I'm going through what feels very strange and unfamiliar to me. It started, I think, mainly because my best friend's mother, who is nearly 80 years old, has been struggling a lot with alcohol lately - drinking way too much, blacking out, calling people drunk, doing dangerous things - and so she's been on my mind a lot. She recently went into a 28 day rehab program and I am very hopeful that everything will work out well for her.
Well, since I've been thinking a lot about her, I picked up a book I came across at our church bazaar last weekend called "Drinking: A love story". I found some parallels with her story in the book, but also with my own. I am a functional alcoholic and have been drinking since before I got out of high school, and essentially daily (except during my two pregnancies) for about 20 years. Of late (the past few years) I drink at least 3-4 glasses of wine a night during the week, and more on weekends. Sometimes more during the week, a bottle gone is not that unusual. Anyway, one night last week I had more than usual to drink and was quite hungover the next day. I was supposed to work from home that day and didn't get much work done at all. I lay in bed, and finished the book. Afterword, I guess something clicked. I decided I wasn't going to drink that day. Normally I will drink when I'm hungover because it makes me feel better. Anyway, I decided, I'm not going to drink today; I don't know about tomorrow and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow (the whole one day at a time thing). I'm just not going to drink today. And the next day I said the same thing to myself. And I didn't drink. Next day, same thing. It's been 5 days and not a drink. Today, I went to our local rennaisance festival which is usually a major beer-drinking occasion for me, and I didn't even feel like drinking! I was very surprised myself.
I'm not really sure what's going to happen here, but I really want to try to moderate my drinking, though for now, I guess I'm thinking abstaining is the best thing. I worry that if I have a glass of wine, or a beer, or whatever, that I'll just go overboard and get back into the same routine - about 4 drinks a day and more a couple times a week. I have felt guilty about being tired at work and not as productive as I should be, I've felt guilty about feeling sick on some weekends and not being able to do fun things with the kids. I've known I have a drinking problem, but since life has been pretty fine, I've just never done anything about it. I think I'm ready. It will be interesting to see what happens. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family and I do worry about my own children. Some of my family members (cousins, uncles, etc. - no immediate family members) have had pretty serious problems. I worry a lot that my kids might develop a serious problem (they're very young now but I just worry about when they are older). I think I'd like to set a better example for them, I just hope too much damage hasn't already happened. They're probably quite used to seeing me pour a (several) glass of wine on a daily basis.
I think I'll check out the moderation board and see if that might be something I can actually do. I'm kind of surprised at myself since this is just so all of a sudden and something I hadn't really planned but so far I'm glad and I know that it is the right thing for me. My husband and friends are so surprised they don't know what's going on! my friend said to me today "you haven't found sobriety, have you?" and I just said "I don't know..." - I told her, quite honestly, I just didn't feel like drinking. Didn't give her the whole story, of course.
Anyway, I've been reading around and thought I'd post...I started twice and the window just disappeared and I never saw the message come up so I hope this one does get through! And I hope the other two don't show up all of a sudden or I'll sound like a raving drunk who's forgotten what she just did :-)
Well, since I've been thinking a lot about her, I picked up a book I came across at our church bazaar last weekend called "Drinking: A love story". I found some parallels with her story in the book, but also with my own. I am a functional alcoholic and have been drinking since before I got out of high school, and essentially daily (except during my two pregnancies) for about 20 years. Of late (the past few years) I drink at least 3-4 glasses of wine a night during the week, and more on weekends. Sometimes more during the week, a bottle gone is not that unusual. Anyway, one night last week I had more than usual to drink and was quite hungover the next day. I was supposed to work from home that day and didn't get much work done at all. I lay in bed, and finished the book. Afterword, I guess something clicked. I decided I wasn't going to drink that day. Normally I will drink when I'm hungover because it makes me feel better. Anyway, I decided, I'm not going to drink today; I don't know about tomorrow and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow (the whole one day at a time thing). I'm just not going to drink today. And the next day I said the same thing to myself. And I didn't drink. Next day, same thing. It's been 5 days and not a drink. Today, I went to our local rennaisance festival which is usually a major beer-drinking occasion for me, and I didn't even feel like drinking! I was very surprised myself.
I'm not really sure what's going to happen here, but I really want to try to moderate my drinking, though for now, I guess I'm thinking abstaining is the best thing. I worry that if I have a glass of wine, or a beer, or whatever, that I'll just go overboard and get back into the same routine - about 4 drinks a day and more a couple times a week. I have felt guilty about being tired at work and not as productive as I should be, I've felt guilty about feeling sick on some weekends and not being able to do fun things with the kids. I've known I have a drinking problem, but since life has been pretty fine, I've just never done anything about it. I think I'm ready. It will be interesting to see what happens. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family and I do worry about my own children. Some of my family members (cousins, uncles, etc. - no immediate family members) have had pretty serious problems. I worry a lot that my kids might develop a serious problem (they're very young now but I just worry about when they are older). I think I'd like to set a better example for them, I just hope too much damage hasn't already happened. They're probably quite used to seeing me pour a (several) glass of wine on a daily basis.
I think I'll check out the moderation board and see if that might be something I can actually do. I'm kind of surprised at myself since this is just so all of a sudden and something I hadn't really planned but so far I'm glad and I know that it is the right thing for me. My husband and friends are so surprised they don't know what's going on! my friend said to me today "you haven't found sobriety, have you?" and I just said "I don't know..." - I told her, quite honestly, I just didn't feel like drinking. Didn't give her the whole story, of course.
Anyway, I've been reading around and thought I'd post...I started twice and the window just disappeared and I never saw the message come up so I hope this one does get through! And I hope the other two don't show up all of a sudden or I'll sound like a raving drunk who's forgotten what she just did :-)
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