I drink, here's my story.

[Montana Mommy]

Hey everyone. I am 30, almost 31. When I was 17 I started drinking and never drank normally for the beginning. I drank a lot, but always went to work. (I had my own apt. and job after getting my GED at 16.) I drank a lot until I was 18(about 1 year) and found speed. Drinking went away during this time. I went to 3 rehabs and finally got sober(from speed) at 24 from everything. I went from 24 till 29 without doing anything. When I was 29 I got pregnant and was so happy. I already had 2 young children, and was so excited about this. We had everything for her. At 25 weeks, I went to get 3-D ultrasound pics for the baby book, and was sent to the hospital. She was dead. I had to give birth to her, and I was so devastated. Her name was Jessica Lynn. These things don't happen, just on TV right? That's how I felt. They don't happen to me. I started drinking after that. I drink beer. Usually 10-12 beers every other night right now. It was every night for the first 6 months, and honestly it helped me grieve. After 6 months, it wasn't about the grieving anymore. I have a 6yo and a 4yo. It's not about me. I don't want them to think back and me drinking a lot being a big part of their lives. I ordered antabuse, and know it will work for me. I'm so excited for it to come. Drinking has only been a big part of my life for about 2-3 years, but right now are the most important to me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. My life is pretty good. But I can do better, and I will.
Thankx for letting me share.
MM

[vera-b]

I drink, here's my story.

Hi Montana,

Your story has an incredibly sad element - the loss of your Jessica Lynn. I'm not sure many of us could see the beauty in life after experiencing something as devastating as that. Drinking for most of us is a learned behavior - we just kept doing it (for whatever reason) and our bodies and heads learned to depend on it. The good news is that you're tackling your demons while your children are still young. That is probably the most loving gift you can possibly give yourself and your children, not to mention Jessica Lynn's memory. Keep at it Miss Montana. You and your children so deserve it.

Vera-b

[time2change]

I drink, here's my story.

Very well said Vera-B.
I am very sorry for your loss of Jessica Lynn, but I agree that by getting sober and staying sober you are giving your children a wonderful gift. They will be able to look back on their life and appreciate that their Mom was there for them when they needed you. Antabuse really helped me in the beginning. It really takes away the choice and therefore, I did not have the constant argument with myself as to whether or not to drink.

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

Thanks so much for your feedback. I can't wait till the antabuse gets here. I've been trying for about a year to stop drinking. I've cut down a lot, but I want to be AF. Time2change, that's exactly why I want antabuse. I wont drink if I cant. I had a hysterectomy almost 2 months ago and didn't drink for 2 weeks just because they said I couldn't. I just can't control myself in the grey areas.
That's again for your caring words. I hope to be helpful to everyone here finally. I found a friend here who's awesome. I am so grateful to have this site.
MM

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

Thank you for using her name, it means soooo much to hear it again.
MM

[Pyes]

I drink, here's my story.

Hi MM I to know the pain of losing a child I've lost 2. My first son was 5 months old he died of cot death and my first born daughter was stillborn. I understand your pain there is nothing worse than going through labour knowing that you cant keep them or take them home. The drinking to grieve to numb to just not feel I understand that to, stay strong and we are all here for you.
Pyes

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

Thank you Pyes,
You must have gone through so much. I was so happy to have a hysterectomy. I couldn't have gone through that again. How are you doing? I know its hard. I just know its not fair to my family to keep grieving when it's bearable now. That's just me. I really can't imagine your pain. What are you going through.
MM
PS: Can't wait for the antabuse. I know it's gonna work.

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

Time to change,
I just looked back at your story. You are so open. It's nice to get a relation of a person. How are things now?
MM

[Pyes]

I drink, here's my story.

I had a massive binge over the weekend which I'm not proud of. Been AF for 1 1/2 days now and I'm just going to do it otherwise I know it is going to cost me my family. It hurts everything hurts but rather than lay down and do the woe for me I'm taking this bastard head on and I'm gonna beat it. I know as so do you nothing hurts more than losing your heart and that what our kids are they are our hearts.
Pyes :l

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

Pyes,
Maybe we should go on an antabuse pact. I know the pain of losing children. Because I was on drugs 10 years ago, my daughter was taken at birth. She was adopted by my mom who's on MAJOR narcotics. Me losing Jessica is nothing like the pain of seeing the mom who let me go through so much raise my first born. We have to take our lives back!!! I'm not being dramatic, I'm just saying, I've seen my life take a change just from stopping what I was doing, be-it drugs or alcohol. I hope I don't offend you, I just know that once I stop drinking things will get so much better.
MM

[Pyes]

I drink, here's my story.

No offence taken at all. I'm going to see the doc on Wednesday am absolutly shitting my self I live in a small town and everybody knows everybody, if you know what I mean. I've hidden this thing for so long that I'm worried he wont even believe me. I love my hubby to bits but until last week he was just so arrogant saying just stop just dont drink WTF is with that, he's gotten a bit better but he still doesnt understand the full impact this thing has on me. I feel so alone and lost. I think we should definatly support each other we have a common bond, we can do this we just have to stay strong.
Pyes

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

You understand me!!!!!
My doctor plays the piano at the church. I understand small town. I haven't been to church in a while. (I'm embarrased.) I'm not doing this for anyone but me, but I have so many people to convince that...1 I have a problem, and 2 I need support. I really can't wait for the antabuse to get here. My only option after this is rehab.(Not to save my life, but to save how I want my life to go). Trust me, I'll do that if that's what it takes. But I don't think it's gonna go that far. Right now I'm nipping it in the bud. I'm going to bed right now. Thankx for talking to me Pyes. I'm gonna look for you tommorro. Keep up the struggle, it's worth it.
MM

[IAD]

I drink, here's my story.

MM, I know it's tough for both losing Jessica and the A & D Abuse. I have 3 kids, my wife had a miscarriage that almost kill here. ( We never named that child.....we made it a rule to name them when they were born.....superstitous I quess. ) You have to carry on...thier are your other kids to think of. I know I went through a long drought with depression, my grandfather and father died at that time also. I was just the oppiste I never mourned and kept everything inside. We all have our reasons for being here, just be glad you are here....lots of support here. Welcome. IAD

[Evie.Lou]

I drink, here's my story.

Dear Montana,you are a very strong lady and should be proud of yourself.Alcoholism is a very hard disease to get a grip on.it has so many social stigmas and even more so for woman.You have your priorities right.your kids need a healthy Momma and you deserve a happy life.I have all the faith that you will stay on the road to recovery..Be kind to yourself and try not to define WHO you are with your disease.You are a spark of the Devine and have unlimited potential.Stay focused on what you want to create in your life and you can reach all your goals..Blessings to you and your family.

[Montana Mommy]

I drink, here's my story.

Hey All,
Just an update. I was 3 weeks AF, and am drinking tonight. My life is going so good, thank you my heavely Father. Since I quit drinking things HAVE got a lot better. But there is something still nagging at my soul. Im drinking tonight, but I'll start drinking more if I dont get to the root of this problem. I KNOW WHAT THIS PROBLEM IT IS, but its so hard. I have new friends at the church I just started. Im gonna talk to my new friend and start working with this. I just want to cry.(Another word for God is Mother in the lips of Children.) Please pray for me guys.
MM