Her's hoping!

[Guest]

Well, here I am! I knew I was headed here but I'm still surprised and dsigusted in myself that I have not been able to control my life's path. I am a 42 year old Australian woman. I have three wonderful children, a partner I absolutely adore, a University education, a good job and a serious problem with alcohol.

I have never been able to have just one drink but at times in my life I have been able to either not drink or binge drink on weekends. That is no longer possible and my pre dinner drink had become and whole bottle of wine in about 20 minutes. The rest of the evening is scary, and every morning absolute hell.

After many years of misery in a totally inappropriate relationship I came through counselling and finally put my life in a reasonable order, although I had started to drink more regularly than ever before. My mother died suddenly two years ago and she was my treasured friend, and the only person who knew exactly who I was. Of course the excuse to drink more after her death isn?t going to be a surprise to anyone. So for a solid five years I have been drinking heavily but the last two the most ever. I had a very brief time out when my partner and I first began last year but we don?t live together so my drinking is very easy to hide. Ever had a bottle of wine hidden behind your toilet when you have a visitor? By the next morning I don?t even remember going to bed most nights as once my love goes to his place I drink even more. I have been caught out recently by answering the phone and not even remembering it had rung let alone who it was and what was said. Recently I got caught out by a work colleague and one time it was my beautiful man who was away on business and I had to lie about it. Sometimes I am disgusting!

I was driving to work two days ago after an absolute bender, knowing I had to do something quickly because I feel so sick all the time and I had an ?episode? last week. I can?t put this much energy into getting alcohol and justifying why anymore. I?m exhausted mentally with the challenge and physically sick from the affect. I had heard that there was a drug to help alcoholics so decided to search the net and see what I could find out about meds and support to stop drinking. I found this site and I cannot tell you the excitement I felt. The computer crashed once and I hadn?t saved the site address but had read heaps and felt sick to my stomach. It had so much of me in there I was horrified. I found it again, purchased the download and couldn?t stop reading. I drove to my doctor before going home that very day- and took the book with me and discussed my options. He couldn?t believe it and kept asking me questions about how I manage. Question like who cooks food for your children? I do, of course. How do you get to work? I drive myself, of course. Who keeps your house? I do, of course. The fact is I do everything I have to do, and always have. I just get loaded whilst I?m doing what I have to. I never drink during the day at work and never have the urge to do so. The urge happens around 3pm when home time is looming.

So I now have Campral, herbs and will contact the recommended support centre. I hope that I can remain as totally repulsed by alcohol as I am right now but I?m being realistic about my condition. I want a life I can enjoy and control, I want to enjoy the people around me and I want them to enjoy me.

I am so relieved that I no longer have to worry about how I?m going to get enough to drink. Yesterday and today have been the most wonderful hours I have spent in such a long time. I want this more than anything so here?s hoping!

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Her's hoping!

Hi and welcome. There's lots of us out there!!!!
Let us know how you go.
Brigid

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Your story

Oh, JWP, your story is my story and many others'. We function, we do, we take care of everyone, but slowly we make ourselves sick and exhausted and full of self hate. You've come to the right place, it's a great program and the Board is such a wonderful place. It's a very healing program, all components of it. Gradually you will feel better, physically, mentally and emotionally.I have found that the Campral gives a leg up along with the supplements and exercise! And of course the CD's, which many people find critical!

Your comment about wine behind the toilet brought back a memory for me. When I was in college, I took a graduate level course in psychology. A friend of mine, also in the class, and I had to lead a weekly discussion group of some sort, I can't even remember what kind. We were so anxious about it, we hid a thermos of Black Russians (vodka and kahlua) in the toilet tank! Talk about pathetic!

All the best to you and keep posting.

Ann

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

I am so inspired by your courage and motivation! You really took charge and I am happy you are reaping the benefits. I am on Campral also, and what a relief it is truely.

Please keep us posted on your progress, what a joy it really is to be free!

Janet

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

I made it through the weekend!

I don't know if this is the right place to post, if it isn't please let me know.

Thanks to those who responded to my first post. It makes a difference to know that I have support from others who actually live the issue. I do have the support of my family and I even told my partner about my situation over the weekend. Of course he was very supportive but doesn't really believe I have such a huge problem. He doesn't see what happens when he isn't there! I'm not kidding myself though, so let him have his say and remained strong about not drinking at all and living the program completely. I had quite a few social things to attend and I never once thought of even having a drop. In fact I was really put off by the smell which helped I guess. Perhaps the memory of how sick I was feeling is still in my subconscious. The Campral must be doing its stuff but I do wonder if it is too early to notice a difference because of meds. Whatever has 'clicked' inside my head is very welcome!

I cannot believe how much more full my life is when I don't drink. I have seen my family more (only one child still at home) and my life is so much more ordered and calm. I treasure this space and know I enjoy it much more than when I drink, so I hope I can maintain this feeling. I know there are going to be harder times but I will try to remember how much I value the things I have mentioned and use that as a tool to keep me focused. I even started to restore some furniture I have intended to get to for a very long time.

My sleep has been varied and I have had some awful dreams. My partner woke me on Saturday night to see if I was alright because I was crying in my sleep! I get tongue tied a lot and can't remember words I need to use and I get really, really tired. I know these are some of the things other people have mentioned when they stop drinking, so I'm not stressing too much about them. I am a bit jumpy and hope this settles down. I cannot believe how many noises a house makes at night though! I have been exercising and I have stocked the house with fresh fruit and vegetable and tonnes of bottled water.

So far, I'm empowered and on track! I wish everyone who is embracing this program (or any), in the hope to have control over alcohol, all my best wishes! Please let me know if I can help in any way.

Again, THANK YOU!!

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Seems to me having looked at this web site for a while and reading everyones stuff that there are a lot of "high achievers" myself included who are keeping everything going on the outside but are "losers" on the inside - no disrespect intended. I see people sitting in cafes and having a glass of wine and I look at them and think I wish that could be me it looks so nice and normal but I know if that was me and if I had one I would have to keep going..... So I never drink at lunch as what would be the point of having one drink! and never go to work functions (using kids committments as excuse) as would just get totally pissed and make a complete fool of myself not to mention the risk to my employment income. Not sure where I am going with what the hell....

m

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

cant figure our how to post my story but figure you guys are all asleep anyway as its night time NZ time. My story is pretty typical my parents didnt do any bad stuff to me i was always a greedy pig from DNA. Instant gratification at an early age (they spoiled me) and cant deprive myself of anything since then (I eldest of six so not only child syndrome). Am 43 now and have had a good life but am greedy pig - more is always better. I love and hate drink. Unfortunately being Irish (drink is cultural hazard ) and by default Catholic (non practicing - too exhausting all that self flagelation) am inbued with guilt and desire for absolution.... I am a perfectionist in so many ways (hah!) and therefore failure is so BIG. Keeping it all going on the outside but on the inside feel like big (drunken) eejit......
m

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

I can totally relate. My drinking was going weeks, months, sometimes even years with no drinking, and then binge drinking! There are things that I simply felt I could not do without drinking that I am hoping to change with the hypnotic suggestions! Such as writing! When I was getting my masters I had to write a final exam at the university. I didn't dare drive drunk of course. So I packed a bottle of wine and a glass, sat in the parking lot, drank a couple of glasses, went in, took the exam and passed with flying colors. Tell me that isn't SAD!!! And don't we all have the same story. Welcome to this program because we are all beginning to change our stories and decide who we will be from now on. And I'm finding it so exciting! Love, Adria

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

I have been drinking since I was 13 years old. At first it was just partying in high school on the weekends. Having blackouts was fun! (little did I know) ... I was in a car accident(due to alcohol), then kicked out of university (too much partying). I did finish university, got married, had kids. And now even finished my masters and have a great career. BUT I still fight this demon.
AA was not for me. I found the people who went there were not 'like me'. I am a highly functioning drinker. I can't say I have 'hit bottom' but I need to have control over drinking.

I have to be SO careful when I drink around 'other' people. I WISH I could have just one or two drinks....Last Thursday after my husband's Christmas party -sit down dinner, unlimited wine-waiter kept serving wine until we left, I was going to drink 'just one' but drank 'just around 6'. I remember leaving but don't remember talking to my kids before they went to bed AND I woke up feeling hungover (2nd time that week, of course)

ANYWAY...I found this website, bought the vitamins, ordered the book and tapes and hopefully will not have another hangover or black out session EVER again. I hate losing control, I so hope this works. To be able to just have a glass or two without getting blasted would be incredible!

My doctor would not prescribe me Topa because he said he did not know that it helped with alcoholism. (I even hate to use the word) I am hopeful that I will get through this without them otherwise I will have to find another doctor. In the meantime I hope the other herbal stuff and vitamins work.

Thank you everyone for your stories, I really find them helpful. I see that I am not the only one in pain. Together, we can beat this demon.
Love,
Bobbie

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

Hi Bobbie,

Welcome to the board; you'll find lots of wisdom and support here.
If you don't like the word "alcoholism" then don't use it. No labels necessary, hence the program's subtitle "A new and integrative approach to treat problem drinking." You wouldn't be here if you didn't think you have a problem drinking. A drinking problem. Whatever. It's just semantics as far as I'm concerned.

You sound like an intelligent woman who knows you don't have to "hit bottom" and lose everything you value before you deal with this problem. I'm in a similar situation in that I have a supportive husband and great kids but enough was enough. I haven't had a drink since around late October (I don't keep track); I started with all the supplements, especially kudzu and l-glutamine right from the beginning and have been taking the Topamax since Dec.12. The cravings had decreased in frequency but not in intensity and I was tired of the energy they took to fight them. Anyway so far so good.

Wishing you all the best.

Kate

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

Hi Bobbie,
I couldnt agree with Kate more. I'm 43 and in the same boat as you.. and in Australia (if that helps). I really dont want to hit rock bottom.. I read stories on the web (and here) of people doing things and I thought, if I let this go on, that could be me as I already recognised that something was up, no matter how hard I tried to hide it... and I also thought.. it will be hard to stop whenever I do, but harder the longer I keep going on the booze so I stopped. I was so exhausted on the booze and so tired of it all, it was awful. Unlike Kate, I do keep track and havent drunk since November 1 (7 weeks today).. and it DOES get easier, but for me in my way out I have to do counselling as well and have had to engage my husband's help.

I wonder what your way will be and wish you luck with it.
Brigid

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

Thank you Kate and Brigid. I appreciate your comments, they give me strength. Now drinking has started in full force, parties every night since it is Christmas. I know it is the same other places too. One thing I find hard is that people expect me to drink because I have for so long. If I say 'no thanks' they look at me with disbelief and say 'oh come on' or something like that. I know part of my trouble is that I am so social and love to be 'the life of the party'.
So wierd because I feel so awful afterwards. It will be nice to stop beating myself up so much.
I have started taking Kudzu and I glutamine too. I haven't been able to order the ALL ONE vitamins maybe because I am in Canada. We will see how the tapes work. It is reassuring to know that this has worked for other people. Thanks again.

Bobbie

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

Hi Bobbie,

I absolutely relate to your situation and I bet lots of people on this site do as well. It is so good to have this place to come to for strength and support.

Yepsy, the partying has started and it is really hard to say no thanks when everyone expets you to drink. I had my office lunch and drinks today and made it through. I organised the entertainment as I'm the 'life of the party' usually and everyone expects me to be! I was worried I wouldn't enjoy myself or be my 'usual' self without alcohol but I am realising I am who I am even without a load on board! And, it is really empowering, comforting and a whole lot more fun the next morning!

Good luck with your plan and I hope it is as painless as possible for you. It isn't easy every day, but every day you make it through the feeling of success grows and that in itself is so worth it. I have made it to day 11, not that I'm counting or anything......

Some days you may not make it through and that is ok too....

Be kind to yourself, it is very important.

Love, Amanda.

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

Hi Amanda.
11 days is not to be sniffed at.. and it IS empowering to hold out on the drink and not to feel bad the next morning isnt it? Great news and keep up the good work....
Brigid

[Guest]

Her's hoping!

Re: Your story

Amanda, 11 days is great, especially after going to an office function. It is amazing how we can still be 'fun' without drinking. It is true, we don't need alcohol to be the life of the party. People can think what they want of us if we don't drink, or only have one. As long as we can wake up in the morning and not hate ourselves.
Brigid, I hope things are going well for you too.
I really think all these herbs and vitamins I am taking are helping me. I don't get this thing in my brain that says "I would really like some wine". I am enjoying really 'being there' with my family and not 'out of it' because I have had a couple of glasses or MORE. It has only been a few days for me but I already feel empowered and I know I can beat this thing.