This is not a love song...

[fickle]

Sorry folks, i deleted this as it was so personal and don't want it hanging out there in the ether.

Love every one of you :l

[DeeBee]

This is not a love song...

Wow Fickle, You are one amazing woman!!

This is a tough decision for you to make....Have you spoken to her father about it?

[startingover]

This is not a love song...

Ficks you are amazing...I had no idea...
I dont know really what to advise you ...but I would always go for the truth no matter how painful...in the long run it might save your daughter...
I am sorry, what a dilema..you are very brave for posting about it..

[Guitarista]

This is not a love song...

Hiya Fickle.
Just like you to know, my thought's are with you, through this difficult situation.
All the best!.................G.

[Bella]

This is not a love song...

Hi Fickle....a very serious hard issue here for u to deal with.....Ome2Many has just said some sound advice.....tell the truth but leave out your husbands involvement...it may taint yr daughters picture of her father...all the best Bell XXX

[gyco]

This is not a love song...

hi fic,wow,if i may,you are rite everything you do in life will eventually bite you in the a s s.your decision,did he have no part in the baby thing,no brainier,on his part,we always see the outside of one,not whats inside,so even tho they had it hard.lets destroy others lives,as far as the uncle,i wouldnt let that man come within 5 feet of my X,never mind my kid,id have a restraining order on that man so fast ,is head wouldnt stop spinning,if he smiled id shoot him,if it sounds harsh,im not a lady,i will never no what its like to have a child,as far as the X,he lost any rites,when he gave you an ultimatum,i hope were still freinds, gyco

[gyco]

This is not a love song...

fic,as far as the child that is what she is,good luck

[meditation mama]

This is not a love song...

Wow, what a tough situation! I am sure to some extent that knowing the secret behind your husband's behavoir has brought some resolution to you, hopefully. This is such a tricky one because if you do not tell her the truth and she finds out (as most inquisitive 16yrs old will), or maybe your husband at some point in the future comes clean, she may resent your for not being honest. 16yrs old these days are amazing people.

They are exposed to so much that there is not much out there they haven't been exposed to, either by the media, stories from friends, or personal experiences.

Can you talk to the father about this and tell her she is inquiring? If he has truly blocked this person out of his life, then surely he would want to protect his daughter from him. Is your husband healthy enough to talk to her? Maybe you could talk to her together? Maybe with a counselor?

Thanks for sharing yoru story. I wish you the best of luck..

Namaste,

MM

[catnip]

This is not a love song...

I think Meditation mama has a valid point, is it possible to tackle this situation together? Sounds the best way to me. All the very best of everything

[fickle]

This is not a love song...

Thank you everyone,
I am very grateful and humbled by how many responses I have had so quickly!
This is a very complex situation and I think Oney has hit the nail on the head.

Although I do appreciate and respect my ex-husband in his good moments, the feeling is not returned... so MM and Catnip, I guess the answer is no, can't deal with it with him. It would freak him totally for me to bring it up. My daughter knows that much and won't bring it up with him.

I'll talk to her a bit over the next few days and hopefully convince her that there are things better left alone for a few more years.

Love to all

[bouchard01]

This is not a love song...

This is a very tough situation. I see it that it's the father's story to tell. If it was my daughter I would tell her what you already have and then after giving the heads up to her father ... tell her that it's up to her father to tell her anymore. I agree without getting a counsellor involved, that sure will not hurt. I wish you success and that hope that she remains free from harm. Have you told your Ex that his brother has contacted her??

[Bonbon]

This is not a love song...

Hi - hope you don't mind me saying something, even though I don't know you.

The uncle concerned sounds like a very dangerous, manipulative man. What worries me is that he has found your daughter on Facebook and has charmed her. I think most of us have heard horror stories of people meeting up with men/women who haven't been as they've pretended to be - it's easy to adopt a persona online. His hold over others has been tenacious and I think your daughter will have to be very strong to resist him. For that reason, I think she needs to know some or all of the truth about him - she needs to be shocked into the realisation that he isn't who he's pretending to be.

I would also be in touch with the police. This man is a rapist and he's chatting to your daughter online. I think you need to report this to the police. Maybe he hasn't been charged with a crime as far as your family's concerned, but he may well be known to his local police force. It's hard to imagine that nobody has made a formal complaint about him.

If your daughter is the sort of teenager who goes against what you say, I think you need someone there who she will listen to, when you talk to her. I know (from experience) that when a parent says something shouldn't happen, it often does, just out of bloodymindedness - it's vital that she doesn't chat to him and have him fill her with BS about the past. His record of being charming and terrifying at the same time makes him an extremely dangerous man.

[Angelcakes]

This is not a love song...

Yeah, it does sound like he's 'grooming' her...terrifying for you Ficks.

...thanks so much for sharing. I agree with what Oney said...I wouldn't tell her that her father had been abused. I can't see how it would ever come out if hardly anyone knows about it. But do help her to understand that he is a very dangerous man.

You've told her he's a paedophile and she seemed to brush it off...that mind of hers will be racing thinking it through, she probably just needs some time to fully comprehend that & let it sink in.
I don't really know what to say other than I reckon she'll get it sooner or later and you won't have to deal with the prick ever again...at least I hope so.
I'd like to say to make her promise to show you any correspondence with him, but that's probably not realistic.
xo

[irish eyes]

This is not a love song...

Hey Fickle
I just want to say how brave and corageous you are to have to go through all that in your past and now the issue is rearing its ugly head again. I actually cannot or will not give you any advice, my only comment is that you sound very wise and the answer will come to you. I know that you cannot discuss this with your husband but your daughter has two parents and she is obviously close to her Dad as well and he clearly has a responsibility here too. Listen to your gut it works. Good luck you are a great Mom.:l

[fickle]

This is not a love song...

Hello again everyone, I’ve had a bit of time to read and digest this. When I first wrote I was to scared to look at what I wrote really.

Firstly I must say just having made my post helped me to feel way less crazy than I felt before by holding it all in. As you can see by everyone’s different reactions there are many ways of looking at this and many things to worry about. Obviously it was too much for me to consider on my own. I warmly thank you all for your help and comments and want you to know how much it has meant and how much it has helped.

Gyco, there is not one thing you have said that has offended me, you are a good friend as always.

Oney, I pondered your thoughts today and considered explaining to her that it is somewhat like knowing someone you love has been in prison or tortured. You need to know that something terrible happened, but you do not need to visualise all the details because it would hurt you too much to imagine the horror your loved one went through.

Bella, it is too late to leave out my husband’s involvement as he has told our daughter clearly that her uncle is evil and said all kinds of things I don’t know about. She said to me that it was so unfair that her father and I had both been so damning of him and won’t let her see him without any kind of explanation as to why. There were tears in her eyes and I guess I can understand that.

MM, Cat & Bou, although at first I rejected the idea of speaking with my ex (he has been a formidable enemy at times and even recently) but I now think I should. I have to pick my moment and give him time to freak out and calm down before speaking to her though. I need time to explain to him my tactic of not giving her too much information. I don’t want him to freak out or have an episode and give her too much information and cause them both more pain and damage.

Bonbon, I don’t mind and thanks. The teenage bloody mindedness is exactly what worries me. But I can’t just phone up the police and report something so randomly. If they accepted that then think of all the vindictive people in the world phoning up and reporting rubbish against people they don’t like. I have no proof.. It just sounds like some melodrama.. So again, I think I’d better talk to my ex about how we should handle it. You are right too.. The uncle is indeed an extremely scary person and quite something to be reckoned with.

Thank you Irish and everyone else I forgot to mention that popped in to say supportive and helpful things. My gratitude is boundless and I feel so much more grounded and able to deal with it now.

Love & Gratitude
Fickle