing and turning. I really wish I could find a strong sedative or sleeping tablet but that would involve going to the doctors and telling him everything. I'm scared that he would get social workers involved and my kids may be classed as in danger or even taken away. Although I drink, it's always when they're in bed and I know they're safe in my partners care.

I feel that I'm beyond help and I just don't know what to do

[Seacailin]

I just can't stop drinking

Hi Mardan
You are not alone!!! I too am struggling and feel like it's hopeless. You have alot on your plate. I do too. I always let the stress get to me, and I try to escape in the bottle. The problems don't go away, and often times, just get worse. I really wish that I could advise you on your relationship, but I am divorced and my children are in their 20's. You do not deserve any type of abuse though. Do you have the MWO book? I have read the book twice. I find the L-Glut to be very helpful(when I use it). Please stick around. The people here are very wise and supportive, and can help you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.:l

[Evie.Lou]

I just can't stop drinking

Mardan,you have come to a good place..We understand what you are feeling..There is a happy sober life waiting for you and the people here can help you find the way...STAY CLOSE AND KEEP POSTING..

[hippie37]

I just can't stop drinking

Marden, Don't ever think you're a bad mother just because you drink. I left my partner over 12 months ago now and it was the hardest thing I ever did because I loved my little girl too much. But being in the relationship meant I was not being a proper dad to her anyway. The relationship was dead in the water a year before I finally got sober and had the courage to walk away. Of course in your situation it's different as you will have the custody rights over your children I imagine. I coudln't ever imagine not seeing her every day at first but it got easier for me as time progressed. I also realised that what's important is that her daddy is happy too. She knows when I'm down and feeling sad and she only asked me the other day why I was sad. i was shocked to bits that she picked up on as I thought I was 'hiding' it so well from her. As I say I needed to make the changes to get MY life sorted first so in future years my daughter will understand why. I can't live my life through her either but I can be there for her as a sober dad when she needs me.

It's no hidden fact that I have been struggling lately myself but I know closing myself off and drinking is not the way forward. OK, yes I've been trying for a long time to understand my drinking and my ways and how to deal with feelings and emotions etc so I guess you would think I would of learned by now. It's a hard slog to get sober but you have to want it for you and YOU alone. It sounds harsh I know but I first thought I was getting sober for my daughters sake. You want to have to get sober for YOU first so you can be that person/mother you aspire to be.

As Evie said. Stay close and keep reading and posting. There is nothing that probably someone here hasn't done already so don't be ashamed of your actions either. No one here is judging.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[Chelle12]

I just can't stop drinking

Hi Marden, your vodka is your escape route from the pain you're in.
Im sure you know that, anyway.
Trouble is... it wont help... all it does is make you emotionally 'numb' for a few hours and then its ten times worse the next morning, becuase its a depressant.. and making you more depressed.
Im sure you know all this, but sometimes when it's typed out and STARING at you, then it sinks in just a little bit more.
BUT.. you are NOT alone.. there's a lot of people on here who've been AF for weeks/months/years.. and there's also people like me, who are struggling to be AF day-to-day..
PM me, if you fancy a chat.. Im usually here... (keeps me away from the off-licences...!)
Love,
C

[Schwertlilie]

I just can't stop drinking

I believe that when you break the circle, things start to come to you by themselves. there is a solution. it's not necessarily you having to leave. you could stay, with the kids, couldn't you?

[time2change]

I just can't stop drinking

Mardan
I haven't been doing much posting lately, but I can relate so much to what you are going through. It actually is a vicious cycle that has taken over your life. You drink because you are unhappy with your relationship and living arrangements and you can't move forward and make changes because you are drinking. The drinking helps you sleep and numb yourself from the pain that the relationship is causing you.
Take it from someone who has been in those exact shoes the drinking is not helping the situation. You have numbed yourself into thinking you do not deserve to be happy and you are sacrificing your life for your kids. The thing is you are not doing yourself, or your kids any favors by staying in this relationship. I'm not by any means suggesting that leaving/or staying and making it a postive relationship would be easy or something you could jump into. I only want to point out that while your kids are young it may not seem like it, but it is easier. The older they get the harder it is for them to accept that changes that leaving will bring. The longer they see you treated as "useless" the harder it will be for them to have happy loving relationships in the future.
But the truth is that as long you continue to numb yourself none of it will change. Trust me that when you are not numb things will not look very rosy either, but at least you will able to think with a clear head and start to take baby steps towards what you need to do. Just remember that you deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound to me like you are .Start working on helping yourself and the other things will eventually get worked on too. It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am and I have a long way to go, but I know that I must keep trying to improve my life in positive ways. Stick around. I think you will find a lot of us that can relate to your story and be willing to offer support.

[mellowred]

I just can't stop drinking

Hi Marden
I?ve spent the last while reading through your posts and have such great empathy for you and your situation.

Just to get it straight, I am here looking for help for my partner - so I would never make any comment on your drinking habits because, even though I believe I understand them (being a binger (ex???) and a nicotine addict), I personally have never experienced that deep and urgent craving for alcohol ? but ciggies!!!!!!! well that?s a whole other issue:schmokin:.

My two cents worth is more to do with your other half. Being the nosey one that I am I read back on your posts and see that he may not be perfect either (which is good because if he was I?d be there with a shotgun to pinch him off you ) BUT he does seem to have done a lot of caring. Perhaps your relationship is over, but is this the best time of your life to make a desision like that?

The reason for posting this is that I am ?the other half? in my situation and I deeply love my hubby but I can?t always be NICE to him. Sometimes I?m just damned belligerent and nasty and rude and totally disrespectful of him as a person. And this is not always when he has been drinking because I have learned that doesn?t help, and the verbal slanging matches are not worth the energy involved. The frustration of putting up with his drinking and him hiding his feelings and issues just drive me mad - and open up a whole side of me I wish did not exist.

What I?m trying to get across is that although you may believe that your relationship is over ? please talk to your other half ? he may be desperately wanting to help you and not know how or where to start. You have had so many things in your life ? does he know all these things?

When your partner is emotionally absent most of the time ? in your and my situations one is either drunk or nursing a hang over, and the other is either angry or wrapped up in our own self pity ? it is very difficult to keep a loving relationship going.

I would love to support my partner, and we do discuss his drinking, and he does try to cut back, but then he backs off into his bottle of brandy and I wash my hands of him and treat him with contempt. However this is NOT how I want to behave. This is not how he wants to behave. I?m sure he also thinks I don?t care anymore and that I don?t want to be with him ? if someone treated me the way I treat him sometimes I sure as hell would believe that. And he does not always want to be with me so he goes off to the pub - who can blame him no-one judges him there. And I'm glad he's gone becasue someone else can deal with him when he's drinking.

Friday night was a wake up call for me and I cried at what this beautiful, proud man had become ? staggering, bleeding, guilty eyes through the haze of alcohol, falling over and bumping his head, trying to thank me for helping him to bed but unable to speak coherently, clutching a take away he had bought for me hours earlier and somehow managed to keep intact through all the trauma. Then I realised that I have to help him to help himself ? I am the stronger one at the moment ? I have to accept that I live with two people ? I need to keep myself sane and do what I can to offer him all the support he needs. He needs to deal with the alcohol issue - he has to use his energy to fight the urges - he has to deal with his emotional issues or whatever it is that drives him to his best friend ? he needs to realise that his life is his responsibility. And I will be there for him ? he is, after all, my best friend. We both need help to do this but firstly we both need the will - I have the will, and believe he will have when he's recovered from the guilt trip which lasts two to three days.

Perhaps your other half is just like me sitting on the side lines as frustrated as hell and not knowing what to do ? please try and get through to him. He may just be waiting for you. Because you hide your habit from him (and you may be under an illusion there) he may not know how to broach the subject and only brings it up when he?s angry. You?ve managed sober weeks before ? manage two sober days ? send the kids out for as long as you can arrange ? and open up to him. You have nothing to lose ? he may not care anymore but my guess is he cares a hell of a lot more than you know.

Please take good care of yourself.

Mandy