Now I'm living a total lie - still calling and lying to my sponsor (why do I have to be accountable to someone else?) and so depressed that my entire life I'll be relegated to dim church basements, listening to people drone on and on and wondering why God doesn't help me stay sober. I went to my sponsor's birthday party 2 weeks ago. Everyone there was in "recovery". ALL they talk about is recovery and the jokes are all about being alcoholics and they have their Clean and Sober dates stitched on jackets. I'm not saying anything against them because AA has obviously worked for them. I looked around and realized I was staring at my future - constantly in the company of people that will make me very aware that I'm an alcoholic. Needless to say, I drove home profoundly depressed. And just happened to pass my favorite liquor store on the way home.
It's this disgust and depression that drove me to this website. I had an epiphany this week. I really started thinking about why I'm so miserable. And it's the lying and the hiding and those damn meetings that I feel chained to and so guilty when I don't go. And that's when it hit me - maybe I don't have to do that. Maybe there are other ways to quit drinking - or at least control it. I didn't call my sponsor last night - and it felt good. It feels good to think that maybe I can do it myself - that I may just have the courage and inner resources to conquer this myself - and my future doesn't have to be in dim church basements.
I'm relieved. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I'm scared to hope because every day I tell myself - this will be the day that I really don't drink - and then, well you know.
Thanks for listening. Wow, it feels good to finally tell someone the truth - even if I don't know any of you.
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