I was reading back through my story today and reflecting on where my head was back then and where it is today.
The biggest changes I see in myself is that I am less inclined these days to hold onto core beliefs which in effect have not matured. How could they possibly anyway. I myself have not matured as a person because I've spent most of my adult life in active addiction in some shape or form. Those beliefs I've held onto for such a long time are today being looked at more closely and I am beginning to accept that some of them should of been buried years ago. I still struggle today with an identity and where I see myself in society as a person. I've always shunned society and was very anti-establishment. I lost track though of who the hell it was I was 'fighting' a long time ago when I thought the world revolved around me. I was very negative in my thinking and could never see a positive side of any situation. As an example: I was at an AA meeting on Thursday night with a friend from N/A. He was asked to do the main share as the lack of attendance at this particular meeting was poor and has been for some time (the meeting is folding on the 26th of this month). I came away from the meeting thinking what a shit night why did I bother going. I could hardly hear because of an amateur brass band practicing in the next room. Yobs outside the meeting where screaming and shouting and 2 people out the 9 that where there were pissed. 1 of which kept harping on about how he wished he was back in the Army and that some 'bastard' in other meetings was telling his sister all about him and not adhering to the yellow card!!. On the way back to my friend's house too we bumped into a guy from N/A who was completely 'zoned out' and was back 'using' and was waiting to get a place for the night in the YMCA. So my mate said to me when I got back. "So you got nothing positive out of tonight.....?" "Think again...." "Did you not hear ***** say he was 5 years sober this week?" "Did you not think that guy in the meeting could be you one day? or ***** sitting there completely wasted looking for a bed for the night?". It was only through him saying this that I started to look at the positives from the negatives that night.
Something though has definitely changed in my attitude recently. I used to think I was so open minded about a lot of things. Liberal maybe but 'open'?. When it comes to sobriety/recovery I have been so closed minded because of the dogma I attached to 12 step recovery programs and I was prejudiced for all the wrong reasons. I'm not trying to promote AA or N/A here either I just know what's right for ME and MY circumstances today. I always had this notion that being in a fellowship I was gonna be indoctrinated into the 'cult', a robe donned on me and I would have to do the walk of shame while my bare ass was paddled to the words of "Keep coming back". (you get the picture I of course don't mean this literally!). I was only reading BILLYJACK's thread earlier about his own concerns about AA and I can totally agree with certain points he makes. I think there is a lot of miss-information from members who set themselves up as some type of guru. If I wanted a guru I'd pack my rucksack and head east. OR people who don't seem to be living the program and practicing the principals in their daily lives who love the sound of their own voice at meetings and all's they can do is regurgitate the same old 'war story' over and over at different meetings. I know when I do get a sponsor these are not the kind of people I want. I want someone who has that air of serenity that I want; who is humble and lives their life by the principals and who will also kick my arse when needed!. I am just at the stage of looking for a sponsor to help me with the steps by the way!!. But I know I want to start living myself, and to do that I need to feel in my heart not just my head that I am being honest enough to work those steps. If I'm not then I've done nothing but continue to 'talk the talk'. Which believe me I'm very good at!! But it's got me nowhere other than putting down the drink for periods of abstinence thinking I'll be OK. I won't, I know that because if I feel like I'm standing still and not moving forward in sobriety then I'll guarantee you 100% I'll be back drinking again.
I also had an interview on Friday (13th!!) with a recovery program in Liverpool called SHARP (Self Help Addiction Recovery Program). SHARP Liverpool • Action on Addiction It too is 12 step based and is an intense program that lasts for 12 weeks. I will hear this coming Friday whether I have gained a place as they are limited to 22. But even if I don't this time I will only have to wait a few weeks as there are a number of people who are coming up to their final weeks very soon. I would be in attendance from Monday to Friday 9-4 apart from Tuesday's which is 9-1. Thank god my ex partner can actually see that this would benefit my relationship with my daughter and has agreed to swap my access day from Wed to Tue so I can see her for a few hours when I get home. Although I'll miss out on a few hours with her it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the long term goal. I will receive counseling 1 x 1 but the main proportion is done in group work which I feel I will benefit from a lot. I currently attend 3 N/A meetings a week and I've upped my AA meetings to 2 a week. I have a great support worker at present who is 10 years sober and 6 years clean from an organisation called The Social Partnership here on Merseyside which is an alcohol/drug project. I am also meeting up with loads of people away from the meetings and some who I now call friends whereas in the past I had drinking buddies. They give me hope that I can live a productive life in the future and that I can integrate myself back into a society I once wanted nothing to do with and ran away from most of my life. My life is definitely becoming much easier to handle these days when I don't place too much importance on what was or what might be and I keep things fairly simple. I try not to complicate things further by attaching too much emotion to situations, although I do find it very hard at times being a very emotional/hypersensitive person. I do know though that it's my emotional state that causes the unmanageability in my life and not the substance I use these days so I try to be aloof as possible!!!!lol (only joking!)
So in a nutshell I've finally found my calling in N/A as an addict and I've FINALLY stopped FUCKING ABOUT with my sobriety and my life. This is too serious a problem for me today and I cannot afford to continue any longer down paths of destruction that in the long term will kill me.
Anyway before I get too melodramatic thanks for reading MY STORY UPDATE.
Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx
The biggest changes I see in myself is that I am less inclined these days to hold onto core beliefs which in effect have not matured. How could they possibly anyway. I myself have not matured as a person because I've spent most of my adult life in active addiction in some shape or form. Those beliefs I've held onto for such a long time are today being looked at more closely and I am beginning to accept that some of them should of been buried years ago. I still struggle today with an identity and where I see myself in society as a person. I've always shunned society and was very anti-establishment. I lost track though of who the hell it was I was 'fighting' a long time ago when I thought the world revolved around me. I was very negative in my thinking and could never see a positive side of any situation. As an example: I was at an AA meeting on Thursday night with a friend from N/A. He was asked to do the main share as the lack of attendance at this particular meeting was poor and has been for some time (the meeting is folding on the 26th of this month). I came away from the meeting thinking what a shit night why did I bother going. I could hardly hear because of an amateur brass band practicing in the next room. Yobs outside the meeting where screaming and shouting and 2 people out the 9 that where there were pissed. 1 of which kept harping on about how he wished he was back in the Army and that some 'bastard' in other meetings was telling his sister all about him and not adhering to the yellow card!!. On the way back to my friend's house too we bumped into a guy from N/A who was completely 'zoned out' and was back 'using' and was waiting to get a place for the night in the YMCA. So my mate said to me when I got back. "So you got nothing positive out of tonight.....?" "Think again...." "Did you not hear ***** say he was 5 years sober this week?" "Did you not think that guy in the meeting could be you one day? or ***** sitting there completely wasted looking for a bed for the night?". It was only through him saying this that I started to look at the positives from the negatives that night.
Something though has definitely changed in my attitude recently. I used to think I was so open minded about a lot of things. Liberal maybe but 'open'?. When it comes to sobriety/recovery I have been so closed minded because of the dogma I attached to 12 step recovery programs and I was prejudiced for all the wrong reasons. I'm not trying to promote AA or N/A here either I just know what's right for ME and MY circumstances today. I always had this notion that being in a fellowship I was gonna be indoctrinated into the 'cult', a robe donned on me and I would have to do the walk of shame while my bare ass was paddled to the words of "Keep coming back". (you get the picture I of course don't mean this literally!). I was only reading BILLYJACK's thread earlier about his own concerns about AA and I can totally agree with certain points he makes. I think there is a lot of miss-information from members who set themselves up as some type of guru. If I wanted a guru I'd pack my rucksack and head east. OR people who don't seem to be living the program and practicing the principals in their daily lives who love the sound of their own voice at meetings and all's they can do is regurgitate the same old 'war story' over and over at different meetings. I know when I do get a sponsor these are not the kind of people I want. I want someone who has that air of serenity that I want; who is humble and lives their life by the principals and who will also kick my arse when needed!. I am just at the stage of looking for a sponsor to help me with the steps by the way!!. But I know I want to start living myself, and to do that I need to feel in my heart not just my head that I am being honest enough to work those steps. If I'm not then I've done nothing but continue to 'talk the talk'. Which believe me I'm very good at!! But it's got me nowhere other than putting down the drink for periods of abstinence thinking I'll be OK. I won't, I know that because if I feel like I'm standing still and not moving forward in sobriety then I'll guarantee you 100% I'll be back drinking again.
I also had an interview on Friday (13th!!) with a recovery program in Liverpool called SHARP (Self Help Addiction Recovery Program). SHARP Liverpool • Action on Addiction It too is 12 step based and is an intense program that lasts for 12 weeks. I will hear this coming Friday whether I have gained a place as they are limited to 22. But even if I don't this time I will only have to wait a few weeks as there are a number of people who are coming up to their final weeks very soon. I would be in attendance from Monday to Friday 9-4 apart from Tuesday's which is 9-1. Thank god my ex partner can actually see that this would benefit my relationship with my daughter and has agreed to swap my access day from Wed to Tue so I can see her for a few hours when I get home. Although I'll miss out on a few hours with her it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the long term goal. I will receive counseling 1 x 1 but the main proportion is done in group work which I feel I will benefit from a lot. I currently attend 3 N/A meetings a week and I've upped my AA meetings to 2 a week. I have a great support worker at present who is 10 years sober and 6 years clean from an organisation called The Social Partnership here on Merseyside which is an alcohol/drug project. I am also meeting up with loads of people away from the meetings and some who I now call friends whereas in the past I had drinking buddies. They give me hope that I can live a productive life in the future and that I can integrate myself back into a society I once wanted nothing to do with and ran away from most of my life. My life is definitely becoming much easier to handle these days when I don't place too much importance on what was or what might be and I keep things fairly simple. I try not to complicate things further by attaching too much emotion to situations, although I do find it very hard at times being a very emotional/hypersensitive person. I do know though that it's my emotional state that causes the unmanageability in my life and not the substance I use these days so I try to be aloof as possible!!!!lol (only joking!)
So in a nutshell I've finally found my calling in N/A as an addict and I've FINALLY stopped FUCKING ABOUT with my sobriety and my life. This is too serious a problem for me today and I cannot afford to continue any longer down paths of destruction that in the long term will kill me.
Anyway before I get too melodramatic thanks for reading MY STORY UPDATE.
Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx
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