Last day:
Feeling a little ?after Christmas Blue?. Fighting, no giving into, a cold. Hemmed and hawed all Christmas day about calling my family. Two brothers and Mother. But hey the phone works both ways doesn?t it? They?ve never called me. I always call and talk with sister-in laws mostly. Feeling stuffy and not really wanting to talk I didn?t call. Mom was at one brother?s house for the week and so there is always a lot of family ?stuff? going on there with his five grown kids, spouses and grandkids. My daughter called me. My son is home from college. Why did I still have that ?empty? holiday feeling? Didn?t go to church on Chrsitmas eve because of that no energy feeling and didn?t want to go by myself and takes too much energy to talk hubby into going. So drank through out the day, wine and beer. Ah?. finally Christmas day was over. So what happened the day after Christmas. While fixing a late breakfast because I?ve been waking up in the middle of the night, snoring, coughing. Going down stairs, reading, coming to MWO and taking a couple of swigs of Nyquil. I find my self then sleeping down there from about 6 am to 9ish. So fixing a late breakfast for hubby and me. And I very sneakily had a beer. Opened it up with the water running, papertowl over the bottle cap to muffle the hissing-clink sound and poured it into an opaque cup. OK so then I had a second one because that one went down so fast. Hubby left for the golf course and I went to the store to buy two bottles of wine (for me) and a case of beer (for him..yea right) oh and disguise my purchase with food items. So I had the whole day to myself, son at work, hubby at golf course and two bottles of wine, a red and a white, and a case of Heineken in the fridge. Oh did I mention the wedding? We , well myself actually, had plans to attend a wedding at 5:30. Hubby didn?t really want to go. So I made plans to attend. Somehow during the day the bottle of white was finished off along with a couple of cold beers. Hubby came home and I left for the wedding. A wedding of two in their 50?s who met in grief group counseling after loosing their spouses last year. It was sweet. A traditional Episcopal service which I love because there is none of that goofyness that some weddings try to incorporate as some spiritual meaning. So on to the reception hall. I have not gone to church much since my kids grew up and out. I was the Sunday School Director for quite a few years when they were little. I don?t want to go by myself and hubby has to be dragged. So there were a lot of old acquaintances at the wedding. I realized that these people were not friends because when I didn?t go to church for year no one called me. Of course I was met at the doorway by a glass of champagne. Yuck but it represents a special occasion and celebration so?down the hatch as quickly as possible so I could get a glass of real wine.. And through the talking and socializing I had another one. And then I decided it was time to leave so I took another one out to the car and guzzled it and (this is so unlike me) through the plastic cup on the ground in the bushes. OK. So I am totally ?lit? driving home and know it. It is taking all my concentration to drive. I am seeing doubles of everything. Center line(s), road reflectors, stop lights. Trying so hard to not get caught. Names are quickly posted in the local newpaper police log for any infractions. But, I did it. I made it home. Scared s?tless. Tried to ?hide? from hubby. Actually I don?t really remember too much. So it was real easy not to drink today. Feeling saturated, poisoned, and sick. A little panic of not knowing where my cell phone was. It was on the car seat where I had put it the night before for easy access. Yea, like I might need to talk on the phone while driving in my condition. I know I can quit. I have before. I stopped when my daughter was in 8th grade and through out her high school years. It was one thing that I hated about my mother when I was that age. Funny but I was also drinking in my teens. There was always a liquor cabinet and open bottles of wine in the fridge. But then, my daughter was out of the house, off to college and so I started drinking again but hiding it from my son. Yeah right.. So one year ago I found MWO and stopped again until I had some physical pain like bursitus in my elbows, followed by carpel tunnel syndrome. I do not handle pain well, or so I tell myself, and so then really started drinking. Son left for college and I was ?free? to do what I liked. Kind of adolescent I know. But here I am, over the edge with my drinking. So the triggers are all there and I better learn how to cope with my life, disappointments, lonliness, failures, work stress and what ever bumps are on my path. The bottle of red is still waiting.
Feeling a little ?after Christmas Blue?. Fighting, no giving into, a cold. Hemmed and hawed all Christmas day about calling my family. Two brothers and Mother. But hey the phone works both ways doesn?t it? They?ve never called me. I always call and talk with sister-in laws mostly. Feeling stuffy and not really wanting to talk I didn?t call. Mom was at one brother?s house for the week and so there is always a lot of family ?stuff? going on there with his five grown kids, spouses and grandkids. My daughter called me. My son is home from college. Why did I still have that ?empty? holiday feeling? Didn?t go to church on Chrsitmas eve because of that no energy feeling and didn?t want to go by myself and takes too much energy to talk hubby into going. So drank through out the day, wine and beer. Ah?. finally Christmas day was over. So what happened the day after Christmas. While fixing a late breakfast because I?ve been waking up in the middle of the night, snoring, coughing. Going down stairs, reading, coming to MWO and taking a couple of swigs of Nyquil. I find my self then sleeping down there from about 6 am to 9ish. So fixing a late breakfast for hubby and me. And I very sneakily had a beer. Opened it up with the water running, papertowl over the bottle cap to muffle the hissing-clink sound and poured it into an opaque cup. OK so then I had a second one because that one went down so fast. Hubby left for the golf course and I went to the store to buy two bottles of wine (for me) and a case of beer (for him..yea right) oh and disguise my purchase with food items. So I had the whole day to myself, son at work, hubby at golf course and two bottles of wine, a red and a white, and a case of Heineken in the fridge. Oh did I mention the wedding? We , well myself actually, had plans to attend a wedding at 5:30. Hubby didn?t really want to go. So I made plans to attend. Somehow during the day the bottle of white was finished off along with a couple of cold beers. Hubby came home and I left for the wedding. A wedding of two in their 50?s who met in grief group counseling after loosing their spouses last year. It was sweet. A traditional Episcopal service which I love because there is none of that goofyness that some weddings try to incorporate as some spiritual meaning. So on to the reception hall. I have not gone to church much since my kids grew up and out. I was the Sunday School Director for quite a few years when they were little. I don?t want to go by myself and hubby has to be dragged. So there were a lot of old acquaintances at the wedding. I realized that these people were not friends because when I didn?t go to church for year no one called me. Of course I was met at the doorway by a glass of champagne. Yuck but it represents a special occasion and celebration so?down the hatch as quickly as possible so I could get a glass of real wine.. And through the talking and socializing I had another one. And then I decided it was time to leave so I took another one out to the car and guzzled it and (this is so unlike me) through the plastic cup on the ground in the bushes. OK. So I am totally ?lit? driving home and know it. It is taking all my concentration to drive. I am seeing doubles of everything. Center line(s), road reflectors, stop lights. Trying so hard to not get caught. Names are quickly posted in the local newpaper police log for any infractions. But, I did it. I made it home. Scared s?tless. Tried to ?hide? from hubby. Actually I don?t really remember too much. So it was real easy not to drink today. Feeling saturated, poisoned, and sick. A little panic of not knowing where my cell phone was. It was on the car seat where I had put it the night before for easy access. Yea, like I might need to talk on the phone while driving in my condition. I know I can quit. I have before. I stopped when my daughter was in 8th grade and through out her high school years. It was one thing that I hated about my mother when I was that age. Funny but I was also drinking in my teens. There was always a liquor cabinet and open bottles of wine in the fridge. But then, my daughter was out of the house, off to college and so I started drinking again but hiding it from my son. Yeah right.. So one year ago I found MWO and stopped again until I had some physical pain like bursitus in my elbows, followed by carpel tunnel syndrome. I do not handle pain well, or so I tell myself, and so then really started drinking. Son left for college and I was ?free? to do what I liked. Kind of adolescent I know. But here I am, over the edge with my drinking. So the triggers are all there and I better learn how to cope with my life, disappointments, lonliness, failures, work stress and what ever bumps are on my path. The bottle of red is still waiting.
I also check back for responses to my posts. I think that alot of us do. I have been a bit lax with my plan, but plan to get back on track, taking my supps, using the CDs, make an appt. with my therapist, improve my eating habits, and exercise. I would also like very much to get off the smokes. That will be a tough one. Will keep ya posted.
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