I've been lurking here a few months and posted a story about my current drinking behaviour but never reflected on the past and what may have contributed to it.
I was a fab kid until 12. Had great potential, was pretty plain but very intelligent. Loved my own company. My parents took in foreign students for the summer to help with bills etc. It was my Mum's way to make an income as a housewife really. We had a girl a few years older than me stay and it was natural we'd share a room, twin beds. Well, she sexually assaulted me. It's a very tough case to consider etc. A very unusual case. I said nothing at home. Perhaps had it been a guy did it, would have been easier come forward. All I know is I was terrified and very confused.
My teens were a nightmare. Threats of suicide, total verbal hatred for my parents. I hate me now looking back and I would have wanted to kick my own ass. At 14 I came home from school, raided their drink cabinet and got very ill on a cocktail of sherry, whiskey, brandy etc.. all the hard stuff I never touch now. I was so ill. They were clueless and thought I'd been eating junk after school. This continued to drinking as a student etc. I always had to take it that bit further. But can remember being happy in college and just going out getting merry ( a nice memory)
My love life has been dreadful. I was engaged in my early to mid 20's but called the wedding off for good reason. It wouldn't have been a happy marriage. I then moved to a new city with a guy I thought I loved who lied to me about everything, his job etc. He was a total Walter Mitty and turned out to be a drug addict. Funny enough, my drinking wasn't so bad during any of that. I then picked up with a guy from my home town who worked abroad. We had a LDR. Funny enough, I don't think I ever felt very secure. That's when the drinking really started bad. Prior to that, I might chance a bottle of wine on a Thursday night knowing work would be slow on a Friday. But now it began more frequent. Chancing one on a Wednesday, why not a Tuesday too. That relationship broke up bad, he cheated and had been for quite a while. I took it bad and drank to reflect that.
Was just picking myself up when I met the last ex. He was from UK but working temporarily in Ireland. We hooked up. Unfortunately he loved to drink too and we became drinking buddies. When he moved back there I continued with the bottles of wine. Then after 2 years he asked me to move there. I did. I thought it was going to be happy ever after. I gave it everything. I gave it ?15k of my savings.. practically all my savings. I saw massive holes. I was paying for everything. ?2k for a holiday to Italy. Never got a penny back. I furnished his house, paid rent, paid for the groceries every week. He told me he was in major debt. Then he arrived back from a meeting in London one night stinking of Vanilla scent. Majorly stinking.
I questioned and got little by little. I'm an intelligent woman, I insisted on getting to the bottom and eventually it unfolded. He'd spent ?2,000 in a strip club in London that day. And had gotten a strippers phone number and texted her asking to meet again. 5 months into me having moved over there.
I packed my car with what I could. I got the Ferry home a few days later. I got a new job and a small flat. Unfortunately, there were redundancies in the new job and last in first out. I couldn't afford to keep the flat so moved into shared accomodation. I'm out of work now 3 months. Before I left for UK I had a very good job, very good pay.
This is why I'm drinking. I find all the above too much to get my head around to feel anyway normal.
I was a fab kid until 12. Had great potential, was pretty plain but very intelligent. Loved my own company. My parents took in foreign students for the summer to help with bills etc. It was my Mum's way to make an income as a housewife really. We had a girl a few years older than me stay and it was natural we'd share a room, twin beds. Well, she sexually assaulted me. It's a very tough case to consider etc. A very unusual case. I said nothing at home. Perhaps had it been a guy did it, would have been easier come forward. All I know is I was terrified and very confused.
My teens were a nightmare. Threats of suicide, total verbal hatred for my parents. I hate me now looking back and I would have wanted to kick my own ass. At 14 I came home from school, raided their drink cabinet and got very ill on a cocktail of sherry, whiskey, brandy etc.. all the hard stuff I never touch now. I was so ill. They were clueless and thought I'd been eating junk after school. This continued to drinking as a student etc. I always had to take it that bit further. But can remember being happy in college and just going out getting merry ( a nice memory)
My love life has been dreadful. I was engaged in my early to mid 20's but called the wedding off for good reason. It wouldn't have been a happy marriage. I then moved to a new city with a guy I thought I loved who lied to me about everything, his job etc. He was a total Walter Mitty and turned out to be a drug addict. Funny enough, my drinking wasn't so bad during any of that. I then picked up with a guy from my home town who worked abroad. We had a LDR. Funny enough, I don't think I ever felt very secure. That's when the drinking really started bad. Prior to that, I might chance a bottle of wine on a Thursday night knowing work would be slow on a Friday. But now it began more frequent. Chancing one on a Wednesday, why not a Tuesday too. That relationship broke up bad, he cheated and had been for quite a while. I took it bad and drank to reflect that.
Was just picking myself up when I met the last ex. He was from UK but working temporarily in Ireland. We hooked up. Unfortunately he loved to drink too and we became drinking buddies. When he moved back there I continued with the bottles of wine. Then after 2 years he asked me to move there. I did. I thought it was going to be happy ever after. I gave it everything. I gave it ?15k of my savings.. practically all my savings. I saw massive holes. I was paying for everything. ?2k for a holiday to Italy. Never got a penny back. I furnished his house, paid rent, paid for the groceries every week. He told me he was in major debt. Then he arrived back from a meeting in London one night stinking of Vanilla scent. Majorly stinking.
I questioned and got little by little. I'm an intelligent woman, I insisted on getting to the bottom and eventually it unfolded. He'd spent ?2,000 in a strip club in London that day. And had gotten a strippers phone number and texted her asking to meet again. 5 months into me having moved over there.
I packed my car with what I could. I got the Ferry home a few days later. I got a new job and a small flat. Unfortunately, there were redundancies in the new job and last in first out. I couldn't afford to keep the flat so moved into shared accomodation. I'm out of work now 3 months. Before I left for UK I had a very good job, very good pay.
This is why I'm drinking. I find all the above too much to get my head around to feel anyway normal.
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