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    a diet of the mind

    I'm 31. I go to work and do my job. I pay my bills on time. I own a house. I am married. I am a likable guy--everyone tells me. I have a laid-back, easygoing, friendly disposition. I enjoy helping people. I drink myself into oblivion nearly every night. I fight with my wife a lot. I say to myself that she is the reason I keep drinking. I know this is not true. She does not grasp the extent of my problem and is in more denial about my problem than I am, I think. She does not have a drinking problem herself. She cuts it off after one glass. I finish the bottle, and sometimes the remainder of her glass. Then I still want more. I open a beer, or have a shot of brandy, or whatever liquor I've got around. Then I have another, and another. Sometimes I recall going to bed, other times not. Sometimes I fall asleep on the floor of the bathroom. Sometimes I wake up with a raw hangover, other times it is barely noticeable. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and told my wife that I need to stop drinking or I will be dead soon. I was extremely hungover. I frightened her with that statement. I can feel that something is wrong inside. That evening 5:00PM rolled around, my hangover was gone and my pain forgotten, and was time to drink again. Repeat.

    This has been going on for the last 5 years or so. I went dry for 3 weeks at the beginning of this year, after I blacked out through Christmas and woke up the next morning not even realizing which presents had been given to me and from whom. Very embarrassing to say the least. I must say those 3 weeks were not as difficult as I thought they would be--more like going on a vacation, but while I enjoyed the benefits of remembering my evenings and waking up feeling good the next morning and having a clear mind all the time, I still felt an empty pit in my stomach, a profound sadness.

    If I were describe the feeling of trying to quit drinking, imagine what it might feel like to lock up your best friend in a dark closet in your basement, and leaving him there to die. You can hear him crying, pleading for you to let him out, that he is starving and thirsty and suffocating. He tries to appeal to your conscience by telling stories of the all good times you have had together ("Remember when we...Wasn't that the best time you had ever had? Now please let me out!"). You find it hard to resist sitting and listening to him and smiling in your remembrance. You know you cannot let him out, because you know that he is a bad influence on you. He makes you do things you wish you hadn't. You feel good about getting rid of him on one hand but on the other you miss him terribly and hear him pleading with you. I gave in after 3 weeks, and let my old friend back out. He is still out. I need to lock him back up again, and throw away the key, and soon. I believe that if I do not do this soon I will be dead.

    I have been aware that I drink too much for about 2 years now. I first started drinking when I was 17. I would go out camping in the desert with two friends of mine, with stolen alcohol from one of our father's liquor cabinet. My one friend's father was a raging alcoholic and he would always talk to me about him. He was worried he had inherited the alcoholic gene. We talked about these things while we got drunk. I lost touch with both my friends.

    The addiction crept up on me over the course of 14 years. When I was in my early 20s I drank but it was only on weekends. Then years went by and it got to be a few times a week. Then it became every night.

    I am writing this while I am hungover and feel a little jittery and trembling. I am at work right now. I tried to speak to a friend and co-worker, and my speech was halting and disjointed. I was trying to help him solve a problem. He knew something was wrong with me and asked. I told him it must be daylight-savings time, I'm just tired. I don't think he believed me.

    I cannot focus on my work this morning because I am sick. I am still trying to catch up with Friday's work that I never finished. By this afternoon I will be back into motion, like nothing happened, nearly or completely caught up with my work, the morning sickness forgotten. By early this evening I will begin drinking again, and feeling all is right with my world, watching the evening news. Though I know that it is not. By late tonight I will be in a stupor. Tomorrow I will be hungover again.

    I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. The same day keeps repeating over and over until I get it right. Except that getting it right once doesn't help, because I have to get it right the next day, and the next day after that, and keep getting it right forever. I can't make one right move and live happily ever after. I know that this is a commitment I must make, to lock my friend up forever.

    I feel like John Nash ("A Beautiful Mind"), with his imaginary college roommate constantly hounding him. The more he ignores him he more his roommate pleads with him to simply acknowledge him, but he knows that he cannot indulge the fantasy. The phrase he uses to describe his way of dealing with them "a diet of the mind" is perfect.

    This is what I must go on, a diet of the mind.

    I am reading "Drinking, a Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It is an engaging story, the kind that you start reading and lose track of time and cannot put down. She died so ironically, tragically, years after completing this book. I looked at her picture in a drunken stupor the other night, and tears welled up. She chose to quit drinking, when she should have chosen first to stop smoking, and the lung cancer ended her life at a young age. I stopped smoking. I haven't stopped drinking. I want a cigarette. Which is worse?

    My wife doesn't understand how to help me. She loves me dearly and I her but she doesn't believe that I really have such a terrible problem. She says I should just try cut back, not quit entirely. I can't cut back, it's impossible. I've tried, believe me I've tried. It doesn't work. She doesn't understand that once the threshold is crossed, it's all or nothing. I absolutely must remain high until my brain shuts off for the night. It is far easier to not drink at all than to stop at one drink. She thinks I'm just weak.

    No one can help me but me. I am afraid.

    #2
    a diet of the mind

    Thank you for your story. That was me back in January. I would cry and cry for the loss of my best friend. Still sometimes I mourn a little but the pain and sorrow is much less and my life is so much greater and full of joy now that he is locked away! It can be done, but you are right about you helping yourself! My husband wanted so much to help me over the past years but I had to be ready! It sounds like you are ready to make that change also! I think the mental aspectic is the hardest like you said you made it three weeks and then just missed it so much, the saddness like losing a best friend.

    That is the way most of us feel here....I hope you have had a chance to read other posts...and maybe tonight instead of picking up that first drink come here instead and read! You can reread your post here and read what others have posted. It really does help.

    Welcome and good luck!
    Take Care,
    Tammie

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      #3
      a diet of the mind

      thank you

      Thank you for your reply. Maybe I will today, maybe not. I just bought a new bottle of brandy last night that is calling me, ugh. My friend again.

      I feel sicker than normal today, something is different. My muscles feel trembly. It's scary. I feel like my body is coming apart.

      I have a friend of ours renting a room in our house that is a recovering alcoholic. I've known her since she was a child and had actually written her off a number of years ago because she had spiraled into drug and alcohol abuse at a very young age and went her own way. Her story is quite different than mine but she understands where I'm at.

      She is pushing AA on me, which I really don't think I will take to very well. I am a staunch atheist and doing AA successfully requires faith. Maybe I'll try it once anyway just to humor the both of us. I'm not ready for that yet though.

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        #4
        a diet of the mind

        Re: thank you

        What a powerful post. Thank you. Brandy was my mate too.

        Keep the bastard locked up. He won't be lonely. All of our best friends are in there with him.

        I couldn't do AA either, for similar reasons. Do you think a general checkup might be good re the trembling muscles?

        Tawny

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          #5
          a diet of the mind

          checkup

          I should get a checkup. I've been meaning to, but... well, you know. I'm having a very bad day today. I'm going to try to skip the sauce tonight, give my organs a rest. :eek

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            #6
            a diet of the mind

            Diet of the mind

            Thanks for sharing your story - much of it rang true to me. My partner also suggested for a long time that I cut back, rather than stop.

            It seems you have done alot of thinking about your problem - for me it took several months of internet research and books, before I found this site and something just clicked. I have been totally abstinent for 24 of the last 26 days - two "binges" which I have kicked myself black and blue for, but otherwise it is nothing short of miraculous. It's not easy, but hey - nor is being a slave to alcohol! (Your descriptions of hangovers are creepily accurate - physical pain mixed with paranoia and mental confusion...hhhmmm what kind of friend makes you feel like that?)

            I made a plan to stop - booked a holiday and spent the week running up to it psyching myself up. That week I also drank more than I usually do _ a last hurrah, or an attempt at aversion therapy - not sure (but the last night I had to get up at 3am to catch an early flight, with my toddler son and partner - I drank 2 bottles of wine before going to sleep - I was still drunk when I woke upm but by the time we got to the airport I felt so bad I just wanted to die. Good point to start huh?!)

            I too feel AA is not the place for me - many people here would agree - many others find it helps them. The point is, do whatever it takes, but but I'm pretty sure one day soon you'll be ready to try. You'll be amazed how you feel after a few days not drinking. Physically and mentally - a few days sober can give you the clarity and strenght of mind you need to get your head round everything.


            good luck.

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              #7
              a diet of the mind

              Your story could be my story, or indeed, most of our stories. I did 12 steps for a long time, even though I didn't believe, because I was desperate, and that was all there was back then. Eventually, I did come to believe, and this is okay for me, and the fact that you don't is okay for you!

              After a long while, I slid back down the long path and ended up at the bottom again. I still have a butt load of tools from the 12 steps, and I'm using them to the best of my ability...and adding this wonderful program to them.

              I realized one day that I hadn't been to bed without a drink in over a year, and I seldom remembered getting from my chair to the bed....and that I "saved" easy work to do in the mornings while my head cleared.....I went a googling for an online AA meeting, feeling sure that after all these years, something like that probably existed. And I found *this*.

              And here I see things that I recognize, just in a different format...a group of people with the same problem...who thought they were alone, but aren't....who are working together to support each other in a common goal...sharing their stories and experiences and things they have learned along the way.

              And new things:

              The wonders of the internet giving us more anonymity than was ever possible before (and truly that is what I'm seeking this time).

              The wonders of medical science giving more help with medications and supplements than were ever before available or known.

              The availabilty of hypnotic techniques to work on our self-esteem, mental cravings and other issues.

              I think things are looking up for us drunks!

              AA may not be for you, on the other hand, you probably won't get a drink at a meeting, and you'll meet people there who don't drink, know how to party without drinking, and how to survive in the world without it. You don't have to give your name, or say you are an alcoholic. When it gets around to you, just say Hi! I'm a visitor! I'd like to listen. Take what is helpful to you and leave the rest. Then at least your friend will leave you alone

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                #8
                a diet of the mind

                thanks

                Thanks for the comments. I may well go to an AA meeting. I'll try anything once!

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                  #9
                  a diet of the mind

                  backpakerlv'

                  I have never heard a story about drinking and alcolholism put in such a profound manner as you have just done! Thank you so much for your honesty! It does sound that in your mind you have come to a crossroads, somewhat like I was at two weeks ago. It was for me time to change or risk losing myself forever. I needed to make a decision, was it going to be that old friend....or my life, my family, my real friends. What a hellish place to be in. I feel for you, right down to my soul!

                  I hope you spend some time reading what other people have written here. You will soon find that you are not alone. I also hope that you wil see your doctor and let him/her in on what is going on. I know when I did that two weeks ago (even thoogh I was scared as hell) I felt instant relief just from getting all the cards on the table with him.

                  Best of luck, and let us know how you are doing!!

                  Donna

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                    #10
                    a diet of the mind

                    Thank you for your kind comments, I am flattered. At my wife's protest, I have decided to indulge my old friend tonight. I will try again tomorrow.

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                      #11
                      a diet of the mind

                      Wonderful thing....a new wagon comes by every day

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                        #12
                        a diet of the mind

                        *

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                          #13
                          a diet of the mind

                          Hi,
                          I would just like to say that lushliar's new feelings on the 'friend/enemy' in the basement are also mine. I owe these new feelings to the program. The old ugly feelings of constantly craving alcohol will persist especially if one tries to go 'cold turkey' or if one does not supplement the cravings. I'm talking from my experience here.
                          I've been on this program for just over 6 months and I was a mess to begin with. Nothing before worked. I had too much to lose so I did everything by the book when I started. (except the CDs).
                          I've had 2 drinks in 6 months and I have my life back.

                          All the best to everyone
                          Cath

                          Comment


                            #14
                            a diet of the mind

                            Thanks Cath,

                            To hear that you've done 6 months has helped me in more ways than you know. It makes me realise it can be done, which is exactly what I need to focus on at the moment.
                            Take Care and Keep Up Your Hard Work.
                            --Michelle x

                            Comment


                              #15
                              a diet of the mind

                              Change is good!

                              Hello to you all!

                              Just today I found this website and I feel a high level of excitement for my future. I am not one that drinks the hard stuff. It's on a very rare occasion that that happens but I do like my grapes and they like me. I make a joke that my wine is my fruit serving for the day but over the last several years I've been adding way too much. Now, I can drink a bottle a night and not have a hangover the next day. I've been giving the issue some very serious thought and have decided that I really want to quit. I suppose I could have a nip every now and then but then what's the point? If a person makes the committment to stop and then touches the stuff occassionally then it could start all over again.

                              I am happily married and have a job and friends that I love. I only drink at night after a long day and my husband drinks with me only he likes beer. We sit and talk about our day and then it's time to pass out. Some nights I remember and some I don't. I am reminded of my consumption by the empty wine bottle(s) the next day. I like this forum for it's privacy and I like the honesty. I was able to get some samples of Campral from my doctor and have just started them today. I realize that my life is about to change and I want it to and the medication may make this journey a bit easier.

                              I have yet to learn about My Way Out but I'm on my way as I've been reading on the site for the last two hours. Thank God!

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