My story is as follows; (I'll try and keep it short...)
My mum had been gang raped at 15 (one of the men was her own cousin...) so she had a horror start to adulthood...
She married my dad naively...and knowing that he had had a relationship with two of her sisters, one who had tried to slit her own wrists due to distress...
Together they had 4 kids, the first Halden (RIP), then me, a year and a half later, then a brother two years after me, then another brother 10 years after the latter...My dad never wanted a daughter and once said "I (meaning me) should have been smothered at birth"...
Dad was an abusive father, emotionally/physically violent to mum and us kids, plus tried to sexually abuse me at 14, so hence I left home at 15, and was forced to move far away from my family, to another state, working a hard job in far outback country, I have only been back since to visit...that was 20 years ago...
Mum was in her own way angry, depressed, and at one stage a closet drinker...though she would never admit it, and though she tried hard, sometimes she took it out on us...or generally just plain neglected us...
I've had a few boyfriends over that time:
My first I met at 16, and moved back to his home town, we got on so well for so long, we seemed to be joined at the hip, but eventually we took each other for granted, that the other would always be there, he was a drinker, every night he had to have BEER...and I never appreciated that...(funny how things turn out) He eventually cheated on me one night on one of his drunken trips to the pub (he used to drink drive all the time, wreck cars, it was scary for me, I was so innocent at the time...) I tried to forgive his cheating as he swore it was me he loved, I did believe him though my heart never really recovered from that unfaithfullness... One day I just decided I couldn't do it any more, and I lpacked up my stuff and left... After 8 years it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...I moved to a town close where I could get work and knew lots of people. I ended up dating the son of my employer, (as it turned out he had a drug problem (I was naive and had never really been exposed to drugs...) and for 4 years he emotionally abused me, manipulated me, became violent and eventually cheated on me, he led me to believe I was so worthless...I started drinking in moderation during the time of that break-up, approx. 6 years ago, due to severe loneliness and lack of a support base (my family are 700kms away,excuses I know)...I went through a stage of severe loneliness, drinking every night, partying on weekends, bringing home stray men (that has a name...?)
4 years ago, at my absolute lowest, (at the local bar...) I managed to meet the most beautiful man...now my partner ever since that night...
Even though we are in a great relationship, I guess the loneliness is a big factor for me...The last 4 years my drinking has gotten worse, I have tried to hide it, and though I did successfully stop completely whilst I was pregnant with our first child, and was careful throughout breastfeeding.
Recently, I had been going great, only drinking designated nights, and cutting right back to only a couple of drinks when I did.
Unfortunately my brother committed suicide 4 weeks ago, and the wheels have completely fallen off... How does one family who have dealt with so much, deal with this most devastating blow...? There just aren't any answers and a multitude of questions...
He was the oldest sibling, the supposed "tough" one, the one we all "relied" upon, there aren't enough words to sum up how we feel...
After my brothers suicide, I used it (Alcohol) to "knock myself out" for the first 2 weeks, as I just couldn't fall asleep for the questions and visions... I am trying to cut back, but the thought of not having any terrifies me...and it terrifies me that I've become so dependent...
I have started seeing a counsellor for my grief, hopefully she can help, and have been referred to a psychologist, but am on a massive waiting list due to our remote region...
The last 2 weeks I have been trying hard to cut back, and have even managed some AF nights, which is a real positive for me, I have started exercising again, and drinking herbal detox, green, and calming teas...
My partner and I are wanting to start trying for baby number two soon, so I am trying hard to focus on things that are beneficial to health, though at times it is so hard... to quit old habits...
My mum had been gang raped at 15 (one of the men was her own cousin...) so she had a horror start to adulthood...
She married my dad naively...and knowing that he had had a relationship with two of her sisters, one who had tried to slit her own wrists due to distress...
Together they had 4 kids, the first Halden (RIP), then me, a year and a half later, then a brother two years after me, then another brother 10 years after the latter...My dad never wanted a daughter and once said "I (meaning me) should have been smothered at birth"...
Dad was an abusive father, emotionally/physically violent to mum and us kids, plus tried to sexually abuse me at 14, so hence I left home at 15, and was forced to move far away from my family, to another state, working a hard job in far outback country, I have only been back since to visit...that was 20 years ago...
Mum was in her own way angry, depressed, and at one stage a closet drinker...though she would never admit it, and though she tried hard, sometimes she took it out on us...or generally just plain neglected us...
I've had a few boyfriends over that time:
My first I met at 16, and moved back to his home town, we got on so well for so long, we seemed to be joined at the hip, but eventually we took each other for granted, that the other would always be there, he was a drinker, every night he had to have BEER...and I never appreciated that...(funny how things turn out) He eventually cheated on me one night on one of his drunken trips to the pub (he used to drink drive all the time, wreck cars, it was scary for me, I was so innocent at the time...) I tried to forgive his cheating as he swore it was me he loved, I did believe him though my heart never really recovered from that unfaithfullness... One day I just decided I couldn't do it any more, and I lpacked up my stuff and left... After 8 years it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...I moved to a town close where I could get work and knew lots of people. I ended up dating the son of my employer, (as it turned out he had a drug problem (I was naive and had never really been exposed to drugs...) and for 4 years he emotionally abused me, manipulated me, became violent and eventually cheated on me, he led me to believe I was so worthless...I started drinking in moderation during the time of that break-up, approx. 6 years ago, due to severe loneliness and lack of a support base (my family are 700kms away,excuses I know)...I went through a stage of severe loneliness, drinking every night, partying on weekends, bringing home stray men (that has a name...?)
4 years ago, at my absolute lowest, (at the local bar...) I managed to meet the most beautiful man...now my partner ever since that night...
Even though we are in a great relationship, I guess the loneliness is a big factor for me...The last 4 years my drinking has gotten worse, I have tried to hide it, and though I did successfully stop completely whilst I was pregnant with our first child, and was careful throughout breastfeeding.
Recently, I had been going great, only drinking designated nights, and cutting right back to only a couple of drinks when I did.
Unfortunately my brother committed suicide 4 weeks ago, and the wheels have completely fallen off... How does one family who have dealt with so much, deal with this most devastating blow...? There just aren't any answers and a multitude of questions...
He was the oldest sibling, the supposed "tough" one, the one we all "relied" upon, there aren't enough words to sum up how we feel...
After my brothers suicide, I used it (Alcohol) to "knock myself out" for the first 2 weeks, as I just couldn't fall asleep for the questions and visions... I am trying to cut back, but the thought of not having any terrifies me...and it terrifies me that I've become so dependent...
I have started seeing a counsellor for my grief, hopefully she can help, and have been referred to a psychologist, but am on a massive waiting list due to our remote region...
The last 2 weeks I have been trying hard to cut back, and have even managed some AF nights, which is a real positive for me, I have started exercising again, and drinking herbal detox, green, and calming teas...
My partner and I are wanting to start trying for baby number two soon, so I am trying hard to focus on things that are beneficial to health, though at times it is so hard... to quit old habits...
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