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    O.K. Here Goes

    It's about time I told some of my back story to explain who I am and where I am today.

    I was born in 1951, while my Daddy was away serving 3 tours in Korea. Momma and I lived in a big old house in the country with my Grandmother, Chit, and several Aunts and cousins. Believe it or not, even tho Daddy was home in time to father a sister for me by the time I was 3 1/2 to the day, I remember a lot about the time at Chit's house. Those, and later vacation time spent with her, which was every minute I could, were some of the best memories of my childhood. Daddy came home with a lot of mental baggage and nothing else. We lived in a rental house for a few years, then Daddy built our first house, which still stands. He later bought the house across the road, which I remember as my childhood home. We lived there until I was 8, when it burned to the ground and we lost everything again, and had to start renting again. In the meantime, every male cousin, or relative I had for that matter, started suggesting I play 'Doctor' with them, and I quickly learned that was the term for "Run Like Hell"!

    Daddy had started a restaraunt, a bar, really. He was a big, strong, charismatic man, a real man's man, hard drinker, gambler, ladies' man, and momma was left at home to try to keep things together. Over the years, he got worse, and he and I never were able to
    develop a relationship. We had never bonded, and since Momma was only 17 when I was born and her family had really raised me, I felt I had to take care of her. When her brother-in-law began making advances toward me in my early teens, I told her,and she told me to hush, and never tell my Daddy. We never spoke of it again. I was an adult before I realized he wouldn't have been mad at me, she just didn't want the scandal when Daddy killed him.

    I learned to take care of myself, to rely on myself, to keep others away. I looked after my Momma, sister, and brother. Daddy continued in a downward spiral, all the time creating the a company and the reputation as the strongest, hardest working, hardest playing man in the area. I was in the top of my class, cheerleader, class leader, every club, every office, every volunteer. Even in High School, however, I was let down by the men in authority in my life. Two of my teachers, both young, one very attactive and single, let me they were interested in me, but were rightfully afraid of my father. I just laughed it off, embarrassed, and avoided them from then on.

    I had met a painfully thin but popular boy with big ears and a Beatle haircut in my typing class (I know, I'm really dating myself) and we started double datiing with friends. Immediately, teachers started telling me I could do better (especially the two I mentioned above!) and telling me I needed to look further. I don't know what my life would have been like if I had. Could it have been better? Maybe. Could it have been worse? Definitely!! I have a very comfortable life, every material thing I could want. So why do I drink?

    I left High School and went to college on a scholarship. Future Hubs was so smitten, he wrote everyday. I have to admit, I was out in the world, with very mixed feelings. I loved the almost independence, but I was homesick. FH was constantly calling me, writing, coming to see me, wanting me to come home. I hitched a ride 150miles once with my guitar on my back to the little town near my home where my Uncle was Sheriff, and called my Daddy to come get me. I got chewed out by my Uncle for hitching, and stony silence from Daddy on the way home after he and Uncle had a talk.

    Fast forward, I came home to commute to a local college when a professor started getting too interested in me, got engaged, got married, got preg, dropped out of college.
    I had never had a drop of alcohol when my son was born. Later on, through our young married life and another child, we partied, and it seemed like when we went out and I drank there was was alway a man who tried to take advantage. I have taken great comfort and refuge in my husband over the years for protecting me, because he knows of my past scars, and fears, and he has always been watchful, but still we drank, more and more.

    At around 40, I was becoming more and more depressed. Money was tight. Our children were growing up and needing more and more from us. My husband worked when he was not asleep. Some women turn to affairs. I turned to alcohol. I began to drink alone, anywhere, anytime. When my family began to comment, I began to hide it and drink more.

    In Nov, 1985, my Daddy had a life changing illness. He was expected to die. Instead, he quit all his bad habits, cold turkey, and became a man among men, the man he always could have been. For his body, however, it was too late. For 15 years, we fought the fight with him, and it took it's toll on all of us. I drank more, even as my son and daughter graduated from High School, married, my daughter graduate from college, enrolled in graudate school, married, my son divorced, I drank more.

    On February 22, 2000, I got word my Father was probably going to only live a few more weeks. I was working a demanding job at that time but was off that day. I had developed but had not been diagnosed with MS. It was late afternoon, and I had been drinking, but I got in my car because I couldn't stand to be in my skin. I got stopped, and I was arrested for DUI. The next year was the hardest, most humiliating of my life. Daddy died on May3 of that year. My nephew was sent to prison. I had to do court probation and community service. My mother got sick. I was sick. My husband didn't know what to do. My son and daughter didn't want to be around me, I ended up in ICU, broke several bones, was diagnosed with a bone disease, had pneumonia, a very close friend committed suicide, I finished my probation, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my Aunt, my Uncle, and my Cousin died, I could barely drag myself to work, my husband worked every minute, no one knew (or even believed!) what was wrong with me, and I drank.

    My Mother died on December 29, 2001. I had to quit work wo months later. Then I drank all day. I had pneumonia several times again, broke ribs just from coughing, drank, went to rehab and tried AA. I did pretty well for a while, but AA, or the groups I tried, didn't suit me, and soon I quit.

    These are just some highs and lows. I've left out a LOT. But we don't have time for a novel here!

    My husband has given me several ultimatums. He's still here. I have finally been brave enough to find good, caring doctors and be honest with them, and tho I don't like the diagnoses I'm continuing to get, I know what's wrong, and what I can do to help myself, and what my limitations are. I have been sober and AF LONGER here, and feel better, and stronger, HERE, than anywhere I have ever been. This is the only place I have ever felt accepted, warts and all. After this oracle, I hope I still am. I thank you, RJ, and I thank you, MWO friends, those I know & love and those I've never met but whose presence I feel. It's misfits like me, who have always put bandaids on our wounds, that have found a home.
    sigpic
    Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
    awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

    #2
    O.K. Here Goes

    Wow Rubes, what a story!!! I can see exactly why you used drink to cope with the stresses and strains. You are lucky to have found a man so supportive and caring.
    For me too this is the only place really that I feel I "fit" and am comfortable. I think that makes all the difference to this difficult journey.
    You are doing so well, you are very brave. Overcoming the issues that you have and your incredible sense of humour. I am so glad you are here and I know that I am not the only one who thinks so.
    Thank you for sharing Rubes.
    Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
    Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

    Comment


      #3
      O.K. Here Goes

      Wow thanks for sharing Rubes. It's amazing what you've been through with all the deaths and illnesses in your family including your own and are still here today to tell us your story.

      Rubes I think your fantastic hun. Good on ya for opening up and sharing and being here today to also help others. It's not gone unnoticed.

      Love and Happiness
      Hippie
      xx
      "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
      Clean and sober 25th January 2009

      Comment


        #4
        O.K. Here Goes

        Hi there Ruby. Thank's for sharing, and i thought i'd travelled...I too feel very comfortable/accepted around everyone here.. I wish you all the success you deserve, Greg.

        'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

        Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

        Comment


          #5
          O.K. Here Goes

          Ruby, you have done well to post your life here. I am glad that you can write it down, maybe cathartic may be not. But at least it has allowed you to reflect on it and hopefully be able to move forward now with your drinking concerns.

          Regards
          Heavenly
          ?We are one another's angels?
          Sober since 29/04/2007

          Comment


            #6
            O.K. Here Goes

            Thank you Ruby, for sharing your story! I am so glad you found MWO and we have grown to be good friends. You are a loving and caring soul with a bit of "feisty" in you that I cherish. I so look forward to our meeting...you have become so dear to me!!!! Love, Krigs
            "People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning." Lao-Tzu

            Comment


              #7
              O.K. Here Goes

              Thank you for sharing your story Rubes
              I admire your strength, and am so glad that u are here.
              Someday, I may share mine. That would be a novel.lol.
              "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

              Comment


                #8
                O.K. Here Goes

                Thanks for sharing that Ruby- as much as I wouldn't have liked to have gone through all the stresses you have had in your life, I must say it makes absolutely riveting reading.

                Maybe you should think of writing a book?!! I think it would be fascinating and I love your style of writing.

                :h

                Comment


                  #9
                  O.K. Here Goes

                  I am very proud of you for doing such an honest, heart felt post...your right.This place is a home and we are family.We never have to deal with alcohol alone again.we're all in it together and we can heal together ....
                  sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

                  Comment


                    #10
                    O.K. Here Goes

                    Ruby
                    How can I say this... I read your posts, I find you to be such a compassionate person, and I am glad you are at this site, am glad you are here.
                    Lila

                    Comment


                      #11
                      O.K. Here Goes

                      WOW Ruby, thanks for sharing with us. I sure can relate to the small town bizz. Hang in there, nat
                      Was an alcoholic yesterday, an alcoholic today and will still be an alcoholic tomorrow..... but I'm in charge now!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        O.K. Here Goes

                        Hi Ruby,
                        You've have definitely gone through a lot girlfriend. It seems as though you have found MWO is and will work for you and what a comfort that can be because I know it has for me - to connect with people who feel your pain, the same pain. Good luck to you. You have great strength and we're with you.
                        j-vo
                        Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          O.K. Here Goes

                          Thanks for sharing your story Ruby. I'm just sure it is going to have a happy ending!:l
                          _______________
                          NF since June 1, 2008
                          AF since September 28, 2008
                          DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                          _____________
                          :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                          5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                          _______________
                          The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                          Comment


                            #14
                            O.K. Here Goes

                            I am crying for you - what a mess our past can make for us. Yours in particular - just makes me want to scream. I am so sorry for your losses, and the crimes against you. If you can do this -ANYONE can do this.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              O.K. Here Goes

                              Thanks for all the feedback, friends. My life is good here. I have learned to take today as it comes, and enjoy all that can be enjoyed. The past is what brought me here. Tomorrow is what I make it. Thank you all again.
                              sigpic
                              Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                              awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

                              Comment

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