:new:
I 'm a depressed drinker - 35, single, don't really see the point of my life.
I've been taking tablets for depression since Aug 08, and they've picked me up - but not really given me a reason. So I drink. I binge on wine.
I can commute to work (I've got a good job in London), feel sick on the train and convince myself (for that day) that I won't drink in the evening, then something clicks around 3pm and I have this uncontrollable desire to drink a bottle of wine. I've started to limit myself at a bottle and because of the weight gain (I'm 5'6" and 10stone) I don't eat in the evening. Usually I end up dry heaving over the bathroom sink. Lovely.
In my job I like to potray myself as together, in control and having self respect, but I hate myself for making mistakes at work - they always seem so stupid and directly related to a hangover. Although I am mostly hungover - which contributes to my self-loathing. After work drinks are the worst. I don't have an 'off-switch' - I can go to 6am if I switch to spirits. I've done some really embarrassing things when drunk and I hate myself for it. Especially with people who are work colleagues. So I'm not sure where to start. I don't want to go to AA - where I live (in the country) it seems a bit drastic. Say, if I've got something important at work the next day then I won't drink the evening before so I've got a clear head. But how clear is my head if I'm drinking for the other 6 days of the week. I've gone to work with no means to buy wine (I never buy it in bulk - it's too scary) and that works for me, but it doesn't help the actual problem of the fact I don't think a night is fun without booze and once I start I can't stop. I'm not looking for any solutions and I'm not about to put my head in an oven, I just feel like I'm existing and can't see the point - then the cycle begins again....What I need is 'self-respect' and funnily enough, I hate myself for not having it.
s x
I 'm a depressed drinker - 35, single, don't really see the point of my life.
I've been taking tablets for depression since Aug 08, and they've picked me up - but not really given me a reason. So I drink. I binge on wine.
I can commute to work (I've got a good job in London), feel sick on the train and convince myself (for that day) that I won't drink in the evening, then something clicks around 3pm and I have this uncontrollable desire to drink a bottle of wine. I've started to limit myself at a bottle and because of the weight gain (I'm 5'6" and 10stone) I don't eat in the evening. Usually I end up dry heaving over the bathroom sink. Lovely.
In my job I like to potray myself as together, in control and having self respect, but I hate myself for making mistakes at work - they always seem so stupid and directly related to a hangover. Although I am mostly hungover - which contributes to my self-loathing. After work drinks are the worst. I don't have an 'off-switch' - I can go to 6am if I switch to spirits. I've done some really embarrassing things when drunk and I hate myself for it. Especially with people who are work colleagues. So I'm not sure where to start. I don't want to go to AA - where I live (in the country) it seems a bit drastic. Say, if I've got something important at work the next day then I won't drink the evening before so I've got a clear head. But how clear is my head if I'm drinking for the other 6 days of the week. I've gone to work with no means to buy wine (I never buy it in bulk - it's too scary) and that works for me, but it doesn't help the actual problem of the fact I don't think a night is fun without booze and once I start I can't stop. I'm not looking for any solutions and I'm not about to put my head in an oven, I just feel like I'm existing and can't see the point - then the cycle begins again....What I need is 'self-respect' and funnily enough, I hate myself for not having it.
s x
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