I am writing this as I feel today it will help me. I am two days af but not doing that good. So truth be told just 1 and three quarters day. But I am far from drunk and have no intention of getting drunk. So that is a start I guess. I came on here after stumbling through life for so long. My horses had just died and that triggered the most amazing drink binge, I drank an entire bottle of whisky, something I never touch and rolled around on the floor crying out for my horses. It was then that I began my search. Yep it has taken me this long. Now how sad is that? But it was never about my horses, they were ill, it was their time. But I felt I had lost everything. My kids had left me to live with their father as I was unpredictable with when I would drink. My eldest son has now returned but it is still very dangerous for me. My life was never picture book. Both my parents were dysfunctional. My mother was seriously mentally ill with alcohol problems. She suffered schizophrenia (could that explain me??ha ha). My father was a 63 year old alcoholic when I was born. To this day I am amazed at his prowess!!! but he died when I was three and before then all of the children (they had 8 in all) my mother had kids to anyone and already had 3 before she met my father, went into care. I was 'lucky?' I was fostered and then adopted at five. Sadly, this was not to work out as the father of the family found me sexually attractive and as I was not his daughter he felt it was his 'right'. This resulted in me taking overdoses as a child. I was never taken to the hospital as really I had not taken enough, but made to drink salt water and vomit. I guess if I had gone to hospital the truth would have come out and that would never do. My adoptive mother was religious and thought I was Judas and told me daily. I had no idea what she meant!!! There was an element of mental torture and because of their own problems the burden lay at my door. There was a lot of other things she did but I want to keep it to the point. I was kicked into the streets at 16. Two black bags and a birth certificate. I had a little job at that point and although social services said I could go to a foster home, but would have to contribute!!! I decided to 'go it alone'. I was even afraid of the dark. But found myself alone in this big world. So I got a bedsit and stumbled from one nightmare into another. I was vulnerable and found myself with an older man who used to regularly hit me. I felt worthless. He went to prison in the end. My chance to escape. I was 18 by now and fell in with a really bad crowd and ended up selling myself on the streets and then progressed to 'controlled' environment. I never had a 'pimp' as I was too addicted to drugs that I was a liability. That was a blessing. I was also very angry and I reckon that was obvious to those who are predatory. I was that low. I was a drug addict, did not really drink, but the cycle ensued. I did drink sometimes, but not that much. I was more into sticking a needle in my arm that resulted in me contracting hep b and hep c. I fully recovered from both. Amazingly. I look back and I think that is how low I felt that the only thing I was good for was to be used as a piece of meat. That is what my formative years had taught me. I was very ill, both emotionally, mentally and physically. I put my body through torture. Eventually, I stumbled to college. I could not continue on this path. I began to study. I removed myself from the situation. As a child gaining qualifications was the last thing on my mind, but now I wanted better for me. I did do better. I got a good job and things began to look up. But I was still vulnerable and my boss took a 'shine' to me, truth is he became obsessed by me, but he was very dangerous and a stalker victim situation began. He used to cut himself and bizarre things like that, he ended up driving head on into a wall and paralysing himself in a bid to end his life. Then I met my real mother and from that she passed on my address to my siblings. I had been given a choice by social services and I decided I only wanted to meet my mother, she had other ideas. So this 'family' turned up on my doorstep and a nightmare followed. They all were ill with drink or drug problems and I felt even more of an outsider. Why I hear the cries, because they were not 'normal' and when I say that I mean that. Define what is normal? Well, I can only assure you I do know what I am talking about. It burst the last thread of self esteem I had. I 'connected' with my big sister, but she was a bitch and a heavy drinker and truly while I was desperately seeking someone she was not a 'caring' soul. But I loved her. Stupidly. I met a man through my sister who was 22 years older than me. Yes, the father figure. I had children with him. He was not nice to me and again I had chosen 'wrong'. He made me life such hell that the stress caused my hair to fall out. I left him taking my two kids and the proverbial two black bags that seemed to follow me around:H. I built my life up, went to college again and trained to be a Holistic Therapist. I did not drink. I had seven years sobreity or drugs and drink and really tried to be a good mum. It proved difficult as this man had access to my kids and told them in no uncertain terms what he thought. Fortunately, my kids are cool and they know me for me. I met a really good, kind man. We had a really close relationship and he was a star. I was unable to deal with it and ended it. Then found myself totally alone again. Then I began to suffer this amazing hassle and I could not understand why?? Really bizarre mind games. Seemingly my big sister had gotten involved with someone and she was in war with him and he decided to harrass me. Bearing in mind my self esteem issues. This was all too much to bear. I began to drink, only moderately, but I did. When something weird happened and without saying what, I assure you psycopathic, it crippled me. Then she got murdered, but I still got hassle. Then I did another college course to stay sane. Then my son nearly died eleven weeks after my sister's murder. I promise you now I was still functioning. I was a mum and determined. I passed my exams and was jumping for joy. I had nursed my son better. Then I did a 'good samaritan deed'. I helped the local mad drunk woman who had collapsed in the street. No one wanted to know her, but I took her in, bathed her but she offered me vodka. I began to drink the vodka and could not stop. I ended up in my bed paraletic. Then and my kids were there, I have to be honest!!!, they were in my bed asleep, but they were removed by two men who then proceeded to rape me, in my unconscious state. I remember it because the pain woke me up. And I kept on passing out. I reported it to the police and went through all the procedures. However, the Police Big Chief, said to me and I quote 'maybe they found you sexually attractive, |I know I do and maybe you led them on.' I did not. And from that point on I just went in the head and mind, body and spirit. It just left me. It resulted in us having to leave our house, but I had no where to run. I went back to where I came from, into the same shit hole I had left and began to take drugs and drink and ballooned in weight and did not care. Each day was a chore.
It never got to court, so all that was a complete waste of time. It never got to court because of my past and my sister, my background. Surely, i of all people would be able to differentiate between consensual sex and forced sex. I was raped. I felt worthless, truly worthless. Then I began to heavily drink and this has gone until now. Despite all this happening I have managed to go to University, study nursing (still getting bloody drunk after a day on the wards) got a good home with everything you need. Lost my driving licence, through failure to provide and a criminal record that saw me in court. So I can never nurse again. Then I said ENOUGH. I have had ENOUGH. At that is where I am at.
So when I rant and rave and call people names, it is not directed individually it is my soul crying out. That is what I have learnt. You know what, through all of this some higher power either angels, god or whatever has always looked out for me. I am truly blessed. Cos I will get better and I will conquer my foe. I am 42 now. Not old, maybe by Hollywood standards, but I am not. I did what I had to just to survive and now I want to live and be the best I can. So much more has gone on but that is just a brief outline. So MADDIVA LIKE EVERYONE ON HERE HAS HAD TRAGEDY. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE. UNDERSTANDING............
IF YOU GOT TO THIS POINT STAND UP FOR YOUR MEDALXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
THINK WHAT YOU WILL, WE ARE OCEANS APART IN SOME CASES, BUT NO ONE IS ANY BETTER OR ANYWORSE. WE ARE HUMANS IN A NASTY, COLD WORLD. WE HAVE TO MAKE IT WARMER.:thanks::h
To put a finer point on it. I can no longer continue like this cos I will die. It is that bad for me. Sometimes, only sometimes I fail to see beauty. I cannot understand things. I have to get better and I want to and that is my first port of call. Now it is just doing it. I have no choice. ALSO WHAT I MUST DO IS FIND OUT WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I HAVE BECOME SLIGHTLY ADDICTED TO THIS SITE AS PEOPLE ARE SO WARM AND I MUST GO FOR A WHILE TO TRY AND TAKE WHAT I HAVE LEARNT AND DECORATE MY HOME AS I HAVE FOUND THE WHITE CHRISTMAS TREE AND THAT SIMPLE THING HAS MADE ME HAPPY. I HAVE A DESIGN IN MY MIND.
What i have learnt from reading all your posts and stories is that each and everyone of us is not 'dysfunctional' we have all had this mass overload of rubbish dumped on us, be it a child dying or a loved one or bad past even the slightest bad name can resonate off those who may not feel worthy. It is all relative cos I am learning I am not alone, and there are not many I could tell my story to, because as soon as you start to you can see the looks. I have been called prostitute. Whore and the names. People have crossed the street when they have seen me. That hurts the most. I do not stagger around in stilletos unless it is an occasion called for. I am more happy mucking animals out. So they can judge me as they wish, cos they are not my judge. Yet, you know what I am not bad. I like walking, singing, theatres, museums, learning, living, I love animals. I loved nursing cos people said to me 'you are so nice' and that helped me realise that I was nice. For so long I have felt horrid, evil and like a judas. A misfit in a society of socially inept people, and I am not saying that to any of you. I am saying that to the souls who have had this picture book life, those who can never see beyond their picket fences, until of course it hits them. Cos life is the greatest equalizer. Like everyone here I need acceptance for who and what I am. At present I am at this place called 'crossroads'. I have lost myself. BUT WHAT I AM IS A SURVIVOR AND I HAVE NO WRINKLES, SO HEY THAT IS A START.
It never got to court, so all that was a complete waste of time. It never got to court because of my past and my sister, my background. Surely, i of all people would be able to differentiate between consensual sex and forced sex. I was raped. I felt worthless, truly worthless. Then I began to heavily drink and this has gone until now. Despite all this happening I have managed to go to University, study nursing (still getting bloody drunk after a day on the wards) got a good home with everything you need. Lost my driving licence, through failure to provide and a criminal record that saw me in court. So I can never nurse again. Then I said ENOUGH. I have had ENOUGH. At that is where I am at.
So when I rant and rave and call people names, it is not directed individually it is my soul crying out. That is what I have learnt. You know what, through all of this some higher power either angels, god or whatever has always looked out for me. I am truly blessed. Cos I will get better and I will conquer my foe. I am 42 now. Not old, maybe by Hollywood standards, but I am not. I did what I had to just to survive and now I want to live and be the best I can. So much more has gone on but that is just a brief outline. So MADDIVA LIKE EVERYONE ON HERE HAS HAD TRAGEDY. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE. UNDERSTANDING............
IF YOU GOT TO THIS POINT STAND UP FOR YOUR MEDALXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
THINK WHAT YOU WILL, WE ARE OCEANS APART IN SOME CASES, BUT NO ONE IS ANY BETTER OR ANYWORSE. WE ARE HUMANS IN A NASTY, COLD WORLD. WE HAVE TO MAKE IT WARMER.:thanks::h
To put a finer point on it. I can no longer continue like this cos I will die. It is that bad for me. Sometimes, only sometimes I fail to see beauty. I cannot understand things. I have to get better and I want to and that is my first port of call. Now it is just doing it. I have no choice. ALSO WHAT I MUST DO IS FIND OUT WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I HAVE BECOME SLIGHTLY ADDICTED TO THIS SITE AS PEOPLE ARE SO WARM AND I MUST GO FOR A WHILE TO TRY AND TAKE WHAT I HAVE LEARNT AND DECORATE MY HOME AS I HAVE FOUND THE WHITE CHRISTMAS TREE AND THAT SIMPLE THING HAS MADE ME HAPPY. I HAVE A DESIGN IN MY MIND.
What i have learnt from reading all your posts and stories is that each and everyone of us is not 'dysfunctional' we have all had this mass overload of rubbish dumped on us, be it a child dying or a loved one or bad past even the slightest bad name can resonate off those who may not feel worthy. It is all relative cos I am learning I am not alone, and there are not many I could tell my story to, because as soon as you start to you can see the looks. I have been called prostitute. Whore and the names. People have crossed the street when they have seen me. That hurts the most. I do not stagger around in stilletos unless it is an occasion called for. I am more happy mucking animals out. So they can judge me as they wish, cos they are not my judge. Yet, you know what I am not bad. I like walking, singing, theatres, museums, learning, living, I love animals. I loved nursing cos people said to me 'you are so nice' and that helped me realise that I was nice. For so long I have felt horrid, evil and like a judas. A misfit in a society of socially inept people, and I am not saying that to any of you. I am saying that to the souls who have had this picture book life, those who can never see beyond their picket fences, until of course it hits them. Cos life is the greatest equalizer. Like everyone here I need acceptance for who and what I am. At present I am at this place called 'crossroads'. I have lost myself. BUT WHAT I AM IS A SURVIVOR AND I HAVE NO WRINKLES, SO HEY THAT IS A START.
?We are one another's angels? 
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