I am sober.
I am clear headed.
I am hopeful..
How many times have I woken up, fuzzy headed, ashamed, pitiful, afraid to move, my body wracked with nausea, my mind filled with self loathing.
Do I still want that?
No, never, never ever again.
I am writing this for myself and maybe for anyone else tempted to make that quick stop at the pub, bottle store or wine shelf at the family super market.
My grandmother died of alcoholic cirrosis, my father died, aged 40 of alcoholic cirrosis, my brother is dying of alcoholic cirrosis. You would think that I would know better:durn:
Drinking has helped me to avoid my life. It has deprived me of true courage. It has filled my mind with false hope, wishful thinking and a pattern of avoidance that is damning.
I would say that I started drinking to escape a very abusive marriage. Instead of packing up and leaving, I chose to numbout. By the time I did pack up with my children and walk out, I had developed a very bad habit. I had learnt to numb out.
A few years ago, I made a very poor decision. I could blame the banks, the changing economy, Eskom (South Africa's electricity provider), but if I am to be honest, I must blame my addiction that robbed me of my capacity to think clearly 24/7. As a result of this I lost everything and am having to start again when most people my age are thinking of retirement.
When I don't drink I am enthusiastic, funny, energetic, warm and empathic. I have a capacity for hard work. My children say that I am like a Border Collie, always looking for a challenge, tail wagging with a zest for adventure.
When I drink, I am a procrastinating, self pitying, wishful thinking, lazy lump.
How do I drink? Frequently, secretly, sometimes a top up alcoholic who goes through the day, never sober, but also never apparently drunk. And then sometimes I binge. I will forget where I hid the last bottle. I will drink until I wake up, to realise that I had passed out.
I will drink until I vomit.
I will pray for deliverance and then stop at the bottle store.
I have been on ante buse, and planned my relapses.
and so, here I am, on my forth day, free ... so far.
I have been given a business opportunity that has a great chance of working, but it will take energy, focus and perseverance. My addiction robs me of all three.
This might be my last chance.
I do believe that this forum is heaven sent. I have tried AA, but it just did not grab me. I have been so impressed with the support given here. I need this space where I can be honest and read my own words.
I need other people's stories, I need to feel less alone.. and when I am stronger, I need to give back.
Thank you:thanks:
I am clear headed.
I am hopeful..
How many times have I woken up, fuzzy headed, ashamed, pitiful, afraid to move, my body wracked with nausea, my mind filled with self loathing.
Do I still want that?
No, never, never ever again.
I am writing this for myself and maybe for anyone else tempted to make that quick stop at the pub, bottle store or wine shelf at the family super market.
My grandmother died of alcoholic cirrosis, my father died, aged 40 of alcoholic cirrosis, my brother is dying of alcoholic cirrosis. You would think that I would know better:durn:
Drinking has helped me to avoid my life. It has deprived me of true courage. It has filled my mind with false hope, wishful thinking and a pattern of avoidance that is damning.
I would say that I started drinking to escape a very abusive marriage. Instead of packing up and leaving, I chose to numbout. By the time I did pack up with my children and walk out, I had developed a very bad habit. I had learnt to numb out.
A few years ago, I made a very poor decision. I could blame the banks, the changing economy, Eskom (South Africa's electricity provider), but if I am to be honest, I must blame my addiction that robbed me of my capacity to think clearly 24/7. As a result of this I lost everything and am having to start again when most people my age are thinking of retirement.
When I don't drink I am enthusiastic, funny, energetic, warm and empathic. I have a capacity for hard work. My children say that I am like a Border Collie, always looking for a challenge, tail wagging with a zest for adventure.
When I drink, I am a procrastinating, self pitying, wishful thinking, lazy lump.
How do I drink? Frequently, secretly, sometimes a top up alcoholic who goes through the day, never sober, but also never apparently drunk. And then sometimes I binge. I will forget where I hid the last bottle. I will drink until I wake up, to realise that I had passed out.
I will drink until I vomit.
I will pray for deliverance and then stop at the bottle store.
I have been on ante buse, and planned my relapses.
and so, here I am, on my forth day, free ... so far.
I have been given a business opportunity that has a great chance of working, but it will take energy, focus and perseverance. My addiction robs me of all three.
This might be my last chance.
I do believe that this forum is heaven sent. I have tried AA, but it just did not grab me. I have been so impressed with the support given here. I need this space where I can be honest and read my own words.
I need other people's stories, I need to feel less alone.. and when I am stronger, I need to give back.
Thank you:thanks:
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