It's January 1st, 2009. A new day. A new year. And, hopefully, one full of enlightenment, love, sobriety, and hope. Here is my story.
I am a 47 year old woman. I am fortunate to have the love and support of a wonderful husband and a sweet loving 10 year old daughter. I have always enjoyed drinking. It has aways given me confidence. Something I have always lacked. I have always suffered from depression, lonliness, and low self esteem even though I have always had friends and was considered "popular" in high school and college. It was always an inner lonliness and a feeling that I just wasn't good enough.
I pushed myself academically to do the best I could do... again, to prove I was worthy of some love. I did well in school and am actually a physician. I chose a specialty, in retrospect, which would not involve any weekend work or "call" responsibilities so if I were drinking I would not put any patients at risk at any time. As many have mentioned, our social life revolved around alcohol. All of our friends drink. I am convinced that half of the women in this town are alcoholics, like me, but who am I to judge. My husband I like to golf and drink, BBQ and drink, parties by the pool and drink, go to football games and drink, go to the country club and drink. Everything we do involves drinking. Fortunately, my husband does not drink like I do. He will have 2 drinks and then switch to water... or a coke. Imagine that? His parents never drank and there is no alcoholism on his side of the family. My parents were pretty heavy drinkers, have cut down in there old age. No one with the "label" but it's there.
I was the one who could not stop drinking after my first sip in a day. If I started drinking at 4pm then I would keep drinking until I went to bed. During a work week, I would arrive home at 6pm daily and start drinking and drank until passing out at 10pm, only to start the cycle again the next day. Drinking would start early on the weekends, sometimes as early as 1pm. I intellectually knew how drinking was affecting my body, my skin was not looking as toned as it used to. I would periodically check my liver enzymes... fortunately,they were normal.. but knew that abnormal liver functions would usually show up when some significant damage had occurred so that did not really give me comfort. I knew that I was slowly killing myself but could not stop myself. I would promise myself every weekend that "Monday, I'm going to stop this", only to fail, again and again, and I cycled deeper into self-loathing and depression. I hated myself so much, I often wondered if my family would be better off without me. Then, I knew they relied upon me financially, so, for a "split second" I considered buying more life insurance.... and I thought... "I'm not really here for them anyway, am I?" That is when I KNEW that this had gone too far and I must get my life under control. My daughter needs a mother! How could I let this terrible beast Alcohol destroy my life like this?
Back in May, I found this site, went 21 days AF, and decided to Mod. I thought, this is so easy! I have this figured out. I went straight back to drinking daily. Now, I am here to be AF. I am going to my first AA meeting on Tuesday. I am serious about this now.
Yesterday, on New Years Eve, I had an experience at work that I hope to remember every day in 2009. A very sweet 62 year old woman came in to have some fluid removed from her abdomen. She has cirrhosis of the liver, from many, many years of alcohol abuse. She looked like she was pregnant with twins. She said she has been buying her pants in the maternity department. Her arms and legs were tiny. She had a warm smile, a beautiful face. Her eyes were sad. I numbed her skin and put the needle in to remove the fluid and we began to talk. She talked about all the people she had disappointed in her life with her alcohol use. She said her sister brought her to the clinic. She said she wished her sister didn't have to take care of her. She said she wished she had a support group for "cirrhosis". She wanted to talk to someone with cirrhosis. She said she felt so alone. I hugged her and I said "I don't have cirrhosis, but you are not alone". I will see her every 2 weeks for this procedure. I look forward to seeing her and hopefully comforting her. I empathized with the pain in her eyes. I have some comfort in knowing that she will have a good day today having gotten rid of all of that fluid. She said she hardly leaves the house but felt so good after we finished that she might meet a friend for dinner out. I removed 5 and a half liters of fluid from her abdomen. She is now in hospice care.
On a positive note, I am on day 17 AF. I am feeling well. I am engaged in my life. I am hugging my daughter and my husband more than ever. I am laughing and it feels good to laugh. I don't hate myself. I am exercising. I have lost a few lbs. I have set a goal to lose 10 lbs! My daughter and I made 3 dozen Christmas cookies, watched her favorite Christmas movies, went shopping instead of ordering everything online, and had a wonderful Christmas! As far as social events. We have been going to selected social events. I have not been drinking and have enjoyed them just the same. I haven't stayed as long, left when I felt the urge too strong.
Looking forward to a FANTASTIC alcohol free 2009.
I am a 47 year old woman. I am fortunate to have the love and support of a wonderful husband and a sweet loving 10 year old daughter. I have always enjoyed drinking. It has aways given me confidence. Something I have always lacked. I have always suffered from depression, lonliness, and low self esteem even though I have always had friends and was considered "popular" in high school and college. It was always an inner lonliness and a feeling that I just wasn't good enough.
I pushed myself academically to do the best I could do... again, to prove I was worthy of some love. I did well in school and am actually a physician. I chose a specialty, in retrospect, which would not involve any weekend work or "call" responsibilities so if I were drinking I would not put any patients at risk at any time. As many have mentioned, our social life revolved around alcohol. All of our friends drink. I am convinced that half of the women in this town are alcoholics, like me, but who am I to judge. My husband I like to golf and drink, BBQ and drink, parties by the pool and drink, go to football games and drink, go to the country club and drink. Everything we do involves drinking. Fortunately, my husband does not drink like I do. He will have 2 drinks and then switch to water... or a coke. Imagine that? His parents never drank and there is no alcoholism on his side of the family. My parents were pretty heavy drinkers, have cut down in there old age. No one with the "label" but it's there.
I was the one who could not stop drinking after my first sip in a day. If I started drinking at 4pm then I would keep drinking until I went to bed. During a work week, I would arrive home at 6pm daily and start drinking and drank until passing out at 10pm, only to start the cycle again the next day. Drinking would start early on the weekends, sometimes as early as 1pm. I intellectually knew how drinking was affecting my body, my skin was not looking as toned as it used to. I would periodically check my liver enzymes... fortunately,they were normal.. but knew that abnormal liver functions would usually show up when some significant damage had occurred so that did not really give me comfort. I knew that I was slowly killing myself but could not stop myself. I would promise myself every weekend that "Monday, I'm going to stop this", only to fail, again and again, and I cycled deeper into self-loathing and depression. I hated myself so much, I often wondered if my family would be better off without me. Then, I knew they relied upon me financially, so, for a "split second" I considered buying more life insurance.... and I thought... "I'm not really here for them anyway, am I?" That is when I KNEW that this had gone too far and I must get my life under control. My daughter needs a mother! How could I let this terrible beast Alcohol destroy my life like this?
Back in May, I found this site, went 21 days AF, and decided to Mod. I thought, this is so easy! I have this figured out. I went straight back to drinking daily. Now, I am here to be AF. I am going to my first AA meeting on Tuesday. I am serious about this now.
Yesterday, on New Years Eve, I had an experience at work that I hope to remember every day in 2009. A very sweet 62 year old woman came in to have some fluid removed from her abdomen. She has cirrhosis of the liver, from many, many years of alcohol abuse. She looked like she was pregnant with twins. She said she has been buying her pants in the maternity department. Her arms and legs were tiny. She had a warm smile, a beautiful face. Her eyes were sad. I numbed her skin and put the needle in to remove the fluid and we began to talk. She talked about all the people she had disappointed in her life with her alcohol use. She said her sister brought her to the clinic. She said she wished her sister didn't have to take care of her. She said she wished she had a support group for "cirrhosis". She wanted to talk to someone with cirrhosis. She said she felt so alone. I hugged her and I said "I don't have cirrhosis, but you are not alone". I will see her every 2 weeks for this procedure. I look forward to seeing her and hopefully comforting her. I empathized with the pain in her eyes. I have some comfort in knowing that she will have a good day today having gotten rid of all of that fluid. She said she hardly leaves the house but felt so good after we finished that she might meet a friend for dinner out. I removed 5 and a half liters of fluid from her abdomen. She is now in hospice care.
On a positive note, I am on day 17 AF. I am feeling well. I am engaged in my life. I am hugging my daughter and my husband more than ever. I am laughing and it feels good to laugh. I don't hate myself. I am exercising. I have lost a few lbs. I have set a goal to lose 10 lbs! My daughter and I made 3 dozen Christmas cookies, watched her favorite Christmas movies, went shopping instead of ordering everything online, and had a wonderful Christmas! As far as social events. We have been going to selected social events. I have not been drinking and have enjoyed them just the same. I haven't stayed as long, left when I felt the urge too strong.
Looking forward to a FANTASTIC alcohol free 2009.
ray:
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