maddiva

[maddiva]

Just to say hello. Today I am feeling very ill, ashamed and embarrassed. I have promised myself I will not drink alcohol again. I cannot believe how drink becomes such an integral part of my own self destruction.

But today five weeks on I feel a little better and this website has helped as I do not have to sit in a 'meeting' with my local community who have family in my area who are sober!! I too am sober, but rely on this website to get me out of the pit of despair. you know what I mean.

Thanks are sent to all who helped me go this far.

[Heavenly]

maddiva

Its good you have started to do something about your drinking ... Make the most of the counselling .... Good luck

[A Work in Progress]

maddiva

Maddiva, welcome, and I am glad you found this site. Your story is heartbreaking, and it is clear you are in a lot of trouble with alcohol... but I believe you can find a way out. I suggest you read the MWO book, start a new thread in the "Just Starting Out" section, and do a lot of reading, and asking questions, here on site. There are a lot of options you can consider... one of them, given the severity of your drinking, might be antabuse. Have you tried that?

wip

[Zeppie2]

maddiva

Welcome Maddiva - I am sure you will make some great friends here

[Evie.Lou]

maddiva

Dear Maddiva,You are not alone anymore...You can get sober and rebuild your life.Many here have

lived the Hell that you are living and are now happy and sober...It is far from easy but it is DO

ABLE...Start with a soberity plan .The MWO book will help you there.Gather the tools that you will need

and then start using them to walk yourself out of this mess.There is great strenght in numbers and
here we are a large number of peole with a common goal..We can Beat the Beast together.

[shirazgirl]

maddiva

Hi,

We all have been where you are. I remember the days where I would wake up swearing to never drink again, only to find myself at the package store later that day. You can be done feeling that way. Hopefully, there are some support groups where you live so you can find sober friends. They will all understand what you have been through. Hope you keep checking in...

[maddiva]

maddiva

Oh thank you all so much. I had checked the web site and thought [I] had no replies, then today I read all your kind words. Well, I did really well, but then relapsed. I went and got a bottle of vodka and drank it. As I have not drank since I wrote that thread I thought I was miraculously cured!! Well the vodka made me sick violently. So I was glad and am back on track again. I am beginning to see triggers which is something I have not really looked at too deeply. Life to me is a trigger. Rang my counsellor and am seeing her on wednesday. I was waking up and having to deal with life sober and for the past ten years or so, I have not really been sober!!! So there is a lot of catching up to do. So I am thankful of my relapse and realized I had to more careful with myself. Antabuse was mentioned by wip. I have begged my doctor for the antabuse but he is not prepared to give it to me as it can be very dangerous. I tend to take thiamine and b vitamins when I am being ultra healthy and whilst I know that medicine can be a saviour, I actually think it has to be mind over matter, for me at least. I took depression pills they made me more depressed!! So I am trying to get my mind healthy which is a very difficult task, but thank you for suggesting antabuse. I have to get deep into my soul and sort my shit out!! so to speak. I really really appreciate all your words. Also, the fact that I drank yesterday and created a mass destruction in my life, I am not going to beat myself up, I did it, I learnt and I do not feel better for it. So back on track. Take care to all

[tlrgs]

maddiva

thats right dont beat yourself up for something yo did yesterday live for today and move on make the best of it and do your best to stay on track..stay strong and think positive

[DeeBee]

maddiva

Welcome Maddiva!

Life has certainly thrown you some curve balls, i am so sorry for the heartache you have had.
Good on you for coming back, It sounds like you have a plan, a goal and are motivated to beat the beast.

Sending you a helping hand!:l

[maddiva]

maddiva

ramblings of a madwoman

I think life is good. I always feel very honoured to have had this 'unconventional' start to life which society condemned. I think most of society is pretty messed up and most insincere. I think that me drinking alcohol was a sort of test. You see my family is drowned in the stuff and I used to think, 'you selfish b........, why don't you just stop?' Indeed at one point, mind you I was smoking a joint at the time, had a one band army against pissheads. Then I spent years putting my sister to bed and making sure she was safe. Going round and helping her after she had gone totally barmy, and I mean totally barmy!!! and sitting there as a younger sibling saying 'Oh, why don't you just have the one or two?' Then it happened. I used the liquor to help me sleep when events just went mad. And wham bam thank you mam. I became as they had. Easily. Less not ye judge!!!! I became this pisshead, drunk, abusive, vile woman spitting venom and indeed at times urinating myself and just not caring for life. To put one foot infront of the other and to stand and walk with my head held high seemed like such a mountain. I remember one day, shortly after my sister's murder (and they did butcher her!!) then the press condemned her. Total wankers, if I am allowed to say. My drinking was causing me many problems but I could not quite see the problems. I had to take my kids to school and I was in such a silent state of terror that I felt the enormity of life was about to engulf me and eat me up. I felt I was going to collapse. Not withdrawal, anxiety. So after managing to get my kids to school and scramble through my door I got drunk. Yes it helped and then it continued. It is bloody evil stuff. But I have not drank since my last vodka bout. I have a problem with people talking to me as if I am a victim and drink makes me become a victim and I have this wonderful, nosey neighbour who sits at her window waiting for the next event on our street and then when it happens she is there (and god love her for that) but then she goes into saviour mode. I know she means well, and I do care about her but it does my head in. So I am staying sober and today she is the main reason (not really I am) but she gives me good reason because human nature seems to me to be quite complex in the sense that no one wants to see you succumb to alcohol and die, but when you do they love it cos it gives them something else to discuss. I told you so!!! Well that inspires me. I will conquer this compulsion to be off my face. One day I may try to help others when I have figured this demon out myself. I think there is an important lesson for me as I found it hard to forgive my pisshead relatives, indeed I resented my sister and now I have grown to see it can happen at anytime, to anyone.

So I am still sober. And I am loving it. I went to my counselling and it has taken me many years to find one who is worth it. Actually, it was the courts who found her as it was a court order to sort my drinking out. I was scoffing at first, but you know what the legal system has helped me. If I had not have attended I would have been locked up. So it was with reluctance and it has helped me. I am about to have the anticraving tablets to counteract that feeling on a sunday morning of 'yes i think i will have one drink.' I am going to art classes. I think I am a frustrated, creative soul. I am attending group sessions and I have dismissed those so called friends who have not really understood. May sound selfish, but I have one or two friends and of course my kids and lots of animals, but people can piss me off with toxic negativity, so I must choose carefully.

Did see a really sad thing on Thursday. I was about to meet my son at the tube station and was going up the stairs. This young man came down the stairs and I looked at his face, he looked like he had severe down syndrome. His face was puffed and round and his eyes where just slits. Then I realised when he sidled past me he was secreting odours of alcohol. He was very ill and I would say not long for this world. Oh my god. When I was heavy drinking my face swelled and my body ballooned. It is steadily returning to normal. Alcohol is a powerful opponent. I actually hope that man's life turns around for the better.

Anyway have done waffling, but it helps me stay sober. Thankyou to all who have replied to me, I do take all on board and have recommended your website to the agency who is helping me to help myself. I hope you all have a good sober and fun day of life today.

[Guest]

maddiva

Maddiva , thats a heart breaking story and I wish you all the best.
Come on the af army thread and make some new friends, its a great place to keep you motivated to keep sober and curb your cravings..one day at a time.

[DeeBee]

maddiva

Maddiva,

I can't comprehend what life has thrown at you, I have led such a sheltered life compared to you, but I do believe we are only issued what we can handle.

Great idea Limers, the Army thread was my savour..... post daily and get the support that you need and deserve.

[FindInverseGetIdentity]

maddiva

Maddiva -

A hug to you. Thanks for posting, and all the best to you on your journey. You sound strong and committed - keep it up and seek support here when you need it.

Good luck and God Bless.

Figi

[maddiva]

maddiva

what is the army thread?

limers;444746 wrote: Maddiva , thats a heart breaking story and I wish you all the best.
Come on the af army thread and make some new friends, its a great place to keep you motivated to keep sober and curb your cravings..one day at a time.

Finding this computer lark a little bit perplexing!! Not sure where I am sending messages what is the army thread???

[GoodAsGold]

maddiva

Hey maddiva, hope you're doing ok>. You'll find the AF Army (alcohol free army) in the 'general discussion' section. They start a new thread daily. Hope that helps!
Gold