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[Guest]

Hey Ya'll... Not sure where to start, I'm warning you look out when I do... In some ways it's been the week from Hell... lost a good friend to kidney failure (alcohol related...but probably more so broken heart & emotional_ one of the kindest, most caring people I've ever met.) I met him in treatment almost a year ago...sure do miss him... wishn everyone here could've met him... One of a kind. Some people just have that way of gettin' right in there where nobody else can. I grew up (supposedly) , in a family not very outwardly affectionate. So l learned @ young age not to show much emotion ("no snivelling" "your too old for a goodnight kiss".."toughen up") all that tuff love philosophy BS. I'm definately a surviver...but I think I'm just beginning to learn @ what cost. I know I learned not to say anything when your'e "hurtin for certain" --shows weakness... So about 8 yrs ago when I was travelling w/the "love of my life"(so I thought @ the time..actually for years) , I appologize, not sure how to do the format on the typing......... We'd traveled to the South Pacific, hoping to get work on a sailboat & sail accross the S. Pacific.... He got a job & I got pregnant. Not being one to beg /or ask someone for help... he sailed away...and I stayed behind, and misscarried, a few weeks later (still on my iown, in a foreign country- this was after being up all night, then taking an ambulance, {given antacid @ the hospital}, then hitchhiking back to my tent...) then I miscarried... Never a dull moment in Tahiti! .....About 3 wks later, I hear from him, (from Tonga) "So sorry I left you , I wanna come have this baby w/you"...Bla Bla ... Here we have the "RIPLEY"S BELIEVE IT OR NOT portion of the story... I took him back. Only to be left again @ another very critical moment in time...( I wrecked my truck on the way home from work on the night of his birthday,... He'd been out "partying with a couple of younger gals, friends of his... while I was working, & we got in a big fight later , so I felt like I'd ruined his B-day...) then I got drunk, Drove home, & wrecked,..... so the next morning I was so mad at myself for driving drunk & being such a jerk... I decided to cut my wrists...:x and MAKE ROOM FOR SOMEONE MORE DESERVING TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET) ( I did a pretty good job of it.. I cut 3 tendons & 80% of the nerve in my right hand...thank God I found a great surgeon ) ...At least he was consisitant, whenever I could use a friend he was no where to be found.....I guess I was too, only to my detriment, but, like they say " that ,that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sure hope I can be a wimp in my next lifetime!!:rolleyes Guess you could say I've been pretty independant since I got my licence to drive (way back in the 70's!) I lived in a little cabin in Colorado for 18 yrs, no runnin h20, & a hike in across a footbridge, when it wasn't washed out... My how things change . Now I'm back in Ore. where I grew up, married to a wonderful man. I'm really struggling right now. I love my husband very much, but I feel like he's F-n w/my head ...it's probably my own mis -trust issues surfacing... But it seems like the more I try not to drink... the more he stays out...A few nights ago he gave me the "Play by Play", word for word scenario of the girls @ the bar... and his "stick" ( que stick) , I don't need to hear that... Especially 2nd hand from him....I believe in being honest, but some things are better left alone. But since they whern't ... I get to wonder, what's the point? Gotta admit I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm angry, ... I really don't need to hear how good a friend of mine looks in her tight jeans (especially when she's bartending @ the same place I met him__whnI was Br Keepn God this is so trivial! I know there's so much more to life than wasting precios energy on anger & hurt... God grant me the Serenity... I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to be a negatve post. I know tomorro will be a good day, I'm usually pretty lite hearted, just one of those moments...

[Guest]

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oh yeah...

Me again, Something I failed to mention. Apparently, when I was about 2 yrs old, my folks had a big New Year's party....My Dad still "braggs about how "Little Judie" would grab a drink off the coffie table, and just gulp it down. While most 2 yr olds would make a face & spit it out..."Little Judie was a pro from the "Get Go"... I guess I'm still that little child, looking for acceptance & validation.... That sounds so pathtic!! I've always been competitve, No in between. Either the "best or the Worst...None of that in between s--t for me. Kinda scarey. I'll bet I'm a therapist's worst nightmare... OK, Break time! Thanks for listenin.... Peace & Prayers Judie

[Guest]

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Re: oh yeah...

Judie - You've been through quite a lot. I hope your husband is not trying to sabatoge all your hard work. Remember that you are doing this for YOURSELF. We are all good people and deserve to be treated as such. Obviously you are a survivor -like you said, "that which makes us stronger....".

Watching my teenage daughters grow up, I am reminded of the old adage, "I wish I knew then what I know now". I guess it all comes with experience and just living.

Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. I really like reading all the posts.

Jane.

[Guest]

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the "Unevolved Gender!"

Sometimes I wish I knew what really goes on in the ("Smaller"), heads of men. Then on second thought it's probably a blessing, not to know! It's a full time job just workin' on me! Maybe it's the alkie in me wanting to "control" the situation. I've watched my Mom wait on my Dad, literally, my whole life. Talk about enabling! We used to have to wait,& wait, & wait...for him to come home from working in the woods, so we could eat dinner. Well, everyone knows, working as a logger, alwys includes stopping off @ the local "watering hole" for 1 or 2 ....I remember my Mom keeping dinner warm for him, sometimes till after us kids had eaten & gone to bed. Everyone says I look like my Mom & act like my Dad...Scarey combination... There's no way in H, I'll be the "good little wifey" & cook & clean for someone that can't be bothered to appreciate it. Wanna know how I really feel about it?LOL! If they can put a man on the moon...why not all of them? At least for a week or two! Hey , my headaches almost gone....yahoo....Hugs gotta go, Judie

[Guest]

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Peace and Prayers for Judie

Hey Judie,

I hope that your man isn't trying to sabotage you on some level, but it isn't uncommon for family members to unconsciously try to thwart the efforts of another family member who is trying to change. Change is usually threatening to all of us on some level, even when it is good change. Because if you really change, it means your husband will probably have to change too (not that you are demanding this of him). Is this something that you could possibly try to talk with him about or just say that your feelings are hurt? (I know this would be hard, giving how you were raised to be "tough") But sometimes the simple truth can work wonders.

I love your posts, they are honest and raw, sometimes, but they are all Judie. I appreciate how you let us know you and don't hide! Keep on posting.

Hugs,
Kathy

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sabotage

Some things do make you go "huh?" I checked myself into a treatment center about a year ago. I'd been way out of control for months, and could see no end in sight...My Hubby told me he'd always love me, but couln't handle watching what I was doing to me & us. The treatment center I went to was about 3 hrs from where we live. He came to visit a few times. That was great to see him. I almost felt "supported". Till the day we had an appt. w/one of the counselors, and he decided he couln't wait 15 more min., & desperatly needed to get home- of course before our session... No wait it gets better... LOL.... The next time he came for a visit, we were out @ his truck, it was kinda chilly so I grabbed a sweatshirt from the back...Wasn't I suprised to find a 12 pck of Bud. ( REMEMBER THIS IS IN PARKING LOT OF THE TREATMENT CTR!) He said it was for a friend, to re-pay him for feeding our dogs while away. Remember it was a 3 hr drive home... I guess it makes sense to re-pay someone w/warm beer, rather than buy some closer to home....There's only about 5 or 6 towns on the way home ....Not to mention in Ore. you can buy beer just about anywhere! And so it goes.... Love & logic they just don't mix!! God I sound like a bitz!! ch He's an incredible man, and I love him very much, I'm afraid he's picked up some of my bad habits! This too shall pass.... But I think we have our "work" cut out for us... Peace & prayers, Judie

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Re: sabotage

Howdy, Me again...
Went to the Dr. today & got a script for Topa. Hoping that'll help. I told my Dr., about the headaches I've been getting, now he wants to do a CT scann & more lab work...That just about brought it on again! I take time off from work , to go to the DR., then sit there for over an hr, so he can talk to me for 5 min. And schedule me to come back in a few days.... At least it's only a 20 mi. drive (round trip), but taking the time off work.... I'm thinking I should've just ordered the Topa online. Live & learn maybe? Feeling frustrated, wish me luck. & thanks for letting me vent... I sound like such a bit " h sometimes! Guess I can't be a "Saint" all the time!! Hugs...Judie

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and here we are today!!almost June!!

We've come a loonnng way Baby! My life is sooo much better since I started this post 5 mo ago!:b Wow just reading thru this thread,... wew... shaking my head here. I had to go back & add a bit to my story because when I posted it I wasn't quite ready to put into words all of what I was feeling & had done...Kinda overwhelming still.
I think some of the things here, I haven't even been able to say to my Husband. Just not so easy to talk about. Plus I tend to get choked up... and the words just don't come out of my throat!
Also, I'm usually not the "most" serious person you'd ever run into! Guess you could call me "Sybil" today!:rolleyes
I'm just so thankful for so many blessings in my life... and finding this program has been a very big part of that! Because the direction I was heading,... I could've easily lost everything I hold dear to me .... And believe me, there's A LOT!:eek :b :hat 8o Hugs, Judie

that song by Garth Brooks, "Unanswered Prayers" just came on the radio! Wow!!:eek 8o :lol

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WOW, Judie, you have come a LOOOOOOOOONG Way! Congratuations. You have been through some seriously tough situations. I lived the Virgin Islands for 15 years lots fun but as you say even in Tahiti. "Feel a pain, take a plane." was the motto we had down there!

You should be so proud of yourself for getting this far. Telling yourself you are allowed to be a wimp in this lifetime is OK. If it is honestly how you feel, it is about being perfectly honest and I see that in all of your posts! (Of course, I say that but rarely do people get to see that side of me!)

I am still in situation where I do not want to tell my husband I am on this program because I have seen the side of him that sabatoges my efforts in changing. Still, this is a great place to be. I just signed up for June moderation and committed to trying to be here everyday. I am only on the supps but the whole feel better, look better thing has kept me pretty sober now since March 27th.

Love all of these great people and learn from posts everytime I get to these boards!

Hugs to you Judie,
Mary

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Hey MKR, The Virgin Islands has always been on my list of places to go...( you know... being one ...& all...:lol ) Maybe still someday! Thanks for the nice reply, & definatly see ya in "Mods" (feels like we're movin back to the 70's or somethin!):rolleyes

"Thanks God for my friends, for without them life would be all ends"...K McDonough

( I don't know where I put the rest of that poem...somewhere in a box... but I remember that part!):hat

[Guest]

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Wow, Judie - you have come a long way! Thanks for continuing this thread. And look at you -the leader of our group for June for mods. Mossstttt exsssssellent. Hugs Cathy

[Guest]

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Thanks Cathy, I'd have to say things just keep on getting better since I found this place, and everyone here! I t is a world of difference! And a very welcome one at that... :hat

[Saint Jude]

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saint jude wrote: Thanks Cathy, I'd have to say things just keep on getting better since I found this place, and everyone here! It is a world of difference! And a very welcome one at that..:hat

Thanks again to RJ and everyone here, for being here!

[Eliziby]

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You know Judi, your story is so incredible. It isn't easy to read, making it more real how very, very difficult it must have been to live. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine your suffering. But you know, we all have our own story, some more incredible than others but all with the same end results,"PROBLEM DRINKING". MWO is a God sent to us all. I am a believer, and I believe with MWO we are either making new stories we can tell, or new endings to old ones. You go girl////. I love your post. Thanks for sharing your story. Eliziby

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Go Jude, You rock.
Brigid