3/10/06
I just downed all the supplements. Everything but the all in one powder and the topamax. I thought it might help make tomorrow easier. I still have yet to really admit there is even a problem?that I have let my consumption escalate to the point that now it is hard to stop. I so relate to those of you who describe quitting drinking for a while and convince yourself that there was no problem to begin with. I spent most of last spring and summer not drinking. I promised myself I wouldn?t begin again until Labor Day. I tweaked this, of course as I had a wedding to attend in late August. I told myself that I had done so well I could certainly cut it short. I had proved I could take it or leave it. Well after the wedding I really took it. I think subconsciously I started making up for all the drinks I had denied myself the previous months.
My younger child is four. I had a very scary birth experience that activated my genetically inherited predisposition for both depression and alcohol abuse. Some days it feels like life is passing me by and I take hold of very little of it. I find I often am just ?filling time? till I can open that first beer. It is 4:06pm now?right about time. I grew up hearing my heavy drinking Irish relatives justify opening the booze anytime of the day by exclaiming, ?It?s happy hour someplace in the world?.
I drink expensive beer. Has to be micro brewed, I pride myself on supporting the local economy by staying loyal to the regional beers. I would rather stay sober then drink anything light or cheap (this must also mean I do not have a problem with alcohol) Sometimes I open a bottle of chardonnay. It is unusual for me not to finish it on my own. The amount of beer seems more acceptable. I often stop at 3 beers. On the weekends or if I am at a gathering sometimes I add 1-2 more. If I consume more than 5 beers, I?ll black out. After that wedding I referred to I really went wild. A normal late summer evening- a stroll through town, dinner with the kids and my husband, an art opening, a pottery show. I think I filled a 16 oz. plastic cup with wine before LEAVING town to go home. This was after I was already slurring my words and feeling wasted. We arrived home. I poured myself out of the car and started walking into our field. I told the family I needed some air. My husband put the kids to bed. He said if he had not heard me puking behind the wood pile he might not have found me. I?m not certain I would have made it back inside. It was cold out and the dogs were lying next to me. It was humiliating. I am so thankful that I do not have stories to share that involve my kids or the law. I?m not sure that if I don?t do something now I?ll be telling those stories.
I?m bet I?m not alone in wondering when it was that I lost control. I drank like a fish in college. It was different then. I really could take it or leave it. It never occurred to me to drink outside of a drinking event. Now I prefer to drink alone. I?ll prime myself before going out socially so no one will notice how much I drink and so I get enough. There is nothing more uncomfortable then the host putting the alcohol away and serving coffee! Needless to say I host most of the social events.
I have the most wonderful psychiatrist. She has helped me through this very dark time of post partum depression (4years worth). I came clean with her about the alcohol thing about a year ago. I wanted reassurance that I did not have a problem. As any good psychiatrist will tell you?I was the one who needed to answer that question.
So here I am?planning to start tomorrow- on my dead father?s birthday (he was not an alcoholic and I miss him terribly) I thought choosing a day with some symbolism might help some. I am scared to death it won?t work. If it doesn?t what will I do? I want my old life back.
Thanks for listening. I?ve been a voyeur on this site for a couple of months. Your stories have been so reassuring and your support of one another gives me hope. I look forward to your (gentle) comments.
Purple Jenny
I just downed all the supplements. Everything but the all in one powder and the topamax. I thought it might help make tomorrow easier. I still have yet to really admit there is even a problem?that I have let my consumption escalate to the point that now it is hard to stop. I so relate to those of you who describe quitting drinking for a while and convince yourself that there was no problem to begin with. I spent most of last spring and summer not drinking. I promised myself I wouldn?t begin again until Labor Day. I tweaked this, of course as I had a wedding to attend in late August. I told myself that I had done so well I could certainly cut it short. I had proved I could take it or leave it. Well after the wedding I really took it. I think subconsciously I started making up for all the drinks I had denied myself the previous months.
My younger child is four. I had a very scary birth experience that activated my genetically inherited predisposition for both depression and alcohol abuse. Some days it feels like life is passing me by and I take hold of very little of it. I find I often am just ?filling time? till I can open that first beer. It is 4:06pm now?right about time. I grew up hearing my heavy drinking Irish relatives justify opening the booze anytime of the day by exclaiming, ?It?s happy hour someplace in the world?.
I drink expensive beer. Has to be micro brewed, I pride myself on supporting the local economy by staying loyal to the regional beers. I would rather stay sober then drink anything light or cheap (this must also mean I do not have a problem with alcohol) Sometimes I open a bottle of chardonnay. It is unusual for me not to finish it on my own. The amount of beer seems more acceptable. I often stop at 3 beers. On the weekends or if I am at a gathering sometimes I add 1-2 more. If I consume more than 5 beers, I?ll black out. After that wedding I referred to I really went wild. A normal late summer evening- a stroll through town, dinner with the kids and my husband, an art opening, a pottery show. I think I filled a 16 oz. plastic cup with wine before LEAVING town to go home. This was after I was already slurring my words and feeling wasted. We arrived home. I poured myself out of the car and started walking into our field. I told the family I needed some air. My husband put the kids to bed. He said if he had not heard me puking behind the wood pile he might not have found me. I?m not certain I would have made it back inside. It was cold out and the dogs were lying next to me. It was humiliating. I am so thankful that I do not have stories to share that involve my kids or the law. I?m not sure that if I don?t do something now I?ll be telling those stories.
I?m bet I?m not alone in wondering when it was that I lost control. I drank like a fish in college. It was different then. I really could take it or leave it. It never occurred to me to drink outside of a drinking event. Now I prefer to drink alone. I?ll prime myself before going out socially so no one will notice how much I drink and so I get enough. There is nothing more uncomfortable then the host putting the alcohol away and serving coffee! Needless to say I host most of the social events.
I have the most wonderful psychiatrist. She has helped me through this very dark time of post partum depression (4years worth). I came clean with her about the alcohol thing about a year ago. I wanted reassurance that I did not have a problem. As any good psychiatrist will tell you?I was the one who needed to answer that question.
So here I am?planning to start tomorrow- on my dead father?s birthday (he was not an alcoholic and I miss him terribly) I thought choosing a day with some symbolism might help some. I am scared to death it won?t work. If it doesn?t what will I do? I want my old life back.
Thanks for listening. I?ve been a voyeur on this site for a couple of months. Your stories have been so reassuring and your support of one another gives me hope. I look forward to your (gentle) comments.
Purple Jenny
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