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    Is there really hope?

    Wow, I can't believe there are so many others out there who are as miserable as I am. Can I really tell my story? I've been living a lie for so long and have told so many versions of it, I'll have to actually think about what is real. I have been a problem drinker for only about 2 years but it's been out of control for a year. I got a DUI last summer and was court ordered to go to treatment. So I went to outpatient treatment - was first introduced to the 12 steps - and I drank almost every night. My whole thing was "I'll quit tomorrow". So,I figured AA was the answer. So I started attended AA meetings - which I hated from the beginning. I would sit and stare at those big-ass posters and wonder why I was there. I hated having to say that I was new and I HATED having to say I was an alcoholic - even though I probably am. But AA teaches you that it's the ONLY way. If you don't follow their "program" - you basically have 2 choices - jail or death. So I kept going - because I wanted to feel better. But I HATED those meetings. And when I talked about how unhappy I was - someone would always say to me "fake it until you make it". My mother used to say that and it always pissed me off. My boyfriend at the time (who was Irish and drank more than anyone I've ever known) thought he was being supportive but when I asked him to help me by removing the alcohol from his house - he suddenly realized how hard it was going to be to be with me - and he dumped me. That sent me into another tailspin so my next answer was - I'll get a sponsor and start working the steps - that will keep me sober. So, I got a sponsor - and kept drinking almost every night - wondering what the hell was wrong with me and hating myself even more. So, at this point, I'm lying to my sponsor every day about how well I'm doing, I'm hiding my drinking from everyone - because everyone knows I'm not supposed to be drinking. Living alone has its advantages - and its disadvantages, obviously. It really escalated in January of this year when it became obvious to my employer that I wasn't my usual kick-ass, brilliant, sharp, hard working self. I started coming in late and was quiet, distracted easily (hungover). My boss had a come-to-Jesus meeting with me and I finally admitted my problem - well, some of it. So - my answer to that was inpatient treatment - that will solve everything. So, I went into an in-house, inpatient treatment center for 21 days. I was force-fed Higher Power and all of the steps and was told REPEATEDLY that I was powerless and I had to turn everything over to God. When I questioned anything to my counselor - she would say "I know how to stay sober - and you don't - so, therefore, you need to do what I say if you want to stay sober". She kept telling me I would have to change everything in my life and told me that unless I went to a Clean and Sober house to live (because I live alone and there's no one to watch me) I would never make it. Well, I guess she was right because within 48 hours of leaving that facility, I was drunk. And absolutely despising myself and my life.

    Now I'm living a total lie - still calling and lying to my sponsor (why do I have to be accountable to someone else?) and so depressed that my entire life I'll be relegated to dim church basements, listening to people drone on and on and wondering why God doesn't help me stay sober. I went to my sponsor's birthday party 2 weeks ago. Everyone there was in "recovery". ALL they talk about is recovery and the jokes are all about being alcoholics and they have their Clean and Sober dates stitched on jackets. I'm not saying anything against them because AA has obviously worked for them. I looked around and realized I was staring at my future - constantly in the company of people that will make me very aware that I'm an alcoholic. Needless to say, I drove home profoundly depressed. And just happened to pass my favorite liquor store on the way home.

    It's this disgust and depression that drove me to this website. I had an epiphany this week. I really started thinking about why I'm so miserable. And it's the lying and the hiding and those damn meetings that I feel chained to and so guilty when I don't go. And that's when it hit me - maybe I don't have to do that. Maybe there are other ways to quit drinking - or at least control it. I didn't call my sponsor last night - and it felt good. It feels good to think that maybe I can do it myself - that I may just have the courage and inner resources to conquer this myself - and my future doesn't have to be in dim church basements.

    I'm relieved. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I'm scared to hope because every day I tell myself - this will be the day that I really don't drink - and then, well you know.

    Thanks for listening. Wow, it feels good to finally tell someone the truth - even if I don't know any of you.

    #2
    Is there really hope?

    There is hope

    Hi Friend,

    Thanks for telling your story and saying hi. I've been drinking for over 20 years and today I'm at 31 alcohol free days thanks to this program. Spend more time reading previous posts. Get the book, cd's and supplements. Jump in and start living in freedom again.

    When you have all your materials in hand and you're ready give yourself a doable and very achievable goal. Simply committ to being alcohol free for 30 days. Don't burden yourself with the "I'll never be able to drink again" self pity which is powerfully self destructive. Give yourself the gift of that 30 days, join us on the Abstinence Board and see where life leads takes you. Will you do that for yourself? 30 days is all we're asking.

    Matt:w

    Comment


      #3
      Is there really hope?

      There's more than hope

      Welcome mnorgard,

      Dim church basements are not places for living. There is a way of climbing out and finally getting some sun on your skin and I can tell you - it feels goood!

      Keep reading the posts and join us on our journey. I can promise - you'll never need to lie to us here.

      Good luck on Monday.

      Tawny

      Comment


        #4
        Is there really hope?

        Ditto Tawny Frog, mnorgard.

        I can relate to the self loating and the shame - it's the hardest part.

        But I am better. And I don't have a sponsor and I do this in my own home. I have made a few friends and I feel there is hope.

        Hang out with us for a bit and see what you think.

        Helen

        Comment


          #5
          Is there really hope?

          there is hope

          There is hope. The most important thing is that you keep getting back up. The AA approach can be difficult for so many people. The fact that most rehab facilities employ this as their only method shows just how clueless the recovery community can be. I know for me the mentality that unless I submitted I was doomed to failure was rough. And if I did drink I might as well really tie it on since there was no hope. And I just could not imagine having to go to meetings for the rest of my life. I work full-time, have a family and wanted to spend time with them, not at meetings.

          This is an awesome community that has supported me through some really rough spots. And forgiven me when I have made a total ass of myself and welcomed me back in. I am so grateful. Read the book, start taking the supplements, if you are willing get the topomax and keep posting and reaching out. Remember we have all stood in your shoes a short time ago, so it is all fresh in our minds what you are going through.

          If you are a reader here are some other resources of information that have helped me turn things around.
          Allen Carr-"The Easyway to Quit Drinking"--this book squashed all the benefits I thought that I was getting from alcohol-which is why I was drinking the stuff in the first place.
          "Mindful Recovery"--gave me some great tools to use and how to use them when the going gets tough.

          Hang in there--we are here for you.

          Kim

          Comment


            #6
            Is there really hope?

            Hi,

            :w to MWO!!

            This is the place you have been searching for!

            Everyone here has the same problem ,more or less ,that you have. The difference here is that you don't have to lie to us!

            You will be "picked up" if you fall and dusted off and slaped on you hiney (like a football team) and encouraged to get back on the program!

            When you have abs days , we all salute you!!!

            Living alone has to be hard......so we're here to help!

            It does get better after the first few weeks. The cds are great. I highly recomend them!! Very nice!

            Read and post! We love to hear from you!

            Nancy:h
            "Be still and know that I am God"

            Psalm 46:10

            Comment


              #7
              Is there really hope?

              One of the things that made me so happy to find this program was that it was just me and my computer, initially. I didn't have to walk into a room full of people who expected success or failure from me. I didn't have to make a commitment to be an abstainer for life. I didn't have to be a cult follower and change my entire identity, pick up the phone to call a sponsor, etc. It was just me and my mac. Then, it was me and my doctor. He smiled and wrote a scrip for the topa. Then, it was me and all these faceless and loving friends that I am getting to know every day. And this program is about progress more than about success or failure. And here is the best part. I don't wake up at 4 a.m. and hate myself anymore. Read the book. Do the whole thing. Be faithful to it. It's about your own expectations, not anyone else's. Welcome.

              Comment


                #8
                Is there really hope?

                Welcome Mnorgard
                You are amongst family here, truly. I promise, we will never judge you. You can format this program to fit your needs. You can and will get better.
                I remember going to AA meetings then racing out of the meetings after to get to the liquor store on time before it closed because i was so edgy and depressed.
                I am soo much happier now and I can say truly that I have made some great friends here. I am not doing abstinence but am moderating and have probably cut my drinking down into a third of what I was drinking before or less. I have not gotten drunk once since starting the topa/program full force.
                Welcome to the familly, we are here with open arms.
                Over 4 months AF :h

                Comment


                  #9
                  Is there really hope?

                  :w
                  Yep, this is THE PLACE!! I can't add anything to all the wisdom here already, but I DO add my whole-hearted gratitude for this site and all the terrific folks always ready and willing to offer encouragement and support (and NO judgement!).....

                  MUCH better than AA...people posting from all over the world, at any and all times of day and night; you can post as much as you want; you can respond when you feel so moved--and all in your own space and time! Fantastic!

                  Best thing: You never, ever have to lie here!! Share as much as you want or need to--and there will always be someone here for you...it doesn't get much better than that!
                  :l
                  susan
                  "I'm a sucker for a good resurrection story." Anne Lamott

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Is there really hope?

                    :w Hi mnorgard, I also went inpatient treatment... twice! (still paying for the second one! what a sick joke!) AA always made me very thirsty . I did meet some nice folks there tho... Just wish I could get them to check this out, ...& get out of their basements! I've been here since Jan. and taking topa(1oo mg) Loving life, and moderating! This program has given me my life back! If it can work for me... it can work for anybody! :l , Judie
                    The only thing worth stealing is a kiss...:flower: zwink:

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Is there really hope?

                      OMG - thank you all so much

                      I can't believe the words I've read here tonight. It's as though you really understand - and you just don't pretend to.

                      I am gratified to hear others stories regarding AA. I'm stupid and naive but I was court-ordered to follow this kind of treatment a year ago and I just assumed it was the only way. SO good to hear that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong.

                      I read the entire book today and visited my local GNC. I have an appt. with my doctor on Monday. I'm looking forward to starting the whole program - although I tend to be somewhat of a cynic - and a realist. I still operate under the concept that if something seems to good to be true - it probably is. I'll try and set that aside as I begin this program - full strength.

                      Again - thank all of you. I was born and raised in the Mormon church so there was always many conditions placed on love for me. The fact that a random person can still offer me unconditional love - is a new, naive and disturing concept for me.

                      Thanks again for all your support. I'm feeling a connection here that I wouldn't normally admit to.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Is there really hope?

                        I thought it sounded too good to be true too! Untill I got on the topa & started the program! It really does work! Just gotta be vigilant, & want it!:h It does take determination, but so does anything in life worthwhile! . Good luck & :w again,...Judie
                        The only thing worth stealing is a kiss...:flower: zwink:

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Is there really hope?

                          Hi MNORGARD,

                          We do love you and understand completely. Simple as that.

                          How about giving us another handle so we don't have to keep trying to figure out how to pronounce mnorgard (I do hope that's not your given name ).

                          Matt :w

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Is there really hope?

                            BTW, St. Jude,

                            I read your posts often. You Rock!

                            Matt

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Is there really hope?

                              I am psyched!

                              Thanks to everyone for your support and kind words. I just got back from my doctors appointment. I was scared and she tried to get me to take Antibuse but I held my ground and the prescription for Topa is being filled right now. She actually seemed genuinely concerned and was very supportive when I explained what I was going to do. Pretty rare in a doctor these days - or maybe that's just me. I've ordered all the sups and CD's and I am looking forward to feeling better - and losing my fat ass. I can't believe how many empty, useless calories I've consumed over the past year. Disgusting.

                              I haven't felt hope like this in a long time. I haven't been to an AA meeting in well over a week and it feels great! I haven't told anyone in my life about this. They all know I've been going to AA and they all think I've been sober for 6 months. I guess I don't want to "jinx" this or maybe I'm afraid they'll think this is all just an excuse so I don't have to quit drinking. I don't know and I shouldn't care.

                              Thanks again for all the support!!

                              Matt - mnorgard is not my given name. M is my first initial. I have my ex-husband to thank for the "norgard" part.

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