Writing this has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done – to put my story in writing has forced me to take a good hard look within myself – which is not always a pretty sight. It has taken me a year to write this as I’m not very good with expressing myself and getting across what I want to say clearly…. MWO has taught me how to open up, be honest and learn to have confidence in myself again. Before, I never thought my story was worth telling.
A year ago found me stumbling across this site with a million questions on my mind “who am I?” “why am I like this?” "how can I change?" "can I change?"
I had just been on another bender, you know, one of those where you wake up or more precisely become conscious at 3am wondering where you are and it slowly all starts coming back and then it hits like a 10 ton truck..… WTF am I doing?
Hubby was at the point where he had stopped threatening to leave me and was just begging me to find a solution to my drinking. He didn’t know what or how, but he knew, he just knew there was something out there that could help me…. He was right.
I had always used Alcohol to make me fun, outgoing, able to hang out with whoever without being irritated or non-social. BUT also made me do stupid things I didn't even remember doing, it made me loose my inhibitions and do things that I was so terribly ashamed of.
By the age of 21 I was married with a baby - life wasn't easy financially nor emotionally. I was immature, insecure and selfish in my feelings.
The heavy drinking didn't start until much later, about 5 years ago. We met up with this couple who were hard-core party animals and we allowed ourselves to be sucked into their world of all night drinking and drugging. I was very green in those days and I remember always being encouraged to "drink up". My hubby was travelling quite a bit in those days and I was getting a name for myself at work, so money was not a problem. When drugs were introduced into our lifestyle, I thought I'd hit the jackpot! Life was good. Over time the drinking got heavier, the drugs more frequent and the devil was born! The novelty wore off and the uglyness of what we were doing started to show.
We eventually moved away from that couple and the enviroment we were in and started living the life we had always dreamed of, BUT I was still drinking heavily, every day.
I would buy a 5lt box so that hubby could not tell how much I was drinking - although in reality I wasn't fooling him. If hubby went away or travelled i ended up getting totally smashed on my own at home, or I would go out with my BF who was just as bad as me so was always game for some "fun" - It would never be my intention, it just happened.
After many fights, tears, threats to leave me, kick me out, tell my parents, or even take my daughter away from me, I was still the same, it was like words had no meaning to me. Oh I would take hubby seriously, I would calm my drinking down and keep it tidy on weekends but eventuallly it would flare up again and we'd be back to where we'd started, BUT I was becoming aware of what a problem it was. I was getting tired of waking up in the morning and my first thought would be "what did I do or say last night to embarress myself" - I could never really remember the entire evening.
Then one day after a particually ugly and embarressing weekend of drinking, my hubby told me that he had come to the decision to stay with me no matter what - no more threats to leave - he loves me, but if I carried on destroying myself like I was he would NOT "like" me anymore. For some reason that was the wake up call I needed.
That same day, with tears pouring down my face, I hit the link to MWO, registered, subscribed, downloaded the book and found you all.
With the help of some very special friends here, I did 60 days AF before making the decision to go mod. I did another 30 days AF the beginning of this year and I have always said that should my drinking spiral out of control again, I will not hesitate to abstain all together -- my sobriety is way more important than a glass of wine.
In Feb this year I decided to quit my last addiction - twaks. Well as it's well documented here on the boards lol I won't go into too much detail, but sheez, the first 4 weeks my emotions were raw, my nerves shot and my irratability level up to a No 10. But I've stuck with it and it's the second most proudest moment in my life:-)
The universe was looking out for me the day I stumbled across this site and community. It has been the back bone to my journey. Words are not enough to express my gratitude to you.
A year later, I am proud to say that I am a moderate drinker, that I live life in moderation.
I am proud to tell you I started exercising, running and yoga.
I am proud to tell you I wake up 15 minutes early every morning to meditate.
I am proud to tell you that I have stopped using AL to hide behind when I have a problem.
I am proud to tell you that for the first time in my life I am exploring my spirituality.
I am proud to tell you that I am still looking for the answers,
I am proud to tell you that my journey will never end.
I am happy and I enjoy being me.
Today, I am proud to tell you, that I am DEEBEE!!
A year ago found me stumbling across this site with a million questions on my mind “who am I?” “why am I like this?” "how can I change?" "can I change?"
I had just been on another bender, you know, one of those where you wake up or more precisely become conscious at 3am wondering where you are and it slowly all starts coming back and then it hits like a 10 ton truck..… WTF am I doing?
Hubby was at the point where he had stopped threatening to leave me and was just begging me to find a solution to my drinking. He didn’t know what or how, but he knew, he just knew there was something out there that could help me…. He was right.
I had always used Alcohol to make me fun, outgoing, able to hang out with whoever without being irritated or non-social. BUT also made me do stupid things I didn't even remember doing, it made me loose my inhibitions and do things that I was so terribly ashamed of.
By the age of 21 I was married with a baby - life wasn't easy financially nor emotionally. I was immature, insecure and selfish in my feelings.
The heavy drinking didn't start until much later, about 5 years ago. We met up with this couple who were hard-core party animals and we allowed ourselves to be sucked into their world of all night drinking and drugging. I was very green in those days and I remember always being encouraged to "drink up". My hubby was travelling quite a bit in those days and I was getting a name for myself at work, so money was not a problem. When drugs were introduced into our lifestyle, I thought I'd hit the jackpot! Life was good. Over time the drinking got heavier, the drugs more frequent and the devil was born! The novelty wore off and the uglyness of what we were doing started to show.
We eventually moved away from that couple and the enviroment we were in and started living the life we had always dreamed of, BUT I was still drinking heavily, every day.
I would buy a 5lt box so that hubby could not tell how much I was drinking - although in reality I wasn't fooling him. If hubby went away or travelled i ended up getting totally smashed on my own at home, or I would go out with my BF who was just as bad as me so was always game for some "fun" - It would never be my intention, it just happened.
After many fights, tears, threats to leave me, kick me out, tell my parents, or even take my daughter away from me, I was still the same, it was like words had no meaning to me. Oh I would take hubby seriously, I would calm my drinking down and keep it tidy on weekends but eventuallly it would flare up again and we'd be back to where we'd started, BUT I was becoming aware of what a problem it was. I was getting tired of waking up in the morning and my first thought would be "what did I do or say last night to embarress myself" - I could never really remember the entire evening.
Then one day after a particually ugly and embarressing weekend of drinking, my hubby told me that he had come to the decision to stay with me no matter what - no more threats to leave - he loves me, but if I carried on destroying myself like I was he would NOT "like" me anymore. For some reason that was the wake up call I needed.
That same day, with tears pouring down my face, I hit the link to MWO, registered, subscribed, downloaded the book and found you all.
With the help of some very special friends here, I did 60 days AF before making the decision to go mod. I did another 30 days AF the beginning of this year and I have always said that should my drinking spiral out of control again, I will not hesitate to abstain all together -- my sobriety is way more important than a glass of wine.
In Feb this year I decided to quit my last addiction - twaks. Well as it's well documented here on the boards lol I won't go into too much detail, but sheez, the first 4 weeks my emotions were raw, my nerves shot and my irratability level up to a No 10. But I've stuck with it and it's the second most proudest moment in my life:-)
The universe was looking out for me the day I stumbled across this site and community. It has been the back bone to my journey. Words are not enough to express my gratitude to you.
A year later, I am proud to say that I am a moderate drinker, that I live life in moderation.
I am proud to tell you I started exercising, running and yoga.
I am proud to tell you I wake up 15 minutes early every morning to meditate.
I am proud to tell you that I have stopped using AL to hide behind when I have a problem.
I am proud to tell you that for the first time in my life I am exploring my spirituality.
I am proud to tell you that I am still looking for the answers,
I am proud to tell you that my journey will never end.
I am happy and I enjoy being me.
Today, I am proud to tell you, that I am DEEBEE!!
& i am proud to have met you & learned from you,well done
ray:
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