Is this just another form of my narcissistic unraveling or am I really truly trying to get better?
I have stepped up to the plate so many times... only to fail... to fall harder then I knew possible. I think I've set myself up to fall intentionally in the past. This feels different somehow... this moment and the steps I've taken recently. I'm hoping that it really truly is different. I really need this to be different.
It's a lonely world - this being so wrapped up in oneself.
I am 28 years old. I have struggled with most of the big maladaptive coping strategies us upper-middle class white girls have in our arsenal of self-hatred. There was the cutting and the burning back in the days of adolescence. Then there was the anorexia, then the bulimia... now the compulsive binge eating that dances lovingly with sub clinical stretches of anorexia. There's the indiscriminate sex with inappropriate people in places I would care not mention. There were the abusive alcoholic relationships. There was... and is the alcohol to deal with said alcoholic relationships. There are the broken promises and blackout nights. There are the erratic and volatile fights over nothing just to prove that there is strength somewhere inside my weakest, saddest moments. There is the crippling depression.
I worry. And I wonder. Somehow crazy is chic and yet there is nothing chic about it. It's crazy. I do not wear these things like a badge. Others do not know me by my crazy and I try like hell to hide it from the people I know well and respect deeply (of course it oozes out the sides and all over the bar floor on occasion... but mostly people just think I can "drink like the guys" and that I'm game until the game is all done). I'm always the last person standing. I may be staggering and slurring but I'll be standing and I'll of course do a shot with you when we get back to your place.
The show is amazing. Really.
Alone. Alone is when I fall apart.
When it all comes down to it. I am alone. Very much alone. That's what all of this creates.
My story is far from unique... but it is mine. I'm hoping I won't be re-writing the same old chapters for the rest of my life.
My last drunk was on Monday. I want that to be my last drunk. Period.
Thanks for reading. And thanks for being out there. I'm going to need you all.
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