I guess this is where we share our personal stories...if not, please forgive the thread.
I started drinking at 14, on weekends with friends when we could find Alcohol. After graduation from High School I kept up with the drinking on weekends..in fact, there have been about 5 Saturday nights in the last 20 years where I wasn't drinking...binge drinking at that. I would not drink during the week and look forward to Friday night everyday...for example, I would think 4 more days until Friday...3 more days...2 more days...1 more day...Today is the day!!! It was kinda like looking forward to something each week. What a mistake! I am ashamed to admit my drinking is probably what cost me my first marriage. With no kids, thankfully, I met someone who didn't mind my drinking at first. Then after we were married, she mentioned how much it bothered her. So I "layed off" for about 4 months. I don't know how, or when, but slowly the beer made it back into the fridge and we would drink together. She would have a couple, and I would finish the 12 pack and pass out. My mother would also mention she thought I had a problem with AL, as everyone in our family is an alcoholic including herself. My brother and I thought we were different and could quit anytime; yet rarely did...again, on weekends. It was as if I was rewarding mediocrity each weekend, and the hangovers were tolerable at first.
After my son was born, I thought I might have a problem. There are pictures of me holding this pure bundle of love...with a freakin beer on the table next to me. Hey, it was a weekend, right? Deep down I knew I had to do something, but my job is very high profile and quite lucritive...if anyone found out about me attending AA my carreer would suffer. So I suffered instead...silently. I don't drink publicly, and can have one drink at a party and be fine...until I got home, and later pass out from further consumption in the privacy of my own home.
This last year has been the worst and best for me. I was promoted, moved to Florida, have time every afternoon with my son on the good side. On the bad side, my father has pancreatic cancer and has suffered since last Thanksgiving of 07. My drinking on weekday nights entered my life...going to work hungover two to three days a week made the weekends seem unimportant, so I switched to hard Alcohol on the weekends, and kept the weekday drinking to beer and wine. Man, I really have a problem.
Lately the hangovers have been playing with my mind. Last month I found a 'freckle' on my lower lip and I was sure it was cancer. I cried for days and nights, and drank to forget. I was sure my Karma was catching up with me and that I was to be punished for being so self centered...my punishment...death; and knowing my son's comfortable life will change into suffering a life without a Father in a low income neighborhood riddled with crime and drugs. This was all my fault...how could I be so selfish? I love my son (and wife) so much that one morning (hungover) I cried and appologized for possibly doing something to their futures...it was humiliating, embarrassing and depressing.
My wife has hope I will get help, my son is too young (3) to understand why Pappa is crying. My life has been consumed these last 4 weeks with death and stopped the moment I found this site.
I bought the book, have an appointment with the Doctor to get Topomax and more importantly have not thought about death as much today.
With hope I can change this; I will face tonight's sunset with courage wondering if I am worth it. I know my son is worth it and my wife deserves better.
Peace
I started drinking at 14, on weekends with friends when we could find Alcohol. After graduation from High School I kept up with the drinking on weekends..in fact, there have been about 5 Saturday nights in the last 20 years where I wasn't drinking...binge drinking at that. I would not drink during the week and look forward to Friday night everyday...for example, I would think 4 more days until Friday...3 more days...2 more days...1 more day...Today is the day!!! It was kinda like looking forward to something each week. What a mistake! I am ashamed to admit my drinking is probably what cost me my first marriage. With no kids, thankfully, I met someone who didn't mind my drinking at first. Then after we were married, she mentioned how much it bothered her. So I "layed off" for about 4 months. I don't know how, or when, but slowly the beer made it back into the fridge and we would drink together. She would have a couple, and I would finish the 12 pack and pass out. My mother would also mention she thought I had a problem with AL, as everyone in our family is an alcoholic including herself. My brother and I thought we were different and could quit anytime; yet rarely did...again, on weekends. It was as if I was rewarding mediocrity each weekend, and the hangovers were tolerable at first.
After my son was born, I thought I might have a problem. There are pictures of me holding this pure bundle of love...with a freakin beer on the table next to me. Hey, it was a weekend, right? Deep down I knew I had to do something, but my job is very high profile and quite lucritive...if anyone found out about me attending AA my carreer would suffer. So I suffered instead...silently. I don't drink publicly, and can have one drink at a party and be fine...until I got home, and later pass out from further consumption in the privacy of my own home.
This last year has been the worst and best for me. I was promoted, moved to Florida, have time every afternoon with my son on the good side. On the bad side, my father has pancreatic cancer and has suffered since last Thanksgiving of 07. My drinking on weekday nights entered my life...going to work hungover two to three days a week made the weekends seem unimportant, so I switched to hard Alcohol on the weekends, and kept the weekday drinking to beer and wine. Man, I really have a problem.
Lately the hangovers have been playing with my mind. Last month I found a 'freckle' on my lower lip and I was sure it was cancer. I cried for days and nights, and drank to forget. I was sure my Karma was catching up with me and that I was to be punished for being so self centered...my punishment...death; and knowing my son's comfortable life will change into suffering a life without a Father in a low income neighborhood riddled with crime and drugs. This was all my fault...how could I be so selfish? I love my son (and wife) so much that one morning (hungover) I cried and appologized for possibly doing something to their futures...it was humiliating, embarrassing and depressing.
My wife has hope I will get help, my son is too young (3) to understand why Pappa is crying. My life has been consumed these last 4 weeks with death and stopped the moment I found this site.
I bought the book, have an appointment with the Doctor to get Topomax and more importantly have not thought about death as much today.
With hope I can change this; I will face tonight's sunset with courage wondering if I am worth it. I know my son is worth it and my wife deserves better.
Peace
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