Local movies, days at the park, summer camping trips, extended stays at the shore, reo speedwagon, designer jeans, parachute pants, light bright, transister radeos, maxi dresses, the six million dollar man...studio 54...combs in our back pokcets...boys still carried our books...That was my youth.
After years of travel, finding myself and working for $50 a week. I finally realized that college was important for me and decided to buckle down. After I graduated and got a job and settled into my life I realized that I hadn't followed my heart as far as relationships went.
It was time to build my career and build a marriage. I reconnected with my "true love" and moved up the ladder at work. I worked hard and we bought a fixer upper. It all felt good and right and all that stuff. Funny thing is my hubby and I are like a decade behind everyone else our age who went to college, got married and had kids on schedule. Deep down I know I set my own course but there are days that I can help but compare.
So, long story, feeling even longer, At this point I was nearing the end of my 30's. 39 was coming and I was even ready to turn 40. Yippee I thought. I real woman. In control. Happy. I wanted to mark it and say I felt great at 40. I thought long and hard and said...when I turn 40 I want to feel like I am on top of the world. I thought I would. Things seemed great.
As I got ready to celebrate 39...the gateway to 40...my mother got very ill. So ill that we thought she would die that week in July...it was life shattering....she had brain surgery and survived it. We all held our breath and tried to attend to her and give her the best care we knew how. Lots of time together and lots of laughs together.
39 came and went. Now really I was facing 40. But, now I wasnt feeling so great about life. I was working all the time. I was having a hard time juggling work and caregiving. I was feeling old and not in control. What was to come of my plan to reach 40 feeling on top of the world.?
Time. Time is more valuable then anything. I stepped down from my position and work and was happy to be offered a downsized version of my job. Yes, summers off. Ok, I think I am getting there. Now, What have I been giving up so I can work full time all year...hmmm, a DOG! I went out and adopted from the local shelter. Things seemed to be shaping up. More time to care for mum, time to run and play with doggy, and free time to learn, explore, grow and be with nature.
Guess what....that didnt happen. That extra time and energy went to drinking wine to help cope with the great unknown of my mothers disease. The one glass at dinner turned into a bottle each evening. I was becoming the crazy aunt who had a few too many. If I was doing overnight care at my parents....I would drink whatever they would have in their cabinet.....The wine got me through those long difficult days.
It got me through but it sure did take a toll. I looked around and at age 40. I could see I was barely holding on. Yes, job was great but....i was nowhere near the top of the world. More wine please...at this point i am feeling shitty and the wine is feeling good. I hold on. I look about 15 years older but I am holding on.(to my wine)
Very sad to say that mum passed away in June. We shared so much love and joy in those 2 years of her illness. They were a gift of time. My heart is still sad but I do believe we always stay connected to those we love....wherever they are.
When life rocks...you gotta role with it. One thought... by... one thought....like step by step.... I thought once again about where my life is at....who I have become. It was the right time.
"Step away from the wine....fill your life", I thought. "Don't swim in it!! "
As of today I am 7 days AF. My goal is to be a modder......but this is a process and I am not sure how it will go. I feel great! I want to take my life back and enjoy it. I want to feel in control and actually look my age.
I am filling my life with other things.....guess what, there is alot out there!!!
This is my story....What is yours????
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