I have never felt more like a loser in my entire life. I have failed on so many levels and for the most part I think alcohol is to blame. I am in a serious depression right now and wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel, but I just can?t.
I am in a miserable marriage. I should never have gone through with it. But at the time I was a single mom, and everyone I knew was already married. I rarely ever got a decent date before I met my husband, so when I found someone I felt so compatible with I was thrilled, and a bit blinded I guess. I don?t think I ever really loved him. Shortly after marrying, we got pregnant and I got to see a side of him I really didn?t like. He was controlling and to make a long story short, I have known for the last 7 or 8 years I couldn?t spend the rest of my life with him. I am still with him to keep the family together. I also have an intense desire to be on my own, to design my own house, buy my own car, live where I want and even make my own mistakes.
I am a binge drinker; I can go for several days to several weeks and not have any alcohol. But when I do, I make a complete ass of myself. Once in a while I have an off switch, but as time goes on I am finding it doesn?t work so well. Last Thursday and Saturday nights were absolutely horrific and I drank until passing out. I knew before those nights that I was going to start up the Antabuse again this week, so my funny little brain is thinking ?OK, have a last Hurrah!!? And boy did I ever!
So my anxiety levels after the weekend were sky high. And I don?t think there is anything more that I dread than my husband bringing up my problem and trying to ?help? me. His idea of trying to help is to let me know what I did and how I acted when drunk to make me feel like shit so I stop. He will only bring up these topics at bedtime, in the dark, and I would honestly rather get a root canal or two than have to talk to someone who has NO CLUE what I am going through. If I loved him, and if I wanted to remain married to him, it would be one thing. But I don?t, therefore I don?t want to talk anymore. I have made some goals for myself that I need to accomplish before I move out. But I am not there and I don?t want to end up living out of my car if he kicks me out sooner .
So you all want to hear what really crazy thing I did? I was so obsessed with trying to avoid another ?talk? with him, I wrote a note?to no one in particular. It said that ?My husband and I will never have a talk about my drinking problem again. He knows I am remorseful and will work it out on my own.? It was just a few sentences, but it made me feel better. Instead of throwing it away, I put it between the mattress and box springs since he brings up this subject at bedtime. I did this because I wanted to test out the Law of Attraction like you hear about on Oprah. Okay so maybe I don't understand it, but it made me feel better because I couldn?t bear to hear about what a butt I was over the weekend. Well----it didn?t work, he still brought it up, made me feel shitty and blah, blah blah. That was Mon or Tues. In the meantime, the note is still there. Well guess what? HE FOUND IT! Yesterday, the jerk comes home from lunch ( I work too, so I wasn?t home) and he decides that I must be not only be drinking AL when I get drunk, but taking pills (BTW I don?t and never have). SO----he decides to search the house and the rest is my miserable history. So last night we get in bed and he tells me he wants to talk about my drinking problem AGAIN. And drills me as to why I don?t like to talk about it and wonders why I am so secretive and so on and so on. THEN He said ?well we are going to set a time tomorrow and talk about this some more?. WTF!!!! WHY!!?!?!? He was like your attitude is horrible. I so bad wanted to say Leave me the F--- alone!!!!
I am so sick and depressed this morning, I couldn?t barely function before coming into work. I look like shit because I have been crying. The only good thing I can say is THANK GOD for Antabuse. I can?t drink and my plan is to take the stuff through the end of the year, probably longer. I am also reading Alan Carr?s book, and after the first of the year, I will look for a FT job with benefits, so I can get professional help.
By the way, at this moment I am tapering off Effexor (terrible stuff to go off of!!) and I lost my Mom in June and my MIL last month, both from cancer. I can?t take much more.
I don?t want anyone to feel sorry for me, just any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for putting up with my long post!:thanks:
I am in a miserable marriage. I should never have gone through with it. But at the time I was a single mom, and everyone I knew was already married. I rarely ever got a decent date before I met my husband, so when I found someone I felt so compatible with I was thrilled, and a bit blinded I guess. I don?t think I ever really loved him. Shortly after marrying, we got pregnant and I got to see a side of him I really didn?t like. He was controlling and to make a long story short, I have known for the last 7 or 8 years I couldn?t spend the rest of my life with him. I am still with him to keep the family together. I also have an intense desire to be on my own, to design my own house, buy my own car, live where I want and even make my own mistakes.
I am a binge drinker; I can go for several days to several weeks and not have any alcohol. But when I do, I make a complete ass of myself. Once in a while I have an off switch, but as time goes on I am finding it doesn?t work so well. Last Thursday and Saturday nights were absolutely horrific and I drank until passing out. I knew before those nights that I was going to start up the Antabuse again this week, so my funny little brain is thinking ?OK, have a last Hurrah!!? And boy did I ever!
So my anxiety levels after the weekend were sky high. And I don?t think there is anything more that I dread than my husband bringing up my problem and trying to ?help? me. His idea of trying to help is to let me know what I did and how I acted when drunk to make me feel like shit so I stop. He will only bring up these topics at bedtime, in the dark, and I would honestly rather get a root canal or two than have to talk to someone who has NO CLUE what I am going through. If I loved him, and if I wanted to remain married to him, it would be one thing. But I don?t, therefore I don?t want to talk anymore. I have made some goals for myself that I need to accomplish before I move out. But I am not there and I don?t want to end up living out of my car if he kicks me out sooner .
So you all want to hear what really crazy thing I did? I was so obsessed with trying to avoid another ?talk? with him, I wrote a note?to no one in particular. It said that ?My husband and I will never have a talk about my drinking problem again. He knows I am remorseful and will work it out on my own.? It was just a few sentences, but it made me feel better. Instead of throwing it away, I put it between the mattress and box springs since he brings up this subject at bedtime. I did this because I wanted to test out the Law of Attraction like you hear about on Oprah. Okay so maybe I don't understand it, but it made me feel better because I couldn?t bear to hear about what a butt I was over the weekend. Well----it didn?t work, he still brought it up, made me feel shitty and blah, blah blah. That was Mon or Tues. In the meantime, the note is still there. Well guess what? HE FOUND IT! Yesterday, the jerk comes home from lunch ( I work too, so I wasn?t home) and he decides that I must be not only be drinking AL when I get drunk, but taking pills (BTW I don?t and never have). SO----he decides to search the house and the rest is my miserable history. So last night we get in bed and he tells me he wants to talk about my drinking problem AGAIN. And drills me as to why I don?t like to talk about it and wonders why I am so secretive and so on and so on. THEN He said ?well we are going to set a time tomorrow and talk about this some more?. WTF!!!! WHY!!?!?!? He was like your attitude is horrible. I so bad wanted to say Leave me the F--- alone!!!!
I am so sick and depressed this morning, I couldn?t barely function before coming into work. I look like shit because I have been crying. The only good thing I can say is THANK GOD for Antabuse. I can?t drink and my plan is to take the stuff through the end of the year, probably longer. I am also reading Alan Carr?s book, and after the first of the year, I will look for a FT job with benefits, so I can get professional help.
By the way, at this moment I am tapering off Effexor (terrible stuff to go off of!!) and I lost my Mom in June and my MIL last month, both from cancer. I can?t take much more.
I don?t want anyone to feel sorry for me, just any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for putting up with my long post!:thanks:
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