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    #1

    My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

    My wife's drinking was finally off the chart about a month ago. The last day I saw her the liquor store didn't open until 9:00 a.m. and it was 8:00 a.m. so she went to the grocery store and bought cooking sherry and was drunk by 10:00 a.m. Her behavior has become pretty bizarre over the last year which was our first year of marriage. She hides liqour even when I never said she couldn't drink. She lies about it too. I'm still finding vodka bottles, wine bottles, beer cans, etc. She became occasionally abusive towards me and our relationship has suffered from it. She waslways blacked out at night time so the next day she would be upset that I wasn't being affectionate but basically I was still angry and traumatized from whatever she did or said to me the night before. Anyway, her parents sent her to a 30 day program and I hate to say it but I don't think it's going to take.

    I'm also a heavy drinker, always have been since college but I'm a more functioning alcoholic and still get a lot of pleasure out of it. Basically, I'm a happy drunk and people are drawn to me. I am very physically active and happy with my life but I want to slow way down and I just can't. I drink every day and have had drug problems in the past but currently only drink. Lately, being by myself because she's in treatment I find myself sitting alone or surfing the net or painting and doing shots of tequila until I pass out. I realize this isn't normal and I want to slow down so I asked my doctor about Campral. he said he can prescribe it so I researched it and found this site. This program seems too good to be true but while reading more something did start to click and i believe the combination of supps, hypnotherapy, and meds would probably work very well for me. I'm going to buy the book tomorrow. Oh and I've also been diagnosed bipolar II but don't currently take any medication.

    I want to moderate my drinking for my health and our marriage but I'm afraid the message that it's even possible to do that might be bad for my wife simply because her personality changes so drastically when she drinks. Does anyone have anything to offer on this subject? It's probably not fair to judge her but my first year of marriage has just been a nightmare. She's lost jobs, physically hurt me a couple times, called the cops on me for no reason other than she was mad or jealous, called me names that I'm pretty sure most men never have to hear from their wife...all while blacked out and I guess I hope that she never drinks again and obviously that's the message she's getting in treatment. Again, does anyone have anything to say about her getting the wrong message from this program? Am I not being fair? I guess I'm afraid that she'll think "cool, I can still get drunk occasionally" and then on those days, I'll have to put up with more tomfoolery and abuse from her. She gets home next weekend so I have one week to figure out what to do and hopefully get myself on some meds and try out this program. Oh and I do still love her and want to be with her. SHe's a great chick when she's sober.
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    #2
    My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

    Hi b-dog and welcome.

    You don`t have to "put up with" anything, but you`re a fool to tolerate physical abuse from your wife. Anyone who becomes violent in drink cannot ever drink........simple truth. But your wife can right all this nonsense as long as she steers clear of drink.

    Now you must ask yourself just how much you love her..........enough to quit with her ???, `cos that`s what it`s going to take if your marriage is to have any chance of survival. You state that you`re an alcoholic, albeit not a violent one, but your continuing to drink around her will literally be the death of her.........she will never be able to quit, nomatter how many rehabs she goes through if she has to return to living with you, the functioning alcoholic.

    So, I think you do indeed have a very serious choice to make.........your "refreshment" or.........your marriage. You may be able to moderate your own drinking eventually, when your wife has taken back control of her life. That will be some way off in the distant future for her, so........I don`t think moderation is in the best interests of either of you at this time.

    I also think you should treat your bipolar to allow you to better deal with your current crisis.

    I hope and pray you can work this out and become well TOGETHER. :l

    Star x
    Formerly known as Starlight Impress.

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      #3
      My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

      Hi there b-dog
      Glad you found us. i would try to keep it simple. Deal with your own issues & support your wife as much as you can in dealing with hers. But you have to put yourself first - you can only support her if you are strong yourself. Do everything you can for you & hopefully she will follow. Keep close, we're here for you whatever happens. Keep walking in the right direction!
      Gold
      :sun:

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        #4
        My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

        B-Dog -

        THe program IS great. The supps helped me. In late August/ early September, I had my first 3 weeks alcohol free ("AF" is the lingo on this site) after getting all of the supps....I hadn't been AF more than a day in YEARS. Yes, it can work.

        Like you are thinking, drinking in moderation ("modding") is harder than you can believe. Old habits die hard.

        I am an alcoholic, and my husband is too (both "functioning"), and the ONLY times we have been able to cut back/stop is when we do it together. Hubby tried MWO starting about 3 weeks after me, and he is down from close to a bottle of Scotch a night to about a 1/3 of a bottle of vodka a night. I know, not exactly cold turkey, but better.

        This is hard. But if you are committed, you can do it. But you can't do it well alone - either you both are in, or you both will likely fail at your goal.

        Sorry to be a downer/realist?

        Good luck and God Bless.

        Figi

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          #5
          My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

          I think I may have given the wrong impression. I'm completely ready to try and be AF for my wife for as long as I need to but I'm not sure I can without help. I appreciate the honesty and I plan to try and stop drinking. My resolve is good but it's just become such a part of my whole lifestyle that I feel helpless. I have 4 friends that have been to rehab...one of them 5 times and of those friends only one stayed sober. I believe that will power is part of it but if I had the will power to just stop I would have done it already. I get cravings every day and I usually succumb around dinner time. I think that I would one day like to drink good beer or have wine with dinner but that's not more important to me than doing things like staying with my beautiful wife and one day starting a family. My grandfather is 96 years old and he believes that it's because he doesn't drink alcohol. I believe that I won't see 60 the way I'm drinking. I'm 40 now. My tolerance is pretty high right now and obviously it has to be hard on my body. I'm not sure I'm a fool for putting up with what I have as I've endured much worse than my tiny wife slamming a door on my foot or hitting me with a ski pole but Iunderstand your sentiment and I do appreciate all the words of encouragement. Hopefully, I seize this opportunity while I'm motivated or I do believe that a year from now I'll be a single bar owner drinking himself to death.

          Comment

            #6
            My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

            I understand you better now, b-dog, that you`re more than willing to quit drinking as you love your wife dearly. I also understand that you doubt you`ll be able to quit without help. None of us who have quit found it in the least easy to do so........we were all filled with trepidation and seriously doubted that we could become sober. But many of us have quit, each of us having employed whichever tools of this programme we felt appropriate for ourselves........you just have to find which of those tools will work for you.....trial and error.

            Quitting drinking is likely to be the most trying thing you`ll ever have to ask of yourself, but it is also most rewarding. Here sits one who thought she could never quit, but I did quit in August of last year........testimony to the fact that you and your wife can do it too, if prepared to give it your all.

            Love and strength to you both.

            Star x
            Formerly known as Starlight Impress.

            Comment

              #7
              My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

              well...

              thanks a lot for your kind words

              Comment

                #8
                My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

                b-dog,
                How sad and difficult a situation. But the upside is that you and your wife can relate to one another's addiction. I've seen here so many lament that their partners could never grasp the magnitude of alcoholism, could not understand why the other couldn't just 'quit' to save the relationship. You get the perspective that not drinking is not a personal matter, that it's not so simple as 'if you loved me you'd quit."

                I am in no position to give relationship advice... but my gut would advise, simply, that you and your wife need to cope with and work to heal your individual addictions. That is, she should quit for her sake, and you should quit for yours. If the primary goal is to save the relationship your efforts may fail. This may mean having to pull back from the relationship somewhat -- so you do YOUR work for YOU (same for your wife).

                She may be scared shitless about returning to you, if she is leaving rehab with the intent to remain sober. She also is likely to already know at this point that is has to be all about her. What can you do to facilitate your own healing, outside of your marriage? Can you two have a very in depth heart to heart talk, so you can be clear on the necessity of taking separate (because the breaking of an addiction is a very solo act) paths - but knowing that they can be parallel? My experience has taught me that if your efforts at sobriety are tied into your partner's efforts at sobriety, that it makes it too easy for either and for both to falter.

                I wish you well, b-dog.
                FINALLY -- I'm a non-drinker!!

                Comment

                  #9
                  My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

                  Anyway, her parents sent her to a 30 day program and I hate to say it but I don't think it's going to take.

                  B-dog - for your sake, and hers, i hope it does take...and as for the bi-polar, i agree, you should look into treatment....my daughter was diagnosed as bi-polar, didn't want to continue on the meds, but then decided to go back to the dr. to start again, it makes a huge difference.

                  Best of luck to you both

                  Comment

                    #10
                    My wife is in treatment and I need help too.

                    B-dog,

                    You have already been given great advice, I just wanted to say welcome and I hope you and your wife find a way to work together in beating the beast.

                    This is a great forum, with loads of support and understanding - stick around!
                    "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"

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