- I?m sure I?m not alone with this issue. My story follows the letter. I wish everyone a successful and painless outcome on this program>
Hello RJ
Firstly, I?m so glad you have found your way out! And especially glad that you are the kind of person that has empathy enough to want to help others, and the brains enough to develop a program. I am hopeful after reading your book cover-to-cover that I will be able to lead a ?normal? healthy life soon. My problem with alcohol is very similar to what you describe in your book. Unfortunately, I have a very real obstacle that I do not know how to get around in order to start this program. I am pursuing a professional license that would not allow me to check ?Yes? to any question on their form such as, ?have you ever been treated for alcohol or drug addiction?? ...etc. Even though I have a problem, I have been able to check ?No? without worries of being ?made.? . . . On the other hand, I feel that this problem is only progressing and I want my life back. I have an appointment with my physician this Thursday for a basic wellness exam. I have been staying awake at night grappling with the idea of coming out at the risk of everything just to get the Topamax prescription. Unfortunately, I do not think that medical records are very confidential. I have tried Moderation Management a couple of years ago privately, but could not make it past the abstaining period. I have a wonderful husband, great family and friends, empowering career, no money worries, and yet I find myself centering and re-arranging all my activities around the availability of alcohol. I hardly plan anything that interferes with drinking time. My question is simply, how can I try this program using prescription Topamax without outing my problem with alcohol?
Thank you again! DMarie
If the hardest part is admitting to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol than I have gotten over that a few years ago (and I probably had the suspicion a while before that). I have always drank. I can without reservation say that alcohol is the reason I exist! That is because my mother and father were most likely completely drunk when they got together as young teenagers and had me. My father, my mother (after her child and husband rearing days were over), both grandfathers, and both grandmothers all drank. It is what you got to do when you grew-up and what you got to sneak around with when you were little. My grandfather?s were both successful in their careers, personable, and very happy drunks. They were never without a drink in their hand and a smile on their face. My grandmothers were complete opposites, one mean and always proper and the other nice and down-to-earth. But both always with a drink in their hand. My mother was too busy taking care of me and putting out fires from my dad?s drinking to enjoy a good drink for herself, for most of my childhood anyway. But, she made up for it when she divorced my dad and I was a little older - around 12 or 13. My dad was always very loving, fun, intelligent, hugely irresponsible, and mostly a professional student and dreamer that drank himself to a new liver in 1993. He was just 41 at the time of his transplant. I have a suspicion that maybe he did a little more than drink while in Vietnam, but I would never ask him that. Since his transplant, he has settled down and not touched a drink since. He seems happy and healthy considering. But I feel sad for him. I mean, he can?t ever go to parties and really have fun like I can. Or go camping and drink beer around the camp fire till the wee hours of the morning with friends. He will always be branded an alcoholic. And I feel sad for me too. I love him so much and he is such an interesting person to be around. But, because I would never drink around him, I find excuses why I can?t make it for dinner, or a movie, or any other activity that we?d both enjoy if only I could drink while doing it. This saddens me. I almost lost him a decade ago and now we have a second chance and I?d rather pour myself a nice tall rum & coke in the comforts of my own nice home. I am going to be 37 this year. I have thankfully never been branded an alcoholic! (Ha) I have been a lot of places, done a lot of things, both over-seas and in the States. I lived in Germany in my early twenties and I was fit, career minded, and healthy. I was quite proud of myself because this little gal could drink any good German under the table! I was also running ~5k a day, going to school, and going to work. I used to say those that work really hard get to play really hard. Even though I drank a lot, I had everything under control then. I could drink and drink and still not seem ?drunk.? I attributed how well I held my liquor to good Irish genes. I used to tell a joke about how to tell the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake... there?s one less drunk at the wake. Of course, I?d be on my 3rd of however many beers when I started telling jokes. And please, no disrespect intended for my Irish cousins. Well, my tolerance has only improved since those good ol? days. It was only beer and wine then. Now I find that Rum and cokes are my drink. I still love a good bottle of Merlot and I like to mix it with club soda and make a nice tall spritzer. OK, I have to stop writing about drinks now or I will sabotage my sobriety. I have not had a drink in a couple of days (I?m on a roll it seems).        
A few years ago I started to drink even more than I was comfortable with (and that?s a lot). My husband of many years who is so compassionate and supportive could never really understand the pain I was going through. We have had fertility problems. We knew about this early on and have tried in-vitro a couple of times with no success. The last attempt was a few years ago when I found that I would probably never be able to use my own eggs (have my own biological children). During my invitro attempts I was able to abstain from alcohol whenever the Dr told me to, and I was pleased that I was able to do this with little effort. I believe it was easy to abstain then because I had a mission, focus, and I had a goal that had a completion date. I was always a strong willed and capable type. And you bet I rationalized and used these bouts of prolonged sobriety to tell myself ?see you don?t have a problem with alcohol, you just like it a lot - but you can stop anytime you want.? Yeah, you?re not an alcoholic! Even my husband believed me. After that last attempt, I found myself in riskier and riskier situations and always involving alcohol and always to dull the depressive emotions I had. This lasted about a year and thankfully I pulled myself out of it before I destroyed myself or my marriage. I know first hand that alcohol, depression, and hormones are a very bad combination!
Well, I already mentioned my great supportive husband (who rarely drinks - so I always have a designated driver when out), and my depressive year of loss and lamenting is behind me, I have wonderful friends who all enjoy a drink or two (but I think they actually stop after that), and I?ve got a fulfilling career - so why do I feel the need to tailor all my activities around drink or the availability of drinks!
I tried the Moderation Management with ?moderate? success. I abstain for a while, then I am comfortable and proud of myself for being able to fight the urge. Then I go out and have just 1 (to reassure myself I can). Then I?m invited to a girls evening and I?m back to drinking until I go to sleep. But, Moderation Management did help me for a while, because it made me completely aware and on guard of my drinking. But, it didn?t help that ever-present, ever-nagging, ever-dreaded desire to drink. If anyone asks - like doctors, I say I drink moderately. A few glasses 3 times a week. Well, it?s more like 5 times a week in a good week ...and one of my rum & cokes, in a tumbler with a straw and ice-cubes, would not really be considered ?one? drink by any stretch of the imagination. But it is so easy and natural for me to fall into a routine of drinking a few of these every evening. I have even fallen into a very risky behavior of late of keeping a bottle in the car for after work. I?ll pour one of these for the commute home (I justify this behavior as ?I am only breaking the open-container-law and I?m definitely not driving under the influence - my commute doesn?t give me enough time to get a buz going). My tolerance is way up there. I repulse myself with this behavior but the rationale makes enough sense to me that I let it happen again and again. I just don?t want to think that I am capable of the next step in this progressive problem.
I hate this constant focus on alcohol. I can?t wait to get started on this program! I am in full forward motion towards my normal healthy lifestyle and I know it will happen. I may even try in-vitro again (with donor eggs) and actually be glad that my ?good Irish genes? are not going to take control of another innocent!
Thanks for reading (it was very therapeutic for me),
DMarie
Hello RJ
Firstly, I?m so glad you have found your way out! And especially glad that you are the kind of person that has empathy enough to want to help others, and the brains enough to develop a program. I am hopeful after reading your book cover-to-cover that I will be able to lead a ?normal? healthy life soon. My problem with alcohol is very similar to what you describe in your book. Unfortunately, I have a very real obstacle that I do not know how to get around in order to start this program. I am pursuing a professional license that would not allow me to check ?Yes? to any question on their form such as, ?have you ever been treated for alcohol or drug addiction?? ...etc. Even though I have a problem, I have been able to check ?No? without worries of being ?made.? . . . On the other hand, I feel that this problem is only progressing and I want my life back. I have an appointment with my physician this Thursday for a basic wellness exam. I have been staying awake at night grappling with the idea of coming out at the risk of everything just to get the Topamax prescription. Unfortunately, I do not think that medical records are very confidential. I have tried Moderation Management a couple of years ago privately, but could not make it past the abstaining period. I have a wonderful husband, great family and friends, empowering career, no money worries, and yet I find myself centering and re-arranging all my activities around the availability of alcohol. I hardly plan anything that interferes with drinking time. My question is simply, how can I try this program using prescription Topamax without outing my problem with alcohol?
Thank you again! DMarie
If the hardest part is admitting to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol than I have gotten over that a few years ago (and I probably had the suspicion a while before that). I have always drank. I can without reservation say that alcohol is the reason I exist! That is because my mother and father were most likely completely drunk when they got together as young teenagers and had me. My father, my mother (after her child and husband rearing days were over), both grandfathers, and both grandmothers all drank. It is what you got to do when you grew-up and what you got to sneak around with when you were little. My grandfather?s were both successful in their careers, personable, and very happy drunks. They were never without a drink in their hand and a smile on their face. My grandmothers were complete opposites, one mean and always proper and the other nice and down-to-earth. But both always with a drink in their hand. My mother was too busy taking care of me and putting out fires from my dad?s drinking to enjoy a good drink for herself, for most of my childhood anyway. But, she made up for it when she divorced my dad and I was a little older - around 12 or 13. My dad was always very loving, fun, intelligent, hugely irresponsible, and mostly a professional student and dreamer that drank himself to a new liver in 1993. He was just 41 at the time of his transplant. I have a suspicion that maybe he did a little more than drink while in Vietnam, but I would never ask him that. Since his transplant, he has settled down and not touched a drink since. He seems happy and healthy considering. But I feel sad for him. I mean, he can?t ever go to parties and really have fun like I can. Or go camping and drink beer around the camp fire till the wee hours of the morning with friends. He will always be branded an alcoholic. And I feel sad for me too. I love him so much and he is such an interesting person to be around. But, because I would never drink around him, I find excuses why I can?t make it for dinner, or a movie, or any other activity that we?d both enjoy if only I could drink while doing it. This saddens me. I almost lost him a decade ago and now we have a second chance and I?d rather pour myself a nice tall rum & coke in the comforts of my own nice home. I am going to be 37 this year. I have thankfully never been branded an alcoholic! (Ha) I have been a lot of places, done a lot of things, both over-seas and in the States. I lived in Germany in my early twenties and I was fit, career minded, and healthy. I was quite proud of myself because this little gal could drink any good German under the table! I was also running ~5k a day, going to school, and going to work. I used to say those that work really hard get to play really hard. Even though I drank a lot, I had everything under control then. I could drink and drink and still not seem ?drunk.? I attributed how well I held my liquor to good Irish genes. I used to tell a joke about how to tell the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake... there?s one less drunk at the wake. Of course, I?d be on my 3rd of however many beers when I started telling jokes. And please, no disrespect intended for my Irish cousins. Well, my tolerance has only improved since those good ol? days. It was only beer and wine then. Now I find that Rum and cokes are my drink. I still love a good bottle of Merlot and I like to mix it with club soda and make a nice tall spritzer. OK, I have to stop writing about drinks now or I will sabotage my sobriety. I have not had a drink in a couple of days (I?m on a roll it seems).        
A few years ago I started to drink even more than I was comfortable with (and that?s a lot). My husband of many years who is so compassionate and supportive could never really understand the pain I was going through. We have had fertility problems. We knew about this early on and have tried in-vitro a couple of times with no success. The last attempt was a few years ago when I found that I would probably never be able to use my own eggs (have my own biological children). During my invitro attempts I was able to abstain from alcohol whenever the Dr told me to, and I was pleased that I was able to do this with little effort. I believe it was easy to abstain then because I had a mission, focus, and I had a goal that had a completion date. I was always a strong willed and capable type. And you bet I rationalized and used these bouts of prolonged sobriety to tell myself ?see you don?t have a problem with alcohol, you just like it a lot - but you can stop anytime you want.? Yeah, you?re not an alcoholic! Even my husband believed me. After that last attempt, I found myself in riskier and riskier situations and always involving alcohol and always to dull the depressive emotions I had. This lasted about a year and thankfully I pulled myself out of it before I destroyed myself or my marriage. I know first hand that alcohol, depression, and hormones are a very bad combination!
Well, I already mentioned my great supportive husband (who rarely drinks - so I always have a designated driver when out), and my depressive year of loss and lamenting is behind me, I have wonderful friends who all enjoy a drink or two (but I think they actually stop after that), and I?ve got a fulfilling career - so why do I feel the need to tailor all my activities around drink or the availability of drinks!
I tried the Moderation Management with ?moderate? success. I abstain for a while, then I am comfortable and proud of myself for being able to fight the urge. Then I go out and have just 1 (to reassure myself I can). Then I?m invited to a girls evening and I?m back to drinking until I go to sleep. But, Moderation Management did help me for a while, because it made me completely aware and on guard of my drinking. But, it didn?t help that ever-present, ever-nagging, ever-dreaded desire to drink. If anyone asks - like doctors, I say I drink moderately. A few glasses 3 times a week. Well, it?s more like 5 times a week in a good week ...and one of my rum & cokes, in a tumbler with a straw and ice-cubes, would not really be considered ?one? drink by any stretch of the imagination. But it is so easy and natural for me to fall into a routine of drinking a few of these every evening. I have even fallen into a very risky behavior of late of keeping a bottle in the car for after work. I?ll pour one of these for the commute home (I justify this behavior as ?I am only breaking the open-container-law and I?m definitely not driving under the influence - my commute doesn?t give me enough time to get a buz going). My tolerance is way up there. I repulse myself with this behavior but the rationale makes enough sense to me that I let it happen again and again. I just don?t want to think that I am capable of the next step in this progressive problem.
I hate this constant focus on alcohol. I can?t wait to get started on this program! I am in full forward motion towards my normal healthy lifestyle and I know it will happen. I may even try in-vitro again (with donor eggs) and actually be glad that my ?good Irish genes? are not going to take control of another innocent!
Thanks for reading (it was very therapeutic for me),
DMarie
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