Ok, here's my story. I'm 42 and I grew up in Southern California in a very comfortable, middle-class neighborhood. My siblings and I were picture perfect, perfectly behaved, studious, athletic, and this was just as my mother created it in a very controlled environment. It was a very "what will the neighbors say" kind of upbringing, which is one of the reasons that I view failure as insurmountable and any problems must be kept excrutiatingly private.
My father was a functional alcoholic. He went to work everyday and came home to his family everynight and drank beer. He was a "nice" drinker, never, ever abusing any of us physically or emotionally (intentionally). He died when I was a teenager of lung cancer and I'm pretty sure that his smoking and drinking and poor diet were his way of slowly killing himself. He never seemed happy and really didn't take steps to improve that situation.
I met my husband when I was 19 and we have been inseparable ever since. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary. He is my strength and my oxygen and I consider myself so fortunate that he came into my life.
I never drank until I was 21 and then my friends and I would go to bars on the weekends and I would have 1 maybe 2 drinks all evening. I was definately a "take it or leave it" type.
It simply wasn't an issue for me.
My husband and I went to college got our degrees, had a son who is now a teenager, and settled comfortably into our lives. My drinking was maybe a drink or two a month in a social setting. I never drank during periods of stress. It just didn't provide relief and it never really occured to me (imagine that!)
Fast Forward to about 6 years ago, I tried my first glass of wine and I really started to buy into the whole sophistication aspect of it. I really started to feel like I could fit into social situations much better and it served as a stress reliever, all while looking oh so elegant with the glass in my hand.
During this time, my husband got a job on an island paradise and we were so excited to have the opportunity.
I developed a set of friends (who I still find invaluable and in no way responsible for my addiction) who drink in social situations quite a lot. We got into the habit of going to the beach in the evening with a bottle of wine, "girl's nights out," birthday lunches, in which a glass of wine or two is par for the course. And giving and receiving bottles of wine as hostess gifts is a social must.
Well, along the way, something in me or my brain changed and I started needing that glass of wine everyday. I also started drinking wine like water, gulping it to get as much of a buzz as quickly as possible. My husband doesn't really drink- he's "normal," and I started drinking by myself before he'd get home and hiding the bottles in the bottom of the trash, etc. so he wouldn't know how much I was drinking.
I've never lied to my husband about anything, except for this damn drinking. He is the most important thing in my life and I choose a bottle over him. He tries to be supportive, but he just can't understand why I can't just stop.
My drinking has mushroomed into a bottle of wine a night habit and sometimes I drink more.
About 2 months ago after a binge in which I passed out, I made an appointment with a therapist and she and my doctor decided that I needed prozac because, (of course!), I'm drinking because I'm depressed. In fact, the opposite is true. I'm depressed because I'm drinking and I'm having trouble living with my inability to control it.
Anyway, I came upon this website about a month ago. Bought the book, CDs, supps and have been doing the program with some tweaks. I haven't been able to get the meds, my doctor just won't do it and I've had a couple of slips and about a week ago a pretty bad fall.
This island paradise that I live on is not particularly known for it's fabulous healthcare and there is only one rehab facility (not an option) and it's too small a place to do AA (I'm not much for the whole spirituality aspect anyhow), and I've yet to find an addiction specialist. I'm still looking, though. I'm determined to get Campral (the side effects of Topa just wouldn't work for me) and I really am looking to rid alcohol from my life all together.
As with many of you, none of my friends in a million would guess that I'm struggling with this. My son is 13 and noticing that mom is off sometimes and it is breaking my heart. I'm terrified that I've done irrevocable damage to him.
I'm also worried that I've done irrevocable damage to my marriage because I think at some level my husband probably thinks that you can't do this to someone you love. He will be the ultimate link to get me off booze, but it really has nothing to do with or against him. It's something inside of me.
The longest I've gone recently without alcohol is about 3 weeks. The ironic thing is that I had never felt better in my life during that 3 week period. But, I think about alcohol every hour of every day and I'm exhausted from it. And I talked myself into thinking that I could handle a drink, but I simply cannot. Because 1 drink is never enough.
So, that's where I'm at. This website and RJ's book have honestly been a lifeline to me in knowing that you all are out there and your stories are so similar to mine. I know I'm not alone and I know there is hope and I will get through this.
Oh and by the way, the "lovecarps" refers to my husband's nickname, not the fish. Although I would love a koi pond someday
Take care all,
Kel
My father was a functional alcoholic. He went to work everyday and came home to his family everynight and drank beer. He was a "nice" drinker, never, ever abusing any of us physically or emotionally (intentionally). He died when I was a teenager of lung cancer and I'm pretty sure that his smoking and drinking and poor diet were his way of slowly killing himself. He never seemed happy and really didn't take steps to improve that situation.
I met my husband when I was 19 and we have been inseparable ever since. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary. He is my strength and my oxygen and I consider myself so fortunate that he came into my life.
I never drank until I was 21 and then my friends and I would go to bars on the weekends and I would have 1 maybe 2 drinks all evening. I was definately a "take it or leave it" type.
It simply wasn't an issue for me.
My husband and I went to college got our degrees, had a son who is now a teenager, and settled comfortably into our lives. My drinking was maybe a drink or two a month in a social setting. I never drank during periods of stress. It just didn't provide relief and it never really occured to me (imagine that!)
Fast Forward to about 6 years ago, I tried my first glass of wine and I really started to buy into the whole sophistication aspect of it. I really started to feel like I could fit into social situations much better and it served as a stress reliever, all while looking oh so elegant with the glass in my hand.
During this time, my husband got a job on an island paradise and we were so excited to have the opportunity.
I developed a set of friends (who I still find invaluable and in no way responsible for my addiction) who drink in social situations quite a lot. We got into the habit of going to the beach in the evening with a bottle of wine, "girl's nights out," birthday lunches, in which a glass of wine or two is par for the course. And giving and receiving bottles of wine as hostess gifts is a social must.
Well, along the way, something in me or my brain changed and I started needing that glass of wine everyday. I also started drinking wine like water, gulping it to get as much of a buzz as quickly as possible. My husband doesn't really drink- he's "normal," and I started drinking by myself before he'd get home and hiding the bottles in the bottom of the trash, etc. so he wouldn't know how much I was drinking.
I've never lied to my husband about anything, except for this damn drinking. He is the most important thing in my life and I choose a bottle over him. He tries to be supportive, but he just can't understand why I can't just stop.
My drinking has mushroomed into a bottle of wine a night habit and sometimes I drink more.
About 2 months ago after a binge in which I passed out, I made an appointment with a therapist and she and my doctor decided that I needed prozac because, (of course!), I'm drinking because I'm depressed. In fact, the opposite is true. I'm depressed because I'm drinking and I'm having trouble living with my inability to control it.
Anyway, I came upon this website about a month ago. Bought the book, CDs, supps and have been doing the program with some tweaks. I haven't been able to get the meds, my doctor just won't do it and I've had a couple of slips and about a week ago a pretty bad fall.
This island paradise that I live on is not particularly known for it's fabulous healthcare and there is only one rehab facility (not an option) and it's too small a place to do AA (I'm not much for the whole spirituality aspect anyhow), and I've yet to find an addiction specialist. I'm still looking, though. I'm determined to get Campral (the side effects of Topa just wouldn't work for me) and I really am looking to rid alcohol from my life all together.
As with many of you, none of my friends in a million would guess that I'm struggling with this. My son is 13 and noticing that mom is off sometimes and it is breaking my heart. I'm terrified that I've done irrevocable damage to him.
I'm also worried that I've done irrevocable damage to my marriage because I think at some level my husband probably thinks that you can't do this to someone you love. He will be the ultimate link to get me off booze, but it really has nothing to do with or against him. It's something inside of me.
The longest I've gone recently without alcohol is about 3 weeks. The ironic thing is that I had never felt better in my life during that 3 week period. But, I think about alcohol every hour of every day and I'm exhausted from it. And I talked myself into thinking that I could handle a drink, but I simply cannot. Because 1 drink is never enough.
So, that's where I'm at. This website and RJ's book have honestly been a lifeline to me in knowing that you all are out there and your stories are so similar to mine. I know I'm not alone and I know there is hope and I will get through this.
Oh and by the way, the "lovecarps" refers to my husband's nickname, not the fish. Although I would love a koi pond someday
Take care all,
Kel
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