I would like to start my story by telling you that I am a primary care physician. A doctor of family medicine. A lot of what I have experienced has been very much affected by that. I am a young one too, whereby young means in my early thirties.
A lot of what I have read of your stories I recognize as having experienced myself.
I was born into a family of, to be direct, alcohol abusers and addicts. Alcohol was an ever present companion, and then dictator at every family event or celebration, and every single dinner I can remember. I do not remember ever having seen my parents or my aunts, uncles and other relatives drink a non-alcoholic beverage after tea and coffee were done with at breakfast or at work. I remember as a child marveling that adults simply do not drink fizzy drinks or water or anything else but alcohol. I shocked myself recently by realizing that reality as I knew it was: adults only drink alcohol, tea and coffee. That was just the way it was.
I believe both as a person who has a problem with alcohol, and also as a practitioner, that the world which our parents create for us in infancy creates in us lasting ?truths? about how we believe the world functions. It has been proven that children will grow to mimic the attitudes to alcohol they silently witness in their parents.
I saw my mother drinking cordial only this year as she was thirsty from working, and I was struck dumb, when I realized I still, as an adult and a doctor held a firm and unshakable belief that my parents only drink tea or alcohol. The foundations for that childlike belief were so concrete, they existed in me still.
For myself, I had always been allowed to drink alcohol as a teenager by my parents, and had been drunk at some high school parties. Looking back on that time, I can reflect that it was a sign of ?coolness? for a parent to supply young teenagers with alcohol for their parties. It was certainly cool to be the kid of the ?cool folks?. We were allowed to experiment. Which means we were allowed to try out binge drinking.
Having said that, those times were infrequent and my dedication to learning and achievement was much greater than any call to drink.
I would like to add at this point however, that a perfectionist or highly achieving personality is actually recognized as a significant risk factor for not only substance abuse as an adult, but anxiety and depression also. Sigh.
Following high school I lived independently of my parents, more or less on the poverty line, and worked hard to get through medical school. I had seen in my parents, that the first thing to do, when stressed or hurt or upset or angry or any high emotional state, was to ?have a drink?, and so I did. I started to use alcohol in that manner to curtail my own very painful emotions at that time. A beloved relative was almost lost through excessive drinking around that time, and that had a good effect on me- to curb my own behavior a bit, and try not to get to stuck in to heavy drinking.
However, it was not really my own reflections or good sense that really kept things at bay during medical school, if I were to be brutally truthful. It was the dedication to study, and the prodigious effort it took (I matriculated with first class honours, I remain proud to say) to do medicine that kept me too occupied to really drink to excess. And very importantly: I could not fund an alcohol problem, I had next to no money.
My internship was probably the worst year of my entire life. All the terrible things you think interns go through, they do. I started to earn, and so I started to drink that year far too much. I was also socializing in a set who, by their own excesses, ?normalized? my dangerous drinking. Having a partner in crime is a very dangerous state of affairs. Having a whole group of them even more so. You are never without a drinking companion. We drank to ridiculous levels that year. I was still quite young, and my body did not punish me for it in the usual ways, more?s the pity. I was limited of insight, and turning two very blind (pardon the pun) eyes to the situation. And besides, it seemed to be helping me ?cope? with the internship. I deserved to ?let my hair down?. I was living it up after 6 years of sacrifice. Oh brother, I could write a book of excuses.
But there was a significant underlying problem which emerged in great, unprecedented force, and which was driving the drinking on the nights off. I had developed the full blown anxiety disorder I was probably always destined to develop, I was a raving insomniac (due to the stress and fear and anxiety of taking on the responsibility of being a doctor) and I developed depression.
I also received no support whatsoever. I had no caring helping hand reach out to me, for various sad reasons. I was in deep trouble, but as help never came, I did what most ambitious, disciplined and determined people like me would do: I just got on with it and kept going.
I kept working, and the following year I did actually drink significantly less.
I entered a specialist training program for Family Medicine a few years later, and the pure drive to do well in that and pass the exams kept me on a less over-the-top path, but I still studied every night after work to the tune of at least two scotches and coke. I still lived it up at the weekend. Sometimes a lot sometimes more moderately, but still, more than what is OK or safe to do.
I still battle anxiety and depression. But I work very effectively and am very dedicated to my job, and take it very seriously. I have called in sick on a few occasions in my life due to excessive drinking.
I achieved a very high result in my specialist exams. I now have more support and family love than I had in the past.
Clearly, you would be asking at this stag if I sought help?
Yes, as a matter of fact I did. And the response I received from members of my own profession when I finally after all that time, took my heart in my throat and asked for help- that I was suffering very significant anxiety, depression and insomnia, which I was medicating with alcohol was ? it was one of the lowest moments of my entire life.
The first doctor I consulted looked at me and said: ?Yeah so your depressed, your anxious, what medication do you want? You can choose. Why did you come here you could have just taken some samples from the cupboard and given them a try?. She then went on to list all her own troubles. She didn?t even ask me what symptoms I had. She didn?t ask me a single thing.
And I did choose my own drug. God knows what she would have done to me had I not already known what medication would be a suitable choice.
I cried and cried and cried. I had finally taken the plunge, I had been so brave. It was a train wreck. So I referred myself to a psychologist.
After a while I did try out 2 other doctors. Their evident, blatant discomfort at having to acknowledge that ?one of their own? was in need of help seemed just too much. I was humiliated. I have since given the whole idea away, I manage things myself, and just attend random doctors when I need repeat scripts.
The ?stiff upper lip? attitude of doctors to their own, and the crazy notion that we don?t get sick, or if we do, for God?s sake keep quiet, for me has been a very bitter pill to swallow, particularly as I help those in need all day, all my life, and cannot get the same help and kindness when finally I put up my hand and ask for it.
I have read the literature on Topamax and hypnotherapy, and yes, it works. Evidence says it really does have a beneficial role to play. No-one seems to want to talk to me long enough to prescribe it. (Can there be doctors that truly awful out there? Seems so..)
My current situation is this: I don?t actually drink every day. I drink maybe 3-4 days a week, sometimes less, actually. Many times I will have no more than 3 glasses of wine. But. But sometimes, when the built up emotion decides to come out, I will have nights whereby if I have one drink, I will not stop until the bottle of wine is empty. And that bothers me. Sometimes I can drink a bottle and a half. And my body, my poor psyche, my self esteem absolutely detest it.
I would like to abstain for a time. And then I would like to drink in very humble quantities and never ever experience ?drunk? again. When I am drunk, and I am emotional, I am a belligerent, over the top, attention needing, forceful, think-without-speaking, prone to crying, too loud, boor. It is so different to the sober me, who?s really OK, in many ways.
Before closing, my final comment would be this:
I have read that so many of you all have loving family, partners, children to be your companions and allies and to help keep you from being lonely.
I live alone, have done for a long time. I do have a very supportive mother and best friend, but I am otherwise doing this on my own. I do honestly believe that aside from the great tension of my work, being truly alone, being truly lonely, is a great risk to a person trying to beat the demon drink.
And yet, I do believe I will get there.
A lot of what I have read of your stories I recognize as having experienced myself.
I was born into a family of, to be direct, alcohol abusers and addicts. Alcohol was an ever present companion, and then dictator at every family event or celebration, and every single dinner I can remember. I do not remember ever having seen my parents or my aunts, uncles and other relatives drink a non-alcoholic beverage after tea and coffee were done with at breakfast or at work. I remember as a child marveling that adults simply do not drink fizzy drinks or water or anything else but alcohol. I shocked myself recently by realizing that reality as I knew it was: adults only drink alcohol, tea and coffee. That was just the way it was.
I believe both as a person who has a problem with alcohol, and also as a practitioner, that the world which our parents create for us in infancy creates in us lasting ?truths? about how we believe the world functions. It has been proven that children will grow to mimic the attitudes to alcohol they silently witness in their parents.
I saw my mother drinking cordial only this year as she was thirsty from working, and I was struck dumb, when I realized I still, as an adult and a doctor held a firm and unshakable belief that my parents only drink tea or alcohol. The foundations for that childlike belief were so concrete, they existed in me still.
For myself, I had always been allowed to drink alcohol as a teenager by my parents, and had been drunk at some high school parties. Looking back on that time, I can reflect that it was a sign of ?coolness? for a parent to supply young teenagers with alcohol for their parties. It was certainly cool to be the kid of the ?cool folks?. We were allowed to experiment. Which means we were allowed to try out binge drinking.
Having said that, those times were infrequent and my dedication to learning and achievement was much greater than any call to drink.
I would like to add at this point however, that a perfectionist or highly achieving personality is actually recognized as a significant risk factor for not only substance abuse as an adult, but anxiety and depression also. Sigh.
Following high school I lived independently of my parents, more or less on the poverty line, and worked hard to get through medical school. I had seen in my parents, that the first thing to do, when stressed or hurt or upset or angry or any high emotional state, was to ?have a drink?, and so I did. I started to use alcohol in that manner to curtail my own very painful emotions at that time. A beloved relative was almost lost through excessive drinking around that time, and that had a good effect on me- to curb my own behavior a bit, and try not to get to stuck in to heavy drinking.
However, it was not really my own reflections or good sense that really kept things at bay during medical school, if I were to be brutally truthful. It was the dedication to study, and the prodigious effort it took (I matriculated with first class honours, I remain proud to say) to do medicine that kept me too occupied to really drink to excess. And very importantly: I could not fund an alcohol problem, I had next to no money.
My internship was probably the worst year of my entire life. All the terrible things you think interns go through, they do. I started to earn, and so I started to drink that year far too much. I was also socializing in a set who, by their own excesses, ?normalized? my dangerous drinking. Having a partner in crime is a very dangerous state of affairs. Having a whole group of them even more so. You are never without a drinking companion. We drank to ridiculous levels that year. I was still quite young, and my body did not punish me for it in the usual ways, more?s the pity. I was limited of insight, and turning two very blind (pardon the pun) eyes to the situation. And besides, it seemed to be helping me ?cope? with the internship. I deserved to ?let my hair down?. I was living it up after 6 years of sacrifice. Oh brother, I could write a book of excuses.
But there was a significant underlying problem which emerged in great, unprecedented force, and which was driving the drinking on the nights off. I had developed the full blown anxiety disorder I was probably always destined to develop, I was a raving insomniac (due to the stress and fear and anxiety of taking on the responsibility of being a doctor) and I developed depression.
I also received no support whatsoever. I had no caring helping hand reach out to me, for various sad reasons. I was in deep trouble, but as help never came, I did what most ambitious, disciplined and determined people like me would do: I just got on with it and kept going.
I kept working, and the following year I did actually drink significantly less.
I entered a specialist training program for Family Medicine a few years later, and the pure drive to do well in that and pass the exams kept me on a less over-the-top path, but I still studied every night after work to the tune of at least two scotches and coke. I still lived it up at the weekend. Sometimes a lot sometimes more moderately, but still, more than what is OK or safe to do.
I still battle anxiety and depression. But I work very effectively and am very dedicated to my job, and take it very seriously. I have called in sick on a few occasions in my life due to excessive drinking.
I achieved a very high result in my specialist exams. I now have more support and family love than I had in the past.
Clearly, you would be asking at this stag if I sought help?
Yes, as a matter of fact I did. And the response I received from members of my own profession when I finally after all that time, took my heart in my throat and asked for help- that I was suffering very significant anxiety, depression and insomnia, which I was medicating with alcohol was ? it was one of the lowest moments of my entire life.
The first doctor I consulted looked at me and said: ?Yeah so your depressed, your anxious, what medication do you want? You can choose. Why did you come here you could have just taken some samples from the cupboard and given them a try?. She then went on to list all her own troubles. She didn?t even ask me what symptoms I had. She didn?t ask me a single thing.
And I did choose my own drug. God knows what she would have done to me had I not already known what medication would be a suitable choice.
I cried and cried and cried. I had finally taken the plunge, I had been so brave. It was a train wreck. So I referred myself to a psychologist.
After a while I did try out 2 other doctors. Their evident, blatant discomfort at having to acknowledge that ?one of their own? was in need of help seemed just too much. I was humiliated. I have since given the whole idea away, I manage things myself, and just attend random doctors when I need repeat scripts.
The ?stiff upper lip? attitude of doctors to their own, and the crazy notion that we don?t get sick, or if we do, for God?s sake keep quiet, for me has been a very bitter pill to swallow, particularly as I help those in need all day, all my life, and cannot get the same help and kindness when finally I put up my hand and ask for it.
I have read the literature on Topamax and hypnotherapy, and yes, it works. Evidence says it really does have a beneficial role to play. No-one seems to want to talk to me long enough to prescribe it. (Can there be doctors that truly awful out there? Seems so..)
My current situation is this: I don?t actually drink every day. I drink maybe 3-4 days a week, sometimes less, actually. Many times I will have no more than 3 glasses of wine. But. But sometimes, when the built up emotion decides to come out, I will have nights whereby if I have one drink, I will not stop until the bottle of wine is empty. And that bothers me. Sometimes I can drink a bottle and a half. And my body, my poor psyche, my self esteem absolutely detest it.
I would like to abstain for a time. And then I would like to drink in very humble quantities and never ever experience ?drunk? again. When I am drunk, and I am emotional, I am a belligerent, over the top, attention needing, forceful, think-without-speaking, prone to crying, too loud, boor. It is so different to the sober me, who?s really OK, in many ways.
Before closing, my final comment would be this:
I have read that so many of you all have loving family, partners, children to be your companions and allies and to help keep you from being lonely.
I live alone, have done for a long time. I do have a very supportive mother and best friend, but I am otherwise doing this on my own. I do honestly believe that aside from the great tension of my work, being truly alone, being truly lonely, is a great risk to a person trying to beat the demon drink.
And yet, I do believe I will get there.
)
ray:
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