It's about time I told some of my back story to explain who I am and where I am today.
I was born in 1951, while my Daddy was away serving 3 tours in Korea. Momma and I lived in a big old house in the country with my Grandmother, Chit, and several Aunts and cousins. Believe it or not, even tho Daddy was home in time to father a sister for me by the time I was 3 1/2 to the day, I remember a lot about the time at Chit's house. Those, and later vacation time spent with her, which was every minute I could, were some of the best memories of my childhood. Daddy came home with a lot of mental baggage and nothing else. We lived in a rental house for a few years, then Daddy built our first house, which still stands. He later bought the house across the road, which I remember as my childhood home. We lived there until I was 8, when it burned to the ground and we lost everything again, and had to start renting again. In the meantime, every male cousin, or relative I had for that matter, started suggesting I play 'Doctor' with them, and I quickly learned that was the term for "Run Like Hell"!
Daddy had started a restaraunt, a bar, really. He was a big, strong, charismatic man, a real man's man, hard drinker, gambler, ladies' man, and momma was left at home to try to keep things together. Over the years, he got worse, and he and I never were able to
develop a relationship. We had never bonded, and since Momma was only 17 when I was born and her family had really raised me, I felt I had to take care of her. When her brother-in-law began making advances toward me in my early teens, I told her,and she told me to hush, and never tell my Daddy. We never spoke of it again. I was an adult before I realized he wouldn't have been mad at me, she just didn't want the scandal when Daddy killed him.
I learned to take care of myself, to rely on myself, to keep others away. I looked after my Momma, sister, and brother. Daddy continued in a downward spiral, all the time creating the a company and the reputation as the strongest, hardest working, hardest playing man in the area. I was in the top of my class, cheerleader, class leader, every club, every office, every volunteer. Even in High School, however, I was let down by the men in authority in my life. Two of my teachers, both young, one very attactive and single, let me they were interested in me, but were rightfully afraid of my father. I just laughed it off, embarrassed, and avoided them from then on.
I had met a painfully thin but popular boy with big ears and a Beatle haircut in my typing class (I know, I'm really dating myself) and we started double datiing with friends. Immediately, teachers started telling me I could do better (especially the two I mentioned above!) and telling me I needed to look further. I don't know what my life would have been like if I had. Could it have been better? Maybe. Could it have been worse? Definitely!! I have a very comfortable life, every material thing I could want. So why do I drink?
I left High School and went to college on a scholarship. Future Hubs was so smitten, he wrote everyday. I have to admit, I was out in the world, with very mixed feelings. I loved the almost independence, but I was homesick. FH was constantly calling me, writing, coming to see me, wanting me to come home. I hitched a ride 150miles once with my guitar on my back to the little town near my home where my Uncle was Sheriff, and called my Daddy to come get me. I got chewed out by my Uncle for hitching, and stony silence from Daddy on the way home after he and Uncle had a talk.
Fast forward, I came home to commute to a local college when a professor started getting too interested in me, got engaged, got married, got preg, dropped out of college.
I had never had a drop of alcohol when my son was born. Later on, through our young married life and another child, we partied, and it seemed like when we went out and I drank there was was alway a man who tried to take advantage. I have taken great comfort and refuge in my husband over the years for protecting me, because he knows of my past scars, and fears, and he has always been watchful, but still we drank, more and more.
At around 40, I was becoming more and more depressed. Money was tight. Our children were growing up and needing more and more from us. My husband worked when he was not asleep. Some women turn to affairs. I turned to alcohol. I began to drink alone, anywhere, anytime. When my family began to comment, I began to hide it and drink more.
In Nov, 1985, my Daddy had a life changing illness. He was expected to die. Instead, he quit all his bad habits, cold turkey, and became a man among men, the man he always could have been. For his body, however, it was too late. For 15 years, we fought the fight with him, and it took it's toll on all of us. I drank more, even as my son and daughter graduated from High School, married, my daughter graduate from college, enrolled in graudate school, married, my son divorced, I drank more.
On February 22, 2000, I got word my Father was probably going to only live a few more weeks. I was working a demanding job at that time but was off that day. I had developed but had not been diagnosed with MS. It was late afternoon, and I had been drinking, but I got in my car because I couldn't stand to be in my skin. I got stopped, and I was arrested for DUI. The next year was the hardest, most humiliating of my life. Daddy died on May3 of that year. My nephew was sent to prison. I had to do court probation and community service. My mother got sick. I was sick. My husband didn't know what to do. My son and daughter didn't want to be around me, I ended up in ICU, broke several bones, was diagnosed with a bone disease, had pneumonia, a very close friend committed suicide, I finished my probation, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my Aunt, my Uncle, and my Cousin died, I could barely drag myself to work, my husband worked every minute, no one knew (or even believed!) what was wrong with me, and I drank.
My Mother died on December 29, 2001. I had to quit work wo months later. Then I drank all day. I had pneumonia several times again, broke ribs just from coughing, drank, went to rehab and tried AA. I did pretty well for a while, but AA, or the groups I tried, didn't suit me, and soon I quit.
These are just some highs and lows. I've left out a LOT. But we don't have time for a novel here!
My husband has given me several ultimatums. He's still here. I have finally been brave enough to find good, caring doctors and be honest with them, and tho I don't like the diagnoses I'm continuing to get, I know what's wrong, and what I can do to help myself, and what my limitations are. I have been sober and AF LONGER here, and feel better, and stronger, HERE, than anywhere I have ever been. This is the only place I have ever felt accepted, warts and all. After this oracle, I hope I still am. I thank you, RJ, and I thank you, MWO friends, those I know & love and those I've never met but whose presence I feel. It's misfits like me, who have always put bandaids on our wounds, that have found a home.
I was born in 1951, while my Daddy was away serving 3 tours in Korea. Momma and I lived in a big old house in the country with my Grandmother, Chit, and several Aunts and cousins. Believe it or not, even tho Daddy was home in time to father a sister for me by the time I was 3 1/2 to the day, I remember a lot about the time at Chit's house. Those, and later vacation time spent with her, which was every minute I could, were some of the best memories of my childhood. Daddy came home with a lot of mental baggage and nothing else. We lived in a rental house for a few years, then Daddy built our first house, which still stands. He later bought the house across the road, which I remember as my childhood home. We lived there until I was 8, when it burned to the ground and we lost everything again, and had to start renting again. In the meantime, every male cousin, or relative I had for that matter, started suggesting I play 'Doctor' with them, and I quickly learned that was the term for "Run Like Hell"!
Daddy had started a restaraunt, a bar, really. He was a big, strong, charismatic man, a real man's man, hard drinker, gambler, ladies' man, and momma was left at home to try to keep things together. Over the years, he got worse, and he and I never were able to
develop a relationship. We had never bonded, and since Momma was only 17 when I was born and her family had really raised me, I felt I had to take care of her. When her brother-in-law began making advances toward me in my early teens, I told her,and she told me to hush, and never tell my Daddy. We never spoke of it again. I was an adult before I realized he wouldn't have been mad at me, she just didn't want the scandal when Daddy killed him.
I learned to take care of myself, to rely on myself, to keep others away. I looked after my Momma, sister, and brother. Daddy continued in a downward spiral, all the time creating the a company and the reputation as the strongest, hardest working, hardest playing man in the area. I was in the top of my class, cheerleader, class leader, every club, every office, every volunteer. Even in High School, however, I was let down by the men in authority in my life. Two of my teachers, both young, one very attactive and single, let me they were interested in me, but were rightfully afraid of my father. I just laughed it off, embarrassed, and avoided them from then on.
I had met a painfully thin but popular boy with big ears and a Beatle haircut in my typing class (I know, I'm really dating myself) and we started double datiing with friends. Immediately, teachers started telling me I could do better (especially the two I mentioned above!) and telling me I needed to look further. I don't know what my life would have been like if I had. Could it have been better? Maybe. Could it have been worse? Definitely!! I have a very comfortable life, every material thing I could want. So why do I drink?
I left High School and went to college on a scholarship. Future Hubs was so smitten, he wrote everyday. I have to admit, I was out in the world, with very mixed feelings. I loved the almost independence, but I was homesick. FH was constantly calling me, writing, coming to see me, wanting me to come home. I hitched a ride 150miles once with my guitar on my back to the little town near my home where my Uncle was Sheriff, and called my Daddy to come get me. I got chewed out by my Uncle for hitching, and stony silence from Daddy on the way home after he and Uncle had a talk.
Fast forward, I came home to commute to a local college when a professor started getting too interested in me, got engaged, got married, got preg, dropped out of college.
I had never had a drop of alcohol when my son was born. Later on, through our young married life and another child, we partied, and it seemed like when we went out and I drank there was was alway a man who tried to take advantage. I have taken great comfort and refuge in my husband over the years for protecting me, because he knows of my past scars, and fears, and he has always been watchful, but still we drank, more and more.
At around 40, I was becoming more and more depressed. Money was tight. Our children were growing up and needing more and more from us. My husband worked when he was not asleep. Some women turn to affairs. I turned to alcohol. I began to drink alone, anywhere, anytime. When my family began to comment, I began to hide it and drink more.
In Nov, 1985, my Daddy had a life changing illness. He was expected to die. Instead, he quit all his bad habits, cold turkey, and became a man among men, the man he always could have been. For his body, however, it was too late. For 15 years, we fought the fight with him, and it took it's toll on all of us. I drank more, even as my son and daughter graduated from High School, married, my daughter graduate from college, enrolled in graudate school, married, my son divorced, I drank more.
On February 22, 2000, I got word my Father was probably going to only live a few more weeks. I was working a demanding job at that time but was off that day. I had developed but had not been diagnosed with MS. It was late afternoon, and I had been drinking, but I got in my car because I couldn't stand to be in my skin. I got stopped, and I was arrested for DUI. The next year was the hardest, most humiliating of my life. Daddy died on May3 of that year. My nephew was sent to prison. I had to do court probation and community service. My mother got sick. I was sick. My husband didn't know what to do. My son and daughter didn't want to be around me, I ended up in ICU, broke several bones, was diagnosed with a bone disease, had pneumonia, a very close friend committed suicide, I finished my probation, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my Aunt, my Uncle, and my Cousin died, I could barely drag myself to work, my husband worked every minute, no one knew (or even believed!) what was wrong with me, and I drank.
My Mother died on December 29, 2001. I had to quit work wo months later. Then I drank all day. I had pneumonia several times again, broke ribs just from coughing, drank, went to rehab and tried AA. I did pretty well for a while, but AA, or the groups I tried, didn't suit me, and soon I quit.
These are just some highs and lows. I've left out a LOT. But we don't have time for a novel here!
My husband has given me several ultimatums. He's still here. I have finally been brave enough to find good, caring doctors and be honest with them, and tho I don't like the diagnoses I'm continuing to get, I know what's wrong, and what I can do to help myself, and what my limitations are. I have been sober and AF LONGER here, and feel better, and stronger, HERE, than anywhere I have ever been. This is the only place I have ever felt accepted, warts and all. After this oracle, I hope I still am. I thank you, RJ, and I thank you, MWO friends, those I know & love and those I've never met but whose presence I feel. It's misfits like me, who have always put bandaids on our wounds, that have found a home.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
?We are one another's angels? 
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