I love my life. I live with my partner in splendid isolation on 14 acres of land which I am transforming into a park with many calm and tranquil areas. There are reflection ponds and water-lilies and rose gardens. I watch kangaroos hop by 20feet from my back door. My physical surrounds are absolutely idyllic. I am fortunate in that I could take early retirement and no longer have to be in the workforce. So why am I so disgusted with myself?
It seems I have developed a major alcohol problem, drinking at least half a bottle of brandy per day plus the odd glass of wine for good measure. I don't get hang-overs so I'll do it all over again tomorrow. I do this every single day of my life. This disgusts me more than I can say. I organise my life to fit around my drinking - I will wait an extra two weeks to see the dentist because I need a 9am appointment. 3.30pm is no good because I'm trashed by then. I avoid all social occasions where drink will be involved because I don't have the capacity to say "no thank you - I've had enough". I keep a notebook by the phone and doodle or write illegible notes so that I have some chance of remembering who called last night. For a person who welcomes complete honesty, I'm a total fraud. I hide my drinking from everyone.
I hate the repetitive, gibbering idiot I've become. For a woman who loves beauty and order and logic I despair at the loss of control I have over my own actions. I am an early morning person and wake up at around 5am when I try to piece together what happened last night. I can't. Then the alcoholic remorse sets in. I work in my garden and think I'm losing my mind. I convince myself I have dementia. By lunch-time I've driven myself into such a fearful frenzy that the only thing that will calm me down is a nice brandy. And another one.
Feeling good, I later decide to cook a decent dinner. I need a cup of wine for the sauce - great - I'll just have one or two glasses while cooking. Then suddenly there's not enough left to share with my partner so I'll just have to drink that remaining little bit too.
So, after dinner, when most nice people have a civilised drink, I decide the day is over and it's ok for me to have a couple of brandys. But it's really more like four or five. Or if I've hit the ranting stage and want to talk, it's probably six or seven until I just have to go to bed.
And I do it all over again the next day.
Just how have I let my life spiral out of control like that? It seems a life-time ago that I was an intelligent, articulate and interesting woman. I had a healthy self-esteem and a lot to offer. Now I suck.
That's how I felt three days ago. Then
I read the posts. I downloaded the book. I'm sourcing the supplements. And I so thank this site for coming across my path - probably at a very crucial time. I can't imagine total abstinence. I don't like failure. But controlled, social drinking, devoid of remorse or guilt, would be a wonderful thing. And the only thing I can be proud of tonight is ... reporting in at 9.05pm - I'm having my first glass of wine!!!!!! I feel this hasn't happened since I was six. (I got through the day by drinking water in my wine glass - a little ritual that seemed to work. The actual feel of the wine glass in hand seemed to make a difference)
Thank you all for your honesty - thank you for allowing mine.
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